A comment by a poster here really irked me

[Troy]

Someone here recently posted this and it bothered the hell outta me because I think it represents the me-first mindset that has plauged marriages involving Americans :

"...Neither of us had good first marriages partly because we placed our children and family above our spouses. We discussed this before we married and we both agreed on two things. First, we are each other's highest priority. Second, sex is the glue that holds a marriage together so let's make sure there's plenty of glue! So far so good!"

Is it me or this an incredibly selfish, narrowminded, and foolish ideology?

First, about this 'spouse over child' thing. Maybe this poster meant children OVER THE AGE OF 18. If not, then thid dude's got problems.

I would never, NEVER neglect my wife, but if my child needed me, then I know my wife would expect me to attend to my child frist, as my wife is old enough and experienced enough to care for herself, while a child is not. If that child became a functional adult, then my priority would turn to my wife. But until then, that child is my responsibility, mine and my wife's, and my child would never feel abandoned cuz mommy and daddy needed a little 'get-away' time.

I was raised to believe that bringing a child into the world was much more than a burden, or the inevitable result of sex. It was a the onset of lifelong responsibility and sacrafice. I would sacrafice my life for my child, yes, and I'm also smart, mentally healthy, and efficient enough to understand priorities. I understand that I can give enough love and attention to my wife and my child, that a competition is not required. Also, I understand that I must keep myself healthy, yet not at the detriment of the life that my wife and I decided to bring into this world. I would hope that understanding this is part of being a parent.

My wife's got my back and I've got hers, and if we need to go solo for a spell to deal with our child, we know that we will always have each other. But our child only has us, and not the experience to deal with the curve balls life sometimes throws. I, nor my wife, would never abandon our child, not even for a short period of time. I am not that selfish and neither is my wife. The priority is the child. I will repeat, the priority is the child.

SECONDLY, this comment about sex being the glue to hold a marriage together-- Wow, now here I am thinking that it was love that was that infamous glue, not sex. Should hope this poster and his spouse are never rendered disabled to an extent that sex is undoable; because that glue is going to be worthless.

Unbelievable.

[kented]

... in response to A comment by a poster here really irked ..., posted by Troy on Sep 16, 2004

Kids will be happiest if their parents are happy.  My ex Colombian wife put herself first, the kids second and me last.  I knew I would never tolerate that again.

One of my present wife's best traits is she is a devoted mother and there were times when I was not sure where I stood.  Once I simply told her that no matter what, her daughters would always be her daughters since they didn't have a choice.  But I did have a choice and if she wanted me in her life, she needed to act like it.  My wife understood and realizes that I am that valuable to her.  

It's not like her daughters suffer.  I treat them well, they adore me and we get along well.  But when it comes to daily details and the ocasional decision to piss off the seventeen year old or piss me off, she takes my side.  This was a litmus test in our relationship.

Sex and love are the glue tha hold a relationship together.  When sex is a manifestation of love, it is the ultimate intimacy.  Sex without love doesn't help a relationship survive.

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to A comment by a poster here really irked ..., posted by Troy on Sep 16, 2004

Why are my wife and I so hot for each other? Because we are wildly in love with each other - the sex is in our heads. Our bodies just reflect the desire that we feel for each other in our minds and our hearts. My wife had a miscarriage a few months ago and it left her with a bit of a tummy that she is trying to work off. Does it turn me off? Hell no, I think she's hotter than ever. When she is old and gray, for me she will still be the hottest chick on the planet.

[Killi]

... in response to A comment about sex, posted by utopiacowboy on Sep 17, 2004

cheers!

[kented]

... in response to A comment about sex, posted by utopiacowboy on Sep 17, 2004

Right on.

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to A comment by a poster here really irked ..., posted by Troy on Sep 16, 2004

Either I did not state myself clearly or you misunderstood me. In either event let me make this clear. I have 4 children and 3 stepchildren. They think the world of me - I make time to coach their soccer and baseball teams - I help them with their homework - I am about the most involved father you could imagine. My wife is a very devoted mother and stepmother. I never have a problem with her attending to the needs of our children and she never has a problem with my doing so. We are adults after all and it is an adult's responsibility to tend to the needs of their children. However I still stand by my statement that my wife is Number 1 and everyone else, children, parents, grandparents, friends etc. is behind her. Actually I think the kids understand that loving their mother is the best thing that you can do for them. My oldest stepson wrote me a note in which he said, "I hope that God recompenses you, not so much for all the wonderful things you have done for us children, but for what you have done for my mother. You have made her so happy."

[kented]

... in response to You can be irked if you want, posted by utopiacowboy on Sep 16, 2004

I was in Costa Rica ten days in July.  The first weekend, we went the Playa Dominical and Manual Antonio with the girls and had a great time.  

The following weekend, I wanted to go away alone with my wife.  She didn't want to do something without the girls at first.  Her insticts are to think mother first but I convinced her we needed some time alone together.

Our evening at Tamarindo we were having a romantic dinner and she told me that the eight year old had said that I loved my wife more than the daughter.  When we got back, I explained to her (the girl) how much I loved her  but also how much I loved her mother and asked her if she wanted her mother to be happy.  

It was a great talk and she understood completely.  Reality make the children the focus of things almost always but the husband and wife are the center of the familiy.  Like your step-son, my step-daughters appreciate what I do for their mother and realize that her happiness directly benefits them.

[Pete E]

... in response to A comment by a poster here really irked ..., posted by Troy on Sep 16, 2004

I agree with both of you actually.
First I have never seen the husband be before the child with a Colombiana.But the relationship is primary in that without it everything falls apart.I have seen that,experienced it actually,the relationship being way back in priority and it doesn't work.
So,let me state it the way I think it should ideally be.It has never been this with me so I am still hoping.
I know for a Colombiana children and her family are very important so never put them in the possition of choosing between them and you.BUT,the relationship needs to be very good or it all falls apart.There does need to be love and respect for each other and good sex does kind of cement that.But this poster makes a good point of love being more valuable than sex.Sounds reasonable but sometimes they are hard to seperate,seem to go together.But real love would even survive sex being not possible,as he has stated.
So I agree with that,while also ageeing that good sex is very important in holding the relationship together.Might even hold a relationship togerther where everything else is right but the relationship is less than pure love.

Pete

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to A comment by a poster here really irked ..., posted by Troy on Sep 16, 2004

Troy

I have had 3 children and I have always been there for them.  I have a 7 year old and 2 grown children.  I see my 7 year old twice a week and if something happened to his mother I would not hesitate to raise him alone.

However, I agree that the spouse should come first.  That doesn't mean that you abandon the children.  To me it means that your primary focus is the needs of your spouse.  It means you make sure your spouse receives the time and attention they need.

When I was in Cali the first time I met my wife I also met another American at an agency.  He was older than me, but he insisted he would never marry a woman with children.  His reasoning was that if she has children some of her energy and attention would go to them and he wanted all of her attention and energy.  I almost accepted his line of thought.

My wife has two children she brought with her.  My wife gives me all of the time and attention and energy that I want.  In fact she sometimes give me more than I want.  She gives me more time and love than any other woman I have known, including those who had no children.  She puts me first before her children, but she doesn't neglect them.

Some people in this world live by a mindset that parents should serve their children.  I don't accept that mindset.  We should care for them and love them, but they are not our masters.  However, people in that mindset often can't see the other side because it's like a religion to them.

But just so that other poster knows, I think his reasoning is solid.  Care for and love your children, but place your spouse first.  That's better for the children because if we do that the parents will probably stay together, and that's what the children want.

Steve

[Hoda]

... in response to The post seemed reasonable to me, posted by DallasSteve2 on Sep 16, 2004

Steve, first let me say, that you are one of kind in loving & accepting a woman with children. You've seen for yourself, how others have overlooked & discarded good women w/children in your travels south. Now when our baby arrived, for a brief spell, my status was 1-A in the house (lol). Hey, it was her first child. You gotta expect that from a first time mother. But to quote you, let there be no mistake "Care for and love your children, but place your spouse first."

[kented]

... in response to Way to go..., posted by Hoda on Sep 17, 2004

It was your child so that makes it a little easier to accept since clearly you were part of the child.  

With Steve and myself we walked into a ready made family.  My wife and her teenage daughter are best friends and the three of them are extremely close.  

The rewards of a woman with children are enormous.  I am 100% certain of my wife's fidelity during the year it is taking to get her visa.  She is a mother and her first priority is taking care of her girls.  There is less competition and I knwo I found a really unique wonderful woman who many might have overlooked because of the children.

But I did need to emphasize that she would only be the center of my entire life if she made me the center of hers.  The children are very happy but, as you say, "place your spouse first".

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to The post seemed reasonable to me, posted by DallasSteve2 on Sep 16, 2004

Could not have said it better myself.

[CaliBound]

... in response to The post seemed reasonable to me, posted by DallasSteve2 on Sep 16, 2004

It's a good thing that I never neglected my children because when my wife got up and left, they decided to stay with me. They told me that they would not leave me alone. They are my best friends. They don't live with me now, but they surely call me every day.

The ex-wife...  It seems that her husband is too busy worrying about his money. When she gets down on all four, she presents a very  nice target, but her husband aim is no good at all. He is not hitting the target. Also, she is always complaining that he does not like to go down and nibble on the "cangrejo". Sometimes she calls me for some good old fashioned phone sex. I'm going to start charging her a few bucks a minute.

These days, a wife may not last you forever, but your children will.

- Frank -

[Heat]

... in response to A comment by a poster here really irked ..., posted by Troy on Sep 16, 2004

It's easy to see you have never been married.

The poster is %100 right.

[lswote]

... in response to It's the sex..........., posted by Heat on Sep 16, 2004

I know this a bit revealing on my part but I don't know how to disagree with you without being frank. Since my wife had our baby in January ... well it was a very big baby and her body suffered for it and isn't what it was before the baby and she isn't as physically appealing to me anymore and sex has suffered considerably.  But I don't really consider our marriage in trouble at all because I love her more than ever and in my opinion that is really the glue of our marriage, not sex.