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I wanted to weigh on on this subject again. There seems to be a line forming on the board: Those "romantics" who believe that you should only write one -- see one, and those "pragmatists" who believe this is not smart.

I started as a Pragmatist... became a Romantic shortly before my trip, and then fell back into Pragmatism shortly after.

Now, don't get me wrong, SteveM, Jeff and Oksana, and Kenc -- I love hearing your stories...

I like it that some people were able to do this and still stay romantic. I think that's really great.

And there does come a time when "Holding out for something better" isn't so smart. "Something better" always comes along if you look at each relationship in the context of "Is this the best I can do?" DO that, and you'll never find anyone. (And sooner or later, anyone who is honest has to say "Am *I* really such a prize?")

However, I should say that when I went to St. Petersburg, Maria and I had been in contact, and I really thought that she was "the one." We even had a good time together... and I left with feelings that maybe this would work out.

And she would have been willing to marry me, but I am convinced that we would not have been ultimatly happy. As the man, it was my *responsibility* to make sure the decision was the best FOR BOTH of US, and for OUR LIFETIMES. Looking at this, I decided to end things with her. It was the right thing to do. She (much later) even wrote me and told me that.

But you know what...? If I had met other women when in St. Petersburg, I would have known THEN that Maria wasn't the one. Looking back now, I see that I was caught up in the romance of it all, and that I *wanted* it to work out so badly, I was forcing it.

If I meet more than one woman -- or am scheduled to meet more than one woman -- it won't be because I am running a contest. "Let's rank them and then take the number one contender..." I'm not picking a Miss America, I'm finding a wife.

But knowing that I am meeting other women will take the pressure off of me to "try to see if I can make this one work."

Of course, my objective is not to return home engaged. It is to return home having met someone that I really want to get to know better.

I think there is a big difference in those objectives.

We are really not so different, SteveM. I want to meet someone, and fall in love with her, and marry her. That's what you did.

Where we differ is that I just don't trust myself to choose well based on a photo and some letters. I want to meet her. The expression: "A thousand letters cannot replace one meeting" is true. It has been my experience that it is VERY true.

So, the reason for my trip is not to find a wife... it is to find a person I want to "date". Albeit a very long distance dating.

My next trip would be the one where I would go just for her. And... who knows... maybe at the end of THAT trip I would have a fiance.

But my first trip? I don't want to limit the number of women I meet.

That to me would be like going to a website of personal ads and saying: "Wow... there are so many women here. I will only look at A-C names. I will write to just those. And then I will narrow it down further."

Who would do that? Who would arbitrarily limit their choices like that?

If you would not narrow your choices when you start the search, why do it in the middle of it? Especially at the most critical part (to my way of thinking) that moment when you actually meet.

At the end of the day, I would still say with all honesty: "You are the only one for me." I didn't pick her out of twelve... I picked her out of millions.

So did you.

We just went about it differently

... in response to Response to SteveM's re: "The One&q..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

Well now,

First, I am honored to have my name in a thread posted here.  Usually that happens when someone is being flamed, so I am doubly lucky.

I have always tried to make it clear that my case was not very typical.  I wasn't looking for a Russian wife (or a wife at all), when I met mine.  I had been a single father for seven years (since my son was two), and had concluded that life was going to stay like that for the forseeable future.

Now, I wasn't as careful as I could have been with my response to Chip.  Certainly, I don't advocate going over there to meet just one person, with no back up plans, if your objective is to search for, and eventually find, a Russian wife.

But, I think it is important to keep in mind that sometimes you are dealing with real women, with real feelings.  So to me, what you have said to her in your communications before meeting her makes a big difference in how you handle a trip over.

If you said, "I think you are my angel, and I hope we can be together forever", then it isn't hard to understand why she doesn't want to be the third woman you meet when you come over.  If you said, "I am looking for a wife, and I think you are really great.  You are someone I would really like to meet", then OK.

In other words, the nature of your relationship, such as it is, before your trip should have a big impact on how you plan things there.  If you have been telling someone that she is your number one, and you have been corresponding with others "just in case", then number one should get the shot at being number one, don't you think?

If, on the other hand, you haven't decided who number one is yet, and several possibilities are enticing, then hopefully you haven't said anything to any of them about being your one true love.  Because that wouldn't be honest or considerate...

I understand it is hard to tell if it is for real.  I was lucky in that respect as well.  We had two months of access to an online chat when she had a job in Moscow.  She also had a phone at home, so we were able to talk at least a couple of times a week for the three months before I went over to meet her the first time.  Still, we both knew there was a possibility that things wouldn’t be very magic upon arrival.

But that is a chance we both decided to take.  And that is (finally, I know) my last point.  The discussion on this board understandably focuses on the great effort and resources involved in making a trip over, with the obvious implication that it is just too much to do to meet only one person.  Please remember, however, that the hoped-for end result is your sweetheart’s commitment to make an even more difficult journey, with even greater sacrifices, to be with you in America.  It means giving up jobs, apartments, family and friends, culture, language and comfort.

For most couples, there will be some very challenging times together, particularly during the first few months.  We certainly questioned the wisdom of what we had done more than once after she came over.  But neither of us had considered other choices, so there was no “maybe I should have picked him/her instead”.

We got through those periods, and life has been very good to us.  I wish the same for all of you—particularly the single dads—no matter what course you take to find it.

Steve M.

... in response to "The One" or More--It Matters ..., posted by SteveM on Feb 10, 2002

I think we are in violent agreement here :-)

... in response to "The One" or More--It Matters ..., posted by SteveM on Feb 10, 2002

One slight correction from showing my wife the previous post that started this thread:

"I still might have come to meet you if I knew you were meeting other women, but I certainly wouldn't have slept with you"

Without betraying my attempts to be a gentlemen, let me simply say that would have been an indescribable loss :-)

Steve M.

... in response to One More Thing, posted by SteveM on Feb 10, 2002


And I understand her point as well, and I think men who go over to see more than one should be prepared to be celibate on that trip.

To me, this speaks highly of the character of your wife who would not have tried to use sex to "clinch the deal." Some women would.

Although... just for arguments sake.. it wouldn't have been a loss... merely a postponement :-)

... in response to Response to SteveM's re: "The One&q..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

I think each person will have a somewhat different experience.  While a few have had a success by only going to meet that 1...I do not think most will experience that.  That is really a "leap of faith" as opposed to logic.  Of course romance and love an attraction have never been logical.  For a few it may work and I have no doubt of that.  The question of course is...are you feeling lucky???  When Deckard recently quit his job and left to spend a couple months with just 1 girl...many thought this to be unwise.  Of course we do not experience the quality or the "magic" of his communications which made him to decide to go to spend time with this 1 girl and her family.  He seems to have had a rich and wonderful experience.

Others have gone to meet that 1 girl and it has been very disappointing for them.  essentially,  they thought there was a very good "chemistry" in their letters...but in person,  it was a very different story.  Coupla grand down the drain.

Again,  one can go to meet 12 different ladies there and not have a high interest level in any of them.  Or they in you.  So,  good luck in whatever strategy or pragmatism you use...but love and romance does have a mind of its own.

... in response to Response to SteveM's re: "The One&q..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

Wholeheartedly agree.

... in response to Response to SteveM's re: "The One&q..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

....excellent advice. (Gotcha!)

Darn it, it appears I'll have to compliment you on this one, very well said indeed. Lol, to think along these lines it appears you've been hit with the frisbee once or twice yourself.

Serioulsy though, very well said, and your post below to Chip is even better.

... in response to What a load of........, posted by LP on Feb 9, 2002


As Ben Franklin put it: "Experience is a hard road, but a fool doth learn by no other..."

I've done some miles on that road, I will admit...

But, LP... don't you go and get all mushy on me.

Before you know it we'll both be accused of being Jack or something... :-)

... in response to Been hit with a Frisbee MANY times, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

.....mushy is not in my genetic makeup. Even if it was and it got around, I'd deny everything.

But I will acknowedge good posts when I see them and your's were just that.

lol, works both ways however, next time I may not be so kind. :-)

... in response to lol, no...., posted by LP on Feb 9, 2002

You wouldn't know a good post if it bit you on the arse. I have been following this board for a long time and you give the worst advice of anyone. There is another guy that posts here and his story is just like yours. "I am great". "I am old, but good looking". "I know more about women than anybody". The one thing that you and this other guy have in common is that you always have at least one "lol" in all your posts. It really gets old.

Anybody that believes all your bull about having $50 million dollars will believe anything. Just look at the inconsistencies in your posts. You say you like to keep your status secret, but you tell these big whoppers about having $50 million, and the most laughable part was when you posted your history of failed romances. I have to admit that was pretty funny. Your true self comes through in your posts. Ask any psychologist why someone brags. They will be glad to tell you that bragging is how insecure people assuage their feelings of insecurity.

I guess the true lp came out when you made jokes about a 91 year old man with alzheimers. That shows your true colors. Go ahead and explain that. You can't deny it because it is in the arhives.

I wonder how Patrick feels about your "Mexican" comment. Or better yet, why don't you go post that on the Latin Board? I do believe Patrick's wife is hispanic.

Cheers

Kevin

PS:You can put all your lols and anti-Texas crap, but you leave your own profile blank.

... in response to lp the Norwegian internet hero., posted by Reagan on Feb 9, 2002

...one stupid MoFo ain'tcha? I'll say one thing for you, at least you're consistent.

You can't even connect my respones to your posts. If you could, and have read this board for so long, you would understand the $50 mil comment doesn't relate to my assets.

Bragging and self confidence are two different things, you slack jawed yokel (lol). Self confidence is required in my profession. You need to get some and then you'd understand. You would also have avoided having to go across the pond to find some "babe" to be put up with your back forty mentality. Man, she must be a real piece of work.

Hey, thanx for the compliments! I'm not that old but, yeah, they all tell me I'm pretty good looking. I be aging pretty well, me thinks. Send me a pic and we'll compare notes, eh?

As for my profile, I'm not stupid enough to post my email or details because I know better. Seems you don't. My Mexican comment was intended to show they speak better English than you, I happen to live in a place that is mostly Hispanic.

Hey, how come you never tell us about yourself? What you do, about your "russian babe" (lol, what a neaderthal), ect. At least folks here know about me. What do you do, sell propane and propane accessories?

I've had more job related shrink evals in 20 years than you will have in a lifetime. The gum'mint you love so much says I'm good to go every single day. Say, what do shrinks say about people who have an inability to control their anger? lol, ya gotta do better than this pardner, it's pretty weak.

As for explaining a 91 year old with Alzheimer's, thats easy: Hinkley used a .22 when he should have used something that would have gotten the job done.

As for Patrick, maybe ya didn't read his post about less tolerance with guys like you? Never mind, I know you can be depended on to keep me laughing. Have at it, but don't expect anymore from me.

lol, lol (extra one just for you)....Alpha Mike Foxtrot.

... in response to lol, you really are..., posted by LP on Feb 9, 2002

You got a little defensive about the $50 mil didn't you?

LOL! You know LP, you really ought to stop telling such big whoppers!LOL!

You better get your nitro tablets ready if you are going to get that worked up! LOL.

Cheers

Kevin

... in response to He he he, posted by Reagan on Feb 9, 2002

You might want to go back and re-read what LP write. He *never* claimed to have $50 M - though I am pretty sure I know how you drew that conclusion.

Seriously - go back and re-read it - and maybe a few prior posts so that you have an understanding of LP's vocation - then you will see how your flawed assumption is misleading your argument.

- Dan

... in response to Kevin - Oh Kevin . . ., posted by Dan on Feb 9, 2002

....he ain't worth it. I give up on him.

I simply try to make him understand his error and he thinks he got me wound up. Couldn't be further from the truth. lol, in fact, his reply takes three tries, a sure sign he is the one sputtering like a frieght train pulling a string of cattle cars.

Even though I won a few bucks off him last week, he is a no talent when it comes to jerkin my chain. He doesn't know how much training in human behavior I've had in the careers you know about so it's a riot when he falls so easily for the basics. Like all common denominators, he's pretty predictable.

Let him go, I'm done with him. Patrick will just get pissed anyway.
lol! He even thinks AMF is something a kid would say. :-)

... in response to Forget him Danny..., posted by LP on Feb 9, 2002

had to pay jj/max for stud service and need some lunch money, can I borrow a million until next week?

... in response to LP, I'm a little short this week, posted by Jack on Feb 9, 2002

...geez Jack, you know I don't deal in petty cash!

OK, but its gonna cost you two of your best scammer's addresses.

I assume you want it in small unmarked bills, like always? ;-)

... in response to lol, you really are..., posted by LP on Feb 9, 2002

LOL!

But we all know you are just talk.

LOL!

(I put that in there because LOL seems to be your favorite term)

Cheers

Kevin

... in response to lol, you really are..., posted by LP on Feb 9, 2002

No you are really one stupid Mofo as you say in your immature lingo. How could anybody connect your nonsense to anything? As for slack jawed, you seem to be looking at your self-portrait again. As for self confidence, you must not have any if all you can do is slam other people with unprovable generalizations. That is a typical response of un uneducated man. As for going across the pond, I have been across several and it is always easy to recognize a BS artist like you. You are all talk and no substance. I won't even go into defending my girl as she is ten times better than anything that would spit on the likes of a bigot blowhard like you. I can tell you all the great things about my life and look just as stupid as you, but I won't stoop to your level. Let me just say this, I have had a fabulous life here the country you love to hate. Go ahead and attack that and say it is a lie. Oh by the way, I would never claim to have a back forty, your comments show that you are the undisputed champion of backward thinking and bigotry on this board. Go ahead and deny that. Your posts full of unprovable generalizations about the US, Texas, Mexicans, ect are all over the archives.

As for me loving the government, well, there you go again with your fabrications. Once again the archives will show that phrase is your creation, not mine. If you want to set the record straight, I simply said I get tired of insecure Canadians that dog out my country.

Oh, one last one for you.

Golf Foxtrot Yankee.

Oh, let me use some of your teenchat lingo. LOL

Cheers

Kevin

... in response to Re: lol, you really are..., posted by Reagan on Feb 9, 2002

whats your problem.

... in response to Response to SteveM's re: "The One&q..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

That usually seems to be one of the real traits that aw like to idolize in their prosepctive men.  But wtf?  I've heard it from all, but yet because maybe I'm a little bit sedintary in my lifestyle, (not in enthusiasm for it though), I get passed up for joe and his vette... and then all of that dumps out later on.

Hmmm.. I figure I just need megabucks and a hot new car.  That's the ticket.  Totin' my kid with me.  I'm sure they'll look a little closer then right?

Great post.

The romantic pragmatist.

... in response to Single dad's galore.., posted by BrianN on Feb 9, 2002

Yeah...

After my experience in Russia, I turned to an American Site. Matchmaker.com for awhile.

Read the profiles...

"Love a man who is great with kids", "Confident", "Not into Jerks or Macho Men", "Looks aren't as important to me as what is inside"

Blah, blah, blah...

But guess who got all of the dates on Matchmaker? Young jerks with moussed hair, tight T-shirts, and a camero or something.

Funny thing... I had a good run looking for women who's membership was about to expire (they posted that on MM)

I would write them and say: "I see your membership is about to expire. Haven't found the right guy yet? Would you like to have coffee and talk about it?"

I had a tremendous success rate with that.

Problem is, they wanted to vent. Went on and on about all of the young stud-muffins they dated from MM. Then at the end of the date, they would say that they would love to get together with me again, I wasn't like them.

Problem was, by then, alarm bells were ringing in my head:

"Warning! Warning Will Robinson. Danger! Danger! High Maintenance, spoiled brat. Run for your life!"

Kinda funny in a sad, pathetic sort of way...

... in response to You too?, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

I was on MM for about 3 years. It's pretty pathetic when the women who resemble wart hogs have an attitude. I did meet a few ok girls, but mostly what they wanted was to get laid once in a while and they wanted to play the field with a bunch of different guys in the sack. These were thirtysomethings without kids. I would here this type of wishy-washy pathetic whine from them. "Yeah, I want to have kids some day", "well maybe but not now", "I just want to have fun and travel, kids later", "I'll have a kid after a few more years developing my career". I dated this beautiful gal who was 40(I was 36) one time. She was a 6', much taller than I. The sweetest gal. Beautiful slender tight body. I asked her about children one day, and she had a tear. She said that she was definately too old for kids and that she regrets focusing on her career so hard that she missed out on a marriage and family life. She said that all she wants is a steady lover/boyfriend that doesn't have any expectations of permanent commitment. Very sad.

That is the cesspool AW are laying in.

-blm

... in response to I have the same experience with MM, posted by BarryM on Feb 9, 2002

Just casually started to read your little story... It is sad, i think that beautiful gal was a little bit selfish and especially scared, having career is not exuse for not having a family! Woman can't cancel what she is suppose to exists for. I think the best way to deal with situation like his is- to have a kid when you are still young, healthy and after you are done with that, start a career,  you don't have to be a single to be a cool bissnes woman, it doesn't have to bother! I am just saying that it is much more easeir to have a "bottom" and start to grow, it is like a seed at first which become a plant afterwads.
Me, for example, I am just young, don't have a career yet, but if I am married and have a son, it doesn't mean I died, It doesn't ruin anything! It is my fortress! My power!:)))It makes me more responsible for things now!!!
Well guys, I am still going on!!!! Is is just sad that most of women think about career first, it is very hard after having a baby to come back in the shape mentaly and phisically too when you are old and it is like you even didn't have this career ever... Just doesn't make any sense.

... in response to Re: I have the same experience with MM, posted by Oksana on Feb 9, 2002


Of course it doesn't make sense to you Oksana...

And that is EXACTLY why your Jeff was willing to travel 7000 miles to find you!  :-)

And, it seems that it was a journey well worth it.

Back here in America, women have been taught that to want to be a good mother and wife is the same thing as accepting slavery. Any woman who says that she wants to be a mother is ridiculed in our society.

It's not entirely their fault. It is what they are taught here from a very young age...

... in response to Doesn't make sense to YOU Oksana, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

I am not even close to slavery!! I just mean, that even if it happend to you, it is not the end of the world, well, I am taught too but not  about slavery!! They are just tauht to be selfish they are afraid of giving, but when you don't give you actually don't get  it is like a natural law! AW aren't any smarter than me!!! But still, I met some even good of them who got married early, and they don't think they are slaves! Even one of my age who has two kids!!!
I have even something for example...OK my Jeff's ex.... she had 17 guys before my Jeff, they could have her as much as they wanted and how they wanted....I think this kind of woman who can be a slave + dirty slave. I have never been like this!!! It is too cheap and accessible!!! I think man should be worth to get a woman, he has to wait (Jeff waited for 2 month since I came here and only after wedding got what he deserved), I think Jeff was worth it' because he tried hard and I appriciated it. He have made for me everything what I wanted and i still get whatever I want, he does it for me and I give him care and love back! Do you think it is slavery to be protected and taken care of? I don't think so, not in my situation!:)))And he doesn't think he is a slave, we enjoy of giving!
I don't mean that I don't do anything for him, i still clean, take care of the house wash clothes take care of the baby, all this usual kind of stuff which even any single woman would do. I also have time to take care of myself, and I always have time for everything i like, we go out, today we went to play bowling... Yyy.. i loved that game, baby was with us, didn't bother at all!:)
It is really hard to say that I am like a slave, I am pretty good, I think any AW would envy!!:)))
I also liked to work here, it is goog to have your own bank account and your own money, so you can buy something for your honey on Val. day:))
Well, it doesn't make any sense anyway, even if they think it does!!!:))) They think it is  freedom being a single and a hook-hook girl....ha! Nonsense! Nonesene at all! :)))) ha-ha!!!

... in response to Re: Doesn't make sense to YOU Oksana, posted by Oksana on Feb 9, 2002

Jeff's ex sounds pretty wild.  My wife got to be like that after I divorced her.  She was trying to prove to herself how attractive she was.  Her nickname at work became the swinging divorcee'.  It was tough for me to hear that stuff too.

... in response to You're a great girl, keep posting, posted by BubbaGump on Feb 10, 2002

Yak! I don'think she was that attractive, and this kind of women, at all, remind me female-dogs. Wuff-wuff!:)))

... in response to Re: Doesn't make sense to YOU Oksana, posted by Oksana on Feb 9, 2002

And I will now never again look at an AW without thinking:

She is really just a hook-hook girl :-)

Thank you for the phrase. It is just perfect!

... in response to Doesn't make sense to YOU Oksana, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

Ordinary common sense things make sense to them.

... in response to Doesn't make sense to YOU Oksana, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

The 1960's created a culture of rebellion that changed a lot of peoples perceptions of society. The 1960's generation would deny this, but it was the most self-indulgent, hypocritical, and self destructive period socially that the world has ever experienced. They abandoned the legacy that the WWII and depression generation had given them for their own greed. We are still suffering the cancers of that generation.

-blm

... in response to I have the same experience with MM, posted by BarryM on Feb 9, 2002

...only in America.  

Heard that sad tale many times before with older women waiting too long to have children.  I had one girlfriend that I really got along well with and I wanted to marry her but she had gotten to the point where she wanted to keep going with her career and forget about kids.  Some of these Russian women look like they waited too long to have kids too.

... in response to Wart hogs with attitude...., posted by BubbaGump on Feb 9, 2002

This is just my opinion, and I am more comfortable with my plans then with theirs! It wouldn't bother her( your girlfriend) to have kids if she is strong enough. But i don't know, never mind.....

... in response to You too?, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

AND I'LL TELL ALL OF THEM TO GO TO HELL!  THEY WANNA CHASE THE FAST DREAMY LIFESTYLE AND FORGET THE FAMILY OF IT ALL!!!!

CALL ME A LOSER?? BUT THEY WANTED KIDS AND A HOUSE AND YET IN THEIR MANIC DEPRESSION THEY CAN'T FIND STRENGTH OR PATIENCE TO FIGURE IT OUT IN THE LONG RUN.. SO THEY RUN ANYWAY FOR THE THRILL OF IT ALL???

THAT'S WHAT BEING MARRIED IS ALL ABOUT... WORKING IT OUT BECAUSE THERE IS A COMMITMENT.

Oh... well...

Maybe I'm just confused and lost in it all...

... in response to YEAH, Give ME a moment to VENT!!, posted by BrianN on Feb 9, 2002

This is just attitude about the marriage, people get married because they love spending time together, because they trust each other, because they want to give the best of themselfs to each other because they want to have strong feelings in joy and sorrow!! If I would have attitude to the marriage like to the something bad.... i would never get married! I would never take advantage of marriage and never let anybody to do it either toward to me!!! I would use different way if i would want something else, and ONLY I would work on it. But to hurt a person... God sees everything anyway, early or late you can get punished anyway, so it is better and SMARTER be honest with youself and your partner!!!!!
Yes, you are confused!!:))))But not lost!

... in response to YEAH, Give ME a moment to VENT!!, posted by BrianN on Feb 9, 2002

Sheesh Brian...

Don't hold back now...

Tell us how you REALLY feel...

... in response to Response to SteveM's re: "The One&q..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

excellent post!

... in response to Response to SteveM's re: "The One&q..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

Mark:

You said in one letter what I've been trying to say in ten.

I'm also a single Dad. A big part of my decision making is finding a woman who is also a Mom, and who will be as loving to my children as I will be to her child.

I would love to be romantic in this venture, but I have to be very practical. I don't feel I have the luxury of five years to find a partner. I'm 39. I need to get my family life back on track. My son does not have a female parent in the home. I still feel badly that I told S that I would see others while in Russia. But, it's the truth. I can't put all my hopes that S will be as terrific as she sounds.

... in response to Re: Response to SteveM's re: "The O..., posted by ChipShot on Feb 8, 2002

It's amazing...

I'm a single dad. I was 40 when I went to St. Petersburg. One of the compelling reasons was that I wanted a woman's influence in my daughter's life.

Eerie.

But I commend you. I'm telling you, you are doing the right thing. Now do yourself a favor.

Take a deep breath and repeat this to yourself:

"I don't NEED to find a mother for my son. We're doing fine."

Keep repeating that. DON'T make the mistake I made. I married someone (an AW) because I thought my daughter needed a mother. It taught me one bitter and painful lesson:

No mother is inifinitely better than the wrong mother. I would do anything to turn back the clock and undo some of the pain that my daughter went through by being rejected by my second wife.

Thirty nine is still young. Maria was 23 (lied to me about it and told me she was 25) when she answered my personal ad. She saw absolutely nothing wrong with being with a 40 year old man. That seems to be the banner year for them, though. (BTW, she was NOT just hitching up with me because she thought I was rich. Go back and read my trip report. She was sincere in her feelings towards me...)

Take your time, and relax. Go and enjoy your trip. Put no pressure on yourself at all. Believe in God. If it is meant to be, it will be.

I know how hard it is to be a single dad. But, you're doing fine. Your son is all right. I can say that without ever having met you. Because I know the road you've walked...

-Mark

PS: Where and when are you going to Ukraine?

... in response to Chip, Your situation is startingly simil..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

Thanks, Mark.

Yes, our journey is probably very similar. I agree with you, my son and I are doing great. We sat together tonight, watched the Olympic ceremony, and I carried him to bed after he fell asleep. Not a bad night. :)

It's funny. A big reason why I became interested in finding a partner in the FSU was the idea that, alongside with intelligence, beauty, and cultural attractiveness, I saw women similarly situated to me. Women with a younger child, who had been left to care for the child essentially alone.
Instead of blending my family with an AW, who might be also sharing custody with ex-husband, and his new wife, and their three kids, and vacations splitting time, amnd Christmas splitting time, and revolving door child visitations...aahhh...the ideas was that I would welcome an FSU woman and her child to my home, and we would build a life together. A simple idea, that just might work.

Mark, I enjoy all of your posts. Always intelligent, well reasoned, and helpful.

I'm destined to Russia on my next trip. Arriving SVO. I also have a list (shame on me..:) ) of ladies in Ukraine, and if I can wrangle child care, I'll visit there, too, this summer.

Always, I'd be happy to hear more about your thoughts and experiences. Many thanks.

... in response to Re: Chip, Your situation is startingly s..., posted by ChipShot on Feb 9, 2002

That is the one thing which keeps bringing me back to the idea of a foreign bride:

I can do the blended family with no EX's in the picture.

I would never steal another man's child from him. (In fact, I broke up with an amazing Latina lady who lived the next state over because of that...)

But if he abandoned his child, I would love to have another kid in my home. My daughter would love a brother or a sister.

However... my second marriage did teach me this (and I guess some would disagree with this...)

I will only take a woman with A) one child and B) the same age or younger than my daughter.

Reasons:

Why only one?

If she has two children, they will form a "block" and your kid will be an outsider in her own home. That's what happened to my daughter in my second marriage. She felt like the four of us (my wife, her two boys and me) formed the family unit, and she just "lived there." Broke my heart when she told me that one day...

Why only same age or younger?

Two reasons: First, my daughter is 8. If I brought a Russian kid over who was 12 or something, and didn't speak English... it will be hard for him to adjust. This will make it harder for the mom to adjust as well. (Don't all parents feel guilt over things they put their children through?) But, besides that... there is something about being the eldest child. My daughter, being an only child, fits into that in the birth order. If I suddenly make her the baby of the family, it changes the dynamics too much. That might just be a "my daughter" thing. But I think she will be happier by far with a younger sibling than an older one...

Some decisions I made, FWIW

BTW... how old is your son?

... in response to Yes! Exactly!, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

"That might just be a "my daughter" thing. But I think she will be happier by far with a younger sibling than an older one...

Some decisions I made, FWIW

BTW... how old is your son?"

Hi, Mark.

I agree with you. my sense is that my son, who is 10, will enjoy having a younger brother or sister. In a way, the new brother will need to adapt and learn, and it might be hard for a 12 year old FSU boy to take instructions from my 10 year old. My son enjoys being around his younger cousins, so it seems like a younger child is a good fit.

It also occurred to me that it might be an easier adjustment for a woman in the US to have her child with her, to at least share the language, and to minimize the feelings of isolation in  a new country. Of course, I will put all my energy into helping her feel at home, but perhaps having her child will be a comfortable way to start a new life.

Another point. When I spoke to S last weekend, I asked her about her child's father. I expected her to say he had moved on, and wasn't around. I learned that he still lives in her city, and spends a lot of time with the daughter. Picks her up from school, etc. I told S that was a wonderful thing, that he stayed involved in her life. In my mind, though, it made me feel as though there will be complications involving the child. First, I would not want to be party to distancing a child from the father, if he is a loving father, even if S decided it was OK to do. Second, the father might intervene in the K-1 process, and refuse to allow the child to emigrate, or he might demand compensation, as I have heard happen. I'm glad I asked S about this, and will explore this question more.

... in response to Re: Yes! Exactly!, posted by ChipShot on Feb 9, 2002


Yes, I have had this struggle, too.

Let me tell you about the woman I referenced a couple of posts up.

I met a lady who was orginally from Argentina, but who had lived in this country since she was five. She spoke fluent Spanish, Fluent English (no trace of an accent) and fluent french. She was one year away from finishing her PHd, and had a thriving business as a physical therapist. She was a wonderful woman, highly intelligent, with good character, and oh yeah, by the way, she was a model, as well.

Perfect?

Except that she had a daughter. And she and her ex-husband shared joint custody. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't live in Louisiana. Which meant that if this woman and I had gotten married, I would be taking a little girl away from her father. I found out while we were dating that her little girl loved her father, and enjoyed the time she spent at his house.

How could I do to another man what I would NEVER let someone do to me?

When I broke it off, she couldn't believe it. She thought I was crazy for making a decision based on her child's well-being. That was not my call to make, in her opinion. It was hers.

But, I don't see it that way. I have to live with all of my decisions.

If S's child has a great relationship with her father... that's tough. So many men are MIA after the divorce, that if her ex husband isn't, it may say a lot about him. (And, of course the corollary is: If he is a man of good character... why are they divorced???)

As for the thought that a child here may help the woman adapt, it is a two edged sword. It could help her. Or it could give them both a feeling of "We're in this together... you and me against America..."

Believe me, the lines of demarkation in a "Blended-Family" are always visible, and is the largest challenge you have. How do you break down those walls, so the family can be one?

Having a different language spoken in the house that only half of the family understands is a great concern of mine.

Though, I agree, the plus side is that at least they have someone to talk to...

It's tough. It really is...

... in response to More thoughts on Children, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

generally they're married to the ex as well.

Nothing wrong with that as long as all can get along.

... in response to When one marry's someone else's ex,, posted by BrianN on Feb 10, 2002

It wasn't a question of getting along with the Ex.

If I married the woman, his daughter would have gone from seeing her dad every week -- all week -- to every other weekend.

I wouldn't do that