Planet-Love.com Searchable Archives

A while back, I asked this question before, but I still don’t get it.  When I returned from my Kiev trip September 10, out of all of the ladies that I had met, there were 4 with a lot of potential that I wanted to correspond with.  One didn’t answer my e-mails and so I wrote her a snail mail with a photo of the two of us together.  She replied to that, which I received three months after my e-mail and she said that she hadn’t replied for all that time because she was in Poland and in the hospital.  And she also said, I want to be with you.  I want a serious relationship now.  That word “now” lead me to believe that she had a fling or two during that three months and after he/they dumped her, now she wants a serious relationship.  The other three ladies continued to write less and less and now none of them writes more than once a month.  I am so disappointed with these ladies that I wrote letters to 49 new ladies and am going to mail them off as soon as I get my photos ready and get the envelopes addressed.  Then I am going to pick out some more ladies and write to them too.  And the ones that show the most interest by writing often are the ones that I intend to visit in May.  But I hope someone will please advise me, what should I do to keep the good ones from losing interest after I return from my trip?  One lady is writing me regularly but she is one that I haven’t met yet.  Maybe those four ladies just aren’t into e-mail and letter writing, maybe they need me to pay the cost of their internet use, maybe they just view me as out of site and out of mind, I don’t know.  Or maybe it’s just like a relationship where the newness has worn off but I don’t hear about anyone else having this problem, so I hope someone will clue me in.  I mean if someone traveled half way around the world to meet me, and we had a great time and were affectionate towards each other, got along great and enjoyed each other’s companionship, and thought we might have a future together as we get to know each other better, I certainly would write to them no less than every two weeks and probably every four days or so.  I just don’t get it.

... in response to Any ideas on this?, posted by Ramblin on Feb 28, 2002

Ramblin,

It is hard to give advice on a little facts you give, but the impression I get is that you did not get serious feeling about any of these ladies. And most likely they sensed it as well and feel like not wanting to waste theirs and yours time.

I guess at this point you just have to decide that it just didnot work out and move on. May be you should reconsider your methods and approaches? May be you should decide if you targeted wrong age/type of women?

If you did not feel that ONE of these women was worth writing, calling, coming again to see her, why do you think ALL FOUR of these women would do it?

Russian Wife

... in response to Any ideas on this?, posted by Ramblin on Feb 28, 2002

Ramblin,

Just some missing data about all this making it hard to really answer your question.

I tend to go with Natalya on this relative to a women keeping in touch if she is genuinely interested given my lack of knowledge of all the facts.

However, there are other sides of this. For example have you called on the phone the ladies that you are interested in at all,--- much? Calling is now not expensive with these various calling plans that are now available to us. If you have not called after meeting them, they might not think that you are serious. I mean you did the written correspondence prior - if there is something there - you move up to something more - like phone calls or at some level you may be giving the impression that there really is not more for you regarding her. Have you discussed your intentions for you next visit? If you have not done these things, you may be viewed as not serious.

Even though these ladies are secretive, you can be direct with them. You can simply tell them that you are getting the impression that they are not really interested in you and that you do not want to waste your time and that you are going to stop corresponding because of such. Tell them that if you have misunderstood things to let you know such.  This will bring out the truth. If the lady is interested she is going to come back and tell you such. If she lets you go, well most likely you will know what that means.

Ramblin, were these ladies quite a bit younger? Were they more attractive than you normally would date - if so how much more attractive were they. In other words, were you pushing for the sky here versus being reasonable?

Do not let this get you down. All you need is one - the right one. You do not want to push for the wrong one. You and her will both know when you both have found it. The worst thing that you could do would be to let this affect your confidence.

If you have any close friends who you feel you can trust - ask them if they were coaching you - what they would recommend to improve your image to a woman. It is better to ask a woman versus just a man.

Years ago, I did this and was surprised at the answer I got. That was back when I was more defensive but, I ultimately saw the point and realized that there were things that I could do to improve my desirability. Now, I am not suggesting that you are undesirable, but there is always room for improvement. It may have nothing to do with anything other than lack of chemistry which does not always know any logic.

I mean also look at what you did, you reject 60% of those that decided to meet you. How many more did you reject to get to those 10? The same is going to happen to you. Of the ladies that you rejected, did you get the impression with any of them that they were really interested in you even though you decided against them?

Now, you said that there were four that you felt that there was good potential with. Did you feel any real chemistry with any of these? Was there one that stuck out above the rest? If not, you may not have really found the right one and these ladies simply knew that or sensed it. I am not saying that thunder bolts have to happen when you meet the correct one - of course it will vary greatly from person to person or situation to situation.

However, I think you are correct about casting another net.

Good luck.

... in response to Any ideas on this?, posted by Ramblin on Feb 28, 2002

My advice unlike some of the other people who have good intentions but believe they "have the answer" is that every relationship is different and frankly I believe you need to do what you are doing-- and that is cast a large net and out of the 49 or more letters you write you may come up with 2 or 3 potential mates and then again you might strike out... a little luck never hurts in this pursuit... I believe it is possible to just go over there and take your chances to find a wife- I think the odds are stacked against you but one of our former posters did it and it worked for him... others take the agency route and pay lots of money for a tour... this seems to me not a good way but some have found wifes this way too... for me I put a free ad in Ukraine and Russian paper almost 2 years ago and luckily my wife saw it... I say luckily because she tells me she usually doesnt look at this paper... when I put the ad in the paper about 50 girls responded... most lost interest after I told them I was poor as a church mouse and that I wanted to write a long time and make sure we had something in common before taking a trip to  the former Soviet Union... ahhh I can hear the experts knashing their teeth LOL... but this method worked for me... it eliminated the scammers and I found a two good women... (by the way I wrote for a year before buying the ticket!!) one that I am now married to... do I recomend this approach to everyone as the one true "answer"?.. no but it fit me sooo  ramblin go with your gut ... listen to others and take advice but go with what is right for you and I wish you all the luck in the world... and
all the best,
Keith

... in response to advice from my experience....., posted by keith on Feb 28, 2002

Keith, you are one lucky guy and you did take your chances...I'm glad your way of finding RW worked for you but I'm not sure at all it will work for somebody else. Couple things you did right:1) made sure you have something in common before go and meet RW 2) didn't try to attract woman but the lifestyle you can offer to her and money you make.Other than that you just lucky you found RW who were able to wait for "poor" guy like you for so long.I can say for sure that not too many RW would wait for so long unless AM she writes to is the only one ( I mean no other AM).And it is mistake to make yourself look like a church mouse, especially for woman with child.Think about it.She's moving to new country with child, without great knowledge of language and not be able to support herself atleast for a year or so.Of course she's looking for financially secure man who'll take care of her and her child for awhile at least.No "poor as church mouse" man should look for RW.There are too much expenses accociated with bring her in USA and he doesn't really understand the amount of responsibility.Another thing is waiting for whole year to come visit RW. Who garauntee that after waiting for whole year the AM will come and decided that you are the one for him.Nobody can garauntee. I can see that RW can wait for so long while she correspond with other AM as well, which increasing her chances.With the same success some guy like you can write that his RW was waiting for him 3 years.Well sure it just happens that in these 3 years she didn't meet man who'd offer her to get married sooner than you.I'm not trying to make RW desperate for marrying any AM who'll propose her, but the same time time is matter for RW and not many of them would wait for the guy years when he decide to visit her.

... in response to Re: advice from my experience....., posted by Natalya on Feb 28, 2002

Hello I would agree with what your are saying.  My thinking is that maybe he did this 10 or so years ago when things might have been different.  I think today it is much harder that back then...  Just my thinking.
Ryan

... in response to advice from my experience....., posted by keith on Feb 28, 2002

Wow I actually made it using this method...  I am doing much the same as you, I have places the add in the news paper.  I have gotten tons of letters, I tell them in my first letter that "I lead a simple life" and that, "I am not rich."  I state that, "money does not grow on a tree in my back yard."  But I just can't see writing for a year before going to see them...  Anyway my question to you is how long ago did you do all of this?
Thanks,
Ryan

... in response to Re: advice from my experience....., posted by Ryan on Feb 28, 2002

who won't send you pictures of her in bathing suit so you won't fall in love with her outer beauty rather inside.This is smart move for RW to find the right man not for only how she looks but her personality and herself.As well as smart move for AM who intentionally make his income smaller and therefore lifestyle simpler then in reality. That's way chances RW will look for you not for your money.And please,Ryan, don't wait for too long to visit your RW. You'll may loose her because of it.

... in response to Ryan, there are smart RW, posted by Natalya on Feb 28, 2002

I have been educating myself best I could for this trip over.  My first try was a sad joke.  This time I write for only three months. I have 5 women that I have picked out as of today.  Two in Kiev and three in Luganks.  I am keeping it simple, go to see them have a bunch of fun like one big vacation.  I am looking for the chemistry and the gut feelings and that is it.  If I don't get it I come home and try again.  When I find the one I go back and see them again within 3 months.  My plan is that if I feel she is the one I propose on 3rd trip over to see her which is in a 9 month time frame.  I spend the next year getting her over here and that is that.  The rest is history...

... in response to Re: Ryan, there are smart RW, posted by Ryan on Feb 28, 2002

Ryan,
It sounds like a very good plan.  Best of luck to you.
KenC

... in response to Re: Ryan, there are smart RW, posted by Ryan on Feb 28, 2002

It seems you're pretty serious about finding RW and looks like you're on the right track.Good luck again.

... in response to Any ideas on this?, posted by Ramblin on Feb 28, 2002

I have an unrealated question (For the most part I agree with Nataly) when you visited these women did you also meet their families?  Did she take you home to her mom/father etc?  I was also wondering why didn't you just call them and see what was up?  Just trying to learn a few things.. Thanks
Ryan

... in response to Sort of off subject...., posted by Ryan on Feb 28, 2002

No, I did not meet any families.

... in response to Sort of off subject...., posted by Ryan on Feb 28, 2002

Good point Ryan.  The one that didn't answer my two e-mails and then replied to my snail mail actually left a message on my machine for me to call her and she said she was sorry.  The thing is that a "sorry" doesn't excuse 3 months of no correspondence.  I wanted her to write a letter with more detailed explanations but she wants to discuss it over the phone.  I suspect that she will just repeat her same excuses about Poland etc..  I was going to call her, but her English is limited and the interpreter is only available on Sunday morning and I kind of just said to myself "forget it," because I don't trust her and I was too sleepy to get up that early.  Another one has a mobile phone that was out of minutes when I tried to call her from there but maybe it would work if I tried again.  Another one, I did call and should call some more but she has not answered my last letter.  And the fourth one, I should call too.

... in response to calling them, posted by Ramblin on Feb 28, 2002

Sheesh Ramblin... you kinda left out some details...

You mean that these ladies don't speak english? I'm assuming that they don't write it either?

Do they usually write you in Russian, and then you have it translated here?

Or do they pay to have it translated and then send it to you?

That kind of makes a difference. (For one thing it changes cost... and maybe opportunity...)

I can understand why a lady would rather discuss something through an interpreter than wirting a letter, paying to have it interpreted, and then hoping that you understand...

Do none of these ladies speak English...?

... in response to Wait a minute... You use an interpreter?..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 28, 2002

If the girl doesn't speak English it is much harder to get the relationship going.  They can't tell through an interpreter if you're a really good guy or not.  You can't connect with them either.  Get a girl that knows at least some English.

... in response to Sort of off subject...., posted by Ryan on Feb 28, 2002

Ryan,
Meeting the family is very important in my mind.  Without that it would make the meetings more of a fantasy than a reality.  I think that meeting the family makes everything more serious.  I also agree with your comment about just calling to find out whazzzup?
KenC

... in response to Good point "on subject", posted by KenC on Feb 28, 2002

today I had arranged to call a girl there at 8PM their time in Ukraine.  I used a Net2phone card and the whole system is down.  For over 2 hours.  Tried another card and I get the circuits busy signal.  So,  me?  I got this girl at home waiting for a call---that is not getting through.  Now,  when I paid more through MCI,  I at least could get through.

... in response to Calling there is not always so easy,  li..., posted by tim360z on Feb 28, 2002

I called Ukraine (Kiev) using Net2Phone arround 7:30 Ukaine time (1:30 EST or just before) and got through using the 800 number on my card rather than the local number.  Like you, I have had trouble using Net2Phone.  Usually both numbers aren't down, but it is a definate possibility.

On the plus side, my calling costs are way down.  

... in response to Re: Calling there is not always so easy,..., posted by Richard on Feb 28, 2002

glitches like today.  It was also my 1st time use of the card.  I also used a Sprint card and got busy signals...luckily she has email at home.

... in response to Yes,  I found MCI 3 times higher,  but n..., posted by tim360z on Feb 28, 2002

Guys,
Lena uses the Nobel cards for 9 cents per min with no connection fees.  She usually has no problem at all.  I tell her if she has to call and can't get through on the card, just dial direct.  We have AT&T international program and her calls are 20 cents per min there.  My phone bill has gone down significantly.
KenC

... in response to Any ideas on this?, posted by Ramblin on Feb 28, 2002

Firstly,  the whole letter writing thing really requires 2 people very very interested in each other who possess the time and inclination and the money.  It is probably much easier for you to write an email every 4 days---than it is for her.  I only know 1 girl whose family has a computer and internet at home.  For her,  it is fairly easy....for the others,  I know its more difficult.  Also,  some girls, after you meet,  will want to know...like where they stand with you.  Many will find continued letter writing a waste of time,  since their goal is marriage.  Not writing letters.  For continued communication I think they have to be interested in you and to beleive you are very interested in them.  Like a possible future together...not letter writing.  I think for a girl to have a continuing long correspondence can be difficult.  She must really want to.  For whatever the reasons.  And the evidence is in the effort she puts into it.  The girls I communicate with usually write me once a week by email.  And every few weeks, especially around holidays they will all send postal mail...like cards and short letters,  photos...that sort of thing.  It is fairly easy for them to take a little time to let me know they are thinking of me.  I should also point out to you that I do take the time and the patience to cultivate a very good friendship with them first.  My guess (uneducated) with the ones who now write every month is either a miscommunication or a dis-interest on their part.  It is not that difficult for them to communicate with you more often...like once every 2 weeks or so.  And,  one last thing is they probably are communicating with other "prospects".  Most good looking girls get so many letters from guys.  Good luck.

... in response to Any ideas on this?, posted by Ramblin on Feb 28, 2002

Ramblin,
This is a "natural" progression in an "unnatural" relationship.  It sounds as though the 4 ladies were high with anticipation after your visit, but that was FIVE MONTHS AGO.  You do not mention if you have any firm plans to return, so I will assume that you have no firm plans at this time.  Think about it this way:  You know the excitement one feels at the beginning of a relationship?  A big portion of that excitement is the anticipation of what comes next.  You have had what would be considered as a few "first dates" with 4 different women.  The excitement was high then, but it has fizzled out now over time.  It is almost impossible to maintain that "high" via written word without face to face interaction.  You have the time issue plus the numbers issue against you.  No matter how hard you try, you cannot be to 4 what you could be to 1.  You are not ready to make a committment to 1, so why should they?  Please don't take that as a slam because you may have not yet met the right woman either.
KenC
p.s. (It cracks me up when we AM hang on every word (now) coming from women that English is their second language.  Don't analyze the words so much.  If you have a question about what she wrote, ask her)

... in response to that was then, this is now, posted by KenC on Feb 28, 2002

If the tables were turned. Would you wait in anticipation of a RW/UW if you weren't sure if you would ever see her again because she would not tell you if she was planning another trip anytime soon.

I think not.  By the attitudes of many of the men here (or at least my perception of their attitudes) I think most men here would not bother waiting for, or putting much effort into a RW if they were not even sure she would see them again.  I feel most men would consider them a tease or maybe not serious if they weren't willing to put effort into the beginnings of a relationship.  Much in the way you describe now.

Try to think about the situation if the tables were turned and it might give more light on why these women act the way they do sometimes.  

... in response to that was then, this is now, posted by KenC on Feb 28, 2002

what I read in his post Ken.  I agree though...going there and spending a few days or a week with 1 girl is really like a first date or 2.  In contrast,  if the girl lived nearby they would have spent more time in person and things would have developed more in a normal fashion after say 30 "dates".  ie:  Like maybe in that course of time she decided she didn't care for him or he didn't care too much for her or whatever...or maybe they had a great chemistry.  One should not marry someone for their letter writing skills---it should be for how they "click" in person.  Personally,  I feel that one can initially develop a friendship in letters and telephone calls...but a real relationship is in person.

... in response to Returning,  I think in May is, posted by tim360z on Feb 28, 2002

n/t.

... in response to that was then, this is now, posted by KenC on Feb 28, 2002

Wow, Ken...

I think you ought to get an award for this one: "natural" progression in an "unnatural" relationship...

Hmmm... wonder if that is better than an unnatural progression in a natural relationship...? ;-)

Seriously, though... all wordsmithing aside.. I could not agree more.

If you had narrowed it down to one... then the emails would still be flowing freely.

If you haven't committed to the lady.. why should she commit to you?

She still has other guys writing her... many of them are still planning on coming over. She met you five months ago. She will get serious again when your mail starts with: "I am coming in __ weeks to see you again..."

Other than that... expect that this lady is receiving a LOT of mail and email... why should she drop them all for someone who left five months ago with a handful of women he was interested in...?

... in response to Any ideas on this?, posted by Ramblin on Feb 28, 2002

I'm thinking that maybe they felt like they were being strung along.  I'm sure when you went to see them it got their hopes up and they were anxiously awaiting either another visit soon or some statement of your intentions.  I would expect they felt let down when you met them and everything went so well but you still were not willing to make any sort of commitment to them.  To them it might seem that even though the visit was wonderful you are the sort of person that will always look for something better.  I'm not saying that's true - just that they might interpret things that way.

Maybe I'm totally wrong - I'm just basing this on how I think I would feel in a similar sort of situation.  What does everyone else think?

... in response to Re: Any ideas on this?, posted by unsure on Feb 28, 2002

There are over 55,000 women looking and maybe a few thousand men.  These women have such long odds against them they don't want to spend their money and waste their time on a guy not acting serious. The more desperate ones would hang on with hope but don't count on it.  Really what these girls don't realize is that if they stuck with it just a little longer they might get the guy because so many girls drop out fast.

... in response to Re: Any ideas on this?, posted by unsure on Feb 28, 2002

:-)

... in response to Any ideas on this?, posted by Ramblin on Feb 28, 2002

Many of the girls have very hard lives.  They really do not have the time to write that often.  They are more interested in the here and now - since their existence really is more day to day.  Forget the one who was "sick in the hospital in Poland."  She is full of you know what.  The other three I believe are very much interested in you.  They want to see some hardware already ie. you.

... in response to Re: Any ideas on this?, posted by Bobby Orr on Feb 28, 2002

Everybody here tried to find different excuses for RW for not writing you back as working hard, don't have a time, cost of internet.I can say that most of this excuses are bullcrap except of course cost for internet access. IMHO you should ask them about internet expences and offer them financial help( of course if RW will accept it).Second .If RW attracted to you SHE WILL ALWAYS FIND TIME TO WRITE BACK! And she'd write you more frquently then before your visit there.IMHO these RW just don't really care for you anymore.Now it is time for you to rethink what possibly in your attitude, behavior, appearence, manners in time of your meeting with these RW could be cause of RW not to be interested in correspondence with you anymore.There is always two sides of coins.And so far I heard only bunch of excuses for RW.How about yourself?Nobody is perfect.Maybe RW just didn't like you.As simple as that.Don't forget that majority of RW would never show or tell this to you at time of meeting.But they stop corresponding afterwards.Maybe you should ask them about it so next time you go you won't make the same mistake.Something  what you did or in you definetely turn these women off.Try to figure this one.

... in response to Interesting question,Ramblin., posted by Natalya on Feb 28, 2002

I congratulate you on your excellent command of the popular American phrase "bullcrap". :)

... in response to Re: Interesting, posted by WmGo on Feb 28, 2002

called "verbal diarrhoea" (and I had to get the dictionary out just to be sure on the Queen's English there) we here in O'z would never say what you just said in a place of Public Opinion !

Good to see you and and a few others like Karl peering out from under the "barrage" again ! Yep, Karl it is safe to come out again, you make me laugh Mate !!

When Y'a going over again William? Wouldnt mind joining you Bro !!

J

... in response to No William, No ..... it's ..., posted by JohnL on Mar 1, 2002

Hey John,

yeah, being a little naughty. Just thought it was funny the way the FSU lady picked up on and actually used the phrase on a public forum.

I hope to go back over this summer.

Best regards!

w

... in response to Interesting question,Ramblin., posted by Natalya on Feb 28, 2002

Yeah, or maybe they found a bigger and better deal.  One of them said that she got a new job and works from 9 to 9 and falls on her bed exhausted when she gets home, but she still has the weekend and still has time to plaster new photos of herself all over the internet.  She probably got some new handsome guy visiting her.

... in response to Re: Interesting question,Ramblin., posted by Ramblin on Feb 28, 2002

about these problems.Please keep your attitide positive and you will find the right one.I don't know your age neither age of RW you are looking for, but if you do want to be succesful in your search try to be realistic with age difference.This whole process is very hard time consuming task and if you have to wake up early in the morning to call your RW then you just have to do it :) "I was sleepy" is not excuse for RW for not calling her :)

... in response to Ramblin, you sound pretty bitter, posted by Natalya on Feb 28, 2002

If she's full of bullcrap, why should I call her?

... in response to Interesting question,Ramblin., posted by Natalya on Feb 28, 2002

"Something what you did or in you definetely turn these women off.Try to figure this one."

Good point, Natalya. But speaking from experience it's hard to know exactly what went wrong if the lady quits communicating. I'm willing to learn from my mistakes but RWs are famous for never talking about problems. So naive guys like myself believe everything is just fine until she disappears. Most RWs will never tell a man, "this is what I don't like about you" or  "this is what I do like about you". And afterwards we sit and second guess ever move we made, trying to decide if that was a mistake.

My ex-girlfriend informed me that I wasn't doing everything that a man should do for her. But I could never get her to tell me exactly what it was that I wasn't doing. I know I made a lot of mistakes. I know most of what I did wrong. But I've never figured out what I didn't do that I was supposed to. But then maybe that was just her. Other people who knew her said that she wasn't doing enough for me either.

... in response to Re: Interesting question,Ramblin., posted by Zink on Feb 28, 2002

Zinc wrote: "My ex-girlfriend informed me that I wasn't doing everything that a man should do for her. But I could never get her to tell me exactly what it was that I wasn't doing. I know I made a lot of mistakes. I know most of what I did wrong. But I've never figured out what I didn't do that I was supposed to. But then maybe that was just her. Other people who knew her said that she wasn't doing enough for me either."

****************************************************************************

I've heard this one before: They expect you to read their minds. You are supposed to be mystically in tune to their needs, even though they won't even drop a hint. An enigma wrapped in a mystery.. yadda, yadda, yadda. I am also told by the native women about their fellow natives that they "expect the man to give them the world"-- end quote. This is their culture. And if you do try to give them the world, don't expect much in return (I guess that's only logical because there's only one world-- if you are giving her the world, there's isn't much left for her to give you in return, even her time).

I wonder if financial support was among the things she expected. That's something she'd never ask you for, but yet would hold it against you. A couple hundred bucks a month to make her life better...

Note: We have to take a break from writing stuff like this on March 8th. There will be a 24-hour truce.

... in response to Interesting question,Ramblin., posted by Natalya on Feb 28, 2002

Natalya,
I agree with your opinion. If the desire is there, people will do whatever is necessary to accomplish their goal. My wife was never much of a letter writer, but we communicated almost daily via the phone. No matter where she was or what she was doing, she would be home at our designated time for my phone call. She never missed a call. If she was not going to be home, she would let me know in advance.
The other side of the coin was also true. We "met" via the phone late October/early November and by the end of December I was on my way to meet her in person. I was back in Russia to be with her by March and she came to America in July. When you know it is right, you take action.
KenC

... in response to Love will find a way, posted by KenC on Feb 28, 2002

My time line was very similar to yours.  I met my fiancee in September,  we called or emailed each other daily.  In  mid December, I visited her for 1 month.  She was everything we spoke about.  I am going back in 3 weeks for another 2.5 weeks.  We have filed K-1 visa and I haope to have her here in July.

Jan

... in response to Re: Love will find a way, posted by JGG on Feb 28, 2002

n/t

... in response to Interesting question,Ramblin., posted by Natalya on Feb 28, 2002

experience...if the girl wants to make the effort--she will.  If she is not so interested...she won't.  And it is not too difficult for them to send you a card or letter on postal mail.