I said... (Ray and all)

[Howard]

... in response to I think you need to look at changing., posted by HappyIdiot on Nov 20, 2001

... you don't know the situation very well.

I don't take any offense and appreciate your opinion, but you couldn't be more wrong about me.  The words you are seeing are those of someone's whose only defense is to appear to remain indifferent.  When I get hurt, I shut down the emotion.  It's the only way I can cope sometimes.  Sooner or later everything will set in--it's already begining to--and I will go back to being a hopeful, compassionate, door mat after I take the time to properly mourn the passing of my marriage.  It's sick, but the main thing on my mind is that my wife is terrified and alone--because her family will cast her away in shame, it's already started to happen over there--and all I wanna do is find a way to help her.  But, I can't find her.  That's the picture I paint in my mind though, it's probably a ways from the truth.  You know, these are the same brushes that painted the picture that my wife was just confused about how to express her love for me, maybe it's time for a new set!

I tried for three months, prior to her father's illness, to us her into counselling.  I tried to get her to go to a doctor to talk about her depression.  She never had the time or interest.

Stand by your opinion if you like.  In regards to the one post of mine you read you might even be right, but you just don't know the whole story.

Good Luck in your Travels :c)

H

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to You're right..., posted by Howard on Nov 21, 2001

It seems like you have made a lot of effort, and if you want to reconsile your marriage, I hope you will be presented with that opportunity in the future.  Otherwise, I hope you have a simple, uncomplicated divorce and are able to prepare yourself for future happiness.

Again, not knowing the whole situation, which I believe no one will be able to, it seems like there may be a huge difference in maturity between you two.  I hope when things settle down for you, you will be able to share your insights with others to help them avoid some of the same problems.

Take care.

[Howard]

... in response to Howard,, posted by HappyIdiot on Nov 21, 2001

Hap,

I would give anything to reconcile my marriage.  I would give anything to see my wife happy and safe.  I would give anything to be able to find a small bit of happiness for myself in the process.  Trust me, I would.  I made the divorce comments out of anger, now I am begining to calm down and think rationaly.  I am also making efforts to find my wife, but hold little hope that she will be found if she doesn't want to be.

I will always post my expiriences and thoughts here.  When Ayesa and I began having trouble, the only thing I could think of was to post these things here, so that others could not only help me figure out what to do, but so that I might prevent someone else from the same fate.  These circumstances are very hard to take, but if I can help others learn something from them, then at least I have not suffered in vain.

Take Care and stop by more often :c)

H

[Ray]

... in response to That's the plan..., posted by Howard on Nov 22, 2001

Howard,

I believe that your sharing of your experiences here has probably helped quite a few others. Personally, I think you have a lot of balls for posting your story. Thanks!

Ray

[kevin]

... in response to That's the plan..., posted by Howard on Nov 22, 2001

Howard,

You do need time to rationally think.  But as far as attempting to save your marriage, I think that's a bad idea.  Thinking about it may sound rosy, but you have to be realistic.  Ask yourself, "What have I previously done?".  "What did it accomplish?"

In my opinion, if (for Ayesa) it was only a matter of adjustment to life in the U.S.A., she would have been more communicative with you.  I'm sure there'd have been unreasonably sounding tampo times, but there'd also be the kissing and making up, and the constructive two-way communication to address whatever the issue was.  I don't believe that Ayesa ever loved you from Day 1.  Her mother may have forced her to have a relationship with a Kano (given that you said you believe that the typewritten letters which were supposedly by her, were typed by Ayesa's mother, and Ayesa signed them.  In that vain, one can't really condemn Ayesa if she was forced into a marriage against her will.

The pieces of a very bizarre puzzle are coming together, and it's not a pretty sight.  If Ayesa all of a sudden expresses interest in you, says she misses you, etc., I would be very suspicious.  If I were you, I'd have to be prudent enough to resist impulsive, wishful-thinking type emotions.  It will take strength.  Well if Ayesa isn't already street-smart on what it takes to get secured in the United States the deviant way, it is probable somebody will educate her to become street-smart.  (On the other hand, maybe she posesses the knowledge, but her primary objective isn't to stay in the USA, but to milk cash out of you by tinkering with your emotions, and assuming that you'll always be there with something to squeeze out).

My suggestion is to get the divorce as soon as possible and cut your losses.  It could even be a divorce with dignity.  Perhaps, on the premise that Ayesa was forced into this situation by her family, a divorce will mutually be the best thing for both of you.  Perhaps even offering a divorce might lift a huge burden off of her shoulders.  There'll be no reason for her to have to feel prisoner in a loveless marriage, and the need to hide from you and invent new alibis. If the divorce is by mutual consent, there is no reason for anybody to seize property from the other.  In hindsight it is a marriage that should have never consummated.  In further hindsight, a courtship that should have never taken place.  Personally, I could not be bothered to waste my time or money dating a girl with whom there were no sparks.  But people do persue courtships for other reasons like social acceptance, material things and money.

Remember one thing about marriage.  There will always be hard times from time to time.  When love is a 2-way street, the love that the couple can both cherish from the inception of their courtship, makes it worth persevering through life's storms.  The incentive is there with the "OUR relationship comes first" type of thinking.  But if the marriage was entered into for any other reason, once reality hits, and the unique responsibilities associated with marriage and family life, then marriage to that person will become ever more unbearable.  That's when one spouse tries to stay away from the other as much as possible, etc.

Be strong.  Be rational.  I've been in that situation when I was going through my divorce.  For my own good and my own sanity, I had to get it over as soon as possible.  Believe me, my ex-wife certainly messed with my emotions, because the fact that I loved her, and was broken-hearted, it showed her my weak spot.  Based on my weak spot, she had the power to manipulate me.  You know, she used to even make fun of me sometimes because I looked sad.  When she announced her divorce plan, and I cried, she said "You're too sensitive."

She also said, "If you marry another Filipina, she's going to do exactly the same thing I did to you."  Well a statement like that is testimony to the vicious attitudes that alot of groups of Filipinas harbor in the United States, and the Philippines too.  I can't believe that a Filipina would openly brag, in line at the U.S. Embassy, with her Filipino boyfriend, about marrying her 60-year-old fiancee and divorcing him in one year.  Some people are really cruel and ruthless.  Some can look sweet and innocent, the trait of the Filipina that attracts westerners, but be worse than a white-collar criminal bank officer.  Worse because not only is money stolen for selfish gain through trickery, but because a heart is broken.  When a man or a woman truly loves somebody and gives his/her heart to him/her, he/she is truly making himself/herself vulnerable.  The other party has the power to strike a severe personal blow to the other spiritually.  But love is also a very powerful think, and when it is what is shared between two people, it is the best thing that can boost the morale of each party.
I hope and pray that you find real love someday.

Hang in there.

Cheers,

Kevin

[tito]

... in response to I think you need to look at changing., posted by HappyIdiot on Nov 20, 2001

Happy Idiot,

With all due respect, I believe your post was like reviewing a movie when you have only seen half or just the end of it.To say "you are determined to focus on and persue the destruction of your marriage"is just plain wrong.Mr.H has already gone to great lengths and showed great strength in trying to make his marriage work.I don't know if you read the archives but you can go back quite some time to read this.

Also "it is you deciding to end this marriage" is a statement that would be funny if the situation wasn't so tragic.It's pretty clear(at least to me)what her intentions are.Remember, Filipinas don't like confrontation so what better way to avoid it then to run and hide.I believe,Howard, your wife knows you are a kind man so this makes avoiding you even more important.I think she feels shame.But H,you been around like most of us.If a chick doesn't love you can't make her.Hurts like a MoFo but whatcha goin do?

Finally,Happy Idiot, I would say Howard made the decision to see a therapist or a counselor long before the decision to see a lawyer.You don't have to go back into the archives too far to read that.

I believe you were well intentioned,Happy Idiot, but not well informed.It's late and I read your post a couple of times.Howard doesn't need me to defend him but I felt I had chime in.Now I gotta crash.Goodnight.

tito Matt

[Howard]

... in response to Re: I think you need to look at changing..., posted by tito on Nov 21, 2001

n/t

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: I think you need to look at changing..., posted by tito on Nov 21, 2001

Hi Tito,

That's a classic line. But ain't that the truth!

When are we all going to get together? Tell you're bro to give me a call. I figure he lost my number again, because I haven't heard from him. ;o)) I didn't lose his, I just have it filed away in a very good place.... I'm sure I will find it one day when I let my wife "straigten" out my office. LOL Jay, if you're out there email me...I lost my address book in the computer melt down.

Dave H.

[Ray]

... in response to Re: I think you need to look at changing..., posted by tito on Nov 21, 2001

Good Points Matt!

Your observation that many Filipinas tend to run and hide because they don’t like confrontation is in line with my own experiences. That’s exactly the way my ex would behave. Rather than confront a sticky issue head on, she would keep it inside and hide it. A couple of years after she left, she explained to me that she was too ashamed at the time to tell me why she was leaving, so she just snuck out.

That could very well be why Howard’s wife won’t talk to him. Maybe she is too ashamed or she is just taking the easy way out by avoiding any confrontation. That’s what makes it so hard, the not even knowing why. But I got over it and I think Howard will.

How’s Joy adjusting so far?

Ray

[tito]

... in response to Tito, posted by Ray on Nov 21, 2001

Joy is doing pretty good.She seems to like Florida.We stopped in New York on the way here and I have some "frozen Pinay" pictures that look pretty funny.It was about 35 degrees the morning we went out.She is glad to be in a warm clime.

I can't believe how quick this old bachelors pad has become like a home.I am still getting used to it all but we are having alot of fun.I feel very blessed.

I hope you and the family have a Happy Thanksgiving!

tito Matt

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to Re: I think you need to look at changing..., posted by tito on Nov 21, 2001

Matt,

You're right, I am only responding to the current posts and haven't researched the history of Howard's posts in this forum.  When I posted, I did not mean to attack Howard, but to point out some things from my interpretation of what he was saying.  My assumption from the level of thought that Howard had put into his post was that he would be more than capable of considering and evaluating what people said and making his own decisions.  So I'm glad we agree that Howard doesn't need someone to defend him, and I apologize if my views came across as attacking.  However, I still stand by them.

[Taliman]

... in response to I think you need to look at changing., posted by HappyIdiot on Nov 20, 2001

Ok, how can advice like that come from someone called and Idiot?
Cheers to U ..Happy Guru.
Taliman

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to Re: I think you need to look at changing..., posted by Taliman on Nov 20, 2001

I picked my board name when I started this, here was my thinking.  One was this reaction I had to the picture of someone saying, "You're such an idiot, I can't believe you're doing this!".  I thought about my reasons, and I kept coming back to my motive.  I was doing this to increase my chances of finding happiness in a good relationship.  So I thought, yeah I may be an idiot, but I will end up being a happy idiot.

Hey, also thanks for the explanation of your name.

[Peaches]

... in response to I said... (Ray and all), posted by Howard on Nov 20, 2001

Yeah right I am a Filipina but I am here not to defend
her . I am here to tell you to be strong and do whatever
you think is best. You know her( Ayessa) more  than
anyone here in this board. Whenever you decide to do
something in your marriage....take it slowly but surely.

For now, don't think too much about her(ignore  her).
Think about your health, your future. Go out! Have fun
and forget the rest of the world except OBinL.

Take care.

Peaches

[Willy]

... in response to I said... (Ray and all), posted by Howard on Nov 20, 2001

It's just that I can't imagine this...my darling wife is perfect and treats me like a king. Everything has been all I had dreamed of and more! No, I'm not trying to rub it in or anything, just giving the other side of the coin I guess. My heart really goes out to you guys who have tried so hard and given your all, then been dumped on. It must hurt like hell and really be frustrated after all you have done and gone through. I love my sweet wife with all my heart and ours is a mutual love. If she did not return it, I think that would kill me. I do more lurking than anything, and once in a blue moon I am compelled to write. I truly am sorry for you Howard, and Panther, and I even harken back to all Shadow has been through. My heart aches for you guys and I can only imagine the pain.
Part of the spectrum of all this must be that when things go great, we don't hear much about that..but when they turn badly, we hear about that alot because a place like this board is a great place to vent have others that commiserate with us. We don't hear much about all the visas that go smoothly and interviews that are a breeze, but let there be one problem or delay, then we're very prolific. I used to read here and Mag anak alot to get tips etc, and I used to get all upset and worried, then I started taking it all with a grain of salt, and everything worked out. Oue visa went perfectly..the whole way. Our AOS went on without one single hitch..the whole way. Our relationship is perfect..don't get me wrong, we have had our share of arguments, disagreements and adjustments to make, that's normal. I guess all I'm trying to say, in a nutshell, is that we are all different and experience life differently with varied amounts of success. Also, we who have had success should share just as much as those who have had much trouble and turmoil, to let the newbies know that there is hope and that we here have a wide spectrum of experience. I know when I started out last year, PL and Mag anak were my saving grace, and I thank all of you that were here with advice and comic relief. I hope and pray to God that no one takes this message the wrong way. I am only thinking and sorting things out. I remember the days of Shadow and how I agonized over his story..this was when I was just starting out with my mahal. How do you truly know if you have a gold-digger? You don't..How do you truly know she loves you? You don't..but..listen to your heart..not your head. Don't leave your head or common sense out either, for with your heart you will love no matter what, even if they are using you. HEART+HEAD+COMMON SENSE is a good equation. This is all just my 2 pesos, regards to all and thanks for listening,
God Bless

Willy