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So, that's the truth, folx. I'll give you more details when I get back opn monday.

I say patience!  But communicate and insist that you are given consideration.  Different cultures take a lot of talking to understand.  Doesn't sound like a marriage ending event but one that shows how much the differences are between the two of you.  I have personally seen several couples go down simply because they never communicated what they really wanted from they relationship and what was expected.  When the time came to fess-up the whole thing crashed and burned.  As it stands now you married him and are expected to submit.  I think discussing it with this family who hasn't been there since he left might help.  Telling someone how you feel and what you expect but that you want to be supportive is critical right now for your sake.

Good luck!!

Bear and Honey

I have'nt read alot of your comments , only a few.

Greg---it doesn't suprise me one bit that you have that kind of mentality.

I'll be gone again tomorrow all day and will respond when I get back
Remember---I'm on vacation---haha

The Vietnamese that I know are proud, don't like to be dependant on others and will repay another's support and kindness. My friend's wife's family (parents, brothers, sisters, spouses, children) came to the US as refugees and lived with him for a year. They got jobs as soon as possible and helped with expenses. My friend was a bit stressed, because the house was very crowded. Most people told him that he was a fool and just being used. He eventually helped them buy a house by co-signing on the loan. They paid the house off quickly and put the title in his name. Needless to say, he was a bit overwhelmed. Then they purchased and moved into a bigger house My friend rented the one they had given him for years and eventually sold it. *s* Enjoy your vacation. Hang in there!

Dave H.

I've been reading this thread with some amusement. The replies to you, and your replies back. You don't seem too concerned. You didn't even in the first post. Didn't read that way to me anyway.

I don't know a whole hell of alot about the Vietnamese, but I know a little. One thing I have observed is, the first order of buisness for Vietnamese arriving in the U.S. is that making a decent living is the first order of buisness for them. Family usually helps. I'm sure you know this. Seem's normal to me.

The only "red flag" I could see (if any) , is that the family doesn't talk to you. And IF they are avoiding you (are they?), that might indicate  a reluctance to speak to you so as not to have to lie to your face about what Thai may be up to. This is only a thought on why this is happening.. Not even suggesting anything is. As long as YOU trust the man.

Jay

Jay

What the heck do you know about my husband??? I posted this thread because I was pissed that my husband has to stay gone for a few weeks longer , and I had planned a trip for us that I could not change. It's called VENTING. I waited a long time to post this thread---because I knew this is the reaction I would get.

you people are funny.

Hum

Brilliant post Greg, just brilliant!

Ray

Jim

Do his heart is made up of stone that he did not even appreciate and see the love you bring to Him.---wow!!!!

I'm very sorry to hear what is happening.  If what we suspect is true, it is the lowest of the low that not one person, but a group of people could do to another human being.  Speaking from my heart, it's time to get the strength to rise above the shock and denial stage.  Protect yourself and get all of the support you can get.

I sincerely hope that you did not have a bank account or credit card account with Thai's name on it, or any of his extended family.  If you did, cancel them now for your own protection.  In their eyes, you're only good for one thing ---- relief from economic responsibilities to earn their own subsistance.  That means if they know they can borrow money without having to pay it back, and not have to suffer consequences for it, they will do it and the hell with the other party (you) who has to live with the consequences of their actions.  They already took you so far.  You've got legal strings attached having sponsored Thai to this country.  You gave your heart and soul to Thai.  You've really been through alot in life and were trying to make the best of having had a hard past and procure a good, happier future for yourself and your children. You thought you found a man to love and be loved by and gave yourself to him.  Indeed you made a tremendous sacrifice with all the INS hurdles just so you could make a life together.  And this is what happens?

What's worse is that your daughter probably doesn't even quite understand what's going on in regards to her school friend.  Her friend might not either (especially if she is really a true friend to your daughter.  Well, the parents and co. obviously were not your friends.  Where are they and what are they doing now?  If they were your friends would they not be concerned that you and Thai were apart (if it had to be for involuntary reasons)?

I must be realistic and it may not be what you'd like to hear.  But from what you told me, it seems like Thai has no intention of coming back.  Just giving you the runaround and making your life miserable.  I would not be surprised if he is flirting and more with other women while he's away.  Perhaps he's gay.  I say this because of his involvement in manicures.  Perhaps that's why he never married long ago in the first place.  It's just speculation, but obviously I think you'll be living in hell trying to make this your idealistic relationship that it's not.  As I've said, you might need a means to spy and investigate to find out what's going on, confirm your suspicions and then just get on with your life.

What's encouraging in your situation is that you're female and the prime perpetrator is male.  You'll have alot more social support on your behalf than if genders were reversed.  I'm sure Humabdos and Zebson can vouch for that.

Well, good luck.  I'll be praying for you.

- Kevin

... It's the phone calls once a week.  The Evil and dreaded Ex could go a month without callnig me, when she was away. In my situation now, I have a hard time believing, no matter what the agreement was that we made between us for practical reasons, that Gerlie would go a day without talking to me, especially in the first months of marriage.

Maybe I am just hyper-sensitive, but that really troubles me.

H

Notorious and Infamous would work too.

When she had to stay with her family after her Aunt's death, and I had to come home to make sure we earned enough money to keep our home, our phone bills were really amazing. We talked on the phone at least once a day, she emailed me several times a day, and we chatted on AOL so much I had sore fingers. I got even, though. On her birthday I sent her a present and then called her and when I heard she had people in the background, in the same room, I gave her a good old 1-900 phone call, letting her know in great and prurient detail ALL the ways I missed her. Straight out of the Karma Sutra. I could hear her blushing on the other end, ha-ha.

I can't speak for Vietnamese men, but there is not doubt in you mind whatsoever when a Filipina really loves you.

Don

Hope for the best...Prepare for the worst.

What "school" is he attending? Do you know? He most likely already knew how to do nails and is working. I am surprised that everytime this happens to someone here, it is attributed to cultural differences. Some things can, I know, but what you described here smacks of BS.

I'm very sorry to hear this news! Hang in there, but get to the bottom of it. I would pay his family a little visit. Maybe even send a "spy" (from Cali) to visit Thai.

Good Luck!

Dave H.

I was interested in maybe writing some Vietnamese women. I read a story of some wives in Vietnam who started to raise pigs to help their husbands and family. One woman spoke of how her husband had to work in a factory in the north for a month at a time and she would only see him for one weekend in that period of time. Maybe it is a culture thing that he is used to being away from family and maybe his own father did the same when he was younger. Lori you're a women and have those six sense instincts that we men don't have. How does he sound to you on the phone? Is he really happy to speak with you? It is kind of strange about the family ignoring you.

tito Matt

The Vietnamese have not had as much recent contact with Americans as Filipinos and western Chinese/Taiwanese have had and their culture is a little different to begin with. This could merely be what it is supposed to be, or it could be his family trying to keep him away from you so they can turn him, or it may be a plot in progress. No way to know right now. But I do believe perhaps you should get thee hence to California in the very near future if at all possible and look into his eyes and see what they say.

Just don't start the divorce papers yet. Tim has had more and better experience with mainland Asians (who are quite distinct from Filipinos) than almost anybody here, I think. Vietnamese are more like Chinese than they are like Filipinos. If he says caution but not panic I would tend to believe him. Is there anyone here with actual long-term experience with Vietnamese?

Don

You have been set up. Don't waste another day or dollar.
I'm really sorry to hear this. :-(  Humabdos

  Nathan

Your right. I talk to my Sweety every night if even just for a few mins.  
She should fry his balls in a wok and send him back to the rice patty.
The fact his inlaws have stopped talking to her is a BIG RED FLAG!   This reeks of Green card scam!  

Humabdos

Nathan

tito Matt

Once you accept the filthy lucre, you then legally become part of a green-card fraud conspiracy. Try overcoming a conspiracy charge in federal court sometime. Fed courts aren't the OJ trial. All the jury will see is an American woman in league with the evil foreigners. All her lawyer's protestations that she was duped go out the window when she shakes them down. I don't think Lori wants to let the state raise her children while she does time, or even if they go easy on her, long probation and heavy fines. Plus the family will then be able to claim that Lori was the one who married the young man and brought him over here, and shook them down for money by threatenig to send him back. "Oh, we tried to help the marriage work, we even sent him to California to learn a trade at our own expense..." blah, blah.

What she CAN do is teach her in-laws a lesson in economics, by suing the family for their conspiracy by tricking her into believing she was marrying for love when all along they were playing with her affections (if it turns out this is what is happening). They have a business, they can afford to send her husband to California for weeks at a time. They own homes and cars. They have assets a court can reach out and touch. Instead of being an evil co-conspirator, she is now a put-upon American woman who was an unwitting victim of evil foreigners who used her natural trust and love and Harriet Nelson/Donna Reed purity of purpose for their dark purposes. I ten seconds, every woman in the courtroom will be on her side.

She will be a hero for uncovering a green card scam and woman's groups will cannonize her, instead of looking like a greedy shaker-down of immigrants and a cold-hearted co-consprator.

We all know Lori is a sweet gal, but federal prosecutors are some cold-hearted SOB's. Especially after 09/11. And scheming in-laws can make lawyers look like angels.

Lori I do hope this is all a misunderstanding, but if it isn't, you need to be snowy-pure in thought and deed or else you may get caught up in it all. Don't go over to the dark side. That's what lawyers are for. They have no souls so it is easy for them.

Don

tito matt

Hum

Assuming our suspicions are true......

First, he conspired to commit fraud to get to the USA.

THEN...at a later time she would be conspiring to allow his fraud if he would reimburse her.

I agree that a jury would not convict her.  But we're talking about the US Government.  I don't trust them any more than I would trust the IRS.

Just my thoughts.

Stpehen

Well, that sux! I hope things work out for you.

Have you thought of using that week off to go to California?

Ray

I know when I was having my well documented nervous break down I used to get very upset when I would post here not get the answers I wanted.  The nay-sayers would irritate me to no end.  I was coming here for support and all I seemed to get was negativity.

Slowly, I began to realize that the people here were not only giving me advice that I needed to hear, but they were the ones who cared about me and wanted to see me succeed.  My mind wasn't right for most of my marital struggles, but everyone here helped me get my head together far more than anyone in my real world.

With that said, I am not starting a campaign to deport your husband, but I would like to offer you a few words of advice.  No matter what your heart may tell you, your head will know the truth long before. Things that you may not share with the group, that you just dimiss as the dreaded "Cultural Differences" may in fact be just what they seem.  Not saying that this is what you're expiriencing, this is from my personal expirience, but rudeness, lack of communication, lack of consideration, etc... are not cultural differences.  They are exactly what they seem to be.  

In my situation, I was told numerous times that I was over reacting and that everything was "fine" only to find out that my earliest fears were correct.  I sincerely hope and pray that this is not the case for you

I will keep you in my prayers and hope that everything works out for you and Thai!

Lean on us Lori... that's what we're here for :)

Keep the Faith

H

Best to you Lori.  I'm sorry.  I don't have any infallible advice to give you.  You hang in there.

Stephen & Tess

The "nails" business is fairly big in the larger cities. Here in Houston, the Vietnamese community has a virtual monopoly on these little salon shops throughout the area. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and hope Thai is learning the management skills for a shop, and will return to work at one in their hometown.

I also share concerns over the long time he's been gone, especially so early in the marriage, but what I know about Asian culture tells me all could be well and he is just sacrificing now for a better future. Asians bear this kind of thing better than we westerners do. Sometimes it's easy for us westerners to let our emotions fill our heads with all kinds of unpleasant possibilities, when the truth is really simple and benign.

In the meantime, Lori can still keep her eyes and ears open. I understand her concern, but I urge her not to jump to conclusions (it doesn't sound like she has done that - yet - at least from what I read in her post).

Regards, Tim