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From the KIEV POST
Welcome to the marriage agency
Mar 25, 2004 01:18

I don't know how it is possible for people to take international
marriage agencies seriously, to treat them as places where God and fate
bring hearts together. I see an international marriage agency as a
mirror that reflects the world order, in which there are "first world"
countries and "third world" ones. International marriage agencies also
exploit gender inequality. You can hardly find a better place to
understand the connection between gender and economy, and the myths that
surround them.

It is well known that the demand to go abroad is quite high in Ukraine,
and that there are businesses which take advantage of this demand.
However, international marriage agencies are probably the most morally
dubious of these businesses, as they are based not only on a widespread
desire to emigrate, prompted by Ukrainian poverty, but also on old
gender stereotypes and on a view of women as economic objects.

This is apparent from the fact that the agency only makes a profit from
its male, foreign clients, while Ukrainian women, who do not pay for the
service, are in effect a commodity, to be sold at a profit.

It's also apparent from the organization of the so-called "socials" at
which foreign clients and women meet. In the center of the hall there
are several dozen tables occupied by the clients (often gray-haired
gentlemen well advanced in years) and interpreters. Some two or three
hundred women prop up the walls; from time to time the bravest ones walk
around, trying to attract attention. If a client is interested in a
particular woman, his interpreter invites her to their table and they
get acquainted in a 15-minute conversation. And again and again. In the
evening, each man invites a woman to a restaurant, and after that... God
knows what they're doing afterwards, but it seems everyone is satisfied.

If a client is looking for a woman to spend the night with, he will
easily find one in a marriage agency. But the number of marriages
resulting from meetings at the socials is really quite low.

However, those few success stories inspire future participants.

The marriage agencies also owe their popularity to a number of myths,
myths based on hazy notions like the Slavic soul, fate, love at first
sight, and ideals of womanhood. It's worth examining these in order.

Myths for the clients

1) The Slavic woman

She is: a mysterious soul, an ideal mixture of childish innocence and
mature pragmatism. She is very beautiful and traditionally-bred. She
aspires to a housewife-like quiet life and knows how to make her husband
happy. She likes cooking and believes that a woman's primary role is
doing chores and caring for children. Unlike western feminists, she does
not undermine men's traditional roles. She does not expect her husband
to achieve great success and earn a lot of money, but accepts him the
way he is. She will adore life in a small house somewhere in the sticks
in America. She is poor and unprotected and is waiting for you, waiting
for safe and true love.

It should be admitted that these images are partially based on reality.
It's true that people are poor here, and there are a lot of cultural
differences.

However, these are not reflections of innate differences of soul or
character. Most of the girls at socials dream of going abroad. To
achieve this, they will behave and present themselves in the way that is
expected of them.

Even if marriage isn't on the cards, many women enjoy eating at
expensive restaurants at a foreigner's expense, and getting expensive
gifts.

There are a lot of stories about adventuresses who make their living at
marriage agency socials. I wouldn't blame them. They are striving for a
nice life and use everything they can to get it - their femininity and
the fantasies of western men.

2) There are no men in 'Russia.'

According to this myth, every foreigner in "Russia" (foreign fiances
ing careers. In every case, they dream about opportunities. The marriage
itself is not the end, but a way to emigrate to a wealthy country where
people are seen to be the masters of life.

Marriage is a tool, so it's no wonder that some foreign men (those more
sensitive by nature) feel as if they are goods on the market. And that's
fair. Because Ukrainian women (most of whom are very sensitive by
nature) have the same feeling.

It seems that most Ukrainians want to leave the country. Managing to
emigrate is considered a real success. Young women are encouraged to
marry foreigners, in order to get foreign citizenship and opportunities
in other countries. Stories circulate about girls who have married
elderly Americans, left them, successfully integrated into American
society, brought all their relatives to America, and finally married
young American guys with whom they are unbelievably happy.

The failure stories are not told, as people hardly believe them. Even
going abroad is considered an unambiguous success. So women who are
unhappy to be dependent on strangers in a strange country should keep
silent.

"After all, it was your free choice. Don't you see what is going on
here! Do you want to return? Well, you're a fool."

Indeed, people who do come back stay here for a month and find that they
suddenly don't want to stay any longer.

Myths for everyone

Unisex myths about love at first sight and fate say that it is possible
to find love in any situation, even during three-day socials where the
atmosphere and language barrier (to be crossed with the help of an
interpreter who often seems to be just another barrier) do not assist
deep spiritual contact.

These are the main myths which function at the marriage agencies and
socials. They adorn unpleasant realities of economic and gender
disparity. With all my heart, I wish such institutions disappeared from
the face of the earth. The fact that they exist offends my human
dignity.

But they will probably not vanish as long as the "first world" and the
"third world" exist. And maybe their existence is a lesser evil now, an
opportunity for our people to make their dreams come true. However,
these humanistic considerations cannot disguise the fact that it is
close to the sex tourism so keenly described by Michel Houellebecq in
Platform.

The sad reality is hidden under a number of romantic and not very
romantic myths, promoted and held onto by "Russian" fiancees, aging
foreign men, and the staffs of marriage agencies. Although the
phenomenon itself will hardly disappear in our divided world, we can at
least discuss the myths and stereotypes which surround it, so that
people on both sides of the counter know what to expect.

Kateryna Maksymenko, a journalist in Kyiv, has a degree in cultural and
gender studies.

... in response to MOB from viewpoint of one Kyiv woman, posted by Yorkman on Apr 8, 2004

n/t

... in response to MOB from viewpoint of one Kyiv woman, posted by Yorkman on Apr 8, 2004

LOL!!! Pretty funny post. Some truth. I noticed while over there many MEN were VERY sarcastic about such things & would ask me why I wanted to marry a Ukrainian.  Then women would complain about being a commodity. My wife laughed it all off. She did NOT plan on marrying a foreigner & found my ad by luck & liked certain things I wrote. The ad had NO pic. THen she wrote me. AFTER she wrote me she picked up ANOTHER magazine with my ad. This one had a pic. THen she realized it was the SAME person (me). She said she thought "not bad!". But she was in NO agency or planned this. Anyways NOW she has MANY of her friends sending pics to me in case I have a cousin, friend, distant relative etc who might be interested in a Ukrainian lady....so what happened? I remember after our wedding we were driving back to Radomyshl from Kiev were in a van. One guy (cousin or something) said sarcastically "how come the American doesn't have a cell phone? Can't he afford one?" To which My wifes best friend responded "he has a HOUSE of his own & a car who cares about a stupid cell phone?!" I didn't understand anything but my wife translated for her.
Just think about it the men feel bad because THEIR women are leaving them to marry foreigners & they are NOT supposed to feel threatened? As for women when I proposed to my wife in June she said by around August all her friends were asking "so when is your fiancee coming? Maybe he won't be?! He probably was just playing with you!" They put a LOT of pressure on her. So did relatives who were NOT immediate family. Now after we got married many don't say much. Can't wait till she lands on American soil.

... in response to MOB from viewpoint of one Kyiv woman, posted by Yorkman on Apr 8, 2004

This is a great post. Very infomrative

The Pharmacist