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Title: FDA Warning Post by: Bear on September 11, 2003, 04:00:00 AM Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Humorous Warning Labels Now Required by law Post by: outwest77 on September 12, 2003, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to FDA Warning, posted by Bear on Sep 11, 2003
WARNING LABELS ON PRODUCTS Due to lawsuits the following warnings are now required: - On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" -On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. -On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as a substitute for human companionship. -On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. -On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. -On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. -On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. -On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. -On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. -On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. -On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. -On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. -On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97. -On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. -On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. -On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. -On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. -On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. -On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. -On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. -On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. -On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. SOME OF THE FOLLOWING MAY BE REPEATS.....THEY ARE NEW ENTRIES I JUST RECEIVED.....NO TIME TO CHECK !! In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: *On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. * On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. * On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. * Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. * On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. * On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) * On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. * On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body. * On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. * On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness. * On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. * On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. * On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. * On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. * On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. * On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. Title: Re: FDA Warning Post by: nealt on September 11, 2003, 04:00:00 AM |