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How to interact with Filipino men- father, brothers, uncles, cousins.

Any advice from the initiated? Pitfalls for the unwary?

But, of course, I will be a perfect gentleman to the ladies (of the family!) and great with the kids. :-)

Thanks in advance.

... in response to Something that doesn't often come up ..., posted by HaroldC on Aug 14, 2003

My wife says drink bear with them.  As for me I went down that route, started feeling comfortable, and wham, I got put on the spot.  What are your intentions for my niece.  Next thing I know I got about her father, and about 20 uncles and cousins asking me very pointed questions.  

Other than that, I aggree, just drink beer.  Their is always one or two that like to talk alot.  Sometimes, their'll be one who likes to talk about the US.  Most like the US.  We did some good stuff for their country when they were a territory.  Bone up on Filipino history.

Oh ya and as a last resort, drink beer and eat Balut with them.

Dan and Mares

... in response to Re: Something that doesn't often come up..., posted by DanAndChed on Aug 16, 2003

Dan,

I completely forgot about the Balut oiiiiii  LOL  Early in our relationship Gerlie admitted that she would not eat Balut.  I told her that if that's what I had to do to prove my love for her, I would.  Luckily, she was satisfied with the fact that I would :P  She gave me a pass on the Balut hehehehehehehehehe

A couple of friends did check to see what I was made of with some GinPo.  It was harmless enough ;)  They were very nice and we had a great conversation.  Then again I have an unfair advantage.  My weapon of choice is Jack Daniels ;)  Gerlie had me buy some at the market they got a sample of my Weapon of Mass Destruction :P  The reaction was the same.  They would take a sip--and I mixed it weak :P--and look at me like "Are you kidding???", smile and lift their glass in my direction with a nod and a  "Berry Good..."  LOL  I think I scared everyone :P  LOL

Keep the Faith

H

... in response to Leave it to you two :P, posted by Howard on Aug 17, 2003

My foolish days of drinking Jack with beer chasers are long gone.  I'm more into making my own beer and drinking good wine.  

I took a bottle of very nice wine last time, only to have an Uncle insult me about it being a womans drink.  I think he wanted me to buy him some wiskey.  

Dan and Mares

... in response to Re: Something that doesn't often come up..., posted by DanAndChed on Aug 16, 2003

Balut? I think I'll ask for another, explaining that I am an old man and need it for my knees.

I'm eager for the interrogation- my intentions are honorable, my conscience is clear and I don't rattle easily. (And momma always thought I should be a lawyer- which I believe you are sir.)

As for the beer, see my response to Ray.

Cheers, you two.

... in response to Re: Something that doesn't often come up..., posted by DanAndChed on Aug 16, 2003

Good advice Dan. I forgot to tell him about the balut. When they pull "the balut initiation" on you, it's better to just go ahead and eat one. It will make you one of the guys.

This is a good example of where that little bottle of Tabasco in your pocket will really come in handy. Quickly peel it without comment, douse it in Tabasco (optional), and down it fast. When they offer you another, just say something like "Oh, no thank you, I'm on low cholesterol diet" and bow out. This would be a good time to excuse yourself to pay the water bill so you can go in the CR and puke your guts up.

Great fun, these Filipinos...

Ray

... in response to Eat just one..., posted by Ray on Aug 16, 2003

Just start crunching away at the bones?

- Jeff

... in response to Eat just one..., posted by Ray on Aug 16, 2003

From what I heard about balut maybe you should throw a habanero pepper in your mouth at the same time. The pepper should numb your whole mouth and taste buds at the same time. Also you could give some to the men and when they all run for the water hole you can spit out the balut. Then they won't make you experiment with food anymore worried you will put out some other punishing food.

... in response to Eat just one..., posted by Ray on Aug 16, 2003

I'm still trying to get up the courage to eat it.  After I saw how americans react to half incubated duck embrio on Fear Factor, I have my doubts, whether I can get drunk enough to eat it.

But I know from living in other foriegn countries that if you eat whatever they through at you, you quickly are treated like a native.

Dan and Mares

... in response to Something that doesn't often come up ..., posted by HaroldC on Aug 14, 2003

As a foreigner and a newcomer, the men won’t expect you to know a lot about the local customs and etiquette, so you will be able to get away with quite a bit at first. Be humble, but don’t be a wimp either. Ask a lot of questions and show a genuine interest in their country and customs. Try to learn a few simple Tagalog (or Bisayan) phrases like standard greetings and such,  before you go.

One right of passage that may be a slight problem is drinking. Humabdos was on the right track. Most Filipinos, especially Visayan men, like to drink socially and some of the guys may try to get you drunk to see what you’re made of. If you turn them down, it just may take you a lot longer to get accepted, so be careful. If you really don’t want to drink, talk to your girl about it ahead of time and listen to her advice. She can be a big help here. They may want your opinion on which beer tastes better, Budweiser or San Miguel. The correct answer is San Miguel (LOL). If a few guys get you aside and break out a gallon jug of liquid and a cup, you’re in for a tuba drinking fest (not the musical kind). Tuba tastes pretty good but can really kick your arse. If they hand you a cup-full, down it fast, saving a little tiny bit in the cup, then dump it out on the ground and say something like AHHHHHHHHH! That was GOOD!!! If you don’t want any more, you can fake passing out on the floor and they will let you alone after having a good laugh at your expense. It’s all in fun and they will respect you for at least trying anyway. They will probably feel more comfortable about letting you take their sister/daughter/niece away to marry her if you’re obviously not an accomplished drinker. If you don’t mind having a few with the boys, then they will really get to like you fast if you bring along a bottle of Tanduay when you go on one of the family picnics at the beach. Try to find a bottle of Tanduay black label (12-year old) or if not the Gold Seal (5-year old) will do.

When you are with the women folk, you will do a lot of shopping and TV watching. The men like to talk about politics (both U.S. and Philippines) and world affairs so be careful what you say after a few drinks. It’s better to play totally ignorant about Philippine politics but sound interested and ask a few questions to show your interest. In other words, mostly listen instead of talk too much! If you are invited to a cockfight, go along and take some pics, even if you hate the sight of blood. Mostly, just be humble and polite but also show that you are a man and can defend and protect your girl if you should marry her. Asking them if they want to arm wrestle is a good way to have a little fun of your own.

Assuming that she comes from a traditional family, it is appropriate to ask permission to marry from her father and also her oldest brother if she has one. Depending on the family, it may or may not be required to include mom in the discussion, so ask your girl about this and follow her lead. I asked her big brother first, then her father a few days later when we met. She said asking her mom wasn’t so important because dad made all of the decisions (LOL). Once you get the big brother (or sister) on your side, the meeting with dad is much easier because you’ll have a trusted member of the family to vouch for you. If you are really serious about this girl, then I would recommend writing a nice letter (snail mail) of introduction to her parents and a brother and/or sister ahead of time, telling about yourself and send some pics. That will score big points and make you seem more real instead of the big mysterious foreigner coming to town. Keep it simple and don’t talk about your income or possessions.

Good pasalubong (gifts) for the men are ball caps or T-shirts with your city’s name or basketball team logo. Also, beef jerky (spicy hot) is good. And don’t forget a half-dozen small bottles of Tabasco sauce!

Ray

... in response to Good questions Harold..., posted by Ray on Aug 15, 2003

Hmmmm. Great stuff as always, Ray, but there's that ubiquitous equivalence between being a good old boy always eager for chug-a-luggin' the tuba and being a man who will defend and protect a girl. My old man was a 135# (Filipino size!) war hero who could drink three guys twice as big under the table or take them out before they knew what hit them- but I have watched him backhand my mother, too.

I say the first requirement for defending a woman is to be there sober when she needs defending.

Imelda has made it clear that the potential of physical abuse is a major concern both to her and to the males in her family. She asked explicitly what about if I came home drunk from a party. Easy- I won't be drunk.

Rooster guts bother me not (vicious little descendants of T. rex) and I enjoy taking a shot or a beer to be sociable (or swallowing something repulsive, with Tabasco)- but I will make clear from the git-go that's my limit. I welcome the opportunity to demonstrate I am man enough to cheerily deflect peer-pressure toward debauchery. Maybe I'll buy and let them get stupid so I can ask pointed questions about why Imelda and so many of her chums are in their 30's and no Filipino has yet stepped up for such undeniably fine women. I'd really like to know. (That'd be defending women, wouldn't it? :-) )

And, oh yeah, they are Cebuano. I don't think Dad or the brothers drink, but the uncles do.

Politics interests me. (And, hey, I'm tactful enough to debate fuzzy-headed liberals without knotting their knickers, so not demeaning the Philippines should be easy.) When Imelda brought up the soldiers who 'revolted' in Manila recently I said something about them listening to someone they shouldn't, but her take was that it's mighty suspicious the rat-bastards they're chasing always get away and never seem to run out of ammo. She's also kind of provacatively asked me just what's so great about America, anyway.

Thanks, guy.

... in response to Something that doesn't often come up ..., posted by HaroldC on Aug 14, 2003

First get a flat or two of Rum then when everyone is drunk a good old card game will really help you get to know them well. Pit falls? can't think of any.
Hum

... in response to Interactions, posted by Humabdos on Aug 14, 2003

nt

... in response to Something that doesn't often come up ..., posted by HaroldC on Aug 14, 2003

I dunno about the PI, but in Japan, the concept of 'gambatte' (doing your best) is important to convey to family, as in, "I'll try my hardest to make sure your daughter has a happy life." There, the question of guaranteeing your fiance's future is one often asked. It's a worthwhile philosophy, too, asking yourself if you are trying your hardest at any task.

- Jeff

... in response to Re: Something that doesn't often come up..., posted by Jeff S on Aug 14, 2003

My assertions that her happiness will be paramount is certainly what delights HER the most. (I get the feeling that's unusual or unexpected somehow.)

... in response to Something that doesn't often come up ..., posted by HaroldC on Aug 14, 2003

Harold,

Just be yourself :)  The men are just as interested in asking you questions as the ladies are, but the elders-Tatay, Lolo and selected Uncles--will be a little more reserved.  In my experience, they are all about business :P  The business?  Making sure their daughter/grandaughter/niece is getting an honest, loyal, compassionate man for her fiancee/husband.

Gerlie's father is a very respectable guy and it is more than obvious that he loves his family very much.  We talked about everything.  He had concerns, which I must have addressed to his satisfaction because he gave us his blessing :P, but he also wanted to share things about Gerlie and her family history.  I really enjoyed talking to him.  Nice guy!  Lolo was a riot!  He is a very pleasent gentleman which everyone looks up to and respects.  The kids just LOVE him and he was wonderful with everyone.  It worked out well for me because Gerlie's family is not unlike my own in many respects.  Mostly because they are "buang" :P  LOL

I just carried myself in a polite, respectful manner--my mother would have been proud :P--and had the time of my life :)

You seem like an interesting guy, just be yourself :)

Keep the Faith!

H

... in response to Re: Something that doesn't often come up..., posted by Howard on Aug 14, 2003

I returned to P-L recently, remembering you and A. as a love story for the ages, and WHAM!

All I can say about that is platitude- Alls well that ends well, and whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I envy your indomitable spirit.

My honesty, loyalty and compassion might be difficult to PROVE in a couple of weeks- but here goes. :)

And my Quaker grandmother taught me polite and respectful manners second to none when I was knee-high. I am something of an anachronism in that regard- I still have to control the urge to stand when a lady enters the room!

All my best to you and Gerlie- she sounds like an angel- one of those no-nonsense Filipina ones like I'm gonna get. :)

... in response to Re: Something that doesn't often come up..., posted by Howard on Aug 14, 2003

H, It's been a while since I saw anything from you, how about one of your famous stories?

... in response to Something that doesn't often come up ..., posted by HaroldC on Aug 14, 2003

...you would like to be treated by your daughter's suitors (if you have any but I'm sure you know what I mean).

AND, if the men are drinking outside a store and invited you to have a glass, obliged if you can.  If not, tell them the truth and let them know that you enjoy their company.

Go with your instinct and respect for others goes a long, long way.

... in response to Just treat them like....., posted by Carr on Aug 14, 2003

but, frankly, I think I would be going for the bolo at the very idea. :)

Social drinking I will need to discuss more with her- I have told her I do not drink, which is true, but not because of anyserious conviction. She knows my old man had a problem with it and seems to disapprove of her uncles for it- and it ties into her expressed concern about physical abuse. I think demonstrating that I can have a little and leave it alone might be useful.

... in response to Hmmm. That's a perspective outside my ke..., posted by HaroldC on Aug 15, 2003

Harold,
I also don't drink at all and it took a while for people there in the Philippines to believe it. If drinking were a requirement to be accepted into a family, then they just might as well forget about me because I would be moving on to the next train coming down the track. :) I feel that strongly about it. That's just me and it is something I won't compromise on.
I think you are on the right track with just telling your girl friend about this up front so it doesn't come across as a personal rejection if a situation arises and you are expected to drink with the men of the family.  Respect is the way to win people of any culture.  :)   As for my own experience with the men folk of the family.  Melly's father had passed on before we met and she herself was sort of the leader of the family, so there was no dominant male family member I had to win over. I was also engaged earlier to another Filipina whose father had also passed away when she was just an infant, so I have had no experience with fathers etc. personally. Anyway, the best advice I can offer is don't try too hard to impress - just be yourself.
Steve