Question

[Sol]

Well, I couldn't come up with a good subject line for this posting. I have an interesting situation that I'd like advice about, especially from those of you with real, in the trenches, experience in this International Latin dating process.

Via letter writing I've made a connection with a Colombian lady (from Bogota) who appears to be very sincere, very sweet, pretty but not gorgeous, 28 years old (I'm 37), passionate, kind, and she shares a number of important personal qualities with me. So far so good, right? I'm concerned because we've been writing to one another for only a little bit over a month, and she's made it very clear that she wants to marry someone like me, that she wants to make me happy, that she'll cook the kinds of food that I prefer, exercise every day with me ... In short I'm concerned that she might be very needy, or worse, trying to seduce me and use me. My question to those of you with more experience, how can I tell if she's the type of woman who just wants to make her man happy versus being very needy or manipulative. I have no reason to doubt her sincerity but I am concerned that she's needy.

How typical is it for a Colombian woman to try so much to make a guy happy who she's never met? We've only talked on the phone once but we'll definitely be having more phone conversations soon.

I don't actually think she's trying to use me because she comes from a well-to-do family and claims to have her US Visa interview shortly and is fairly confident that she'll get one - I take this to mean she has money (or her family does.) She also has family in the U.S.

I've been toying with the idea of burning $1000 for a 3-day trip to Bogota to meet her (plane fare is $500). I'll hopefully learn something more of her sincerity if I meet her in person but I realize it takes time to get to know another person and I might return from this trip still not having clarity about her? Another possiblity is to go to Bogota and meet a number of women. She already knows that to be my intent but the reality is that I don't enjoy becoming intimate with a number of women at once. In this case, though, it might be safer for me to make a longer trip (say 9 or 10 days) and meet a number of women.

Any suggestions on what kind of conversation I can have with her to learn if she's coming from a place of very low self-esteem vs. a place of just wanting to meet someone she can dedicate herself to?

Thanks,
Sol

[Sol]

... in response to Question, posted by Sol on Jul 3, 2001

n/t

[Hispana-N-US]

... in response to Question, posted by Sol on Jul 3, 2001

Hi,

I agree with HD. There is no one right answer for your question. I met my husband on the internet too and we exchanged emails every day and phone calls every week for at least three months until the day we saw each other for the first time.

I understand that many times it may just seem like a fairy tale, but in our case this fairy tale came true. You see... After the first month and a half of email exchange and phone calls, I realized I had a sincere interest for him that just kept growing and growing and I guess he knew that too. We used to talk about the possibility of getting married one day... to someone, we used to talk about what kind of person we'd like to marry and how our ideal married life would be like. I always felt my ideal husband would be someone just like him and I used to think about doing for him all those things your friend tells you she wants to do for you, I guess I was in love with him already,  but I wanted to hear him say it first, because back then I was afraid *I* may had been having too many expectations or hopes for somebody that maybe didn't feel the same way about me. But my point is it can happen. It happened to us.

Now, I don't consider myself a needy person or dominant or demanding in any way and I don't really need to tell you  I am not using him. Seducing him? Well, guess I'm allowed to do that every now and then when our child goes to bed, no? ;-). I was only raised the old-fashion-mexican way, so it's in me to want to do all those things for my husband and want to take care of him, our child and our home.  He's been out with some male friends without me before and he travels often too, but we also spend time together, since that's what marriage and parenthood is about, isn't it? He means everything to me because I love him, not because I make him be everything to me. I also have my own interests and alone time and we're very happy together.

Of course, I may add that we actually got married a whole year and 1 month after that first time we said "I love you". I think it was enough time to be sure of what we were doing and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Hope this helps,
Gabi

[DallasTexas]

... in response to Question, posted by Sol on Jul 3, 2001

I can believe the part about the lady wanting to please you with cooking the types of meals you want, exercising, and other things ........ no surprise

The culture their is 50 years removed from the traditional relationship here in the states.  Just because a woman wants to do things to please you which is how they are raised I would not automatically take that as her being a needy person.  My experience has been that they have a genuine desire to please out of love not out of other motivations.

I agree that you need to see this lady in person to see if there is chemistry.  I can tell you that for me the love, admiration, respect, affection that I found is something that you can not fake and can only be experienced face-to-face.

See for yourself it could change your life for the better. I know it did for me!

[JunFan68]

... in response to Question, posted by Sol on Jul 3, 2001

Sol,
The most thing you need to know about 'kicking the tires' is you must first be within 'kicking range'.  There is no other way around it, so I would call your friendly travel agent.  What was your other alternative, to not go and get married?  You will have to go sooner or later in order for her to have a chance of getting approved for a visa (ie proof of meeting).

Once you are there, I would try a couple of things. Go to a mall with her and see how she behaves with an American wallet close by. If she wants you to buy her things off the bat....red flag!  Secondly, I would make sure you meet her family at some point...and your first trip may or may not be the appropriate time.  I have found that any girl who doesn't want you around there family has a high probability of being trouble. Most girls that are serious about a relationship with a gringo will want their family to meet.

I am sure others can add more but those two stuck out.

Later,
Mike

www.sparhard.com/colombia.htm

[jediknight]

... in response to Question, posted by Sol on Jul 3, 2001

Sol, I think you need to slow her down, she's moving way too fast. I don't think that anyone can be seriously considering marriage after a few letters and one phone call. If you want to spend money on a trip for 1-2 weeks and meet her and a few other women then I think you should but I think it's too early to be spending $1000 to fly down for 3 days to meet only one person, someone you just started to get to know. You're concerened that she might be needy or might be trying to use you, I think the more time you give yourself in writing and especially talking to her the more you'll learn about her and be able to notice whether she's needy or not or if she wants to use you. Ask her what kind of lifestyle she's looking for as far as spending time with her husband and how she would feel if her husband wanted to go out with the guys without her from time to time.(of course this would mean after she's been here a while and developed new friends of her own) Does she say that she would want to spend all of her time with her husband or would she be ok spending time with friends away from her husband. Is she looking for her husband to be everything to her or does she expect each one to have outside interests apart from each other. One thing that I would do is ask her exactly when her interview is, talk to her as much as you can until then and see what happens after her interview. A few things can happen, she can get her visa and be very happy because she'll be able to come and visit you or she can get her visa and will drop you because she doesn't need you or she can be denied and tells you she loves you wants to marry you right away. Trying to figure all this out isn't easy but one thing I would suggest is to slow down, it's so easy to get caught up in the excitment and euphoria of meeting someone that wants you that you can easily lose your better judgement, good luck
steve

[Norm]

... in response to Question, posted by Sol on Jul 3, 2001

Sol,
My take on the letter writing is that its very easy to fall in love with the idea of happily ever after when you've never met. Many times the couple will meet after a six month fantasy romance on the phone, email, etc., and in person there is no chemistry..... none. You are by far better off meeting first and then proceeding with the long distance relationship. If you can only go for 3 days I say do it and spend it with her, if you can do 6-9 you're much better off. I wouldn't go visiting other girls unless the chemistry is not there. My thought would be the 9 days. Do your research and come up with an agency you like in Bogota (Nelson's for example) and then go to visit the girl. If all is good with her, spend the whole time with her, if not you have a back up plan ready and at least enough time to get to know the process, etc.

[Cali vet]

... in response to Re: Question, posted by Norm on Jul 3, 2001

Norm is quite right as I learned the hard way. The first latina I met was through correspondence. After some months of great love letters and poor quality photos I went to meet my lady in B/quilla. When I walked out the airport doors and saw her I knew right away that was not the woman I wanted to wake up next to the rest of my life. The best technique with corresponde services like TLC is pick out ones you like in the city where the agency is you plan to visit, write them and say you're coming to town and would like to meet and have lunch and give them the agency #. Few seem to write back unless you're under 40 and look like a movie star but it's easy for them to call and leave their number for you at the ageny. I had about a 60% response rate in Cali. In any case you haven't wasted all that time and postage on months of letter writing.

[Houndog]

... in response to Question, posted by Sol on Jul 3, 2001

Wow Dude, You ask some tuff questions. Without getting to deep and complicated, IMO, a few letters and 1 phone call is really not much to go on, unless it was me on the phone.

I wrote and called for approx. 3 months, then went for a 5-6 day visit and hit the jackpot, in that, she was exactly what I had 'percieved' her to be, sweet, kind, honest, etc., so dreams can come true. OTOH, it's easy to build certian expectations and want them to be fullfilled in spite of warning signs.

So the answer is, there is no one answer. Until you meet in person and discover if you both feel the same about each other and get a true feel for how strong and enduring those mutual feelings are or may be, then it's all just speculation combined with desire. There are no easy ways to everlasting love and emotional fulfillment IMO. While we can certianly enhance our odds of success by doing our homework and raising the bar of compatibility based on prior experiences, we can't make another person love us or live up to our expectations. They have to be that person, or become that person on their own. That's why it's called 'mutual', 'reciprocal' love and compatibility. And those are things no one can answer for another.

Determine what you want and need in a mate and flaws that you can accept. Then probe yourself for ways to answer 'your questions'.

Regards, HD