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My question is; do Russians, particularly RW, know and practice the
concept of saying, Thank You.  This question arises because in all of the
time I spent with a RW in Canada and in Russia, I don’t think she ever
once said the words, Thank You.  This, in spite of the fact that I bought
tons of meals and many presents for her and even left all of my remaining
Roubles (about $100) with her when I left.  And, it was not just her.  I also
bought many meals and tickets for female friends of hers, and never heard
a Thank You from them either.  These ladies were all college educated,
with fairly good English,  from good families, with office and professional
jobs.  I did use the Thank You words myself many times.

In all other respects, my RW was very loving and considerate to me, and
her friends were very polite to me.  Just never a Thank You!!

I brought this up to a distant acquaintance who has some experience with
RW, and he said it was just cultural.  The RW are so used to the tradition
that the man pays for everything, that the entire idea of a Thank You to a
man friend has never developed.  But that is the only input I have to this
situation, so I would like to hear from others.

For those who answer, please indicate the background of your experience
with a RW who does or does not use the Thank You concept.  In other
words, did they not use it at one time and now do.  If they use Thank You,
did they have long exposure to western or US customs before you met
them, etc.  Without understanding the background regarding exposure of
your RW to non-Russian culture, I will never be able to ascertain if my RW
(and her friends)  is unusual or not.

Thanks, JR

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

My experience is limited to one woman and her daughter, but I am thanked for everything. Tatyana, lived in Tokyo until she was 12 and went to  an "English" school in Russia after that.  Her daughter also attends an English school in Novokuznetsk.  She thanks me for everything from opening a door or carrying something for her to writing her a letter or giving her gifts.  Her daughter is 9 and sometime needs to be reminded (by her mother) but will often thank me on her own.

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

What I have gotten:
"That is nice.";
"You are nice.";
a spontaneous hug or kiss; or
the gift quickly spirited away, whether opened or not, and another gift offered me the next time we met, usually without comment.

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

How old is this lady that we are discussing?

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

this is just a supposition, but maybe some women feel like they are doing you the favor by letting you take them places and buy them things, thus no thank you's. And for me, that would be a HUGE turn-off, because if I didn't feel appreciated while you are 'wining and dining' her, I'm sure I wouldn't feel any appreciation once she got here and you got into a normal routine...

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

I must wonder if some of us have had experiences on planet Mars and others on Jupiter, or somewhere.

I thank you for all of your comments, but because of the inconsistency, I really do not know much more than I did when I posed the question.

So I am still unclear as to just what to think of my RW who does not ever say Thank You.

JR

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

No, it is not a concept they know.  On my recent trip to Ukraine, none of the ladies said thank you for anything.  And it bothered me too.  I asked my interpreter, in fact, at one point, I said that the only thing wrong with this particular lady was that she didn't thank me for anything, and he said for me not to hold that against her.  It is most definitely a cultural thing, cultural for those ladies in not saying it and cultural for us men in expecting it to be said anytime we open our wallet for them.  I did get an excited and prompt kiss for spontaneously buying a few roses for a lady in the middle of a date though.  But no thank yous for meals, museum or theatre tickets, drinks, night clubs, entertainment, or date expenses, no thank yous for traveling a long distance, no thank yous for pulling out a chair, holding open a door, helping with a coat, these are all expected as the man's duty like a slave that is unthankworthy.  On the other hand, I guess they don't expect their future husband to thank them for cooking, cleaning, ironing, or sewing either.  Oh some of them don't do that?  Seems unfair, I want a thank you!

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

I have always found that people from certain Euro countries,  like Swiss,  Germans,  Swedes, Dutch etc very seldom mention a thank you.  Whatever the transaction,  it is to them,  like some serious business transaction.  Even when they are supposedly having fun.  Very very stiff.  And the Thank You thing.... is not relevant.  Even the drinking of a very good wine,  is a serious business.  Now,  the Italians and the French and some other warmer climate,  more Meditereanean based people have a typically great enjoyable time doing the same thing.  They certainly know Thank You....as good or sometimes better than most Americans.  My experience with Russians and former Fsu people,  in person,   is pretty much the same---they have a joie de vive---a love of life---a love of the moment.  So personally,  I would rank them more with the Italians and French---than with the former.
 
  Now,  the girls I begin to know in Russia and Ukraine and Latvia and Estonia,  have no problems with Thank You's and most are more like "cultural friends",  than anything else.  Like there is no big marriage interest---more of a friendly exchange.  I think as soon as the whole "marriage equation" enters one is on the proverbial "slippery slope".  Then,  you are "the man" and certain things are expected from you...which,  if you do not perform...will only diminish you,  in their eyes.  So there,  do not be awaiting a "Thank You",  for you are only performing your function.  Really,  you blow a coupla bucks on lunch with a very wonderful girl and you expect her to say "Thank you"???
Maybe you are the one who had the pleasure of her company for lunch and sayin',    "Hey,  I had a great time,  I like being with you."

  I beleive,  it is more like RW spoke of.  That "family mores and values"  have alot to do with it.  And always remember that there are many different ways and moments in which for a woman to say,  " Thank You" to a man.  If you do not expect a "Thank You" for whatever,  then you stand to be possibly very pleasantly surprised.  I really do think that if one is awaiting "Thank You's"  for buying lunch or dinner or something...then you are playing ball---in the wrong ballpark.

... in response to My Limited Experience On Thank  You's, posted by tim360z on Dec 3, 2001

....that the majority of them would die before they thanked you for anything. I recall several who's kids were the same way. The explanation I was given is "you're the man, it's your my job" to buy us things.

Yeah, right....

Having said that, I know a few girls who thank me for every little thing, but they are far and few between. I did notice the correlation seemed to be education and upbringing. Funny, they're the ones who most often didn't need the stuff while the poor ones just took and took while saying nothing.

The better schooling and family they had, the more likely they would be to express gratitude.

lol...Imagine that...

... in response to My experience On Thank  You's is..., posted by LP on Dec 4, 2001

which I have and I do alot of weeding.  I can definitely see the "good manners" difference really (for me) does fall along educational and strong nuclear family lines.  Yes,  there really are very nice girls who are very smart,  educated,  polite,  family's doing Ok and last weekend her and Dad went shopping for crawfish and shrimp to steam and eat with some beer at a big family dinner.  But,  keep in mind,  these girls would be the most difficult to want to move to another place.  They are "curious".  But,  they are fairly comfortable and not living in poverty.  These type of girls,  their only problem is they are 27 or 28 and they really would like to have the "right" sort of guy to marry there....and the options are thin.

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

Marina has said thank you from the 1st time I met her and does so with a sincerety that leaves no doubt about her meaning it. So did everyone in her family, including her 4 yr old daughter, even though they basicly spoke no english.
They are also Ukrainian if that makes any difference.

... in response to quite the opposite here, posted by Stan B on Dec 3, 2001

When I met my future wife on-line, she would always tell me thank you for each compliment I payed her..even on the phone. When we met in person, she would always tell me thank you when I was giving her compliments or being a gentleman by holding doors or taking her hand to exit the bus. When I met her niece at the family dacha, the 10 y.o. was very proud to speak to me in English.."thank you very much" were the only words she knew.
Now my wife tells me "thank you very much" when she is teasing me because of the funny way her niece once said it to me.

I think the politeness amongst most Europeans is different famly to family. I too have traveled throughout western Europe and I could never figure out why some were so rude, and some were so out-going and polite.

My wife noticed very quickly here how polite store employees  are, she was never used to eye contact and small talk before. She is quick to give a smile and thank you in return to all that say "have a nice day"!

... in response to quite the opposite here, posted by Stan B on Dec 3, 2001

Mine is from Korvov, Russia and she said thank you from day one, I think it
depends on which age group we're talking about, she also speaks fuient English so that might have something to do with it........

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

I've heard many times from American men I worked with that Russian women didn't thank them for this or for that.

It seems to me (I'm not sure I'm right) that the main reason for this is that we used to pay more attention to actions and don't value words too much.

This summer one American man I worked with took me and my female friends to a restaurant for lunch. After the lunch they didn't thank him and he drew my attention to this fact. But the next day they cooked a nice meal for him and actually it was their "thank you".

Yes, RW used to the tradition that man pays for everything, that's right. But in my opinion if a man takes you for lunch or dinner to a restaurant you should thank him for "a nice evening", for "a pleasure to enjoy his society" and not paying for meals (it's a tradition).

Just my 2 Rbls.

Tootsie

... in response to Re: Thank You - - Is this a concept that..., posted by Tootsie on Dec 3, 2001

........darn fine meal it was! I still remember how wonderful that cold soup thing tasted.

I'll always recall those evenings on Old Arbat. Warm nights, cold beer and beautiful women. Yep, it was mighty fine. (lol, I could've done without looking down the barrel of that Kalishnakov at 3 am though, that part made me nervous.)

Tell the girls I said hello. lol..and thank them again for their hospitality.

... in response to Re: Thank You - - Is this a concept that..., posted by Tootsie on Dec 3, 2001

Just one comment that may be relevant.  I also noticed in St. Petersburg that in shops where locals shopped, the shop keepers do not say thank you or smile for that matter when you buy something.   I asked my friend if that bothered her.   It did not.   It seems that traditional Russians do not waste much energy in that area.
It seems odd or fake to them I am told.    I did find, however, that in shops that served tourist, they was always a smile and thank you.  It also seemed that there were more pretty women doing these jobs.  
RobertD

... in response to Re: Re: Thank You - - Is this a concept ..., posted by Robert D on Dec 3, 2001

I've seen that same cold business-like serious manner from shopkeepers in Germany and Austria.  Sort of along the lines of: you're not there for chit-chat and pleasantries, you're there to conduct business.  The Finnish were a bit more cordial when I last passed through there.

I've heard that Canadian shopkeepers are similar in demeanor.  Can our resident canuck confirm or deny this?

... in response to European Shopkeeper Hospitality, posted by Bob S. on Dec 3, 2001

in the world!!
Bring your greenbacks and come and visit us (they're worth about 2/3 more up here!!).  Bring lots, too!!
And, turn your thermostats up and all your lights on while you're at it - every little bit helps, you know!  :-)

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001


I was thanked quite a bit when I was in St. Pb.

Maria worked very hard to get me to say Thank you without an accent.

Often times, the thank you from her would be a quick kiss (in private) or a nod of thanks.

Not like here, of course

But then again, I am always after my 8 year old daughter to get her to say Please and Thank-You... so maybe America is catching up in that...

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

JR,

I think there are two "sides" of this question: the difference in women's expectations and overall Russian culture.

In the first case man is pretty much expected to pay for dinner and buy gifts, etc. In this case it will pretty much depend on the woman's age, manners and upbringing as to how she will react/thank you for your gifts and gestures. In some situations it is even a sign of manners. Some ladies consider is obliging to accept expensive gifts or allow man to pay for everything, others have a strategy of "spining" the guy off for as much as they can. And I think it is pretty much your choice what type of women you prefer. Don't write off everythig to the cultural differencies.

As for Russians overall, and it also depends on the family, not much emotions are expressed usually at the beginning of relationship, meeting or conversation. Again, you might be talking about different types of people - there are some who will feel obligated to give you back something - gift, welcome party, etc if you give them a gift, there are others who would not even care to tell you "thank you".

But overall, my observation is that is US you are met with the smile and all polite words first to establish a good impression, in Russia you have to develop personal relationship and contact first and will be showered with hospitality if that impression is good. Kind of reverse process.

Russian Wife

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

I have been to Lugansk one time to visit my friend and stay with her family that consisted of her mother and father and a younger brother.  Anyway yes I am familiar with your difficulty of these people not saying thank you.  It is there culture difference as I can see it.  They are however not being rude they are just not used to saying it.  I found it funny though towards the end of my stay I had them all pretty much saying it.  Her mother would always say a form of thank you she would get it screwed up and say please when she should have been saying thank you but it was funny I had a good time with it.  My girl friend never said it though and never really even tried she was sort of a beaitch that way.  I would do something nice and she would not say anything but her brother would jump in and say thank you and push his sister a little (Like get with it girl he would sort of say).  Anyway it is really not a big issue to me I mean little things like that do not bother me I write it off to cultural differences.  I mean I just wonder how many things I did that were considered rude or not so proper.  Live with it, it is a small issue on the grand scale of things.

... in response to Re: Thank You - - Is this a concept that..., posted by Ryan on Dec 3, 2001

Oh ya her father would always say to me some form of thank you like "Good" was a word that I heard him say.  I remember when I gave him a bic lighter.  Oh my god he came out of his chair and sort of did a jig.  He must of like it, her mother would always just give me kisses all the time like when I gave her some gifts.  Oh looking back it was a grat time...

Ryan

... in response to Thank You - - Is this a concept that RW ..., posted by juio99 on Dec 3, 2001

I think what you experienced was normal for a RW. And I think your aquaintance was correct. My lady did learn to say thank you after awhile. But it was often grudgingly. And when russians gave me things like food or alcohol I would thank them. Many times they started to laugh at me because of this. They said,"you are our guest. You do not need to thank us every time we give you something".

When recieving my gifts they would say thank you. But there are many things that they feel it is only normal to do, such as a man paying for meals. Don't expect a lot of praise for doing something like that.