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Hi group. Im fairly new to the group, and have a question. I'm just engaged to a lady from Russia, and now that I am at home (Oklahoma), I am wonderign whether to talk with my lady about rules for faithfulness while were waiting for the visa to go thru. I get the picture that RW do not feel being unfaithful or having a boyfriend "at home." is wrong. How have others handled this, and do our Russian ladies all have BFs in there village, and just being in love with us for marriage. This really bothers me.

... in response to Fiance Infidelity?, posted by ChipShot on Dec 12, 2001

How old are you? Her? How long did you know each other? How did you find her? Speak up, we'd like to know who you are...

... in response to Fiance Infidelity?, posted by ChipShot on Dec 12, 2001

People are different and thus some UK/RW will be very negative about infidelity because of what they have seen.

When I asked the lady that I had visited twice (things did not work out for us) what was most important to her and what was her greatest concern - she stated it was that I would be faithful to her.

Her first husband was a nice guy but a serious drunk.

Her second husband was unfaithful and it tore her up. She ultimately left him over this. She shared with me that when she complained about this to her mother and friends, many simply said that she was being over reactive about it as though she should just accept it.

Another point, these women do not seem to think there is anything wrong with sleeping with a married man. The problem would not exist if the women were not so willing to participate.

Another thing, when life is difficult or the future is not so rosy in that it seems that struggle and difficulty will continue to be one's future - people turn to what gives them pleasure. Sex is something that does that and it is something that does not cost money like a nice meal.

Back to my point - So, there are women that feel it is better just to tolerate it and it is fact that many people will then decide that if he can do it so will I. How ingrained is this? Will she not feel this way if you are faithful, or will she wonder if you are faithful when in fact you are. Will she think that is no big deal to have a romp in the hay with another man while married to you?

You can only know what you yourself might do in any situation - you can never be sure about someone else.

... in response to Fiance Infidelity?, posted by ChipShot on Dec 12, 2001

You cannot tell..........
If she is a woman she can leave you for another man, woman, or large dog. The same with you. Many AM write these girls and find somwething they like a littl sweeter and dump the one they had been writing and professing love too for the last 6 month.
There is no gaurantee. This is not going to be easy and any rules that you have a fantasy of existing in relationship and blatantly obvious when you enter THIS arena.
Good Luck, and just have fun-be honest and treat all people with respect----------and most of all take responsibility for your life.
Joe
ps Like Kierkegard says, 'just because it happens to everyone else-does not mean it is going to happen to me'!

... in response to Fiance Infidelity?, posted by ChipShot on Dec 12, 2001

Wouldn't you like to be married to a lady who has a good sex drive?  And if she has a good sex drive, what is she supposed to do with it during the months she is 'in waiting' for you?

What is wrong with her having some fun on dates up to the point that you put the wedding ring on her finger?  Those parts don't actually 'wear out.'  Just leave her alone and don't ask her to tell you what she might be doing.

And likewise after the marriage, try to keep things interesting for her and it will cut down on the chances for her to be looking elsewhere.

Bring it on guys and gals!!!  Liven things up.

JR

... in response to Just to stir things up a bit !!, posted by juio99 on Dec 13, 2001

Well if you really want to stir it up I'll bite. Your proposal is stupid. And this from several different perspectives: aside from the fact that past and present conduct is the best indicator of future behavior, I don't think too many men (or women) would appreciate having their risk of HIV increased after an agreement to marry for the sake of "staying in practice." Throw in the possibility of pregnancy (FSUW are poor practitioers of birth control) and the inevitable abortion (their preferred method of birth control) and you have quite the engagement period extravaganza.

Are you not aware of the rate of HIV infection in FSU?

... in response to Just to stir things up a bit !!, posted by juio99 on Dec 13, 2001

Maybe you know him?

... in response to Fiance Infidelity?, posted by ChipShot on Dec 12, 2001

I agree with others that you probably should have already feel comfortable with this issue.  If you felt she would fool around on you then you would not be engaged, right?

But since you are engaged I would have to say you should definitely know where she stands on this point, although keep in mind that if she was or planned or would fool around on you then she would only tell you what you wanted to hear anyway.  

The thing you have to figure out is "What kind of girl is she, and do you trust her with your heart"  If you are struggling with this issue then I would suggest another visit with her and spend some real time trying to get to know "Who she is".  What are her opinions on subjects concerning proper and improper edicate and behaviors.

I am not sure I would want to be engaged to a lady who I feel was not really dedicated to me and me to her.

I wish you good luck
Jim

... in response to Fiance Infidelity?, posted by ChipShot on Dec 12, 2001

I know of an expat that bought an apartment for his Russian sweety and returned home to divorce his wife and would return to the RW in several months.  When he got back here his "Sweety" was living with another man.  It nearly destroyed him.

I know of another expat that put his RW up in an apartment and returned home to the US to continue work there.  He sends her money monthly and comes and visits her every three or four months.  I recently heard that she is now having a secret affair.  This is a relatively small town and nothing goes unnoticed.  People talk.  Even the locals since many expats are involved with RW and they relate to us the gossip around town.

A local bartender (female) at the local hotspot told me recently that most RW involved with foreigners that are absent from the area for any extended time have a Russian lover on the side.  I didn't say this and am not concocting a story.  I am just reporting what I hear and observe.  You can take it for what it's worth.  Maybe the city I live in is worse than others.  I don't really know. I do know that this type of play and infidelity is not uncommon.  It is worthy to note that only a few expats end up taking back home their RW.  On the other hand I don't think some of the expats have been totally fair to their ladies.  Promises of marriage and visas that never come true.  Promises of a good life and a future in the US that rarely happens.  There are many half-truths told by both sides.  I am not really defending or condemning either side.

I live with many expats from five or six different countries and some will share their experiences and observations.  Generally we try and protect each other from these problems since we band together and need each others support.  Most of us have been here for a year or more.  Some going on three years.  We all live among the locals and not in a compound.  I just repeating the local gossip around the ranch here.  Take it for what it's worth.

Maybe your RW is faithful.  Could be.  If your time and money is important to you in this endeavor then you might want to check out the situation more and find out the truth prior to promising marriage and a visa.

I will say that RW/UK are some of the most beautiful in the world and the most attentive and loving to their man.  But how much does faithfulness mean to them?  How about our own dedication to being faithful and honest?  I have seen both sides and frankly it makes me wonder where is truth?  I really have been readjusted in my thinking since living here.  Yes, there are some very good women here but they tend to be very hard to locate.  The ones that frequent the bars and cafes are not those women.  The good ones are very unassuming and will not pursue a man.  It takes allot of work to find them.

I have been warned over and over by expats that have a longer time here to be extremely careful with my emotions and give my relationship a very long time to be tested.  I hope I can endure and apply this advice.

Best Regards,

Jimmy
Ukraine, Kiev Oblast

... in response to Re: Fiance Infidelity?, posted by Jimmy on Dec 13, 2001

Jimmy,
Can you make a distinction for me?
When discussing RW/UW and infidelity, would you guess that the women will tend to be *outright deceitful* regarding monagomy, or they just do not follow the practice of monagamy, and they don't volunteer any info about other lovers?

(I accept all disclaimers regarding generalizations, but I also put some stock in anecdotal evidence from someone like yourself who is well immersed in the culture..)

Lance

... in response to Fiance Infidelity?, posted by ChipShot on Dec 12, 2001

If you don't trust her to wait for you now, you can't trust her when she gets here. IMHO you should be way past this by now. Maybe you are rushing things if you have these kinds of doubts. If you are really serious about marriage, there is nothing that you should feel uncomfortable talking to her about. Noncommunication is much worse than miscommunication for causing problems.

... in response to Fiance Infidelity?, posted by ChipShot on Dec 12, 2001

I disagree with the notion that "most" RW have extramarital affairs.  I think that marital infidelity is no worse there than in the U.S.  However, I agree with the comments of the other posters that you should discuss this subject and your perceptions.  The key to any successful relationship is open and honest communication.  In addition, bear in mind that most of these women are highly educated and cultured.  It is very important that you provide an environment that they can enjoy life.

... in response to Fiance Infidelity?, posted by ChipShot on Dec 12, 2001

My viewpoint is that if you really truly feel like you have a great woman, don't worry too much, but defineately bring the subject up and share your feelings, Because if you can't talk to her about that, you'll have problems talking to her about other even more important things once she gets here. But on the other hand, if she is a real hottie that is 'out of your league', then I'd worry a little.
But the most important thing is how you feel she will act once she gets here. And will you be able to provide her with an interesting life, so she won't be sitting around bored & letting her imagination fly... good luck, we all need some of it.

... in response to Fiance Infidelity?, posted by ChipShot on Dec 12, 2001

Chip,

Russian women are like American women or any other--there are plenty of good ones and plenty of bad ones.  There is just no substitute for being able to tell which kind you are engaged to.  Ideally, it would have been helpful to determine this information before you became engaged...

Steve M.