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Ok ,my wife finally got home and we talked about it.
Maybe I was wrong I will let you guys judge.
Jim,looks like you are right again.I needed to talk to her not you guys.But I thought I had talked to her and the story I had recieved to that point,as I understood it,could only be a lie.I was frustrated and I had 4 wine coolers and started saying more and more.
Here was the story.First of all my wife has been very distant for about 3 months.There is no sex as well as no kisses or hugs.It just got much worse.The marriage has rarely been good and it just gotten worse and worse.Friends have asked me do you think she has a boy friend?I have said no,I don't think so.Most of them are much more suspicious than me.One of them even said at a recent party,you just don't even exist to her.She is totally not intersted in you.He was right.And its  hard to take because she is a lively fun person who is interseted in everyone else but me.
OK,so Sunday night  night the phone rings,its a guy,she is talking to him.I hear her say "Papi".I thought for a miniute it was her father,but then the person called here,we always call Colombia.I don't think I am normally a suspicious person,but my antenna went up.I picked up the other phone.I feel totally justified in doing that.I heard her saying Papi and also mi amor,which I already new what that meant.
When she got off the phone I said who was that?She says why? I say because you were calling him papi and mi amor.She says nooo.I say my ears are working fine.I heard you say that.She continues to deny she even said it.
We go to bed.I wake up at 3.00 AM and can't sleep, thinking about it.
When I get up I say we need to talk.I say I definetly heard you say Papi and mi amor.She  denies it again at first,then comes up with a story.She said she was telling the guy that she calls her son Papi and mi amor,which is true.I say thats a very clever answer,but I don't believe you.We kind of leave it at that and she goes to work.I start thinking,what is the chance that she just happened to be telling that guy that she calls her son papi and mi amor,in these few miniutes,while it sounds to me like she is saying it directly to him.
I think no f--king way.Nobody would believe that.You have to also understand that she has been caught in bold face lies that she eventually admitted to our counsoler.I can't believe what she says on its own because she has so blatantly lied to me before.
So I write her this letter and give it to her at her work.
I then answered some close friends who posted here,and started saying more and more in my responses to what people said to me.Somewhat like our thoughts about beenthere I had  4 wine coolers and got to where I was willing to say more than I should have I guess.
Ok ,she comes home at 10.15,she gets off work at 8.00.But she did have this coffee table she bought,she went and picked it up supposedly from this guy or a friend.
She says we need to talk.I say,yes,we do,I would love to talk.
Her spy friends have already called her to tell her what I said.She is  very upset because I posted.I kind of lose it at this point and tell her I don't give a sh!t if she doesn't like it because she is a f--king liar.I  intended to not get in a yelling match,but we did real fast.Then she comes out with a 3rd story,this one  much more believable.She said she was talking to this guys son and was saying papi and mi amor to him.Today the story is it was a 14 year old boy family member.I may be in denial,but I actually believed this story and thought I made a huge mistake.I was listening and the voice was small.I thought this guy is real quiet.Maybe it was a kid.She said I don't have a boyfriend.I think thats true,but to the point of getting the rest of the story I could conclude nothing but that she did.Maybe I'm still in denial.I want to believe her.
We were still yelling at each other at this point.I am saying you are a liar,she is saying you are so rude,both being true I think.
Her biggest complaint is sometimes I yell at her.I know is counterproductive but I just get angry.I feel so used and abused.I have given her,her son and her family so much and I get treated like I don't exist.Yes,I get am angry about it,and it comes out sometimes.Its always a reaction to how she has treated me.When things are good,which is very rare,I am the most loving guy in the world.
Ok,so she calls her mom in Colombia to tell her what an as-hole I am and I think maybe she is right.I asked  my step son,do you think I'm wrong.He says yes.
So I am thinking I made a big mistake,mostly through a misunderstanding.
Bottom line it probably makes little difference.She admitted at our last session with the counsoler she had no feelings for me and it wasn't likely to change.It seemed like the truth was finally told.I think she was unwilling to admit that untill she got her permanent residency.
I have to settle some things that will take about 3 months and I will probably be gone.I am just going to move to Panama or Colombia.Nobody can touch my pension,so I can get by OK.I just can't handle the other alternatives.I can't stay in this marriage as it is and I will not stay here if we divorce.My head is not in to my work and really won't be if we go through a divorce.I have just dug myself a financial hole here by refinancing my house 3 times and spending the money.We spend $9000 a month and I'm not keeping up.Unless this relationship was to miraculously improve my head is just not where it needs to be.If I had a good marriage I could do so much better.I could probably make $200,000 -$300,000 a year if I had a loving wife and my head was in the right place.
So,on this issue,I think I was wrong,it was a misunderstanding.I thought I had all the imformation.I have more now but even though she seems to speak good english now things just keep coming out showing me I didn't understand,and neither did she.
I now think she does not have a boyfriend.I never really thought that before but my understanding of what just happened would let  me conclude nothing else.I'm glad,that would have been very hard for me to handle.I just want us to be civil to each other untill we split.
My wife hates me posting here.I have tried not to say anything personal,and if things were good you would hear only good.But there not good at all and sometimes it just comes out.Jim one thing you were wrong about is I do not have a good thing going,not at all.But I still think she is basically a good person and wish so much she loved me,because I have always loved her.
This list means alot to me but I would give it up for her if things were at all good.But they are not,so I'm not giving this up.Its important to me.I need to be able to talk about it.You guys will be hearing alot more in the future as my life changes.

Pete

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete,

I have been busy working so I printed your post and read it several times at work. I am very sorry about what you are going through. I have never been married but I know how it feels to be in a relationship with an emotionally distant woman.

Hang in there. You are in my prayers. As for advice, everyone has given you that already. Just remember that there are A LOT of beautiful, sincere, kind-hearted women in Colombia. She is not worth your tears, all things considered.

zack

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

I remember on LWL reading about your engagement and marriage. I remember early on in the relationship your asking about lack of sex and lack of affection. Many gave advice. I was probably amongst the more "blunt". I felt then and still feel that most Latinas wear their hearts on their sleeve. Lack of affection from a Latina is a big warning sign.

I remember you guys went for counseling and it seemed you felt she didn't "really" love you romantically but she was a good woman of good character and you did all you could to make it work. I do think there was more than a fair share of "rationalizing" along the way.

From what I remember it seemd like she thought you were a good man, good husband, good father etc, but was not romantically in love with you. I have posted recently how that type of relationship would not appeal to me, but I respect you a million percent for doing all you can to make it work.

Many times if a woman winds up married to a man she respects, cares about, but maybe doesn't love, because she realizes it is best for her her kids future, down the road she will sometimes grow to resent the man. She might resent the fact that she "needs" him. She might resent the fact that he has never given her a real reason not to truely love him. She may resent the fact that she is in a "loveless" marriage etc. It certainly sounds as if things have spiraled downward a bit, and it could be because of the resentment.

You have some tough decisions up ahead. Only you can make those decisions so take all that is written with a grain of salt.

If you do wind up getting divorced, take some time off for YOU. Enjoy being single for a while. Don't rush into anything. Wait till you meet a great girl that makes you want to marry HER!

I was going to follow my own advice after my ex left, but wound up meeting a great girl a few months later. So I am also guilty of "do as I say". I tried to take things really slow, and a friend pointed out that I was playing it cool, because of my concerns and issues, not because of anything she did.

We've also never met, but you are one of the most well liked guys here. You have done way more than you can ever imagine to help others. You have always been very truthful and open, even if it hurt I know some might not agree with that approach, but all must respect you for doing so.

So take some time and think about YOU first. You deserve it!

... in response to Sorry to hear, posted by Ralph on Oct 1, 2003

Ralph,
Thanks.You remember.You are right.I was tolerating by not ending a situation that I never ever thought I would be tolerating.But I just didn't want to let her go.Foolish heart.If you would have told me I would ever do that I would say no way.There is a huge difference between what we think and say and what we will sometimes do.Dallas Steve pointed this out to someone who was critisisignwhat he said vs what he did.Its not hypocritical neccessarily.One is a intellectial idealistic thing,the other is charged with emotions and desires and fears.
It is actually much worse than it looked with the counsoler,who was a nice lady but pretty poor in this situation.A more astute person would have said,listen,she doesn't love you.But she bought Rocio's claim she loved me.She can be very charming in a very real way.Its not phony but it can be used to hide the truth,her greatest enemy.The truth eventually came out.Much later and very much to my wifes advantage.Might be a mal practice case here,but I won't put any energy in that.
But its much worse than I thougt.I knew she didn't love me.But she doesn't respect me and also seems to resent me a great deal.I think its because she was doing something she didn't really want to do and hated that she had to do it but was not willing to be honest because it could cost her.
So I became a figure of resentment.Some of the stories people have opened up and told me recently  border on hate.
You can give a person so much but if it becomes a trap for them they can hate you for it.
But then we always set our own traps and the hate is also at ourself for doing it.

Pete

... in response to Re: Sorry to hear, posted by Pete E on Oct 1, 2003

I doubt the resentment was there in the beginning. In the beginning she probably had a lot of respect for you and "cared" about you. She probably thought she could live life without "true romance" if it was best for her and her child etc.

After a few years, it probably became tougher and she wanst something she knows she would never have with you, so she now resents you.

The ironic and sad part is years from now, when the relationship is a distant memory, I think the resentment will be gone and she will be thankful for all you have done for her etc.

Hopefully many will have learned from your "lesson" and I think you certainly have. Next time around, settle for nothing less than a woman that is crazy about you!!!!

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete,
You're one of the good guys.  Hang in there and best of luck to you.
Mike
P.S. I went through pretty much the same about this time last year with my ex, so I feel for you.

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Did you have a prenuptial aggreement?  If so did she have her attorney and you yours and was it in both English and Spanish to that, if you had such a docuement, that it could easily be understood by the other party in her native language?

Beattledog

... in response to Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by david hagar on Oct 1, 2003

No prenup.I'm my circumstances and with California law it would be no help that I know of.
I have or had 2 important assets.My house and my pension.
California law says increase in value in the house is community property.The house went up a small amount,most of the appreciation happened before I married her.Plus I pulled about $325,000 out of it in refinances since we married,so the net worth went down.There was a big decrease in net worth.
My pension is protected by federal law and cannot be touched,maybe only by the IRS if I had an issue with them.
My income is my other potential asset.But a good income has not even kept me even with what we spend.So why work when I can live on the beach in Latin America with my $40,000 pension.My efforts here,a constant struggle,did not bring me happiness.Like I said I could make alot of money if I had the support of a good wife and my head in to it.There are I would guess maybe 50 realtors here making $1,000,000 plus a year.I'm not in that group,but I could be $200,000 -$300,000.I admit to some laziness and alot of distraction,like now.My tendency,even before I met my wife was to make $100,000 and take the rest of he year off.
There are probably 200 loan brokers making $500,000 plus this year.One of my friends,who I never considered a heavy hitter has grossed over $800,000 so far this year.I should have done loans,which I am licensed to do,but I hate paperwork and wasn't really motivated to work that hard.The question would just keep popping up in my head,Why?The answer could have been for a loving wife,but I didn't have one.
So she is kind of killing the goose that laid the golden egg here.But it was probably all she could stand to try and keep it together to get her permanent residency.
A prenup would not help to my knowledge in situation.But guys who already have big assets need to spell them out in a prenup.Everybody should check it out to see if it could help.
Reminds me of Ken Norton Jr.,who was a linebacker for the 49 ers and lived about 10 miles from me.His father was Ken Norton sr.,the former heavy weight boxing champion.They had a huge parting of the ways when Ken jr did not take Ken sr.s advice to get a pre nup.They din't speak for years.Eventually Ken jr.s wife got them to patch up their relationship.Looks like Ken jr got a good woman,but you never know for sure so you need to protect yourself.
Did I diverge enough?

Pete

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete, I have to ask you about one thing.  You have always spoken as your wife as a good person.  When you tell your story about meeting her you always mention that you saw her character to be good from the start.  But the way I see it, what is happening with you now doesn't indicate very good character on your wife's part.  The best of people can change and find that that their desires are different, but it appears from what you are saying that your wife never had any honest interest or desire for the marriage in the first place other than the benefits it afforded her.  Were you mistaken about her character all this time or do you still feel she is a good person and that the circumstances somehow justify her behavior?

I frankly think the mark of character is to be faithful to yourself, friends and loved ones even when the chips are down and frankly you haven't related much in the way of showing your wife to be faithful to you in any way even when the chips were up.

I consider myself your friend and have a great respect for you so please don't take my question in the wrong light.  I just don't see how your wife is the good woman you painted her to be.  Even if you were in denial about certain aspects of the relationship and failed to fully examine it, the bottom line is that good people don't willingly take advantage of other people.

... in response to Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by lswote on Oct 1, 2003

hmmm... Iswote has a very good point.  It is difficult to make a comment about her character for me, or if she is a good person, or her actions with out knowing the whole story or the 2 sides of the fence, and without knowing you or her personally.  However... Lieing, and continued lieing is not a good characteristic.

It is terrible for anyone to go through some thing like this. I feel bad that you have to go through this, and I hope that this situation will improve quickly.  Good luck, Cheryl

... in response to Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by lswote on Oct 1, 2003

Bruce,
Yes,I still think she is basically a good person.I made her an offer that was good enough to take even if she didn't love me.She said she had the best of intentions.What she did was smart if not ethical.We all have a tendency to rationalize our behavior.
So giving her the benefit of the doubt,which some of my friends think is crazy,she went in to a marriage with a man she did not yet love hoping it could be love.It was a huge opportunity for her and her son.I have gotten feedback in the last 2 days that could justify the opinion of blatant opportunist from the start.The truth is probably somewhere in between.
But its really my fault.I was the one that should have taken the time to be sure she loved me.If she did love me she could have been a super wife.I not only love her but like so many things about her.
So I think her character is good enough had she loved me.Those are the biggees.Character and do they love you.
Screw up on either one you got big trouble.Either one alone is not enough.

Pete

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete,
I'm very grateful for your consistent and sensible contributions to this forum. You're someone on this forum that I trust and your posts played a key role in encouraging me to take the "risk" of going to Cali for the first time this year. I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. However, even in these trying times, you serve as an inspiration. Your attitude is one of persevearance and determination and I admire you for this. I've always thought, what is the worse that could happen if I fall in love with someone from Colombia, marry her and bring her to the U.S? I've concluded that it would be a divorce a few years later. Nevertheless, as you're so courageously demonstrating, it is better to love and fail, then to never have loved at all. I hope that if I ever find myself in your shoes, I will be as honest with this forum, but more importantly, as resilient to continue on in my journey of finding a loving partner. I've never seen such an outpouring of support for someone on this forum like I'm seeing for you today. This is no coincidence, but rather a reflection of the many people you've supported, encouraged and have inspired for so long. I hope the aftermath of this storm in your life, clears the way for a mutually loving and eternal relationship. You deserve the best!

... in response to Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Seeker on Oct 1, 2003

Does that mean its okay to make poor decisions in choosing a partner (based on sex, not character), rush prematurely into a marriage, and then critize the woman because things (of course) didn't work out?

I'm not criticizing Pete at all, but I would like Pete to mention why he chose this particular woman to marry, what is her background, what is the age difference, and how long he knew her before marrying her.

Once again, I am seeing a trend with many posters here of making poor decisions and then complaining about the obvious outcome (unlike Cali vet who seems to make calculated, yet poor decisions, but is honest and at peace about the poor chance of success with his marriages).

... in response to better to love and fail?, posted by senge on Oct 1, 2003

Thats what my father used to tell me.Yes I made poor choices.And I really knew it from early on if I had really faced it.Red flags were all over.They almost always are in a problem situation.But a guy in love can choose to ignore them.
And I guess you could see critisizm of my wife in my story.But basically it was my own fault.I did it to me.I take the resposibilty with the pain.
Because my wife hates for me to post anything negative,you guysw have gotten a one sided story,accentuation the possitive,avoiding the negative.
I still believe in this process.Failure is not inevitable even with big age differences.Enough of my friends and alot of people here prove that.But you sure can screw up if you are not carefull.So I have been supportive of guys choosing a latina while my own situation was not really working.I don't think its hypocritical,but certainly I gave the wrong impression about my situation to those that didn't already know better.

Two of my friends really took the time to find their wife.One guy went once a month for 3 years.Another spent several months at a time there.Thats not easy for most guys.So if you can't live there or do what these guys did an option might be to take your chances but end it early if you make a mistake.Thats what I said I would do,defending my quick decision.But I couldn't,or didn't.I just didn't want to give up on her.It was very stupid,but thats what I did.

Pete

... in response to better to love and fail?, posted by senge on Oct 1, 2003

I think you mean Calipro, not Cali vet.

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete, I am so sorry to hear about what is happening in your life. My email is listed and please contact me if you need someone local to listen and help in this time. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

From my own divorce, I make the following observations: her son will always choose her side.  It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or can't discern right from wrong, it just means he can't accept the idea that he can be loyal to his mother while also being in a relationship with you. Two, keep him out of what is going on between you two. It sounds like, from your earlier posts, that you have a good relationship with him. Be up front with him by telling him that you and his mother have problems, but they don't have to do with him and that he always has a place in your life.

Finally, I'm going to swim against the current of opinion and state that if it is possible to save the marriage, it is worth doing so. When my marriage fell apart(and I had a stepdaughter who couldn't resolve the loyalty issue and walked out of my life) I got out of the house and, fueled by passion, I resolved that I wouldn't go back. But now that 3 years have passed I see it could have been saved. It would have taken a huge amount of work and I'm not sure she would have done it, but it would have saved me from a great personal crisis that will always be with me.

Since that time, I have read a lot about marriage and divorce and many people report that some time after the split their feelings changed to where they would have been able to continue working on the marriage. We don't hear about those stats because they go against the pop culture and its ideas of disposable marriage. Even on this board you're getting the advice that it's so much easier to just bag it, walk away and start over with some new sweetie in SA. Of course, there is any number of women down there who would get involved with you, but I think that is the wrong focus. Marriage is the most intimate of human relations and you just can't walk away from it thinking you'll be the same.

All I'm saying is do the right thing now: get good objective, trusted and professional counsel and see if there might be some way to save the marriage. From my reading, those few who do weather the crisis have a deeper, fuller relationship. Granted, if she never really had sincere feelings for you, then there isn't anything to build on.

Dan

... in response to Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong LONG, posted by surfscum on Sep 30, 2003

Dan,
Unfortunately your last sentence sums it up.No desire on her part to have a real marriage,although she does like the benefits.
I have good relationship with my 12 1/2 yeasr old step son.I told him I know you will be loyal to your mother.I just want to tell you whats happening.Of course he will ultimately side with her.She's his mother.But he is a real thoughtfull good kid.I think he sees whats going on.I told him regardless of what happens with your mother you can always look to me, I will be there for you.Mostly because of him I want to leave them in a OK situation.She doesn't deserve it.He does.

Pete

... in response to Re: Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong LONG, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

I wonder, has she ever been honest about her feelings and motives with you? You must be asking the same kinds of questions. Anyway, give me a call if you want. I'm around.

Dan

... in response to Sorry to hear that., posted by surfscum on Sep 30, 2003

Dan,
Has she ever been honest about her feelings?No.She would never give me any imformation,but I knew things were not right.If someone is not willing to tell you the truth the truth is probably not good.I could only presume,but I'm starting to see how really dishonest the whole thing is.I knew it was dishonest.I just didn't realise the extent.
What can I say? I want to believe the best about people.But boy are my eyes opening up.The vision has been a little foggy with denial for almost 4 years.
But kind of like hanging an innocent man,I would rather  err on the possitive side.I give people the benefit of the doubt untill they show me otherwise,and I am real slow to admit the otherwise.Yes I have been a fool.In a way I would rather do that than be unfairly judgemental.Not smart,but its easier for me to live with.

Pete

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete, though we've never met in person, I've always admired you as a wise and helpful friend. My heart is breaking for you right now. There are few things more painful than to be on the wrong end of a one-sided relationship.

All marriages have problems, of course, even crises. Has your wife made much effort to make the relationship work? From what you've told, it doesn't seem like she has. That's sad. It would be even sadder to find out she never really had any serious feelings for you to begin with, or that she entered a marriage while holding serious (and secret) doubts about her feelings.

It would be difficult for me to support a friend who engaged in such deceptive behavior. (You ladies know who you are...)

Pete, I want to thank you for having the courage and honesty to tell your story. Just know that sharing your experience, though painful, can help dumb schlubs like us to learn and grow from it.

I'm not much for giving advice, but I guess I'll join the frenzy. Whatever happens, just remember them four wise words... "This too, shall pass."

... in response to Support for a Friend, posted by John O on Sep 30, 2003

Pete,

Your story shocked me. I have met you once (at a party in your house) but I have seen your posts many times. Honestly I always admired your posts most of all posts on this board. You are definitely wise man and a good man. Something which is (unfortunately) rare in this world. The fact that you are so good resulted probably that you were taken adventage off this way or the other (it is not me to judge).
I am really really moved by your story. It is not about my dreams, plans, hopes about chicas. But it is about why these things happen to these best guys.
Just want to tell you - you ve got one of the most important things - you ve got respect of many individuals on this board...I know that loosing trust in somebody in whom you invest your life is a terrible thing. I guess you just need to go on.

... in response to Re: Support for a Friend, posted by panol11 on Oct 1, 2003

Thanks,
I am deeply moved by the support I have recieved today.

Pete

... in response to Support for a Friend, posted by John O on Sep 30, 2003

John,
Thanks,
I'm holding up pretty well right now.My heart is not breaking.That happened along time ago.But it took this long to admit the truth I knew all along.I was so swayed by what some people told me and what my wife told me,even though it was obviously not true that I just went along with it.Now I'm hearing other stories that people hesitated to tell me.I knew it was bad but it was worse than that.So old wise Pete is really a fool in this one.I didn't go with my gut feeling.This is no surprise.Its good to get this thing off the dime.

Pete

... in response to Re: Support for a Friend, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

You can ask a latina all the questions you want, but you need to look at how she treats you and others around her. With a latina, if you need to ask or question if she loves you. . . . . . . .she doesn't.

... in response to Actions not words, posted by Ralph on Oct 1, 2003

Ralph,
Agreed.I knew that.So why did I put up with it?Well you put up with it till you stop putting up with it,thats all.Its like beating yourself over the head with a board,it feels good when you quit.

Pete

Pete

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

[This message has been edited by wizard]

Pete:

Sorry that you are having to go through this... I really cannot add any more advice than has already been said by the other members...

Personally, I think you have the right idea about moving south... If you are financially able to do so, I think it's a good choice... Lower cost of living, more relaxed life style and more time to select the correct woman... One who values you for you and not for what you can offer them  financially...

Sometimes people can become complacent in their lives, holding onto a false sense of security that is fleeting at best... Every now and then you just have to turn your life upside down and shake it real hard... Cast off all the crap and start over... Sounds like this is your mindset...

Reminds me of the old Paul Simon song, Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover...
The problem is all inside your head, she said to me.
The answer is easy if you take it logically.
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.

The bottom line is to just get yourself free...

Mark

... in response to You weren't wrong..., posted by wizard on Sep 30, 2003

Mark,
Funny you should mention that song.When it came out one of my friends was wanting to get rid of this woman who was living with him.He said the problem was he couldn't just "slip out the back Jack" because it was his house.
But if you owe more than its worth you can,although the credit can take a big hit.
I was very happy to find out that the only people who might possibly be able to touch my pension is the IRS,and I will pay them.The pension is  $40,000 a year,includes great medical and has a 3% adjustment up every year.I age myself,but I can get social security in a year and a half if I want to take it early,thats like $900 a month more,or $1300 in 5 1/2 years.
I better go find another woman before I get any older.Actually just knowing my age is the biggest problem.I don't look anything like it.I will post a picture one of these days.People  will be surprised.

Pete

... in response to Re: You weren't wrong..., posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Hang in there Pete. There's going to be good times for you again.

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete
 Believe me you are not the only one I have gone through hell for the
last 2 1/2 years. It is finally coming to a end for me. I had my wife tell
me she never really loved me and that her problem was she was always
trying to find something better. Life sucks sometimes but if I can make it
you can to!

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Sorry to hear, keep your head up.

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete,
I feel for you bud.  As you know, I was only married for 4 months to my Colombian wife.  And even then, the divorce process was a horrible thing to have to go through.  But yours will be much tougher, mentally & financially.

If I were you I would start stashing away as much CASH as possible before one of you files.  And I'm talking about hard cash, not traceable.  Find somewhere safe to keep it that she will never know, even if you have to bury it.  You may really need it sometime soon.  Try to accumulate as much as possible this way.

The good news is if you have accumulated alot of debt, that should be shared by the both of you.

Don't underestimate what a pissed off woman will do in divorce proceedings.

JunFan

... in response to Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by JunFan on Sep 30, 2003

Mike,
Thanks for the imput.I am working on it.As I said,I thought you did the right thing because I thought it was what I should have been doing but didn't do.

Pete

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Wishing you the best outcome under the circumstances.

- Jeff

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete,
I wish you the best, emotions are quite difficult to contain when you have been lied to and ignored. Hang in there, I know you will meet someone deserving and most importantly follow your own advice that you gave to the youngster sometime ago.
Here is a situation that I'd like to get input on. This situation is kind of unique. What do you think?

My friend married a Dominican girl a year ago.  He is now miserable and wants to get out of the marriage.  He told her she needs to go.  She told him no.  She's not going to leave.  He tried bribery.  No go.  Tried threats.  No go.  He lives in california and touching her is out of the question.  Any ideas on how he can get this woman out of his house.

... in response to Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by JSlo on Sep 30, 2003

First contact a good divorce lawyer to make sure what he does is correct.  Once he files, he should be able to get a restraining order and then have her served and she would have to move out.

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete

Thanks for these gut-wrenching updates.  I hope you stick to your plans.  I think you're making the right decision for 2 reasons:

1 - No sex in 3 months.  Why be married if there's no affection?  The only reason I can think of is if she's paying the bills, and we know that's not the case.

2 - She admitted to the counselor she has no feelings for you.  Enough said.

Protect yourself financially the best you can.  Protect yourself physically, even if you think there's no need.  You never know.  The three Colombanos in my house all seem to think that violence is a justifiable alternative when they get angry.  Makes me look at the interminable Colombian war in a different light.

These foreign bride marriages are far less idyllic than we would hope for in most cases.  My wife has met a number of them since she's been here.  I know three of them by sight.  In each case the woman (2 Colombians, 1 Mexican) is unhappy with her husband and 2 of them, I know, are seeing other men.  And my ex-Colombiana claimed she never met a foreign bride here who wanted to be with her husband (including her).

Pete, it's not your fault.  Sometimes they just aren't honest with us.  If you really want someone to love you, you can find one in Latin America, but you have to chose very carefully.  Usually the "hot" ones aren't with us because they want us.  But there are a lot of "warm" ones that can make a good partner.

Steve

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete, Sorry to hear about the way things are heading but all I can tell you is SLOW DOWN!

I've been there, as I'm sure many others have too. You feel like your head is spinning and you don't see any other alternative than to just run away.

But before you do you need to slow the spinning down. Get a firm grip on things. Take stock of everything, good and bad. I'm not even talking about your marriage, which appears to be over.

I'm talking about where you go from here. Look at things without all the drama. Approach your situation as an outsider would. Get it down on paper if it will help. Make an evaluation of your assets and what your are likely to sacrifice in a divorce. Most things are just STUFF. Don't turn every little thing into a battle.

Just remember to keep calm and rational. Someone has to in a situation like this. You will NEVER win an arguemnt or screaming match with a Latin Woman. You're only position will be to remain calm and in control as she goes out of control. You are the man but you can't overpower her.

There is little chance of reasoning with her especially if she's yelling at you. You must learn to just walk away. Once she's calmed down maybe you can have a conversation. Until you can both talk rationally there will be nothing positive said or gained.

It's not a pleasant experience but it looks like you will be better in the long run. Life is too short to be miserable. You will survive.

Just hang in there and don't give up on yourself.

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

maybe you were wrong in this instance, but the important thing is that
things came to a head-any drastic change in a relationship needs a pivot
point and it sounds like you just got yours. You didn't really want to
waste another 6 months, or more, only to end up like this eventually, did
you? Part as amicably as possible and move on. The one you'll end up
with is down there somewhere by herself right now. Good luck
Anzo

... in response to Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by anzo on Sep 30, 2003

You are right anzo, I told Pete the same thing, there is for sure a beautiful loving woman that is capable and ready to give him the love that he desires and needs, and she only requires a good man to give it to.

Pete, now that the cards are on the table, turn off the lights and close the door, sooner rather than later, you will get no more now from your soon to be ex-wife than you have gotten in the past few months. Let it be as civil and as soon as possible, life is just too short to waste on people that are not headed in your direction, including family members.

You're a good man Pete, you and your wife both deserve to be happy, make it happen for your own well being and peace of mind!

PS. I just got back from Phoenix, I will get you more info on Panama and we can pick up where we left off.

moam

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete,

 I am so, so sorry to hear all that. Here was I feeling excited about my first 2 customers and coming to check the board - and then I read your very moving account. Kind of puts everything into perspective. I am so sorry that it hasn't worked out for you - and no matter how much you may have been in denial, once someone says they have no feelings for you there's really not much to say after that.

 You seem to have put 110% into your marriage and just by doing that you you are really opening yourself to experience tremendous highs and tremendous lows - but you are treading where many men never tread because they can't commit themselves fully. I know that as I have struggled with it in the past - it's a part of my makeup that I acknowledge and try to change.

 Considering how she is treating you, you are behaving very well. When we men feel despair which of us haven't drunk ourselves to oblivion on occasion? I certainly have.
It's not helpful but it's entirely understandable. As is the shouting by the way. No shouting = no passion. If she stopped to reflect on why you were shouting she may realise how much you cared for her and loved her.

 You are doing well to cast your eyes to the future now.
Because in the future we can find hope. Without hope we are lost.

 I hope the coming days you receive a lot of support from your friends.

Steve

... in response to Re: Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by QuitoMan on Sep 30, 2003

Steve,
Even though this has not turned out well for me I still believe its possible.I have a number of friends who are doing very well.Its the best alternative I know of and I have always said if my marriage ended I would be right back down there,which I will be.For me a woman has to be attractive or why bother.
One thing I said when Jun Fan split with his wife was its smart to do it quicker rather than later if it isn't working.I was thinking thats what I should have done.But unlike him I'm not down on the process.But he is a young guy,he can do OK here.Not me.Not now.No way.
So yes,its very possible to screw up.But its not inevitable.
The main thing is get to know them and be sure they love you.Hell I still don't know my wife and I've been with her almost 4 years.She is a mystery.I get no imformation.I have to try and figure it out.But now obvious,so it doesn't matter.

Pete

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Sometimes I comfort myself by saying " Well, I can still wait til I am 55. look at Pete" I am 49 and had hoped to get to SA sooner than this.
Pete,just cash in your chips and go buy an agency so us stragglers have a place to go. Maybe Jim C needs a partner?

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Pete, I feel really awkward giving you advice since I sort of regard you as the Dean of this Board.  Nevertheless, the issue as to whether your wife has a boyfriend at this point is immaterial.  The woman has lied to you and has admitted that she has no feelings for you.  You know what you have to do.  Go see an attorney (female) pronto who specializes in family law.  There may be some things you can do to preserve your assets.  Look into the possibility of an annullment based on fraud.  You do not deserve this.  E-mail me with your number if you want to talk at burbuja2@cox.net.

... in response to Maybe I was terribly wrong, posted by Pete E on Sep 30, 2003

Yeah Pete, I think it's time to bail.  I think your plan on moving south is good as it will give you time to get to know someone new and will definitely give you a change of scenery which will be a big help right now.