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Title: You have to have respect Post by: Pete E on November 17, 2003, 05:00:00 AM Clay on latin womens list did a post on love the other night I thought was good.But reading further in to the relationship he is in its a disaster,puts my screw up to shame.I won't get in to specifics,but believe me.
Here is my post to him.Yes,I know,I am very guilty of this also.It is the basis of my failed marriage.It became very clear to me tonight.Not just in response to Clays post but to my own situation I am still living in,but not for long. Pete
Pete Title: Yeah I agree with that pete! Post by: Fuzzyone on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to You have to have respect, posted by Pete E on Nov 17, 2003
Yea Pete with what I went throu I agree 100% with you. I did not demand the respect and I never got it big mistake.!! Title: Amen! Re: You have to have respect Post by: Zorrowins on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to You have to have respect, posted by Pete E on Nov 17, 2003
Having survived a relationship where I wasn't respected, I have some "free" advise. It is most important to be introspective of yourself or you(me) may repeat the awful experience. In my case I met my lover when I was losing weight from 375#. I weighed 245# at the time and felt 375#, unworthy of anybody, and zero self-esteem. All of a sudden a beautiful 11 year younger women wanted ME! I fell and fell for her hard! I was a door mat BIG TIME! So after a 2.5 year mostly unhappy relationship, here's some pointers. (1) She may have Narcisstic Personality Disorder if she's attracted to "weak" individuals she can totally dominate(Read Loving The Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown). Believe me Narcissist can spot you accross a crowded room and will initially give you everything you want. The price will be high-too high in the end. (2) Look at yourself honestly. Acknowledge your problems(emotionally), identify your problems, and get help! Learn all you can about Narcissist and yourself-their prey. Why did they choose you?(oh yes they choose you). Most importantly how will it be any different next time? READ the book! Lastly the defination of insanity-Doing the same thing and expecting a different result! Title: Re: Amen! Re: You have to have respect Post by: Pete E on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Amen! Re: You have to have respect, posted by Zorrowins on Nov 18, 2003
It seems so clear in hindsight what I did,and it was pretty stupid. I first blew respect by proposing to her too quickly.It was kind of a spur of the moment thing but if I had thought about it from the standpoint of respect I would have delayed that,alot longer than what I was thinking.Up to that point I was being pursued.She wanted me but didn't know if she could have me.I should have let her remain in that state for a week or 2.Instead I threw away any respect by being way too fast and way too easy.And it just went downhill from there.Getting respect back after you have given it away can be almost impossible.You probably just need to start clean with someone else. God to think of all I have given her and to think it just made me appear a fool.How incredibly stupid. Now I need to take the only stand I can and just leave.I thought I might be crying as I went out the door.My new thought is it will be more like frankly Scarlet I don't give a damn. Then I start looking at this in so many other areas of my life,where I just give away my power and self respect by volunteering demeaning things about myself.How stupid.What a poor way to treat the most important person in my life,me. I was watching Arnold get sworn in as California governor yesterday.He couldn't have even started to accomplish what he has without loads of self respect. Hm,reminds me of an old movie where Bogart is this guys hero.Every time he had to do something he would think what would Bogie do? Maybe I will look at it from that standpoint.What would somebody I could really respect do? Its so simple,why was it so hard to learn?? Pete Title: Pete-Only wear the clothes that fit you! Post by: Zorrowins on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Amen! Re: You have to have respect, posted by Pete E on Nov 18, 2003
Pete, Please quit totally blaming yourself! Your partner has some serious issues too. However, I would bet she considers herself blameless and a victim. (Hmm-an N perhaps?) Hang in there-a new day is dawning. But just remember the definition of insanity-Doing the same thing and expecting a different result! :-) Title: Re: Pete-Only wear the clothes that fit you! Post by: Pete E on November 19, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Pete-Only wear the clothes that fit you!, posted by Zorrowins on Nov 18, 2003
I certainly don't intend to do the same thing,other than choosing to hang in here for 2 more weeks for some important reasons. And I'm not so much blaming myself as in beating myself up as admitting I was responsible for letting it happen to me.Thats just facing the truth,regardless of her bad behavior I had to allow it to happen.Which is not to say she didn't have anything to do with it.Of course she did.It was her choice which I went along with.And the denial on her part.So convincing it made me wonder if I was the crazy person.She will not admit what she did to anyone.She can't even admit the truth to herself.But I don't think she is big time N.She does seem to care about some people,just not me. I don't think I will do it quite like that again. Pete Title: Ok Pete-Now for Some Physco Babble Post by: Zorrowins on November 20, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Pete-Only wear the clothes that fit ..., posted by Pete E on Nov 19, 2003
As You Know I dated, was in love with and was verbally engaged to a Narcissit(which I didn't realize at the time). So when everything blew up in my face I spent monthes educating myself. So for a paradox regarding Narcissitic Women. They usually invest an enormous amount of time and attention on their children. They are very sacrifical in the effort expended on the younger children. Here's the rub-Things are not as they appear. They consider their "loved" ones an extension of themselves. They have a very poorly developed sense of where they end and the other begins. The "loved" ones are an extension of themselves. Didn't you ever wonder why she's such a control freak? Why? To an N it is just like her right arm. If you commanded your right arm to reach for the door knob and it didn't respond--Wouldn't you go nuts? Thats what a N does when a "love" one doesn't respond in the way the N wishes. They go nuts! To them you are an extension of themselves if you're their "loved" one. So when their kid does some great thing-The N did it. When they invest time and effort with their kid, they are loving themselves. They can't really love anybody, as they do not have empathy. It only appears to be love. Nuts-You bet! READ the book-Loving The Self Absorbed by Nina Brown. Just my thoughts! Title: Pete, have you had any counseling? Post by: Freddie on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Amen! Re: You have to have respect, posted by Pete E on Nov 18, 2003
[This message has been edited by Freddie] If not I suggest you get some SOON. This website is a poor substitute, especially for someone who seems to thrive on continually rehashing their mistakes. Title: Re: Pete, have you had any counseling? Post by: zack on November 19, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Pete, have you had any counseling?, posted by Freddie on Nov 18, 2003
Freddie I have to respectfully disagree. First of all, Pete is just sharing his frustrating story with us and laughing at himself for mistakes that most of us have made, including me. Secondly, if he were to see a counselor, good luck finding one that can relate to his story more than us. Good luck finding a counselor who went to Colombia and dated Colombian women. To me, WE are the best "counselors" for Pete. Zack Title: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any counseling? Post by: JSlo on November 19, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Pete, have you had any counseling?, posted by zack on Nov 19, 2003
Zack, I may agree that Pete can get along without the services of a counselor, however, this board certainly is no substitute for a true professional. The problem in seeking help is that there are a lot of quacks out there and you really have to do your homework to find a good one. If Pete sought help, Colombian women would hardly be mentioned as the problem. J Title: Re: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any counseling? Post by: zack on November 19, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: Pete, have you had any counselin..., posted by JSlo on Nov 19, 2003
JSlo, I agree that this board is no substitute for a true professional. We are not psychologists. What I am saying is, nobody can relate to a person's problem more than someone who has actually been there. I saw two different relationship counselors before regarding a previous Colombian relationship and both counselors had this attitude of "why the hell are you looking for a woman in Colombia in the first place?" Like you said, you have to do your homework to find a good one. Zack Title: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any counseling? Post by: Pete E on November 20, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any couns..., posted by zack on Nov 19, 2003
Yeah I don't think I will go find a young hottie in Colombia would be well recieved.Particularly by the old broads we are trying to avoid by going there.My ex is a counsoler.She probably wouldn't be big on it.And I wouldn't even bother with a relationship with someone like her now. But whats their solution?Lower your expectations? If you are living your life fully you have no need for some would be expert to tell you how to do it. Have you seen that commercial where this guy is out driving his new car while his shrink is listening to his so long message? Analysis can be of help for very confused people who don't know where to turn. But,I think I will mail one particularly ditsy shrink and tell her how slow she was to get what was so f---king obvious.I have very much less respect for would be proffesionals after some totally incompitent ones I have encountered recently. And ,did you know,the suicide rate for shrinks is 5 times the national average? Really want to pay them $100-$150 an hour to tell you what you should do? A doctor can make alot of money because they can help you alot in 10 miniutes.Shrinks think they should make the same money helping you VERY slowly or not at all.10 miniutes will get you nothing. Been there,done that,wish I had my money back.But I did learn from it.I remember just sitting upright in bed one night thinking hey,I have to deal with this myself.Nobody can do it for me or probably even be much help.The most important insight you will ever get with a shrink is YOU DO NOT NEED THEM.YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE.NO ONE ELSE. Pete Title: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any counseling? Post by: zack on November 20, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any c..., posted by Pete E on Nov 20, 2003
Pete, I agree with Calipro. The best therapy in the world is to go to Cali. It is a great way to get your mind off your problems. Regarding counselors, the good ones are not a waste of money. Some are truly helpful. But yes, there are a lot of useless counselors out there. Regardless, a thousand counselors won't give you the therapy that a few Cali trips would give you. Zack Title: Pete, the only therapy you need......... Post by: Calipro on November 20, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any c..., posted by Pete E on Nov 20, 2003
The only therapy you need is the kind you can only get in Cali. One trip to Caleņa heaven and you'll thank your wife for leaving you. I know I did. What ever you do don't hang around your ex during the holidays. It will be to depressing. I suggest the following itineray: Total price for this trip: $993.90
Title: Re: Pete, have you had any counseling? Post by: roadken on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Pete, have you had any counseling?, posted by Freddie on Nov 18, 2003
Perhaps it is more productive to look at Pete's dissertation's as a learning tool for the rest of us.It is easy to take shots at the foilables of others.We have all made mistakes.Pete's is out in the open.If he can keep other poor souls from repeating what he has done,then he has been of great service.Yes?Yes!! Title: Re: Pete, have you had any counseling? Post by: Pete E on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Pete, have you had any counseling?, posted by Freddie on Nov 18, 2003
Nope. I have done that before.It was slow expensive conversation and the changes needed to be made by me anyway,not by someone else.I wish I could have my money back.Also,along the line of respect,paying somebody a huge amount of money per hour to talk to you is a emotional downer,a downside of the process.It reinforces there is somethig wrong with me.Its been called a $50,000 excuse for being the way you are,but that was before inflation.For me it just kept me more stuck instead of taking charge and doing what I needed to do.I'm not saying it doesn't have any value in some cases.But there is a negative as well as a plus to it.But been there,done that.No mas. And I just think out loud here sometimes.It just hit me about respect.It seemed important to me.Its just a way to express and it might even have some value to someone else. Rehashing my mistakes?I'm not beating myself up about it.Just the opposite I am laughing at my stupidity.It comes with the ah ha. Pete Title: Re: Pete, have you had any counseling? Post by: lswote on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Pete, have you had any counseling?, posted by Freddie on Nov 18, 2003
I don't think Pete is rehashing his mistakes. Rather, Pete is a friendly, talkative guy who just talks about whatever is at hand. I am sure when he finally is able to make his move he will be talking about something new, but right now he is in a bit of a holding pattern, so this topic is currently what he talks about. Title: Re: Re: Pete, have you had any counseling? Post by: Pete E on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Pete, have you had any counseling?, posted by lswote on Nov 18, 2003
Thanks Bruce.You understand exactly. Pete Title: And - - Post by: Pete E on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: Pete, have you had any counselin..., posted by Pete E on Nov 18, 2003
It will be good to move on to talking about other things.Like the chica situation in Cali. Pete Title: Re: And - - Post by: gkdrummer on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to And - - , posted by Pete E on Nov 18, 2003
Honestly Pete, I have to give you props for being able to keep your chin up in your current situation. Mine has been hard enough, but I couldn't even imagine how I could function if I had to still live with her every day. You're gonna be fine man, just hang in there and we will all be eagerly waiting to hear of your new stories from Cali soon! Title: Re: Re: And - - Post by: Pete E on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: And - - , posted by gkdrummer on Nov 18, 2003
Thanks, I'm feeling pretty good but it is strange still seeing her all the time. I guess one of the reasons I wanted to tell the story is because I intend to be around here for years so I had to finish that one before I can go on to the next one. And like Bruce says,I do like to talk.This board fills a need for expression that I guess is important to me. Maybe I will change my handle to Cali Pete? No,sounds a little hokey. Pete Title: Re: Re: Re: And - - Post by: Fuzzyone on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: And - - , posted by Pete E on Nov 18, 2003
Pete keep writing I enjoy reading your post very much since I am in the same postion you are in. I don't know about anyone else but if it stops one guy from making the same mistake then keep going!! Title: Re: You have to have respect Post by: zack on November 18, 2003, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to You have to have respect, posted by Pete E on Nov 17, 2003
A deep and sincere respect for yourself is most important. If you don't have self-respect, she will sense it and the word "doormatt" becomes more obvious. Zack |