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Talk to a lawyer, get married here. Tell her about finances that you and your lawyer decide she should know about and then sign a pre nup. I think your lawyer will tell you to pony up the bucks for her to take this document to another layer of her choice. Pre nups are not bullet proof but it is a good wall of defense if entered into openly and in good faith. If you marry her there how are you going to put a pre nup together or protect yourself in any way. Your assetts MIGHT be safe in this trust you speak of if she and her lawyer never knows it exists. Add a kid to the mix and she owns your butt.

Ray

Would you let a proctologist operate on your bad hip??? His area of expertise may be close to your hip, but not close enough for me! ROFL

Ray

That's a great way to slow down your petition process. Let an immigration attorney handle it for you (LOL).

You really don't need an immigration attorney Peter. After 20 years in the military, you should be pretty good at filling out government forms by now :-)

Ray

A lot of men start talking about how they're going to get a pre-nup and many seem to be quite ignorant of what a pre-nup can and cannot do.  It's going to vary by state, so check with a family law lawyer in your area.

I have an appointment with an attorney for June

I also have entertained myself and gotten some idea of the big picture by checking floridadivorce.com.  They have a .com for each State.

A prenap it seems would not be that benafical for me but I won't be sure till after the appointment in June.

Marriage is always a gamble, but some marriages have the odds stacked against them before they ever begin. Though I tend to agree with Howard on general principle, I would make an exception in your case. In my opinion, you should definitely sit down with a family law attorney and find out what your options are. I would start hiding and/or protecting your assets now, before you marry. Bob S gave some excellent advice for California, but I don’t know how well it would work in FL.

Peter, I may be wrong, but from your posts I have concluded some time ago that you really do expect your marriage to fail, or at least you realize that the odds are so far against you that you would be very surprised if it succeeded in lasting beyond 2 or 3 years. My take is that you are a smart guy and realize that you are getting old and are worried about living your final years as lonely old man. I think you have decided that you are willing to take a huge chance on this marriage, knowing that it has only a slight chance of success, because you don’t want to pass up the opportunity to at least share a few years of bliss with a good-looking young girl that very well may be after nothing more than a green card. It comes out time and again in your posts, as further evidenced by this last one on the topic of pre-nups and your fears of having your wife throw you out of your home so her boyfriend could move in.

Actually, considering your position, I don’t really blame you for making the decision to marry her, but I would expect that she is also savvy enough to have a back-up plan in case she gets here finds out that you are an abusive dork or something. Hopefully, she is willing to give the marriage a chance and at least give you the benefit of the doubt that you guys just may be able to live happily ever after. If you are both committed enough to really work at it, then maybe it will work out. I hope so.

Good luck!

Ray

Like I said, it comes out time and again in your posts. You’re scared to death of this marriage, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s obvious that you are not anywhere ready to make the commitment.

So you really don’t think she knows what a green card is? ROTGDFLMMFAOTAHAIPCNTPINGDP! Sorry Peter, I lost control there for a second! For your own sake, you better START believing that perhaps she knows a lot more than you think she does.

You say that there is no need for a backup plan for her, yet at the same time you are scrambling to put a plan in place for yourself. Now I see that you are working on a possible plan to leave her over there for a couple of years, and visit once in a while, until you two are sure about each other? Isn’t that what a courtship period is all about? About being sure BEFORE you commit to marriage? I think under the circumstances, she would be wise to withhold any sex until you file the papers for her visa (LOL). She will always have some doubts Peter, and so will you. That’s only natural. I can’t think of anyone else on this forum that would marry in the Philippines and purposely delay the paperwork for the visa because he was scared of getting screwed by a divorce lawyer. I think that all the rest of us did everything possible to see that we could be together as soon as possible (It’s called love!).

Marriage is not all about YOU Peter! It’s about two people coming together as one, and don’t forget that. By ignoring her concerns, you are only being selfish. You cannot go on living your life as a bachelor with a little lady on the side for companionship. You better be ready to make some major life changes or you’re going to crash and burn for sure. Compromise, compromise, compromise!

Again, I think that you are no where near ready for marriage. Not to your fiancée or to anyone else for that matter. But I know that I am not going to talk you out of it once you have made up your mind, so I’ll do what I can to help you out with the procedure. And I sincerely wish you luck and happiness :-)

Ray

Ray, I want you to imagine a guy who has never been married in 60 years.  You bet I am scared to death.   If I am not ready for a commitment now should I wait another 10 years or so?   I am coming ready or not!  LOL.  I’m not trying to fool anyone including me.   Yes, I really believe she does not know what a green card is.  Ill bet she thinks you just come over here and work.  This is a girl who was brought up in the sticks of Mindanao who was never on the internet till I got her on it.   Her mail was so bad and her chats were so bad that I would never have pursued her if I did not know her personally.   It was like pulling teeth to get her to do the NSO birth certificate and the NBI was the same.  At first we were talking about me retiring in the PI together.  .  Her intention when we discussed it was not to work but to be a house wife like her mom.   That is fine with me, less paperwork.
We all know about her inflating her school tuition and that had me worried coz it was not a smart thing to do.   To me it was an act of not caring if she got found out or not.  She obviously after confronted and seeing that this could loose me forever made a big change in our relationship.   That was the turning point for her.  On our next chat with her I will pose the question and ask her what color that card is called that lets you work in the US?  And maybe her cousin who is about to be married could tell her.
Well if she knows more than I think she does there should be a way of finding out so we can end that part of our format once and for all.   Any ideas on how I could do that?   If you don’t come up with anything I will just ask her some basic questions and bait her to tell me if she knows.
Ok Ray I don’t want you to lose control even for a second so, I will presume that she knows more than she is telling me.   [What happened to the trust you talked about in previous post LOL]
It sounds like your in the trust but verify department too then? LOL
Ray, we are the only animal on the planet who can say “what if”.   You do it all the time.  What if she does this what if I do that is all I am doing.  Without “what if’s”  there is no plans or backup plans or anything.   You know there is more to it then just be good friends trust each other get married and live happy ever after with lots of kids.   I am doing what I feel all of us should and that is verify, check and have some back up plans.  If she doesn’t have any back up plans and things go wrong I would do the right thing and make sure she gets back home with the least problems if that is what she wants.  I only mentioned leaving her there longer coz one of the benefits of the fiancée visa was you had 90 more days to make up your mind.  A guy has the option to marry in the PI delay her coming over only if there is still doubt.   I have not planned on doing it but the possibility is there.  Courtship is different than marriage as you know and things could come up that was not evident in a short less than a year courtship.  
About her withholding any sex until papers are filed?  Well I never came over to the PI for sex to begin with.   Plenty of that back home LOL.   Your kidding around with this anyway and we are having a bit of fun but if that is what it would take I would have no problem with that, I usually don’t think about sex when I am in hard training so I am used to it.  If it was important to her it would be no problem with me.
We don’t know how many members wished they would have kept there spouse in the PI longer if they knew they had the option.  All I know is the American Consulate was full of women married to Americans who are stranded there.  They all asked about the same questions, can I initiate the paperwork without my husband?  Can I make him initiate the paperwork to get me to the US?  Lots of sad stories
I think that all the rest of us did everything possible to see that we could be together as soon as possible (its called love!).   Well I plan on doing the same but I have not started the paperwork on her yet.   I could have started a fiancée visa months ago but it was too soon in the relationship.   So timing is everything, I have delayed since Jan 03.  I don’t see any difference in delaying if there is doubt when married.  That is called tough love LOL.   I don’t expect any problems and things should go smooth and thanks for wishing us luck.
Well Ray your right and I don’t intend to ignore her concerns and it will be a major life change.  That is why I am so scared and nervous coz I know it will be for keeps.   I know about compromise, I have women instructors working for me.  The best way to get along with them is to do what ever they say!  LOL
Ray the one way you would be convinced of my relationship with this girl is if we got married and made it.   I hope you are wrong about our chances, but you are the best devil’s advocate on the board.
Say Ray!  Nothing like being stabbed in the chest and at the same time wished I would get a good doctor to fix it LOL
Till next time

I better cut you some slack before you whoop my ass with some of that kung foohey stuff! :-)

Ray

I should have posted my reply to the topic, not as a reply to a reply.

Sowwie :P

I'm not an attorney, though, and if you're concerned about these things, DO speak to a good family law attorney IN YOUR STATE! Laws vary greatly as do personal financial situations, assets, prior children etc etc etc. and you should seek competent advise beforehand. Just don't expect to be able to pre-arrange that should the situation go south, she gets her clothes and a one way ticket home only. She'll be protected by the laws of your state just as if she were a citizen and no amount of clever verbage on a piece of paper can (nor should) take away those rights.

- Jeff

Remember that women coming from these 2nd and 3rd World countries have little or no concept (generally speaking) of real money and worth.  Money available for spending is to be spent ASAP.  So do not put her on your main bank account.  But you do need to show some legal connection for INS purposes.  So get a second joint account for her to use and manage.

Of course put her on your medical insurance, but do not put her down as the benficiary of any life insurance (again until she has reached that sizable level of trust).  The beneficiary should be a family member you trust to take care of her as long as your untimely death wasn't the result of accidentally cutting your own throat with a machete while shaving in your sleep (if you catch my drift).

None of this requires any pre-nup for anyone to sign.

Though I didn't have a lot of assets built up myself, this pre-disaster planning saved me a lot of grief when I finally told my deceitful little ex-RW to not let the door hit her in the butt on the way out.

My mom wants to give me one of  her houses next year.  If i am already married will that gift go in as part of the marritial assets?

What is a better way for my mom to give me this property so it is not considered as marrial assets?

I know that you guys are not attorneys, and any advice would be used to ask questions about too my attorney in June

But if the child title's it in joint name, the it's community property.

Stephen

The other wife left her husband after 18 months of marriage because she told my wife she was being sexually abused.  She also thought that she had her permanent green card but she was wrong.  She had her husband to take her to Cebu for a vacation and sent her family air fare from her home town to Cebu to meet them.  She send her husband back to the US immediate because she wanted time to think about their marriage.  Well, she  stayed 9 months in Mindanau, partying at Dan Michaels every night they were open with many "tales" being told her about her activities.  At the last moment she moved back to the US to Kansas and asked for a divorce.  Her husband owns a series of restaurants and is quite wealthy but one the nicest people you would ever want to meet.  He is still broken hearted but those who have read some my past post know how I would advise him.  He works 7 days a week but she refused to get pregnant because she wanted to wait until they were "ready".

Well, this same young lady met a young man in Walmart, the made in America Store, shortly after she returned to the US to file for divorce.  She immediately started to live with him while she was still married.  Got alimony and a car in the divorce settlement.  Immediately became pregnant while she was living with him and still not married.  Well, she called my wife on many occasions to tell my wife what a wonderful lover she now has and what kinky things they were doing.  My wife asked her about the previous husband who she said was doing the same kinky things, well, she said  those were her fantasies and that she was not really sexually abused at all and she was just lying when she told my wife those terrible things her first husband was doing to her.  She has told my wife to trade "me" for a young model because old men were not good lovers.

The first husband is still stupidly sending the family money with the hope of winning back his "wife" and they are still soaking him.  The second husband does not work, has custody of two children from a previous marriage to a "drug addict" which the Filipina now  has to take care of.  While my wife was talking to her on the phone one night, he told her to get off the phone "now" and give the two girls a bath "immediately."  She humbly got the phone immediately without hesitation.  The second husband does not send her family any money becasue he does not have any but would not send them any if he had money.  It is amazing to me how she respects her "new husband" who is her "dream man."  

She still talks with her first husband on the side so that the money will still be sent to her family and he still sent graduation presents to her siblings.

The purpose of the post is to confirm that you can never be too certain of a relationship, even when you are certain.  Both of these two men are wonderful husbands who are or have been exploited by devious Filipinas that have or had their "man completely fooled".  Neither Filipina has a conscious about their treatment of these two wonderful people.

Cheers

Alvin                                                      

It is not the age difference.  The Filipina had a rich American to pay for her college expenses and give the family money.  After she  graduated, she quit him immediately and married her first American husband.  

Cheers
Alvin

PS..darn right, the day I got my direct depost (paycheck), I wired them the money.

One thing you definitely need to do is talk to a family law attorney in your area.  I talked with three myself before I even got serious with anyone.

As others have already stated, whatever you bring to the marriage, is yours if you should leave.  Your wife's entitled to 50% of any assets--including equity on your house--accrued during the marriage, but also responsible for 50% of any debt incured during that same period of time.  In my case, do to the cost of the wedding, bringing her here, taking care of her initial needs, etc... we were about even in a two year period.  In fact, I was awarded $2500.00 (Which she never paid and I never pursued the payment of)in the settlement because of medical bills I paid on her family's behalf that she had a greed to reimburse.

If something is gonna happen, you usually see it coming far in advance.  Sometimes even before the marriage.  It has been my expirience that if anything is gonna happen, it seems to in the first couple of years.  Given the situation, you don't really gain a lot during the first few years of marriage, because of the expense involved and the small amount financially that your spouse/fiancee brings to the table. At least not if you are a typical middle class type.  Or so it would seem :)

Now... Personally, I would never, ever, enter into a marriage where I felt compelled to consider it's demise and my battle plan, in the event that it does, before it has even begun.  If I had those feelings, I would look until I found someone that didn't make me feel that way and then marry her.  In my opinion, planning an escape route undermines the committment to making evrything work no matter how difficult.  

Many of us have been burned and that's why we're here. We are looking for something better.  Some of us have been burned even after taking these drastic measures.  Some of us could have avoided our misfortunes with a little common sense and some of could not not matter how wise we were.  

That being said, preparing a Golden Parachute is defeating the purpose, in my opinion, of going to the lengths we are willing to, to meet someone with whom we don't have to worry about the things that make marriage to another American unattractive.

Marriage is about trust, friendship, respect and ultimately, love.  I feel if I concentrate on those aspects, a Golden Parachute won't be necessary :)

For the Record, I was 14 yrs older than my wife and the Generation Gap was just too large for me to bridge. I am by no means "un-hip", but I never anticipated being marrried to a member of the MTV generation, which she quickly became.  The lure of Pop Culture is great on the very young, that is what many foreigners deem "American".  Just thought I would share that.

You picked a good topic for discussion :)  Keep it coming :)

Keep the Faith!

H

I do not think it is the generation gap that separates.  It is the motive of the Filipina that separates.  You had a bad experience that will only make your next relationship that much better and wonderful.  The reason for failure is failure to plan.  Not plan for divorce but plan to prevent those things that lead to divorce.

Good luck with your new (wive)life to be.

Cheers
alvin

Ray

Some American consider Filipina easy pickings because of their 3rd world poverty which gives the Filipina a great advantage.  When someone thinks lowly of your circumstances or interlect, it is easy for the arrogant American to be exploited.

There is a 20+ years age difference between me and my wife and I get happier every day that I am with my wife.  The beginning of the relationship was very rough to say the least becasue of an interfering cousin who wanted my wife to leave me, only for the reason of control and her own unhappy marriage.  It may be cultural for Filipina to try to creat unhappiness in other relationships so that they can identify with them.  Unhappiness loves company.  This was an older cousin who introduced us and the Filipino culture is to respect the opinion of the elder.

I leave home late and leave the office early each day to be with my wife and two beautiful daughers each day.  Not making the money I used to make but a lot happier. I used to work 36 hour days and lived in two houses in the same city just to avoid going  home and was money rich but emotionally poor.  I know this is off the subject but I never follow the rules.

Cheers
Alvin1

Is that you?

If so, I'm glad to hear from you again.  I had wondered about you several times and hoped you were doing okay.

Stephen

My wife is from Butuan and knows Marife, the wife of Dave.  Marife actually attended my birth party in Butuan
before her entrance to the US.  Marife is a very nice person with a quiet personality.  I still have picture of her and her family.

I think my wife "knows of" your wife's family.  I think your wife's family lives near the airport??

I plan to post pictures of my family when I hook up the scanner.

'Cheers
Alvin1

There seem to be a lot of Butuan City ladies on P-L. Congratulations on the growing family! We look forward to seeing your family pictures.

Dave H.

My daughter and son-in-law are both doctors.  They are moving to Charlotte, N.C., this July.  The daughter is an OBGYN.  Leigh-Beth is expecting a baby this fall.  So I'm sure we'll be visiting them in NC.

So perhaps our paths will cross if you live around Charlotte area.

Stephen & Tess