Anyone have truthful answers??

[juio99]

Recently there was posted a list of compatibility items.  I have now taken the time to analyze this list and put the items in priority order for me. (Note: the items regarding children are at the end of my list because myself and the ladies of interest are past that stage.)  Then, when I started trying to evaluate the items with respect to the 4 RW I have spent many days with, I realized I could answer very few of the questions.  I have spent 11-20 days full time with each of 4 RW over the past few months counting time in Canada, Russia and Turkey.  And I have also spent all the time with many e-mails, phone conversations, etc.  Remembering the ‘rash’ of recent
engagements here, and thinking that some of them involved perhaps less
than 10 days of ‘face time,’ I thought ‘holy cow.’

So can anyone state that they really know much about their ladies with
respect to the following.  I know that some can fall back on he ‘love will conquer all’ and ‘you will never know everything about someone,’ but it made me realize that I have a lot of work left to do.

Comments???

JR

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Helpful  Similarities for Compatible Couples

Couples have a higher chance of being happy over time, the more similar they are with respect to the following, and the more they agree on the ordering of the items in terms of importance:

Intelligence.
Sense of humor.
Desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate (not counting sex).
Sexual drive, sexual interests, methods, positions, etc.
How much time to spend together.
Amount of involvement desired with in-laws.
Amount of and type of social involvement preferred.
Views about smoking, alcohol and illegal drugs.
Dependability.
Punctuality.
Geographical area in which to live.
What and when to eat.
Attitudes about weight.
Hobbies and interests.
Type of music enjoyed.
Energy level for physical activities.
Amount of income to be spent and saved.
How money should be allocated - clothes, vacations, etc.
Level of formal education.
Expected roles for both persons within the relationship.
Views about power distribution within the family.
Political philosophy.
The role of conflict and how to resolve it.
The way to handle anger and disappointments.
Attitudes about cleanliness - house, clothes, body, etc.
Ways of handling sickness.
Health standards - when to see a doctor.
Interpersonal and social skills.
Amount and type of travel preferred.
How and where to spend vacations.
When to go to sleep and get up.
Temperature of home during the day and night.
Activity during meals - talking, watching TV, etc.
Television programs preferred.
Size and style of house.
Type of furniture and decorations.
How friendships with the opposite sex should be handled.
Expected amount of privacy and rules for its use.
Level of ambition.
Life goals.
Amount of money to be given away and to whom.
Degree of risks to be taken with investments.
How to celebrate major holidays.
Social and economic background of family.
Faith and spiritual beliefs and preferences.
Amount of church involvement.
Family spiritual involvement.
When a family (children) should be started.
Desired number of children.
Child-rearing views.

[RW]

... in response to Anyone have truthful answers??, posted by juio99 on Jun 6, 2002

When I check the list, even after three years of marriage (we have our anniversary next week), I can see that we totally agree on some points, did not have a chance to experience others (we don't have kids yet) and have to compromise on a few others. But, we are happy and still did not have major disagreements

It is one thing what a person says she will do and how she or he will behave in reality (especially in stressfull situations). There is no way you will no real answers until you settle in the married life

I think the list is a good source of questions to talk about and discuss, but don't think is a sole answer to the question "to be or not to be"....

Plus, there is the most important quality left out - flexibility. That's the one which comes to my mind and I am sure for someone there are might be other critical qualities which are not on the list.

Russian Wife

[juio99]

... in response to wish it was that easy, posted by RW on Jun 7, 2002

This list is just a starting point; I don't think anyone would claim it is the 'only answer.'  But I still believe that it can give the couple a 'running start' the more they agree on the items within it.

And even before you have children, don't you think it is a good idea to have some agreement about those 'children items?'

And you are right about the 'flexibility.'  I am going to add that to my personal list, and very near the top.  See how flexible I am?  )))

JR

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Anyone have truthful answers??, posted by juio99 on Jun 6, 2002

This is a tough list of questions to throw at someone. Not all of this can be discussed and decided ahead of time. Much of it will have to be worked out.

But... I took a stab at it for you...

Intelligence.         Very

Sense of humor.       Yes (we laughted together a lot)

Desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate (not counting sex).        Does saying "I want you" count as verbal intimacy? ;-)

Sexual drive, sexual interests, methods, positions, etc.   Ummm... a gentlemen shouldn't say. But I think ohmigod! about sums it up...

How much time to spend together.   Don't understand this one...

Amount of involvement desired with in-laws.  Hers? minimal for obvious reasons. Mine? She wants to meet them badly.

Amount of and type of social involvement preferred.   Yes we discussed this.

Views about smoking, alcohol and illegal drugs.   Yes

Dependability.        Yes

Punctuality.          With duly alloted "Put make-up on" time, yes.

Geographical area in which to live.    I think her exact words were: "I would live in a desert in a tent as long as I was by you"

What and when to eat.   Typical response there: "You're the man"

Attitudes about weight.   Doesn't seem to care about my weight. Cares deeply about hers-.

Hobbies and interests.   Yes

Type of music enjoyed.   Yes. And you won't BELIEVE how we enjoyed it!

Energy level for physical activities.   Walked me all over town

Amount of income to be spent and saved.   I don't think she understand the US incomes yet

How money should be allocated - clothes, vacations, etc.   She wants me to set the budget, and then she'll manage it

Level of formal education.  Higher for her

Expected roles for both persons within the relationship.  Discussed, but you can never know this up front, I think

Views about power distribution within the family.  "You're the man" seems to sum it up with her

Political philosophy.   Less communistic than most women I meet from America

The role of conflict and how to resolve it.  Not discussed

The way to handle anger and disappointments.  Have not discussed in detail

Attitudes about cleanliness - house, clothes, body, etc.  Just this side of neat freak. Very tidy, how's that?

Ways of handling sickness.  Don't know

Health standards - when to see a doctor.    She'll need to understand how easy it is here...

Interpersonal and social skills.   Very good

Amount and type of travel preferred.   Not enough experience with it due to limited income

How and where to spend vacations.   Ditto

When to go to sleep and get up.   Sleep? We were supposed to sleep?

Temperature of home during the day and night.  Ironically, I enjoy it colder

Activity during meals - talking, watching TV, etc.   No TV. Just talking

Television programs preferred.  Doesn't watch TV

Size and style of house.   Wherever I provide makes her happy

Type of furniture and decorations.   Don't know
How friendships with the opposite sex should be handled.  Good question... dunno (I don't have any, so shouldn't be a problem)

Expected amount of privacy and rules for its use.   Rules?

Level of ambition.  High. I don't think a woman meets a foreigner without some ambition

Life goals.   love and be loved in return.

Amount of money to be given away and to whom.   My choice

Degree of risks to be taken with investments.   My choice

How to celebrate major holidays.   We need to get together on this yet

Social and economic background of family.   Academic parents

Faith and spiritual beliefs and preferences.  We discussed this at great length (this was in my top five)

Amount of church involvement.    Frequent

Family spiritual involvement.     Deep

When a family (children) should be started.   N/A we have them

Desired number of children.   2

Child-rearing views.   Will need to be worked out

[juio99]

... in response to Re: Anyone have truthful answers??, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 7, 2002

in many cases your answer is one sided or only from the viewpoint of one of you.  The idea, as I understand it, is that the two parties hold similar beliefs about the item.

JR

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Good work Mark, but, posted by juio99 on Jun 7, 2002

It seems that you want to say that no one who has gotten engaged has been through this list of fifty things, and therefore, they have not done due dilegence, and shouldn't be getting married?

As RW said, life is just not that simple.

I think the list is a good place to start dialog, but it is not important that a couple are exactly alike, or walking in complete lock-step.

And, as was also pointed out... you can say anything... some things can not truly be known until you are in the situation...

[juio99]

... in response to What are you probing for???, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 8, 2002

Mark, I am not probing for anything.  I am just doing the good natured give and take that is involved in many of the subjects posted here.  And I assuredly am not saying what you attribute to me in your first sentence.

I repeat; I found the list, I thought it was a good list, you were the first to attempt to post your answers to the list, and I just pointed out to you that while the list says 'best when the two parties agree on the item' some of your answers were just from one party's viewpoint.

Peace   :-))

JR

[BrianN]

... in response to Anyone have truthful answers??, posted by juio99 on Jun 6, 2002

Juio, I'd like to think that it all really doesn't depend on a "list", but whether two people can love, and learn to tolerate the differences of the other, get along, be productive together, and respect each other's views on things.

We're all students of the business (sob's) of relationships and that never changes, no matter how long one's been at it.  I'm no expert any anyone elses situation, but over time I've learned to be an expert of my own, and pay attention to the things that are absolute no-go's.  After all, the no-gos are what screw up relationships in the first place when they aren't paid attention to.  (ie, the red flags, even if they have nothing to do with money, but could be purely philosophical differences for example - which you list here).

There ain't nothing perfect in any relationship, and if you think you've got a lot of work to do based on this laundry list, you may want to consider that you might have too many barriers up which prevents you from considering someone that may have a few flaws or inconsistencies that are minor, but yet, are perfect in every other way for you.  Love is a risk no matter how one looks at it.

Shoot man, you been there done that more than me and had a lot of fun with different babes, but were you ready for any kind of commitment with any of them or what exactly were you looking for?  The first lady you met and conversed with for months and then went to visit... what went wrong with her?  (because she didn't know spaceeba? or thank you?).    Don't you know that Russians are historically "this way" simply because of the regime of communism that was in place for so long?  

Then you made the second trip and met with 11 of them.... Then you made a trip to turkey and saw 3 of those for a week each?

Have you considered the possiblity that your emotional barriers may be so high that you don't want to go there, until you've found perfection?  Are you sure you've been barking up the right trees?

The "work" that you speak of that you have left to do, may be in your own emotional house cleaning.  After all, a single man is only available to a woman that he makes himself available to - and if that emotional part of the you isn't available, then the woman will read it so fast that she'll adapt instantly to the same routine.. and nothing happens in the long term.

Perfection in emotions and logic (american style) just ain't going to happen with a foreign woman.  It takes a lot of work after the fact too.

Just my thoughts...  Sorry, didn't mean to lecture you.

[juio99]

... in response to That's a loaded question Juio, posted by BrianN on Jun 7, 2002

I didn't make up this list.  Presumably it was constructed over time by those involved in marriage counseling.  I personally think it is pretty good.

And you are falling back on the same idea that I already noted, 'love will conquer everything.'

But the point of the idea is that people have a 'built-in' better chance the more they agree on the items.

So the point is, find the lady where you both can agree on most of the items, and then let your "two people can love, and learn to tolerate the differences of the other, get along, be productive together, and respect each other's views on things" take over.

And, you aren't being consistently logical in some of your comments.  You say, "(because she didn't know spaceeba? or thank you?). Don't you know that Russians are historically "this way" simply because of the regime of communism that was in place for so long?"

But notice that I have not had that complaint about the other 11 ladies.  They all knew how to say thank you both in English and in Russian, and the 3 I spent time with in Turkey said it often.  So I would say they 'are not this way.'

And who said anything about perfection?  The heading indicates 'more successful the more the two agree on each item' and 'more successful the more the two agree on the ranking of items.'

JR

[BrianN]

... in response to No, it is not, posted by juio99 on Jun 7, 2002

It's the right mix of logic and emotions that can make things happen though.

And this re-posted list, is a perfectionists dream come true.

[oldbutspry]

... in response to Anyone have truthful answers??, posted by juio99 on Jun 6, 2002

I just got engaged in Tver last month.  I looked over your list and I think I covered most of the items with my fiancee.  With regards to money, we went over the process of determining how to allocate money but not specific allocations.  I think that is something that constantly changes anyway.  Didn't discuss how much money to give away or how to celebrate major holidays.  Also didn't discuss when to see a doctor but she was sick while I was there and we seemed to agree on what to do so as not to make her more sick.
And politics was just too difficult to talk about.  The Russians I met seemed to have just given up hope of any true political reform in their country.  I did, however, point out my interest in politics and point out my belief in the value of integrity (Bush) versus personality (Clinton).  I think it will take a significant amount of time to learn about American politics before any true understanding can develop there.

[juio99]

... in response to Re: Anyone have truthful answers??, posted by oldbutspry on Jun 7, 2002

that you have already covered most of the items.

But regarding political philsophy, I don't think it is a matter of understanding the american system.  It is really very basic;  either a person believes in a free enterprise system where people try to help themselves and are rewarded accordingly OR they believe in a cradle to grave system where some work harder than others but all share equally in the rewards.

JR

[oldbutspry]

... in response to WOW, I am surprised, posted by juio99 on Jun 7, 2002

I think politics involves much more than economics.  How about the idea of checks and balances?  And of having a less centralized system that is more responsive to the needs of the people?  And how our government is supposed to be a servant unto the citizens?  And the notion of having rights that you are born with that can't be taken away - even by the will of the majority?  Then you can start getting into a discussion about how making a totally safe society is simply contradictory to freedom...

And I think it would be hard for a Russian woman to understand until she began to see that each little thing is part of an overall mindset.  Not to imply that all Americans believe in our founding principles (that's certainly not the case)...

[juio99]

... in response to Re: WOW, I am surprised, posted by oldbutspry on Jun 8, 2002

I did just focus on political economy.  Thanks for setting me straight.  :-))

JR