Planet-Love.com Searchable Archives

As in all relationships, as time goes on, and affection increases, new information comes out, naturally. This week, I spoke with S about her child, and S tells me that the father an dthe child are close, and that he lives in the city and visits with child each week. The child and the father are close.

In my head, I hear sound of brakes screeching, and skidmarks left in my head. How could I marry S, and bring the child to US, and thus, deprive this child of relationship with her father. Impossible. I think Mark mentioned in an earlier post, that were we in his (FSU Dad's) shoes, we go to extremes to keep our kids close. I would.

I think this is a deal breaker. Even if S and I hit it off, and she is as wonderful as she seems, how could I do anything to interefere with the child and her father? Impossible. I may be travelling to Ipsilanti this March, instead.:))

Thanks, Group, for listenting. I feel sometimes like I'm in a 12 step group. :))

Hi, I'm Chip, and I like FSU women.  "Hi, Chip"

I said more on "The One" thread below, but wanted to thank you for a most worthwhile discussion with my wife this morning.  She asked me "What is it with all the single dads looking for RW's?".  I said that based on my experience, it was probably just process of elimination:

1.  AW without kids usually aren't thrilled with you having full-time responsibilities.

2.  Divorced AW who share the kids still want you to have a night every week and every other weekend free.

3.  Divorced AW with full-time kids usually had bad experiences with the father or other men.  Plus, some of them want someone without kids who will care about theirs only.

So, it makes sense to be interested in divorced RW with kids.  I agree the active interest of the father throws a curve ball into things.  Hard to see where it will all come out.

But a curious thing happened once S and you started talking again.  Gone were the posts about all of the other options, and the focus on your true interest returned.  I hope that your interest is rewarded, whether it be from a happy meeting between you two, or the emergence of something else if that doesn't turn out to be the right thing for everybody involved.

Good luck,

Steve M.

We *LIKE* being dads. The thought of having another child in my home is not one I dread. I welcome it. If I can have that child without having to deal with the Ex.. .that is SO much better.

It is like adopting a child, which is a wonderful experience!

The hope is that the RW, with more traditional values, will have the same feelings towards my child that I hope to have towards hers.

You are right in your other assessments. On Matchmaker, some of the "30 something -- sex and the city" type girls actualy have in their profile: "I am looking for a man who has never been married before and has no kids. I don't want a man with baggage..."

Contrast that to the typical RW's reaction.. after she gets over the shock of the fact that I have custody, she says: "This is unheard of here. My ex left, and pays me nothing to even help out. I haven't seen him in ____ years!  You sound like a wonderful man..."

Awww.... shucks ;-)

You know it's funny... here in America... I had a woman contact Me on MM... we corresponded a while. Then she re-read my profile and said: "You have a child who lives with you???"

"No. I have my daughter who lives with me."

"Oh. Well, I was looking for someone free-er"

"No baggage huh?"

"Well... yeah."

"Let me save you some trouble then. If you think --FOR ONE MINUTE-- that my daughter, who is the most precious thing in the world to me, is "BAGGAGE" then I not only don't want to date you... I don't even want to KNOW you!"

And I hung up the phone on her. And I NEVER do that. But she p!ssed me off.

But Chip's situation is a bit different.  In his case, the child of his LDR already has a Dad, a Dad the child is close to according to him.  As such, Chip may never be accepted by the child as a new dad (as might be the case of a child that never met his or her sperm donor), but rather the guy that Mom's boffing and who took the child away from his real Dad.

Tapping the brakes and down-shifting might not be such a bad idea IMNSHO.

Which was the subject of this thread...

Almost none of the MM $luts I knew thought it was right for a father to have custody of kids. Almost all of them were moderate to extreme feminazis.

-blm

You might try this... if you really like her...

Meet her. See if the magic is there. (If not, then it's not a problem, anyway...)

And, if there is something there, then ask to talk to the little girl's dad.

He might be willing to make the sacrifice for his daughter, because he knows she will have a better opportunity in America. (Or, maybe he stays in the girl's life out of guilt and would be secretly relieved to have someone assume the burden...)

You never know... But I WOULD want to talk to him, man to man. (Also, have you asked the mother why they divorced? It's always good to know these things. If you meet him, you might want to ask him, too. Not all RM are monsters, by a long shot!)

If he is still in the girl's life, you need to know what his take on all of this is, anyway. He can put up a fight to keep her in Russia.

Of course, if you go ahead with your meeting... you do risk falling in love with someone that you will have to break up with because it is the right thing to do.

I have been THERE, too. It isn't fun, but hang tight to your moral compass, and it's not as hard as you think...

But if you really think you have something with her... don't stop now. Find out more. You can always make the decision to stop later.

BTW... does this mean that you two are talking again?

Yes, we are still talking. I truly wondered whether I would hear from her,. after i told her that I intnded to see others on the trip. I affirmed for her that I was taking the trip, at all, because I wanted to be with her, but I also felt that I needed to be straightforward.

She wrote me to say that in her heart, she was not happy to know that I would be doing this. She then said that she very much agreed that honesty was very important to her, and was glad that I was honest. She still very much wants to see me, and I'm glad that I cleared the air. I think she'll come to Moscow with fewer bells ringing in her heart, but maybe this is better. There really are so many good, romantic hearts out there...

I suppose I should be fortunate that I have had nice response from some very nice, well educated, attractive ladies. I enjoy the letter writing and the phone conversations. It's very hard to be loving and funny on the phone, also knowing there are other ladies of interest. It speaks to the fact that until one is in the room, knows better the personality, and even has met the family, one really doesn't know whether she is the "one" or could be the one. I feel like I'm walking a thin line between developing real heart connections, and being dishonest. So, I'm just being honest about my travel plans, and hoping the girls with romatic hearts don't see this as scamming, on my part. We men can be heart scammers, too.

And unhappily, every man must walk that line alone.

Everyone has a different moral compass to guide him here.

To my way of thinking, though, if I am honest up front -- not only with her -- but with ME as well -- and I am TRULY going to see if we are a match... then I am not a scammer, because I am sincere.

I may be sincerely wrong. There is no helping that. But a scammer, to me, enters into the relationship with no intention of doing anything but trying to see what they can get out of it.

That to me is at the root of all scams...

All the best to you, Chip.

Huggs and kisses,...Ruby

Maybe I should change my name to Dale or something.

Then Chip and I can go on tour...

Thank you for the offer. Presently, my head is spinning, though I am sure you are wonderful. My good friend Mark, however, is available, and I'd like you to meet him.:)

LOL... well... shucks... I think I must be too old for her at 41!

Hey... I'm hoping you DID at least write her. You never know!

Forty one is perfect. I'll see to it that you will be rewarded with forty one virgins.

XOX,.....Ruby

I don't think I can handle that many.

You don't mean all at once, do you???

Taking the child away from her Father is just one of MANY things that need to be discussed thouroughly between you and "S".  Go to meet her.  See what happens.  Talk about the child and how "S" feels about things.  This is an important one that does need to be discussed.  You are asking and answering yourself at this point and you need to get 3 other people's input ("S", the Father and the child)  Being a Father myself, I would have to consider the fact that my child would have a much better future life in the distant country before I began to kick too much about losing the contact with my child.  You also have to take into consideration that "S" and child will be making trips back to Russia for visits.  Depending upon the childs age, summer vacations could also be arrainged for time with the Father.
KenC

I have heard of a number of K-1 women who did not emigrate, because the father intervened, and fiance in America wouldn't pay a big bribe. In my case, father seems to truly love the child, so that is my real concern. If my lady simply told him she was leaving, with the child, he might hire attorney in the city, and there would be such roadblocks that I don't think I'd be willing to fight the fight. Father could still find his way to US, and make trouble, too. Better that my lady has a no show former husband, I think, but Steve is right to say I need more information before making an impulsive judgment on this. As Mark said, would you travel 7000 miles for this lady? Yes, but not if there will be big legal issues...