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First I would like to thank everyone for their responses. Second, no, it was not a bogus message.  I apologize for not giving much details but when i posted the first message I was short on time and have not been back to read all the responses until now.  

Here is the Background:
I met the lady about 2 years ago through the "Ladies From Colombia" website.  Things went great and we chatted and emailed for about 6 months before I went to Bogota to see her.

By the way, I am 47 and she is 40 and no children, so I was not  looking for just some arm candy to show off.  She had been married once before to an American when she was in her early twenties but from what she told me and her documents the marriage only lasted about 2 months.  He apparently was abusive mentally, but not physically.  

On the first trip there she wanted to talk marriage and i wouldn't.  I wanted to make a couple of visits and get to know her a little.  Her parents would not agree to a Fiance Visa and her coming to the states so if we did marry it was going to be in Bogota. I was amazed how much influence her parents had over this situation since she was 40 years old.

When I was there I stayed in the Sheraton and went to her home to visit her family.  i didn't realize that all her family was in the one home, a total of 16 people.  This made it impossible to have any time alone with her and get to know her as I probably should have so that was my mistake.  But she was always very happy and caring.  

When we did decide to get married, i did not exaggerate anything about myself, my fiances, my work, or my way of life.  I laid it all on the table because i didn't think she could handle being here alone most of the day and only seeing me in the evenings.  But she said it wasn't a problem she would be able to find a lot of things to keep her busy.  

We married in December of 2004 and she finally received her Visa in October and traveled her in November.  

The rest is in my first posting.  I am trying to be patient but it is hard when she insults friends and things.  But everyone has told me to get through the holidays and then maybe things will get bettr.  Now she has asked me if I would adopt her niece and bring her here to live with us.  Her niece is 8 years old and is her brothers little girl.  I told her no and that has set off a whole new battle.

Again, I apprciate the advice and I would not have written this as a hoax.  I am sincerely seeking help as to what i should do or not do.  But for now, I just want to get through the holidays with her and my family and see how she acts around them.

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

VERY similar to mine. I also married overseas. My wife ALSO turned out to be a momma's girl to this date, claimed "abuse" by me simply because I put my foot down & wouldn't put up with her crap etc etc. I could just go on & on about it.
Having said that the red flags did NOT appear till she arrived here which made it difficult. Of course I do NOT think the 90 of the fiancee would make a difference as I think if THEY KNOW they simply do what is "right" for 90 days THEN the REAL agenda comes out. In either case I truly believe you are screwed my man. I wish you'd e mail we could REALLY compare notes, pretty sad is all I an say. The only difference is my wife was Ukrainian & yours is Colombiana. If mine had been Colombiana things might have been REALLY different as I'm fluent and I think I have a fairly good grasp of Latina culture albeit not Colombian still VERY similar. Shoot me an e mail.

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

The fiance visa probably would have saved your ass. Her true colors would have been revealed here in the states BEFORE you married her and hence you would simply send her back to Colombia with no legal ties. If her family is so gung-ho about marriage in Colombia they  can still have a wedding ceremony in Colombia, that is, after the legal wedding ceremony here in the states.

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

From the way things read, seems like a potentially troublesome situation you've got yourself into.

Your wife and her family seem to be cold-hearted when it concerns you.  And her version of why the first marriage to a gringo flopted (because he was "mentally abusive") is probably a self-effacing lie.  

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by doombug on Dec 10, 2005

Probably her first husband refused to take her crap and threw it back in her face.  And we all know that refusing to bend over and take the crap a woman dishes out is the very definition of "mental abuse".
Patrick's right.  There were more red flags here than a Moscow May Day parade.

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

You've got more red flags than a communist country!  It almost sounds like you had very little relationshiop with her prior to marriage, even if it was a fairly long courtship.  A woman who's truely interested in you would form a real relationship with you, despite her parents or other family objections.  That should include plenty of alone time, a sexual relationship, and commitment.  It doesn't sound like you had that.  There's probably a reason this woman was only married once briefly for 2 months.  You may be finding out why right now.

I get the impression you're trying to bury your head in the sand and hope things will get better when you pull your head out.  That's a wish that's probably not realistic.  Face reality, make the tough decisions, and move on.  You'll (both) be better off in the long run.

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Patrick on Dec 10, 2005

n/t

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

You have refused her request to adopt.... maybe they have been more "refusals".  Do you think she would say you have 'mentally' abused her???  
But I agree with others on this board that there is more to this story!  Good luck, or better yet - start thinking of your options.... seriously!
Ricardo

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

Isn't there a chance that the "niece" might actually be the daughter? If she's been in the US for only a few weeks and she already wants you to adopt her... I don't know, I would love to have an aunt that cares so much!

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by darolina1 on Dec 10, 2005

I bet you are right and this would explain a lot of what is going on.

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by darolina1 on Dec 10, 2005

.

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by darolina1 on Dec 10, 2005

thats a good point, i didnt think about that angle of it.

... in response to Re: Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by mudd on Dec 10, 2005

That's what I was thinking. The niece is probably her daughter.

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

Hey I knew you were legitimate all along which is why I gave you one sentence of sound advice...  just give me a moment to edit my previous post.

Something still does not seem right. “But everyone has told me to get through the holidays and then maybe things will get better.” That advice seems strange coming from as you put it, a female friend that "can't stand her". It’s certainly not the advice you got from this board. How would the holiday season solve your problems?

"i didn't realize that all her family was in the one home, a total of 16 people. This made it impossible to have any time alone with her..."
Impossible? What does the number of people living in her house have to do with going out and being alone with her? Were they blocking the door?

Do you have anything positive to tell us about the relationship now? Seems liked you missed a lot of clues on the way and we still have very little to go with to understand what is actually happening and why.

Unless they are educated and professional I’m not seeing very good outcomes with guys dating and marrying women over 40. They can’t seem to adapt, get out and about or learn English. I think the lesson here is always go with the arm candy.

To be serious I think any Colombian woman with a divorce from an American man should be thoroughly investigated to find out why. I personally would suggest avoiding such women. “Mentally abusive” did you ask in what way? Do you both speak the same language which is? How many days did you spend with her in Bogota? surfscum asked you some very good questions but you have not answered him which make me question your intent for help.

Engage the Exotic – Latin Women
Http://International-Introductions.com

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

My wife  alienated my whole family and my friends. Thye could not stand her. They tried to be nice to her, and everything, but she was just cold and when i tried to talk to her about it and told her none of my friends and family liked her, all she could say was  NO IMPORTA, NO IMPORTA, Well, the only person besides me that still tried to be her friend was my 8 year old daughter until her 9th birthday  party and she told me she did not want my wife there , that she did not like her anymore. Well, when i told my wife this , you know what she said, yep, you guessed it , NO IMPORTA, but this time with TEARS IN HER EYES . Good luck, but your wife will never change, she is who she is and at 40, she is hopeless, time to give up the ship before it sinks with you on it.

KB

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Kiltboy1 on Dec 9, 2005

If she hasn't gotten it together by 40, then the odds are against any significant changes now.

Ray

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

1st mistake, you married her in colombia, wonder why her family wanted that??????
sounds like you made a lot of mistakes, and i hope you learned from them, but if you adopt this girl, you will really be screwed. plan on supporting that little girl until she is 18, 20 if she goes to college. i think your wife has an "agenda"  get you to adopt the girl, get rid of you, and then she is set with financial support. then she will probably bring up her brother and guess who will be paying the bill???? YOU.  harsh, but true, good luck

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by mudd on Dec 9, 2005

[This message has been edited by Ray]

Hi mudd,

I agree with Cowboy that getting married outside of the country is not a “mistake” per se. Committing to marriage when you aren’t ready is the real mistake, independent of where the marriage takes place.

You said “…you married her in colombia, wonder why her family wanted that??????” In many cultures, wedding ceremonies are taken very seriously. A traditional church wedding in the bride’s hometown can be very important to her and her family. If she and her family are very religious Catholics, then a church wedding becomes even more important. For her to marry outside the Church in a civil ceremony is a serious violation of her religion, so she and her family may consider it very important to have a “proper” wedding. It is possible to have a civil marriage later validated by the Church but in the meantime, she is considered to be living in sin and cannot fully participate in the practice of her religion, such as receiving communion. How she feels about these issues probably depends a lot on how religious she is, but it would be very wise of the man to discuss all of this with his prospective bride before deciding on which type of visa and wedding to go for.

In regard to the Affidavit of Support, you are eventually going to have to obligate to that whether you marry down there or marry here. You will have to swear to an Affidavit of Support (Form I-134) before she can get a fiancée visa and then you will need to execute the Form I-864 affidavit when she adjusts status after marriage over here. I think that anyone who has a big issue with legally obligating to support a foreign spouse for a long time should simply reconsider marrying a foreigner. In actuality, that affidavit probably will never affect you even if your marriage ends prematurely. I personally have never heard of anyone being required to repay public support money given to a separated foreign spouse. In other words, the legal obligation is there but seldom enforced. Even without the Affidavit of Support, your spouse still has certain legal rights to spousal and child support if you divorce, depending on the laws of your state and independent of immigration law.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both fiancée visas and spousal visas, but in both cases the primary concern should be proper preparation for marriage. If you BOTH aren’t ready for it, then don’t do it. Instead of referring to anyone who gets married down there as an “idiot”, perhaps you should look at those who marry in a hurry without the proper preparation as the real “idiots”, whether they do it here or over seas.

Ray

... in response to The REAL mistake..., posted by Ray on Dec 12, 2005

Hi ray,
Everybody has a different opinion on this subject, you have some who will never do the spousal route for the stated reasons, and ten you have the other who will for the various reasons stated too. It depends on what you find comfortable and you’re soon to be wife finds comfortable. Some girls won’t marry a man until she goes to his city, sees where he lives, meets his friends and see if he is full of krap, so it goes both ways.

Committing to a marriage isn’t the problem if somebody is hiding something, and even with my personal experience, they are very good at hiding things. Sooner or later, they start to leak out and by then, it’s too late. So I don’t think it’s a commitment issue, but more of an "ok, is it for real" issue and when are "skeletons in the closet coming out" issue

Sorry, but most girls I have met, and i have met a lot, the religious issue was not brought up, but more of a is "this guy serious" issue. Most families didn’t go to church, or the girl either, most uses it as leverage to get their way.

Sorry, but I have a friend who is paying support to his ex wife from Mexico. Married her down there. Came up, 6 months later, she wanted him out of the house, his new car and $ 1500 a month. Most he had before marriage, so she didn’t get much, but she did file for government assistance, which he now knows he will have to pay back to the government. Once she is her, she is here for good, ask Pete.

referring to a person getting married down there as an" idiot" well, that my opinion, I stick by it, why would you give somebody all the aces in a deck of cards and play a game of war, so to speak. Until it’s an even playing field, ill keep my aces. Problem is, most men who get married in Colombia have no idea of the ramifications, the laws and what will happen if it doesn’t work out. Their just happy that they found some hot girl that is way too cute for them, agreed to marry them and think its all hunkey dory. but hey, all stated above, its just my opinion.

... in response to Re: The REAL mistake..., posted by mudd on Dec 12, 2005

O.K., I agree with some of your points, but I think you and some others are making way too much of this Affidavit of Support issue. When you say that there are too many laws stacked against the petitioner and everything up here is all in her favor, I have to disagree. When you meet somebody who was required by the government to pay back his ex-wife’s public assistance, let me know. I just don’t think it happens nearly enough to worry about it. Also, that Affidavit of Support isn’t forever. Mine is already voided by law because my wife is now a U.S. citizen 4 years after she arrived. I have also known guys who divorced shortly after she arrived and asked CIS if they could withdraw their Affidavit of Support, which is sometimes granted on a case-by-case basis.

Some of the other points you made really have nothing to do with marrying over seas I believe. You mentioned your friend who had problems with the wife 6 months after she arrived here. Doing a fiancée visa and waiting the full 90 days to marry isn’t going to help him anyway, is it? I don’t think any woman will get a significant support order after only 6 months of marriage. You said she wanted him out of the house, wanted his car, and $1500/month? I am curious, what did she “actually” get out of the divorce?

As for the skeletons in the closet issue, I think that can happen no matter where you marry. If you did marry a woman that was really good at hiding some deep dark secrets, I don’t know if a 90-day “test drive” would do you much good anyway. That’s why I stressed the importance of doing the hard work up front before committing to marriage. The longer you are dating or engaged, the longer you have to learn what you need to know about her and guys shouldn’t get the impression that doing a fiancée visa will allow them to take a fast track to a marriage that they aren’t prepared for.

I will agree with you that some guys, including “Confused”, would be probably be better off going the fiancée visa route, but I still disagree with the sometimes widely-held belief that marrying over seas should be avoided at all costs, which is what I thought you were trying to say.

And I don't agree with you that Utopia Cowboy and others are "idiots" because they did it differently than you would have :-)

Ray

... in response to Re: Re: The REAL mistake..., posted by Ray on Dec 12, 2005

As they say, you can call me anything you want, just don't call me late for dinner. I may be an idiot but if I am, I'm one happy idiot!

... in response to One happy idiot, posted by utopiacowboy on Dec 13, 2005

:-)

... in response to Re: Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by mudd on Dec 9, 2005

Why do you say it's a mistake to show your future wife some consideration by getting married in front of all her family and friends? I went to the wedding in Galveston of a woman from Bogota with a guy from Houston. She had three people on her side of the family who could attend. I married in Colombia, civil and Catholic, and I haven't regretted it for a minute.

... in response to Marriage in Colombia is not a mistake, posted by utopiacowboy on Dec 10, 2005

if you would have read the 1st post below, it would have answered your question, but here it is.

Because you have to sign an affidavit of support for your wife before she gets her spousal visa. So if she comes here, she is entitled to support because she is already your wife, and you’re already financially responsible for her welfare, even if she turns out to be the biggest bitch on earth. The fiancé visa which you have 90 days (which isn’t much but better than nothing) to get married, so hopefully, within thoes 90 day, you will have a better idea of her personality, so they say. then their is the other "getting a divorce in colombia" part you have to deal with.

i didnt say you couldnt go back after she got an " advance parole" and go have a marriage in her country with her family and friends, which is what i am planning to do. but a lot of guys get married down there, like this "confused in la" guy and look where he is now.

... in response to Re: Marriage in Colombia is not a mistak..., posted by mudd on Dec 11, 2005

That is the "test drive" point of view. Personally I think if someone feels they need a "test drive", they need to rethink what they're doing.

... in response to Fair enough, posted by utopiacowboy on Dec 11, 2005

well, the "test drive" didn’t work for me either, dated her for almost a year, she came up on a tourist visa for two months before it expired, and then we did the k1 visa 6 months after. Even with all that, once we were married, WOW, what a completely different person, I filed for divorce two months later, which took almost a year and a half to get done. their is more to the story, but you have to keep things on a even field, if you marry them down there, they have everything going in their direction, and your SOL. Personally, I think anybody that gets married down there is an idiot, too many laws stacked against them, everything up here is all in her favor, not the man's, even if she turns out to be a nut case. and with the passing of some new laws and more coming on the books, its going to get worse.

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

Thanks for sharing more of your story.

You may have overlooked or not factored in strongly enough a major red flag... that fact of "how much influence her parents had over this situation since she was 40 years old".

I'm 37 and my ex-girlfriend is a 29-yr old Colombiana.  Her mother was interfering in our relationship, despite the girl's continued denial of that fact.  The girl insisted that things would be different when she came to the states, since her mother would be so far away.  I told her she had to exhibit independence now in order for me to continue the relationship.  The girl had previously lived in Spain for a while, and her mother convinced her to come back to Colombia to take care of her when she became "ill".

I knew that was the last thing I needed was for me to get my new bride to the USA, and for her mom to suddenly take "ill" again.

Your wife's attachment to her family seems to include not just her parents but (at least) her niece as well.  I don't know if you are a guy who reads the Bible, but spouses putting each other above their natural families is one of the first marital principles mentioned in the Bible:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."
(Genesis 2:24)

Hopefully your wife can grasp this, and your marriage will be strengthened as a result.

Be encouraged, good luck and God bless!

... in response to Ref. Seeking Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 9, 2005

Seems like you have the right idea. Get through the Holidays before making a final decision. Maybe she'll settle down, but i wouldn't bet on it. Good luck.