After the worst holiday season of my life, I discovered that Lena had pre-enrolled in secondary english courses at the end of December, using some of the money that I had sent for Christmas. (Oh man, I really like this woman!). There was a registration deadline, and she didn't have time to get to the agency to email me to ask about this and just took the initiative on her own, figuring that I'd approve (who me? say no?). It was a 4 month long course and the cost for this part was 150.00. What the heck, I sent her the total amount anyway in mid-January.
Now, there were a number of other semi-disastrous situations where I allowed my fears and "red-flag'ism" to almost get the best of me, and the worst, was in March. Right now, I can't even remember what it was about other than in the end, I was so stupid that I blacked it out intentionally. Get away from the keyboard once in a while and think about something else! Maybe go fishing! No... won't work. I'll be thinking about phantom problems while I'm waiting for the fish to bite. I will say this.... it was a problem with language and interpretation, (AGAIN!). Both of us feared at that time of splitting up. She wrote to me that she did not want to throw away such a solid relationship over some simple things, that even she could not understand. This is where Olga kicked me in the butt. Same old thing. Olya's words... "she really loves you and you underestimate her"... She was right.
At the moment of reading Lena's concerns about splitting up, and my friend Olya's reassurances, it was like I had been hit by a mack truck.... major course correction. I need a lobotomy. Life should be easier. Is there any way I can be there today? Then I decided that it no longer matters what happens here with me business wise, I have to go immediately. At the beginning of April, in no condition to even dream of going yet, I decided that I would get there the fastest and most cost effective way possible as I had to put this thing to rest. Either we're meant for each other, or we're not. I can't continue to live like this with such emotional ups and downs, and she doesn't deserve it either. I later learned that Lena had made the statement during the most recent phantom situation.... "does he always do this with the women that fall in love with him? What do I do now?" Lena seemed to be on firmer ground (more self-protective) than I was and I really liked that about her because I didn't need the up and down wreck that I had become over the last ten years as a mirror partner. I needed some offsetting balance. Some common sense.
Continued...
