Planet-Love.com Searchable Archives

...that I would wait another two weeks before I consider any irrevokable actions.  If that's not exactly what I said, it's what I meant :c)  There is no harm in finding out what I need to do if the time comes for me to do it.

I have been more than patient.  I have been more than accomidating.  If this is the way she chooses to repay my kindness, then I am left with no alternative.

What's my rush?  Ten years ago I began looking for the right person to spend the rest of my life with.  I was looking for a wife who could love me and children to raise and cherish.  When I found my wife three and a half years ago, I thought I was done looking and could now concentrate on our future together.  My entire life, I have been selfless enough to put my needs on hold to help and/or support others, only to have them crap on me when it was time for my needs to take center stage.  I have done everything in my power to make my wife happy, while she has done very little to make the marriage enjoyable for me.  If to be rid of me is what she wants, obviuosly it is if she has chosen not to return to me, then why would I begin refusing her wishes now?

Maybe some of you have kids already and are simply looking for a companion.  Maybe you don't and have no want or need of children of your own.  All I want is a family.  If Ayesa doesn't want to be a part of that why should I wait one second longer than I have to?

My emotions swing right now from depression to anger, but before I make a decision I will be thinking clearly, I promise.

I have waited for my wife to come around long enough, don't you think?

H

Bear

 I remember when you were visiting Ayessa in the Philippines you wrote more than once that she didn't show much affection towards you.  You even emphasized this was true after you became engaged.   I'm not trying to say "I told you so" but rather hoping to help you more accurately evaluate what Ayessa is bringing to the table in this marriage.   It all boils down to one question in my mind, "Do you think she loves you?"  Do her eyes light up and show excitement when she sees you when you come home after work?  Did they ever?  When a man OR woman loves somebody, they can't hold it in and everybody around them know it's real.  I'll even go out further on a limb and say that Love for another person can't be faked over any significant period of time IF that person(the one being 'used') is willing to see the obvious red flags that show they are not loved and move on.  

  I know darned well that it's extremely hard when you have high hopes with a woman and find out she doesn't love you the way you love her, but groveling after her sure isn't going to make you happy either.   You don't have to answer this here in public, but if I were in your shoes her love or lack thereof for you - and that alone would control which path I chose at this point.   If she doesn't love you, then why make both yourselves miserable.  Marriage should be something to celebrate, not endure!

                                  SteveG

Almost every arguement that Vilma and I had in the beginning
was due to the fact that I was fearful of being married for the first time, and that I was afraid of being used.
My insecurities would come out in the form of an arguement.

But, after I calmed down I would look in Vilmas eyes and I could see that she loved me.  When Vilma hugs me it feels like she is trying to snuggle in under my skin and be a part of me.

Marrying someone from a different culture and country is the most difficult thing I have ever done. If I did not see Vilmas love in her eyes, and feel it in her touch, I never could have had the strength to marry her.

When Howard first started writing that Ayessa was not affectionate it really hurt me inside.  From everything that Howard has written I feel like he is a truly wonderful, loving , and giving person.  It hurt me that a person such as him would be denied the love that he deserves.

Howard,  you do deserve to have the love that you give returned to you.  Please do not feel that you are not deserving of love, because you are, you really are.

If you can remember how Ayessa would look at you with love in her eyes, then I say do whatever you need to do to be with her.

If you do not have that memory, then I think you know what you need to do.

Don

I think she will eventually attempt to resurface in your life. Here's why. She's had a taste of life in America, and even though she may not have liked it, she can't argue that she can make money here. Maybe not alot, but more than in the RP. She will eventually decide to come back for this reason, and since she's got the conditional green card she can re-enter the USA anytime she wants. She doesn't have to contact you when she does this, but I think she will. The reason ? She needs you to complete her Adjustment of Status and remove the conditions on her green card.

The status she has now is "conditional permanent resident". Her legal status will expire in 2 years unless she files a form with the INS to remove the conditions. She must do this within 90 days of her 2 year anniversary of receiving the I-551 stamp in her passport. There are two ways she can accomplish this. The easy (and cheap) path is for her to reconcile with you and make the filing with you as the husband/petitioner. The hard way (and expensive) is for her to file for removal of conditions as a hardship case based on abuse. This would be hard to prove if you've been separated for months/years (side note: make sure you keep evidence of the entire period she has been separated from you).

Now it's obvious she's way too immature to understand all this right now, but in the months ahead I think it's likely she will get "educated" by her "friends" over there, the kind who know how the system works. And as time passes, she'll slowly figure out her best future lies back here -- and you will NOT be a factor, except in getting her permanent residency (sorry to be harsh). Just think about it. If you were a citizen of the Phillipines and you had legal entry into the USA, would you stay over there ? Eventually she will realize this.

I think the odds are good that sometime before the 2 year anniversary she'll contact you -- out-of-the-blue -- with some lame story and that sweet voice coaxing you to let her come home. When this happens you will have a big decision to make. Choose wisely, because after she gets the conditions removed from her green card, she doesn't need you at all anymore.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I thought it my duty as your friend to warn you of this scenario.

Even if she does come back to you in the next 2 weeks I would be leery of her motivations. You are a good guy and don't need to put up with this kind of behavior. Did you marry a grown woman or a 4th grader ? You deserve so much better !

Regards, Tim

I did more research on this scenario at the Doc Steen website. I was wrong on one point. In the event of a divorce, a conditional permanent resident can IMMEDIATELY (yes, even before 2 years) petition themself with the I-751 form to remove the conditions on their green card. They can do this EVEN THOUGH no abuse charges were filed, they don't have to prove anything except that they entered into the marriage in good faith. Now bear in mind that because they have to do all the filing (and paying) themself, it is not as easy as just reconciling with their US citizen spouse and going that route to remove the conditions -- but it is just as effective.

So as long as she comes back to the USA before the 2 years are up, she can get the permanent green card regardless of whether she stays married to Howard or they get divorced. Isn't our immigration system just wonderful !

Howard, at this point I really do expect her to show up again. She'll either attempt a reconciliation with you or agree to a divorce. Either way, she gets to stay in the USA permanently, if she wants.

Regards, Tim

 You are right.  Howard is such a nice guy, and I am afraid that things might get even worse.  
Howard does deserve a mature woman to make him happy, not
the mind games that he has endured.

Don

I sure would be interested to hear the other Filipinas
answer as to why this happens.

Don

It is difficult for me to address this to you, since I don't know you very well, if at all.  From reading your posts it seems like you are determined to focus on and persue the destruction of your marriage.  I wonder, not knowing your story, how you might have chosen a person with this goal in mind.

Here's the things that really stand out, to me, in what you are saying.  I'd appreciate it if you would read through what I have to say since I am trying to express what I'm seeing because I think if it is true, it might be important for your future happiness to look at these issues.

Here's the first one:
"If this is the way she chooses to repay my kindness, then I am left with no alternative."

 Two things I see in this.  One is that there is a hidden accounting system.  You cannot be kind just for the sake of kindness, but instead it goes into some kind of ledger of indebtedness.  Not everyone keeps a ledger and unless you both play by these kind of rules.  Being calculating and putting someone under obligation is not a kindness at all, even if the initial act appears to be kind.  The second part, about being "left with no alternative", seems like an abdication of responsibility for your actions.  Rather than acknowledging you have a choice and you have made a choice, you are phrasing in a manner to lead people to think that you are only reacting from a powerless position.  This seems very far from the reality of your situation.  The fact is you have not heard from your wife.  A separate fact is you have made the decision to focus on this event and use it as justification to end your marriage.  It is you deciding to end your marriage, not her.  And you are making your decision for your own reasons.

"My entire life, I have been selfless enough to put my needs on hold to help and/or support others, only to have them crap on me when it was time for my needs to take center stage."  On this statement, I think it very dramatically illustrates how you have chosen the role of helpless victim and have a pattern of being disappointed when people do not follow your hidden accounting system.  One of the issues I think this illustrates is an adjustment you may need to make.  I would hope that you consider yourself the person responsible for your own happiness, and also would be able to be kind for the sake of caring, rather than as an obligation for future reciprocity.  If you do not feel so currently, you really need to know that your needs have always been important and it has always been your responsibility to balance others needs while keeping your own met.  Maybe you are just saying you have not done as good of a job as you would have liked?  Well, if that's the case, I'd say, with your experiences you've gained some wisdom.

Howard, again, not knowing you, this may not apply to you or your situation.  However, you seem to be demonstrating some strengths in this situation too.  You have shown that you are able and willing to communicate your feelings and that you are interested in taking some action to resolve the problems you are facing.  This alone, I would say, has you half way to resolution.

I think the decision of seeing a lawyer, rather than a therapist is a very clear sign of a decision that you have already made.  If I could wish one thing for you, it would be that you would step back and stop the momentum that you have built so far, and reconsider.  Even if you decide to persue a divorce, some of the issues you might discover and resolve with a therapist would increase your chances of future happiness.  And if you don't pursue a divorce, it might bring some more immediate improvement to your marriage and individual life.

There may be people that give you black and white answers and say that a person is good or bad, but reality is not that simple-minded.  Good luck, in examining the good as well as the bad in yourself and others.

... you don't know the situation very well.

I don't take any offense and appreciate your opinion, but you couldn't be more wrong about me.  The words you are seeing are those of someone's whose only defense is to appear to remain indifferent.  When I get hurt, I shut down the emotion.  It's the only way I can cope sometimes.  Sooner or later everything will set in--it's already begining to--and I will go back to being a hopeful, compassionate, door mat after I take the time to properly mourn the passing of my marriage.  It's sick, but the main thing on my mind is that my wife is terrified and alone--because her family will cast her away in shame, it's already started to happen over there--and all I wanna do is find a way to help her.  But, I can't find her.  That's the picture I paint in my mind though, it's probably a ways from the truth.  You know, these are the same brushes that painted the picture that my wife was just confused about how to express her love for me, maybe it's time for a new set!

I tried for three months, prior to her father's illness, to us her into counselling.  I tried to get her to go to a doctor to talk about her depression.  She never had the time or interest.

Stand by your opinion if you like.  In regards to the one post of mine you read you might even be right, but you just don't know the whole story.

Good Luck in your Travels :c)

H

Again, not knowing the whole situation, which I believe no one will be able to, it seems like there may be a huge difference in maturity between you two.  I hope when things settle down for you, you will be able to share your insights with others to help them avoid some of the same problems.

Take care.

I would give anything to reconcile my marriage.  I would give anything to see my wife happy and safe.  I would give anything to be able to find a small bit of happiness for myself in the process.  Trust me, I would.  I made the divorce comments out of anger, now I am begining to calm down and think rationaly.  I am also making efforts to find my wife, but hold little hope that she will be found if she doesn't want to be.

I will always post my expiriences and thoughts here.  When Ayesa and I began having trouble, the only thing I could think of was to post these things here, so that others could not only help me figure out what to do, but so that I might prevent someone else from the same fate.  These circumstances are very hard to take, but if I can help others learn something from them, then at least I have not suffered in vain.

Take Care and stop by more often :c)

H

I believe that your sharing of your experiences here has probably helped quite a few others. Personally, I think you have a lot of balls for posting your story. Thanks!

Ray

You do need time to rationally think.  But as far as attempting to save your marriage, I think that's a bad idea.  Thinking about it may sound rosy, but you have to be realistic.  Ask yourself, "What have I previously done?".  "What did it accomplish?"

In my opinion, if (for Ayesa) it was only a matter of adjustment to life in the U.S.A., she would have been more communicative with you.  I'm sure there'd have been unreasonably sounding tampo times, but there'd also be the kissing and making up, and the constructive two-way communication to address whatever the issue was.  I don't believe that Ayesa ever loved you from Day 1.  Her mother may have forced her to have a relationship with a Kano (given that you said you believe that the typewritten letters which were supposedly by her, were typed by Ayesa's mother, and Ayesa signed them.  In that vain, one can't really condemn Ayesa if she was forced into a marriage against her will.

The pieces of a very bizarre puzzle are coming together, and it's not a pretty sight.  If Ayesa all of a sudden expresses interest in you, says she misses you, etc., I would be very suspicious.  If I were you, I'd have to be prudent enough to resist impulsive, wishful-thinking type emotions.  It will take strength.  Well if Ayesa isn't already street-smart on what it takes to get secured in the United States the deviant way, it is probable somebody will educate her to become street-smart.  (On the other hand, maybe she posesses the knowledge, but her primary objective isn't to stay in the USA, but to milk cash out of you by tinkering with your emotions, and assuming that you'll always be there with something to squeeze out).

My suggestion is to get the divorce as soon as possible and cut your losses.  It could even be a divorce with dignity.  Perhaps, on the premise that Ayesa was forced into this situation by her family, a divorce will mutually be the best thing for both of you.  Perhaps even offering a divorce might lift a huge burden off of her shoulders.  There'll be no reason for her to have to feel prisoner in a loveless marriage, and the need to hide from you and invent new alibis. If the divorce is by mutual consent, there is no reason for anybody to seize property from the other.  In hindsight it is a marriage that should have never consummated.  In further hindsight, a courtship that should have never taken place.  Personally, I could not be bothered to waste my time or money dating a girl with whom there were no sparks.  But people do persue courtships for other reasons like social acceptance, material things and money.

Remember one thing about marriage.  There will always be hard times from time to time.  When love is a 2-way street, the love that the couple can both cherish from the inception of their courtship, makes it worth persevering through life's storms.  The incentive is there with the "OUR relationship comes first" type of thinking.  But if the marriage was entered into for any other reason, once reality hits, and the unique responsibilities associated with marriage and family life, then marriage to that person will become ever more unbearable.  That's when one spouse tries to stay away from the other as much as possible, etc.

Be strong.  Be rational.  I've been in that situation when I was going through my divorce.  For my own good and my own sanity, I had to get it over as soon as possible.  Believe me, my ex-wife certainly messed with my emotions, because the fact that I loved her, and was broken-hearted, it showed her my weak spot.  Based on my weak spot, she had the power to manipulate me.  You know, she used to even make fun of me sometimes because I looked sad.  When she announced her divorce plan, and I cried, she said "You're too sensitive."

She also said, "If you marry another Filipina, she's going to do exactly the same thing I did to you."  Well a statement like that is testimony to the vicious attitudes that alot of groups of Filipinas harbor in the United States, and the Philippines too.  I can't believe that a Filipina would openly brag, in line at the U.S. Embassy, with her Filipino boyfriend, about marrying her 60-year-old fiancee and divorcing him in one year.  Some people are really cruel and ruthless.  Some can look sweet and innocent, the trait of the Filipina that attracts westerners, but be worse than a white-collar criminal bank officer.  Worse because not only is money stolen for selfish gain through trickery, but because a heart is broken.  When a man or a woman truly loves somebody and gives his/her heart to him/her, he/she is truly making himself/herself vulnerable.  The other party has the power to strike a severe personal blow to the other spiritually.  But love is also a very powerful think, and when it is what is shared between two people, it is the best thing that can boost the morale of each party.
I hope and pray that you find real love someday.

Hang in there.

Cheers,

Kevin

With all due respect, I believe your post was like reviewing a movie when you have only seen half or just the end of it.To say "you are determined to focus on and persue the destruction of your marriage"is just plain wrong.Mr.H has already gone to great lengths and showed great strength in trying to make his marriage work.I don't know if you read the archives but you can go back quite some time to read this.

Also "it is you deciding to end this marriage" is a statement that would be funny if the situation wasn't so tragic.It's pretty clear(at least to me)what her intentions are.Remember, Filipinas don't like confrontation so what better way to avoid it then to run and hide.I believe,Howard, your wife knows you are a kind man so this makes avoiding you even more important.I think she feels shame.But H,you been around like most of us.If a chick doesn't love you can't make her.Hurts like a MoFo but whatcha goin do?

Finally,Happy Idiot, I would say Howard made the decision to see a therapist or a counselor long before the decision to see a lawyer.You don't have to go back into the archives too far to read that.

I believe you were well intentioned,Happy Idiot, but not well informed.It's late and I read your post a couple of times.Howard doesn't need me to defend him but I felt I had chime in.Now I gotta crash.Goodnight.

tito Matt

That's a classic line. But ain't that the truth!

When are we all going to get together? Tell you're bro to give me a call. I figure he lost my number again, because I haven't heard from him. ;o)) I didn't lose his, I just have it filed away in a very good place.... I'm sure I will find it one day when I let my wife "straigten" out my office. LOL Jay, if you're out there email me...I lost my address book in the computer melt down.

Dave H.

Your observation that many Filipinas tend to run and hide because they don’t like confrontation is in line with my own experiences. That’s exactly the way my ex would behave. Rather than confront a sticky issue head on, she would keep it inside and hide it. A couple of years after she left, she explained to me that she was too ashamed at the time to tell me why she was leaving, so she just snuck out.

That could very well be why Howard’s wife won’t talk to him. Maybe she is too ashamed or she is just taking the easy way out by avoiding any confrontation. That’s what makes it so hard, the not even knowing why. But I got over it and I think Howard will.

How’s Joy adjusting so far?

Ray

I can't believe how quick this old bachelors pad has become like a home.I am still getting used to it all but we are having alot of fun.I feel very blessed.

I hope you and the family have a Happy Thanksgiving!

tito Matt

You're right, I am only responding to the current posts and haven't researched the history of Howard's posts in this forum.  When I posted, I did not mean to attack Howard, but to point out some things from my interpretation of what he was saying.  My assumption from the level of thought that Howard had put into his post was that he would be more than capable of considering and evaluating what people said and making his own decisions.  So I'm glad we agree that Howard doesn't need someone to defend him, and I apologize if my views came across as attacking.  However, I still stand by them.

Hey, also thanks for the explanation of your name.

Yeah right I am a Filipina but I am here not to defend
her . I am here to tell you to be strong and do whatever
you think is best. You know her( Ayessa) more  than
anyone here in this board. Whenever you decide to do
something in your marriage....take it slowly but surely.

For now, don't think too much about her(ignore  her).
Think about your health, your future. Go out! Have fun
and forget the rest of the world except OBinL.

Take care.

Peaches

Willy

PS. You're still young!

You've gotta do what you gotta do! You know what is right in your mind and heart. I think you made your mind up a while ago, but just continued to give it your best shot. I would have to agree, that there hasn't been any significant overtures of commitment to the marriage on her part for a he11 of a long time.

Good Luck! Keep the faith...your dream will come true!

Dave H.

What would it mean to you personally, if you read that they (Howard and his wife), had both decided to work on their personal and marital issues, in spite of the difficulty, and improved and repaired the damage that has been done to their relationship?