Looking for Advice

[stefang]

... in response to Run, posted by Jamie on Dec 7, 2005

Maybe it is this woman in disguise? since she is from the Bay area she would be confused in LA?

"Lady matchmaker Marsha Winter, who hooks up domestic couples in the Bay area, commented that she is "absolutely" in favor of the new proposed foreign bride laws, calling overseas matchmaking "ridiculous". "Tell these guys we have tons of good women here."

Psychological warfare to scare away guys from searching abroad. Better to date a local woman.

[pablo]

... in response to Run, posted by Jamie on Dec 7, 2005


There is more than one Doubting Thomas in the crowd Jamie.  I too thought that Confused in LA's post was more than likely bogus.

It's a pretty odd introductory post with very little information provided and a rather strange name to pick even if he is feeling confused nor has he responded to any of the comments received.

It also seems ironic that a post like this appears after our two recent "fiancée fast on the draw" posters.  If Confused’s post is legitimate I hope they were carefully reading it.

[Looking4Wife]

... in response to Run, posted by Jamie on Dec 7, 2005

[This message has been edited by Looking4Wife]

Jamie, that is interesting you pointed out his handle is peculiar.  

Hopefully it isn't a hoax post, because I just wasted a lot of time posting a response to try to help this guy :-)

[Cali James]

... in response to Run, posted by Jamie on Dec 7, 2005

[This message has been edited by Cali James]

"As a side note anyone who thinks Bogotá is prettier than Los Angeles is off their rocker."

On my first job after college, I was sent first to San Francisco for 6 weeks and then to West L.A. (near UCLA/Westwood) for another 6 weeks of training.  West LA was everyone's preferred location.  It was absolutely beautiful there, not too far from the place OJ later killed his wife....

[Ray]

... in response to Run, posted by Jamie on Dec 7, 2005

Well, at least I'm not the only one who had doubts about the legitimacy of this story... :-)

[soltero]

... in response to Re: Run, posted by Ray on Dec 7, 2005

Neither he nor RexB have returned to post after dropping their bombshells...fact finding missions or what?

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Re: Run, posted by soltero on Dec 7, 2005

In the case of RexB, I don't blame him after some of the negative responses that were posted... :-)

[soltero]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Run, posted by Ray on Dec 7, 2005

...He did get his hat handed to him rather quickly.

[Pete E]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

Did you screw up?The answer to that seems self evident.Dump her fast.You don't need any more of her BS.
Try to get her to accept a ticket back home.If that doesn't work you need to figure out how to get her out of your house.She has no rights in such a new situsation.
Change the locks and tape the ticket to the door?Just dump her butt.
Adopt her niece when she is being so tatally negative?She has some nerve on thast one.
GET TO KNOW THE WOMAN BEFORE YOU MARRY HER.YOU OBVIOUSLY DID NOT.

Pete

[Calipro]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

How about taking her to Disneyland?

They say it's the "Happiest Place on Earth".

[surfscum]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

Some comments and questions:

1.  This is NOT normal.
2.  You screwed up.
3.  You are not alone, nor are you the first one to go through this experience.
4.  How committed are you to the marriage? If you are really committed to this, then seek professional help for both of you.  This will have to be in spanish.  If you attend a church, start there.  If you need additional resources, the phone book will have scores of counselors.
5.  If she won't get help, make sure YOU are getting help, either from a counselor, trusted mature friend, parent, etc.  Do NOT try to go through this alone.  Living alone with this type of personality will ultimately distort what you love and value, so much so that you won't know it.  In no time, you'll have lost your friends, your social life, hobbies, etc.
6.  Do you think her behavior and outbursts are reactions, or are they thought out?
7.  Does she ever admit to a problem?
8.  Are things ALWAYS bad, or do you two have some "good" moments, too?
9.  Is she expressing anything about what she feels?  Does she make any attempt to answer your questions about why she is acting this way? Or is everything she does an effort to control you?  
10. Is she showing signs of jealousy?
11. Is she physically abusive?
12. Does she escalate problems immediately?
13. Is she verbally insulting you?
14. Did she ever show any of this behavior previously?
15. It sounds to me like she is depressed.  She may also have Borderline Personality Disorder.  Google the phrase and read up on it to see if it sounds familiar.
16. If she takes no responsibility for her actions, blames you for everything, won't talk to any outsider, even a counselor or priest, then I don't know what more you can do other than walk away from the marriage.  

There are guys on here who've been badly burned, have a low opinion of women, or just want to be Peter Pan extending their youth through a younger woman.  When they say you are at risk, they are right.  So it comes down to this: is your wife sick, yes or no?  Does she love you, yes or no?  Do you love her, yes or no?  Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, yes or no?  Is she willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, yes or no?  Is your wife dangerous enough to cause you physical harm, yes or no?  Is your wife malicious enough to cause you legal grief, yes or no?  When you know the answer to those questions then you will know what to do.

This whole way of meeting someone overseas is rife with pitfalls.  The separation and trying to grow with someone via email and phone calls more often feed the imagination than they build up a couple.  The distance really distorts things and should cause us to weight observed behavior differently than that of someone we would date locally, but there's no hard and fast rule for how to do that so we rationalize it somehow when we should give it more importance.  

I really sympathize with your situation since I am going through some similar problems with my PERUVIAN wife (ChrisF please read). I am willing to help you as I can if you need someone to talk to privately.  My email is listed in my profile.

[Chris F]

... in response to Some thoughts and questions (long), posted by surfscum on Dec 6, 2005

Sorry your going through the same problems with your Peruvian wife...like I said...I never said they were perfect either...

If you are going through "similar problems" it would guess everyones advice here could apply to your situation as well...

We both know Surfscum that South American relationships are not always easy with the adjustment process alone...our wives are learning the customs, rules and language of this country and you do need a lot of patience....

If that had to be compunded with the B.S. you and ConfusedinLA are going through for me it simply would not be tolerated... Your wife, as well as Confused needs to change fast or else buy them a one way ticket home, cut your losses, learn from it, and move on..

Remember...South American women love a MAN...if you are letting yourself be walked on by tolerating this B.S...she is losing(or has lost) all respect for you...

I dont mean to be harsh or disrespectful to you Surfscum...but their are just so many women in South America to choose from...

Both of you dont deserve this kind of crap........

[surfscum]

... in response to To surfsscum, posted by Chris F on Dec 7, 2005

There is a LOT more to my story than I care to relate here. I'm waiting to post the story until I can say it's resolved, one way or another.

[Cali James]

... in response to To surfsscum, posted by Chris F on Dec 7, 2005

Every successful marriage I'm personally aware of, at least half a dozen if not more, the woman is from Cali not Peru.  In fact I'm not personally aware of one successful marriage where the woman is from Peru, not one.  Now should this fact really mean a lot, of course not.  For every guy who marries a Peruvian and writes about it here, ten or maybe 20 go to Cali.  Cali has the majority of success stories for the same reason it has so many failures, this is where guys have been travelling.  The important thing to do is to be able to find a good woman and one who cares about you.  This can be done in Cali or Lima.

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to To surfsscum, posted by Cali James on Dec 7, 2005

Why Cali? If I were actually looking I'd go somewhere where they very rarely see a gringo, maybe Monteria or Manizales.