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We are asking them to come to our country on a Leap, you know there scared as ?ell, not knowing you 100%, only seen you a few times, and many letters. Maybe we should dicuss this, I think this will help all that have ladies that are coming here.

So the dicussion is open...

Tom

there are things you CAN help your lady, there are things which you can't - each person has to learn by himself/herself. Sometimes we just need a little push to show us a window of opportunity, sometimes we have to go through full-blown failure to learn a little thing.

I think in this case the best thing you can do is to be yourself - talk about your achievements and failures, dreams and desires so that at least she has a feeling she knows you. Describe her what options she has with moving to USA - for example, many ladies do it, but there is really no need to sell everything including the apartment in Russia/Ukraine, there is no point in "burning" the bridges. Of course, everybody's situation is different, but too many times ladies complain that they have no point of return, but that was their own choice as well and it is not necessary.

But, to be honest, I still think any marriage is a big lottery :) You can't predict everything, you can not design best fit answer, because later you don't know how life will turn. All you can do is have faith in yourself and hope for the best. There are things which you can learn about each other ONLY spending 3,5, 10 years together. There are lessons which you would have to go through in life no matter where you live and who you live with, which have nothing to do with your spouse, but too many people are eager to blame others for their own mistakes.

Talk to her about other things then driver's license and difference in food. Talk to her about family values, spirits, favourite books, what she wants to do with her life, who she wants to see around in ten years. What is faith for her? Does she have faith in herself? And also remember that as any woman - sometimes she just needs to vent and have somebody to listen to her and assure her, not like she would not have a courage to make a decision.

Sincerely,

Russian Wife

A RW is not a stereotypical woman – they are very individualistic, strong people. Each will have a different (to one degree or another) manner of approaching the vast change that is necessary in their relocation(s).

I suspect that the sheer magnitude of the change in their lives escapes a great many men (some of whom have never before this "escapade" ventured forth beyond the borders of their own country!).

To “visit” their country is very, very different than the adjustments they will face in coming to our country. For one thing, a “visit” is just that – there is a point in time that one will return to their country, and familiar surroundings/lifestyles and this tends to make the “differences” much easier to accept.

The knowledge that at some point one will be able to return to that which is ‘known’, in and of itself makes it difficult, if not impossible to truly understand what these women are facing. Most others often overlook the sheer permanence of the change, and the psychological impact this has.

And, even if she has a decent command of English, when faced with the myriad of accents and jargon she will encounter everyday, her confidence in her abilities is likely to quickly fade.

I suggest that her man must have the patience of a Saint, the wisdom of several Solomon’s, the understanding of a Guru, the self-control of a Yogi and the leadership of a Ghandi.

Del,
I loved your last line-"I suggest that her man must have the patience of a Saint, the wisdom of several Solomon’s, the understanding of a Guru, the self-control of a Yogi and the leadership of a Ghandi."  Many guys do not understand that the real hard work starts after their RW comes to America.  Before that, it is all romantic and exciting new experiences for both.  Not that the romance and excitement stops (if you choose correctly), but the "practical" side of the relationship now comes into play.
-
I know that most guys think it will be "fun" to open up America to their sweethearts and it is, to a point.  But there is also a flip side to this story.  To have a wife that is totally dependent upon you can be very taxing at times.  Some of the simple things we take for granted will become a time consuming bother i.e. changing a vacuum cleaner bag, balancing a checkbook, recording debit purchases, using a garbage disposal, use of our cleaning products, washing machines & dryers ect ect.  These simple tasks as well as being the ONLY person to lean on or confide in can be quite frustrating at times.  Think about all the people that she relied on in her previous life and YOU have to replace them all.
-
I will say that after 3 1/2 years here, Lena has made quite a transformation, now if I could only get her to record those debits!
KenC

There was one case of divorce on the Latin board where I think the primary difficulty was the man not being able to handle the load and the lady not making enough effort to become more independent (including learning English).

Something to think about.  Each lady is unique and some will adapt faster than others.

I have seen similar posts here and elsewhere about the AM trying to make a big issue about the problems related to teaching the RW about changing a vacuum cleaner bag, using washing machine, etc. Such portrayal appears almost like some AM feels that RW are retarded.  To be honest, I find it hard to believe because I think any RW who makes it to US is hand picked and even though they might have deficiencies in English skills, they are reasonably intelligent . The above mentioned tasks takes few minutes to explain; some even self explanatory since these equipments are getting so user friendly. I can only speak about my experience which is different. My wife didn’t have any trouble getting adjusted here.

I remember, incase of my wife, I got her enrolled in the local catholic university for BS in computer science within months of arriving in US. I still remember her first test in English which she got an A grade. She was asking me “Is there something wrong with me. I don’t understand why my fellow American students are getting Bs & Cs” in their own native language”. Within a year she got admitted to a prestigious University where she is now doing her Masters. Her last inter-departmental project, which I believe was with Motorola, her team came first (she was the team leader). She just can’t stand plain stupidity and says it openly. Her professors used to ask her to tone down little bit since she openly confronts her classmates about it when problem arises and it can appear blatantly rude. Nevertheless, they are like her very much. She also makes fun of herself and her country often. She used to tell me in FSU, the kids at school gets teased (unlike here for having a funny name, or being fat or being just different) if you are slow and stupid.

I still laugh when I think about the conversation that occurred few months after she landed in US. When she went to a local store,  the sales agent couldn’t understand what she said. My wife doesn’t have a typical Russian accent even though she does have a strange accent. She tried to repeat her question slowly. The agent still couldn’t understand her. So my wife said, “Are you stupid or trying to act like one”. Instantaneously the agent understood everything and was blushing all over!

She doesn’t like the mechanical stuff like programming VCR or setting the clock. It is not because she is not smart to figure it out but just don’t like gizmos unlike me. If her computer hard drive crashes, I am the one who fixes it for her. So my advise is not to push things they don’t like and encourage things they are capable or good at and one can work as a team.

My understanding is that in the glory days of FSU, education was free and everybody benefitted from it. Boys used to try to excel in college rather than being drafted into Army. Engineers, doctors were dime a dozen in FSU and has no value or prestige bestowed upon them unlike here. Her granny was a gynecologist (made $50 per months!) and both her parents are engineers. I don’t know what is the official figure about the literacy rate for FSU but I believe it is almost 100%. Of course the educational priority is going down the tube after the fall of communism.

My wife showed me a survey and Russia was more or less the same as Americans on the percentages of those that go on to college.

Mike

I was lucky as I was able to make regular and multiple trips to Ukraine for us to get to know each other and had a six month fiance visa for us to get to know each other here before marriage.

I wonder if I (or my wife) would have taken that risk if we had less knowledge about each other?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Or as one of our recent posters put it, there comes a time to sh!t or get of the pot.

Good luck to you all.

I would've liked to have done this, but my job wouldn't allow. It would've given me much better insight into the Ukrainian mind and caused us less mis-understandings and conflict later on.

I was lucky (compared to you US guys) as the airfares are cheap and flight time from nearby Gatwick is quick (three and a half hours) that and my girls help with finding cheap studio apartments enabled me to visit often for long weekends.

I can't imagine taking that "leap of faith" after just a couple of visits, but then I wasn't in that position.

BTW We are planning for an extended visit of three months in Ukraine this coming summer, with my wife staying the full three months and me taking the first and last month in Ukraine with the middle month I'll have stuff to do here with my job. The first month we'll be staying at her family's dacha (this should be fun :))and the last month I'd like to motor-tour some. I'll try to keep a journal for you all.

Fears and adjustments. I see my wife as a brave woman to come here and to leave everything she's ever known behind for a chance at a better life. She had to adjust on every level possible. She went from feeling highly educated to feeling like she's trapped in a childs mind because of her knowledge of american english and slang. She had to learn how to drive and was always afraid of cars. My wife doesn't see her progress because she is constantly consumed by adjusting, and compairing herself. As a husband all I can do is try to keep her spirits up and point out her accomplishments. One of the hardest things there is to do is the ability to see yourself the way others see you.

My advice hmmm keep-em busy and happy and get started quickly on helping them feel like they're a part of our society, but I don't think I would stop working for long just to be with her. The first thing she may think is you're not a good worker/provider. Heck the sooner you get into your routine the sooner she can see what's going on.  

I've talked with guys that wanted to control everything about their wife and hoped they would end up with a concubine  - - HA HA HA that'll be the day! If they're brave enough to come here they'll have no problems moving on down the road after crossing the Ocean!

Mike -- who felt like rambling this morning

During the early months it seemed more like I had a new daughter to care for than a new wife, I had to advise and guide her every move and explain everything to her. She had to overcome the unforseen things like car-sickness having hardly ever travelled in one before. Then there was the disapointment that her education meant nothing here, after studying for five years to gain a degree in management and tourism she found that she really knows nothing about these subjects as they apply to the real world.

And for the guys that hope to find a concubine they can control, it may seem like that to begin with, but everyday brings a little more independence and adjustment for these women.

Mike

1. Doing the wrong thing.

2. Failing to do the right thing.

She is here worring about having made a
type 1 error?  She could as well be sitting
in Russia wondering if she made a type 2 error.

really, if circumstances are reasonable it
is the will to be happy, and knowing how, that
make the difference.

"I often think of our time together and I hope for a good future for both of us. The language barrier concerns me a little bit and the lack of time to learn English well too. But they say that the devil is not so black as it is painted. I think that one can reach everything if there's a big desire to it. And I have this desire."

"I think that one can reach everything if there's a big desire to it. And I have this desire."

Obviously, for a lady to make this move she must already have the faith to make that leap or she would not do it. She has the desire as she stated. She is going to leap --- it is understanding about what is required in catching her and breaking her fall and making the landing as pleasant as possible.

The key is for her to feel the same two, three, twelve, twenty four months from now relative to holding the intensity of that desire she talks about versus the erosion of such.

It is more about doing what you can to maintain that desire that got her to leap. The question is what can you do to make sure this is the case.

Keep in mind that I have not gotten that far, however, some things are common sense modified by in the trenches experience. Many good posts have come from those who have been there to reveal their experiences in the trenches. These have been excellent posts discussing the challenges that two people tackled in this MOB venue of marriage.

Myself, I think that a lot of it has to do with who you are as a person and not necessarily anything anyone can teach you. If you are a sensitive person, you will be more capable to do what it takes to help your lady You will be more capable because you will listen to her, you will read her concerns hidden behind her smile, you will sense when she needs comforting. If you are the type to wait until troubles surface to a level that even a thug could read the situationl, you are not going to be as much help/support to her in this transition. Lets hope you got a stronger one in this case who is forgiving.  

Some guys will listen to what a woman needs, others will not. Some can hear better than others plain and simple and thus there will be those that will have to use a hearing aid of sorts or will need bend their ear a bit to glean the messages behind the body language.

Some are here because that has been their problem all along and they think that going to the FSU where women are more available to us for a variety of reasons will solve their problems of male/female relationships. There are those more evolved then me here in this and those that are probably less evolved and thus it is all about a willingness to grow and improve in human relations.

I think that the following is a safe barometer for one to us IMHO. If you find yourself thinking that you are doing a lot more than you think is needed then you are probably doing about the correct amount. Who in the He!! knows really. This could be all bullshirt and not apply to you but maybe the guy standing next to you LOL  Anyway if this is correct it most likely applies to the average guy. If you are more sensitive and responsive to women's needs then you need to feel less of this to know you are on the mark I would guess. Sometimes I guess good other times dead wrong.  

Here is one thing to keep in mind and I think that I am correct at least on this one but maybe not.  Most guys will make the extra effort initially but as time goes on, they will start to slip, drifting back to older patterns of less attentiveness. As long as this is in sync with your lady's adaptations and thus less need by her for your attention, this is fine. I would guess that this later aspect would be more difficult to judge. So, do more than you think, for a longer period than you think is needed. But, you know what, those simple things like a single rose she finds on the bed with a note written in Russian that says "I love you, I am so proud of how you are adapting to our new life away from your home" can do more than one can imagine. The problem is that guys forget to do this often enough. If you need to, put a reminder on your calendar at work to do one little thing at least once a week. Just my two cents worth

How can I comment with not having brought a lady over to engage in that aspect of all of this? The comments come from reading a lot of posts, my own experiences with women in general and because I have thought a heck a lot about all of this as a result of determining whether the MOB scene is something that is for me and how would I cope with the situation..

Mike --- who hopes to grow old with his wife

I agree - always try to paint the picture that is because that is what she is going to be living with. The fewer surprises the better as the transiltion she will go through will provide enough of those on its own.

The less surprises coming from the guy, the more secure she will be in the home and thus more capable to deal with  the transition before her.

Tom

By showing them security, along with treating them the way you would want a man to treat your daughter.

Mike

"I must not fear... Fear is the mind killer... Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration... I will face my fear... I will allow it to pass over me and through me... And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see it's path... When the fear is gone there will be nothing... Only I shall remain..."

from Dune...
by Frank Herbert...

Be honest, respect them, talk to them, show them that you care... Do not fear the path...

It takes two to make that leap. You leap together.
The idea that a marriage is a 50%..50% deal is based on a  lie. It's 100% from both of them/you/us.
Karl

He doesn't give us the spirit of fear... This is for EVERY CHRISTIAN!!!

Take more time to correspond, take more time to call, take more trips out there… till you are ready, till your heart says this is it…. and pray

www.translation.wasem.net

2 Timothy 1:7

That's why I can go anywhere in your homeland and never be afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of!