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I just received this email from a friend I met in Kiev who has recently married and moved to the USA.  (less then three mponths ago)

I have removed some text to keep the writer anonymous.  I thought this may be of interest to the board.  Please do not ask for many more details as I feel I may have already breached some degree of confidentiality here and I certainly do not wish to destroy my friendship.  Allcomments welcomed -- (Even Jack if he is not abusive)

jj

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Hi  JJ,

I haven't written to you for ages. I don't have computer at home and my husband asked me to stop any contact with my male friends but i find a way how to send you a message.

I use Internet in a xxxx . I married to Xxxx two monthes ago. I live in xxxx in a small town xxx  near xxx (Large City in the USA).  

My life is not easy here, I live in a beautiful house I can see the sun on the sky every day but i feel so lonely. Xxxx (her Husband) was great on the  telephone and when I spent vocations with him but routin life with him is very hard. He is in permanent depression or sometimes in maniac  depression.  He can aggravate very quickly about doesn't matter what and shout or stay in his bedroom and smoke for hours and spread horrible tention.  You can imagine how difficult for me to live here. I was independent in Kiev self-confident I had great friends with common interests and desires but now I'm dependent on him in everything. I like this country and that was my main goal to be here, to give future to my son. I don't want to come back to Ukraine where no future for everyone  but I need advice how I can get used to my situation  here.

My son likes be here  he gets very good marks  at school ('A' rear 'B') he has his own room, his friends and don't involve in my private  life.  My Husband doesn't want that I work   and he controls me like I'm his daughter. It's very unusual for me be  under control. I know that I need to bear evrything because  of my son . He attends a good school we live in good neighbourhood and I don't want to change it. I need to find a way for myself, how I can  survive and not become crazy  with a sick husband.  He knows his probems and drinks some pills for mood but he needs more serious medical treatment that he regected .

Please be in touch with me. I hope to write you pretty soon when I have chance.

Good luck for you,
Yours Xxxxx.

... in response to Just received this email, posted by jj on Feb 8, 2002

Of course, it is hard to evaluate the situation based on her e-mail. If everything she said is true, it sounds as though her husband has clinical depression. Depression itself is difficult, but manageable, but what really troubles me is his insistence that she close herself off from support systems. This is one form of control, that is very unhealthy, and can be a precursor for other forms of control, such as violence. Depression can also be comorbid with other disorders, so she needs to be watchful of other behaviors, such as alcohol abuse, interest in firearms, out of control anger, etc.

It may be difficult for her to simply run to a DV shelter, but she may wish to contact a shelter, or at least family services in her area...she's near a large city, so there should be resources for women who are living in a difficult environment. If she loves him, and wants help, then she should be able to talk to him about seeing a psychiatrist for meds, and a psychologist for therapy. If this only angers him, and he isolates and smokes, she should start to plan to get help.

Her son will do fine. Better that she relocates, or even returns to Ukraine. If the husband is so depressed that he can't function well, this is no environemnt for a kid, no matter how good the schools are.

If husband continues to isolate her, she needs to give you a way to get in contact with her, in event of emergency. Emotional abuse is a form of control, and it gets worse. If there si a Russian or Ukrainina community in her city (there should be), have her contact a church, or cultural center.

... in response to She might be in real trouble here, posted by ChipShot on Feb 8, 2002

Good advice.  She is a strong independent women.  I am sure she will survive.  Her husband is well off and has two teen age children from a previuous (Her child is 13 years old and very well educated and well balanced as most Ukrainian Children are.  Yes there is an age diference also.  I guess the desire to get out of Ukraine makes some blind to reality.  It is still early days yet I will wait for further emails...

... in response to Just received this email, posted by jj on Feb 8, 2002

First of all, she needs to start getting out of the house - start working part-time (even as teaching assistant in her son's school), get some friends, etc.

Next step would be for her to get some councelling for her husband. IF she really loves him, she should find way to bring the subject up and at least go not for direct treatment, but discussions of his problem with specialist.

On the other note - she does not have to sucrifice her life in favor of her son's school. He does not need such sucrifice, besides she probably does not know true condition of her husband's health, so can not guarantee that it will not affect her son in the future.

Russian Wife

... in response to Re: Just received this email, posted by RWife on Feb 8, 2002

,

... in response to Just received this email, posted by jj on Feb 8, 2002

It is hard to believe how this gal spent so much time with the guy before marriage and did not see the symptoms at that time.

JR

... in response to Just received this email, posted by jj on Feb 8, 2002

The next time the husband abuses, she can call the cops and have him arrested. She can also force a condition that he either get help from a hospital and psychiatrist or she divorces him. It's easy for a wife to do this to a husband, but it is extremely difficult for a husband to deal with a crazy wife. Men are discriminated against. She needs to be decisive in this situation.

-blm

... in response to Simple but difficult solution..., posted by BarryM on Feb 8, 2002

I do not think it is that straoght forward.  I am not even sure he is abusing her...  I think he suffers from manaic depressan.  This does not mean that he is beyond help.  Now she married in sincerity abd in tjhe belif that this guy was Mr Right and that he could provide her the American Dream.  To some extent I expect this is in part related to an justment period.  She has only been living in the USA for three months.  She did spend a fair bit of time travelling and meeting her husband before they tied the knot.  Yes there were some signs before hand but it just goes to show you that you really need to spend some time getting to know the other person.  Now I am not going to claim that this is "The norm" with all forigh marriages... Hell I know the thought of getting married is daunting enough and yes whilst the issues related to a foriegn wife I think and help develop a relationship, if approached right, it can also be stressfull.  Altermately it depends on the people involved.  As it stands things may work out... and I am sure she will work at it.  She is very well educated, independant and a typical strong good looking Ukrainian women...  Given independence and opportunity I have no doubt she would be a very good wife and partner..  

I hooe and pray that she does not feel the need to endure a relationship that is destined to fail, hang in there for two years for the sake of her son and a future in the US then seek a divorce... Time will tell and if possible will keep you posted.

... in response to Re: Simple but difficult solution..., posted by jj on Feb 8, 2002

Jj,
your friend admitted that her main goal was not love for her husband but a way out of Ukraine and a better life for her son and that she has achieved her main goal.  Because of this, I say, she made her bed, now she must lie in it.  Marriage vows are for sickness and health.  Most marriage partners have to put up with things and take the bad with the good and most are not always peaches and cream in a rose garden.  However I do feel for her when her depressed husband goes in his room for hours.  At these times, she should go out and do something on her own and try to be back before it angers her crazy husband.  Then if he has a problem with her trying to survive and not go crazy living with a sick husband and starts really abusing her, then that is the time to get out.

... in response to yes difficult but a few observations, posted by Ramblin on Feb 8, 2002

What is the difference between getting married to get out of a country (anyone) and getting married to get out
of loneliness (not be alone).
When you do want to dance, you have to pay the fiddler, right.

As for keeping a woman that they married in the house, lock up.  This does not happen only  to RW coming here,
a few year ago, we went, a bunch of guys and girls from my hometown, to baseball spring training and to play
gold in Tampa,  Ponte Vedra to be exact.  Nobody is broke, all have good jobs, houses, cars, education, Québec
is in North America.
It so happen that the hotel compex, general manager, a good looking well educated guy, happen to fall like a
rock from a tall building for one of the girl.  This guy seem to have everything, live in a great place, big boat,
big car, beautiful house, look, education, you name it he had it.
Well, 8 months later they got married in my hometown, I was his best man, father like - withness at the
ceremony. After the church, a reception like I had never seen before,  everyone chip in, gifts galore, it was the
reception of all receptions in  this private golf club's history.  Because   of the way this love story had developed
on the trip to Florida,  etc.  We had seen them hold hands, steal kisses like high school kids...etc.
Well, most of the people on that trip and many others, do go to Florida every winter, perhaps for some 2-3 times
a years.  Most of us try to see them, check on them, visit them.  But we could only see him, never her, according
to him she was either sick or busy, or some other excuses.  Many of us stayed at this hotel comple for weeks,
never a hair of her, she was a friend from way back, some of the girl had been to grade school with her.
The summer following, people got to talk at the gold club and some people decided that come hell or high
water, they were going to contact her, he family was in out town (but they did not talk, when asked about her).
Finally someone call the hotel and got the general manager home number and called, she answered (it was
something forbidding for her to do, answering the phone), we found out that she was like in a prison with
that guy, never allowed to go out, to contact anyone..etc.
She could have run away,  but she was ashamed and worried about what her friend would say about her
experience with that guy.
Many people got into the act, convinced her to come back home.  She did eventually.
Today she has remarried in town, nice family she has with kids, who do play golf.

All this to say, that we never know.   About human being (there is more than the window), roses and love.

... in response to yes difficult but a few observations, posted by Ramblin on Feb 8, 2002

I honestly think her main desire is true love, family and a better life. Her husband did not make known issues related to his state of depression. I gathered that she was justifying, wieghing up some of the issues in enduring this issue. And YES issues of citezebship are certainly part of this.  I am concerned that it may be very hard for her to meet/male new friends as I understand her husband is very jealous, this I know to be true.  Rather than judge that this relationship is DOOMED to fail I would hope/pray that these issues will pass.

... in response to Re: yes difficult but a few observations, posted by jj on Feb 8, 2002

i suspect until he seeks help. He needs the right mix of meds or my bet is  she will be leaving him after the two year time limit. It will just get more difficult for her to bear as time passes.

Is there the challenge of a large age difference on top of all of this?