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As you know, you and I dated a very self absorbed AW. Mine was 10.5 years younger than me and atractive. I found myself always trying to please her and would occasionally be rewarded with TLC. And now that we are apart, I've not been able (so far) to hook up with another AW as young and attractive. Here in the Northeast there isn't a large supply of single, available attractive women. She,due to her warped personality, probably is more attracted to older men whow are more likely to "worship" her and put up with her BS.

Now if she were a Colombina she wouldn't last 30 minutes with any man. The men would not put up with the BS, etc. because of so many readily available women. However, the man could be as self absorbed as he wanted due to the shortage of elegible men.

So here's the question. Will Colombia forever change(for the better)my personality and attitude towards women? To date my attitude is to placicate them as I'm 55 and am attracted to 45 year old and younger females. So to be successful in the mating game with the much younger females, I try very hard to please them. I'm begining to understand that if there was a large pool of attractive women to choose from,I would be less solicitous. After years of conditioning perhaps this is somewhat true of most AM and this is why Colombianas are attracted to us versus Colombian men.(?)

... in response to Question to Zack & others regarding ..., posted by Zorrowins on Nov 8, 2003

I think I got you guys beat with where I live.At the same time I first went to Colombia 4 years ago next month an article came out in the paper here(San Jose,Silicon Valley,Ca.)saying we had just passed Alaska as the worst place for single men.I'm not sure what they based it on but it seemed right to me from my experience.Just alot of guys,many highly successfull,and not many attractive women that are unattached.I could go to a bar.It would be 50 women,150 guys,and all the guys were after the 10 best looking women.When I was in my 30's I could still score in that atmosphere but it got tougher and tougher.
The best place for guys based on the number of INTERSETED available women?Cali I think,hands down,although it does have its negatives as a long term place to live.
And for women its just the opposite.My wife,who was just ordinary in Colombia and older than what most guys were interested in is a hot item here.She is usually the best looking woman any place she goes.
So we are trading towns.She stays in San Jose,I go to Cali.
We both get the best of all worlds.
Brazil is still in the running here,just because it looks like such a great place to live.If not initially maybe later.
The other thing to consider being on the rebound I could just go for the first attractive woman,not to marry but fool around with.But then she  could be hard to get rid of if I decided to keep looking.Well ,thats a problem I am willing to tackle ,better than what I am living with now.

Pete

... in response to Question to Zack & others regarding ..., posted by Zorrowins on Nov 8, 2003

Zorrowins,

Just stay the nice, "try to please her" person that you were with your narcissistic EX and get your ass to Colombia. Once you are there you will realize that you are "no longer in Kansas". It is such a refreshing change from the arrogant, sarcastic, snotty attitudes that so many beautiful American women have. Most women in Colombia, including the attractive ones, appreciate nice men. That is one reason why they are willing to give up everything and move to another country- to be with a nice man. They are fed up with the Colombian machistas.

Yes, Colombia will forever change your attitudes about women. Having multiple girlfriends is a common thing down there. My novia's dad has fathered five children, all from different ladies during his marriage. His wife knows this and they are still married. It is just more accepted down there and a lot of women can't just leave their husbands because of their situation. When a lady grows up in this kind of family, can you imagine how refreshing it must be for her to think of spending the rest of her life with a faithful man like yourself?

By the way, I read the book you recommended, "loving the self-absorbed". It was an interesting book. I didn't know there were different kinds of narcissists. I was surprised that the book tried to give advice as to how to make your relationship with a narcissist work. My solution is simple:
Run like hell! Why try to work it out? Personality disorders are not treatable.  I would rather be involved with an average-looking normal lady than a beautiful narcissist.

Zack

... in response to Question to Zack & others regarding ..., posted by Zorrowins on Nov 8, 2003

You are not the the only one. I live in the Northeast and there is nothing
to look at up here. You cannot even get eye contact if you died! All I can
say to you is go down to S.A. and see for yourself. I went down to Peru
and met a woman. I made a mistake with her but I am trying again with a
clearer mind and will hopefully find the right one. My future ex was 10
years younger and drop dead beautiful. I think that was what messed me
up. GO FOR IT!!!

... in response to Re: Question to Zack & others regard..., posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 8, 2003

Hey Fuzzy, I'm curious to hear your story. Would you mind sharing what you can about your divorce? Stories like yours help the rest of us.  Thanks.

... in response to Re: Re: Question to Zack & others re..., posted by surfscum on Nov 9, 2003

Actually yea I will tell you only because either you will die laughing or
think man this guy was sure a fool. I was on this site back in 1998
searching for my better half. I started writing woman from S.A. countries,
I sent out about 60 letters and got about 15 responses. Well I cut it down
to two woman and finally picked my future wife. I went to visit her for
three weeks in that time everything seemed to be ok but there was little
things that seem not quite right. Examples... I changed hotels and had to
check out at 12:00 noon she said she would be there, she showed up a
hour late so I had to wait in the lobby for her. She seemed to be jealous
of a aunt. She would get in fights with her friends for no reason, just got
mad at them. She did not know how to cook, her mother did all the
cleaning. She was writing several other men, one of who was writing
letters that belonged in Penthouse. But she was so beautiful and at the
time we were getting along good. So to really screw things up good at
the end of the three weeks I asked her to marry me, of course she said
yes. I told her she would have to stop writing all the men she said yes
and I thought that was it.

 I left went back home and we kept in contact phone , letter. Well this
went on until she was ready to come up here with a K1. I noticed that
every once in a while she would call me flipping out all upset about
something but would never tell me. Well she finally told me that she
never stopped writing the other men and I managed to read some of her
e-mails she had wrote. I was pissed but I forgave her and she came up
her. She was here for about two weeks before her mother came up so we
could get married. After we were married things still were not right... I
found out she still was writing other men in fact one she gave my phone
number to so he could call her, another she was arranging to met him in
South Carolina. Well I put a stop to all that but it did not get better. Her
mother left to visit her sister down south and of course my wife had
never learned how to cook. We start to fight every night when I came
home from work LIFE really started to suck!

 Things started to get even harder my older daughter moved in with us
my wife hated her tried anything she could to get rid of her. As this was
going on she was still writing other men, the e-mails contained do loie
dubby stuff but she still was doing it. I ended up putting a program on
my computer to copy all the e-mails she sent out so I would know what
she was up to. Our life together had got to be pure H#ll, she was fighting
now with both my girls wanted nothing to do with them. I was coming
home from work and she was getting up at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and
basically doing nothing. Something happened and my younger daughter
had to move in the house well now life really went down the tubes.
Finally she moved out to a abused woman's shelter, and no I never hit
her but she was going to nail me one way or another to get that green
card. Three weeks later she came back home and lasted 4 days. She
wanted to go home, which I gave her a ride to the airport and back to
Peru she went.

 She stayed in Peru for about 8 months and begged to come back saying
everything was ok now she would be good. Well I the big fool let her
come back. I knew something had happened down in Peru but I really
could not put my finger on it. So for the next year things were ok until
this summer. Now here is the good part I still was reading her e-mails to
see what she was up to but there really was not much going on. This
summer I went to my closet to get a shirt I had not wore in a long time
well it was gone along with 7 silk shirts I had. I was pissed, she gave
them away!!!! Well from what I knew of her, usually if she is doing one
screwed up thing then there is something else. So I chucked her e-mail
and yep she was writing this guy again and yes it appeared she had a
boyfriend. I let it go for awhile to see what really was going on. Finally I
was able to piece things together she had a affair with this guy in Peru
when she was there. Well that was it!!! We are done, we had a big fight
and you know something funny she did not give a rats behind. She just
kept lying to me until I showed her the e-mails. Well what did I learn
from this???

 If your girl lies to you all the time, if she at 30 years old steals money
from her mom, if she breaks every promise she makes to you, if she
does not know how to do house work. Run like h#ll to some where safe
and leave the loser down in S.A. for some poor man down there to
marry.!! One last thing don't think you know what you are doing down
there and these guys on this board know nothing because if I had paid
attention to these guys I would not have been in this position. Wait don't
rush if she leaves you she was not worth your time anyway.

... in response to part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 9, 2003

You have got to be kidding me!!! I cannot believe you actually allowed yourself to be in this situation. you are as much to blame as her, i got physically sick just reading that. That was truly pathetic. sorry, but that's my honest opion.
Bryan

... in response to Re: part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by chizz on Nov 9, 2003

Chizz you wil never know until you are in this position. I use to think hey
I never going to do that those guys just did not know what they were
doing I do. Lo and behold I did not. The funny thing was the owner of the
place I had bought the girls addresses from did not seem too happy
about what I had did, in fact he said I at least should have arranged to
meet several girls down there if case things did not work out. Well he
was right about that one.

 You are not the only one that was physically sick about this until I made
my mind up what to do. At one point I thought I was going to have a
stroke from the stress. It was not a good situation, chizz your allowed
your opion I just hope you read on what happens to some of us and not
let it happen to you.

Cheers

... in response to Re: Re: part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 9, 2003

Fuzzy,
The problem is it's one thing to get caught off-guard and get burned, but when your wife, is constantly lying to you to your face, and you know this, and still let her get away with it, there's something seriously wrong. How many times do you have to catch your wife writing to a man she told you she wasn't going to, or how many times you going to let this woman walk over you before you do something. I'm not trying to sit back and be all high and mighty, but dayum, There should be a point where you say, enough is enough. You don't give a woman like this your heart, watch as she stomps on it, and then allow her to do it again. There's an old saying that goes,"fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me", and that was very true in this case. take care.
Bryan

... in response to Re: Re: Re: part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by chizz on Nov 10, 2003

I like Pres. Bush's version at his speech a couple of months back:

"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again. You've got to understand..."

Gotta love that guy!

... in response to Fool me once..., posted by cancunhound on Nov 10, 2003

I agree, I like his version better also. Never fooled twice. I like it.

... in response to part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 9, 2003


Yeah, I just got off line with my, should I say, "ex-fiancee' who is in Colombia. There have be red flags along the way, but you know how we do; we rationalize, we think of our time and money invested and figure, maybe that personality flaw will go away.

But, it doesn't. It just gets worse.

She's begging me to "reinstate" her in the relationship. She thinks that I am not able to forgive her. Oh, I can do that, but I can't trust her and told her just that.

I did not know about this board when I first started this relationship. Now, I rely on it heavily, because many have been there and done that, and there are valuable lessons to be learned.

Now, I must start the process all over again. It won't be easy, but one thing for sure I will be better and wiser in the process.

Thanks for sharing Fuzzyone.

~Henry

... in response to part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 9, 2003

.. but with all of those "personality quirks", why did you decide you wanted to marry her anyway? Did you think she'd suddenly change? Did you think they wouldn't matter? Just curious what your thinking was that would allow you to overlook, what in hindsight, you now consider major red flags.

- Jeff

... in response to Not to be a Monday morning quarterback....., posted by Jeff S on Nov 9, 2003

She was very beautiful and I thought we could get by those problems.
Sometimes you see problems that don't appear like they really are
nothing but when the crap hits the fan you find out real quick certain
problems were well pretty major. I guess that is a warning to anybody
out there if you see something wrong bite into it like a bull dog and
make sure you can live with it if you can.

... in response to Not to be a Monday morning quarterback....., posted by Jeff S on Nov 9, 2003

How aprapau (sp?) that a friend sent me this in an eamil about an hour ago. This explains a LOT of why men do stupid things concerning women. (Not aimed a Fuzzy in particular, we've ALL done some stupid things, even, no, scratch the word 'even', substitute 'especialy' -- I).

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but all was empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away

"We're down here."

... in response to Re: Not to be a Monday morning quarterba..., posted by Michael B on Nov 9, 2003

Do not feel alone.I have been through two girlfriends and one fiancee,all of which exhibited red flags.Some sooner than others.It is difficult to start over and i have felt that pain and disgust but it is necessary.The whole reason we go south is for a woman who appreciate us( and look great) and not behave like AW.Dust yourself off,take a deep breath and go catch another one.The supply is endless.

... in response to Re: Not to be a Monday morning quarterba..., posted by Michael B on Nov 9, 2003

I got a good chuckle out of that one. BTW, if you care, it's "a propos". And people complain about english spelling?

... in response to part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 9, 2003

I'm not laughing either; I've made my share of mistakes, too. Thanks for your honesty.

You say you are looking again: are you returning to Peru? Or has the experience totally turned you off to the country?

... in response to Re: part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by surfscum on Nov 9, 2003

Actually I am looking in Mexico right now. Not that I would not go back
to Peru but right now its just south of the border. I have several girls I
am writing to right now that are pretty nice. But slow is the word for it as
right now. I am sure not going to get screwed like I did the last time.
When I was in Peru what amazed me the most was there was beautiful
woman running all over the place, but I will tell you one thing learn
spanish you will need it down there.

... in response to part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 9, 2003

Sorry, but that beats my train wreck of a marriage to my ex-Colombiana.  Although I was whipped, and whipped good, if I had gotten her out of my life and out of this country for 8 months there is absolutely no way I would have ever brought her back.

What did I learn from your post???  If a guy is hung up enough on a girl there is no limit to what she can do and he will still take her back.

Steve

... in response to part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 9, 2003

Your ex had no respect for you plain and simple. You gotta have respect before anything else. I can't imagine putting up with all that trouble from a 30 year old. You didn't mention anything about your intimate relationship with her. That bad, huh?

Well no wonder you're a little bitter.

Part 1 was a real tear jerker. I don't know if I can handle a part 2.

... in response to Unbelievable!!!, posted by Calipro on Nov 9, 2003

Well part 2 will really be just a wrap up and several things I missed that
will be hard to believe but it happened. Think of it this way you think you
found that one woman who will be yours forever but in the end you find
you built your own personnel hell now figure a way out if you can.

... in response to part 1 of a major screw up!!, posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 9, 2003

No I'm not laughing nor going to bring up the "fool" word.  Thanks for sharing that info & I hope your scenario improves - I can certainly understand the bitterness.  A great sailing lesson can be learned here - any guy in the same boat should take it slowly, don't raise that spinaker after a couple of weeks of smooth sailing.  Now should a relationship require a  monitoring of emails - man overboard!!!

... in response to Ouch!!, posted by cancunhound on Nov 9, 2003

It happens... Believe me I am in the process of looking now and it is
going to be slow going this time. No reason to rush and when I see the
red flags this time it will be see ya don't want to be ya! One last thing I
didn't lose anything to her so I guess I was lucky in that respect!

... in response to Re: Ouch!!, posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 9, 2003

I admire your inner strength to share your account about the ex. Is she still in USA? I would just advise you to use that same inner strength to tell any woman to walk immediately if not sooner, if there is a suspicion of another man. Beauty can be blinding if you are not accustomed to having it around. That is why although I am not a Cali(needs-to-grow)Pro fan, I do appreciate his attitude on good looking women. This way, you are not selling your soul to keep her around if she is a stunner. More than anything, you are on the right track by getting up, dusting yourself off, and getting back on the saddle. Things will work out if you don't give up. Wishing you the best.
JSlo

... in response to Re: Re: Ouch!!, posted by JSlo on Nov 9, 2003

Thanks

   The only thing I hope for is that anybody new here will read the stories
from guys like me that failed and will not make the same mistake. I was
pretty depressed in the beginning but you know what helped me out?
Guys like Pete printing their stories so I knew if other guys here could
get up and start over in their search I should be able to.

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Ouch!!, posted by Fuzzyone on Nov 9, 2003

Plus we showed other guys  how not to do it! Some peoples only purpose seems to be to serve as a bad example(Just kidding).
We can't change the past.We did what we did.All we can do is learn from it.
Good luck in moving forward.

Pete