I'd like to apologize . . .

[kevin]

for some of the things I said that might have been taken the wrong way.

I'm hurt and discouraged.  But I have the strength and the will-power to move on and not bury my head in the sand as some might suggest.

What happened is just a part of the process in persuit of a Fil-Am relationship.  It hurts like hell.  It was a setback.

Well, I can't think quite clearly right now.  There's so many things in my mind.  Like all of you here, I just want to be happy.

- Kevin

[Bear]

... in response to I'd like to apologize . . ., posted by kevin on Aug 16, 2001

I think that i have to agree that it is still a little too soon to drop her completely because you appear to have strong feelings.  But that doesn't mean you can't go and tell her how its going to be (something along the line of what TNeal said).  

With Honey she was happy to tell them I was buying her and home their and going to help her siblings go to college.  I think they miss understood all this and believed they'd get more.  Not being there I can't discuss it with them and their attitude about honey is she in their dughter and she will obey.  Honey is caught in the middle and can obey two masters.  They do not understand.  I won't give it to her but they think I am good and generous, but she gives them lots of things and she's bad?

BTW, Honey is moving in with a cutie named Christie and her sister?  Her parents are financially secure with a fruit selling business.  Need another penpal?  I agree that coresponding with one until you know for sure is a humongous mistake (yeah I know I did it but she was an answer to a prayer and I did start out writing 14).  If you were to tell Analyn that you decided to write more penpals other than her because you and her are having differences you can't accept it might bring her around but you hope you can work it out.  Don't be afraid to *tell* her what will be when she get here.

Bear

[tomtneal]

... in response to I'd like to apologize . . ., posted by kevin on Aug 16, 2001

And you can be happy if you look over the small things in life,she still might be the right women for you so what her family asks for things from you it happens to us all,the only word you need to say is NO and leave it at that,don't read something into it that may not be there,Jessica Father asked me to send him money to build a rent house i said nope but can i borrow $25.00 dollars until payday,to this day not one person has asked for anymore from us,but we still send around $150.00 a month back to her parents we have been married 3 years now no green card shark here,but her first hope was to help ALL her family with a better life without them working i told her no while i was in the PI now that she is in the USA she understands perfectly,she works also and sees money doesn't go far
tneal

[Don J]

... in response to I'd like to apologize . . ., posted by kevin on Aug 16, 2001

Kevin:

Quite a rampage you went on over the past 24 hours!

Don’t be led to think that the entire population in the RP is out to drain you for every penny you have, that just isn’t the case. Yes there are some families who may feel that they have hit paydirt that their daughter has an American boyfriend, but probably fewer than you can imagine. Just like our country the Filipino’s have different classes of society, there are hard working families that have busted their butts to put their children through college so their children can have a better way of life than they had. The problem is, lack of jobs. When and if you ever visit the RP, you will find that many of the people working in fast food restaurants, department store clerks, waiters, busboys, housekeepers and other menial positions in the work force are young people holding degrees in computer science, engineering, nursing, accounting just to name a few.
Getting the degree is just part of the dilemma in the RP, getting certification as a RN, CPA and other occupations which require government certification is yet another cross to bare. It all boils down to Money, Power and who you know in the government. It no secret that the Government is very corrupt in the RP, at election time politicians go from house to house buying votes from people in the provinces. You have a family of nine? Okey, “here is 900ph or 1,800ph be sure to vote for me”. It happens all the time.

There are also those who have never amounted to anything less than a street beggar who send their children into the streets to pray on foreigners at ages as young as 2 or 3 years old often accompanied by a slightly older brother or sister to watch over them. Later in life you may find these same children working street corners prostituting themselves, working in bikini bars or committing other street crimes. Not much different than life in some of our large cities.  

Religion is a very big part of the Filipino culture, is there hypocrisy among parishioners? Does a bear s**t in the woods? (no offense Art )). I can’t think of  any houses I visited in Cebu city or the provinces that didn’t have a some type of religious articles in their house, church services start at around 5:00AM and run to 9:00PM or later on Sundays. You can attend a mass any day of the week there, while waiting for a flight at the airport or shopping in the malls at mid day an announcement comes across the PA system and the entire malls will stop while a prayer is observed, flying on PAL or taking a SuperCat jaunt will start and end with a prayer. Religion is a huge part of the Filipino culture and if  Jesus was to visit the Philippines he would most definitely be welcomed as the Pope was welcomed several years ago when he visited the Islands.

In a way I can understand your recent bitterness because you feel as if you have been somehow betrayed by this girl, what surprises me is that some people on the board agree with you. Here’s my opinion and as my Father (God rest his sole) used to say, opinions are like A**holes, everyone has one and they are better kept to oneself. Analyn is the oldest of 6 children, working for probably peanuts. The eldest daughter  is expected to help other family members in the RP again different culture than we may be used to, the eldest in many cases will never marry and be cast as the old maid in the family. The family now lives in Cebu City probably because of the opportunities of employment it offers and the available affordable and qualified educational facilities on the island. You have been corresponding with her via Internet for the past 8 months probably because the family does not have a phone (HA! a cell phone could be handy!), and you have yet to actually visit her in her country. I’m sure there have been discussions probably early in your correspondence of you traveling to visit her, I wouldn’t be surprised if maybe some words of affection where tossed about from time to time. But you are 35, and mature enough to know that until you actually meet face to face that words mean nothing. She on the other hand will soon be 24, not exactly a little girl, however probably not very experienced in matters of the heart. So she hopes for a prosperous and happy life here in the states with you and wishes to be able to help her family have a better life one day. Why That Little B*t*h! what does she take you for, Nelson Trump, Donald Rockafeller )  

You know maybe this girl is trying to find something to hold on to, some sign that you are not just wasting her time with kind words, a sort of test to see if she really is special to you. Then again maybe she is listening to her friends and family members telling her by now you should have done something to show that you are serious about her.

Kevin; It Rips Your Heart Out? You don’t even know the girl yet!. My suggestion is that you keep your correspondences on a friendship basis until you have the time and means to go and see for yourself what the Filipino Culture is all about, reading about it on this board or in books will give you some insight but until you experience the real thing you shouldn’t pass judgment.

I don’t mean to be hard on you, but sometimes the cold hard truth is what it takes to get ones head out of the clouds.

Again just my opinion!

Don J

[tomtneal]

... in response to Re: I'd like to apologize . . ., posted by Don J on Aug 16, 2001

Truer words have never been spoken,well said and welcome back this board needs you both
tneal

[Howard]

... in response to Re: I'd like to apologize . . ., posted by Don J on Aug 16, 2001

Don,

Wow, I never thought of it that way.  You definitely bring up points to consider!

Maybe Kevin is over reacting, but I still think he has to vote his conscience.

H

[Stephen]

... in response to Re: I'd like to apologize . . ., posted by Don J on Aug 16, 2001

Don:

I agree that Kevin has gone overboard the last 24 hours.  (Yeah, like I've never done that myself LOL).

And I agree with much of what you say.

However, I think that the brother asking for a cell phone was tooooooo much.  It was out of place.  Some have advised to just go along with it because it's only $100 - $200.  But when will this testing stop?

Yes, the ladies want to help support their family back in the Phils once they get here in America.  But that  is a matter that should be talked about between the husband and wife.

For example, Tess sends a modest amount per month to her parents in Butuan City.  And then she helps her niece with college tuition.  But she tells me what she's doing.  Likewise, when I send money to my son at Oklahoma State University in Oklahoma I tell her first.  It would be just as wrong for me to send money behind her back and for her to do do without my knowledge.  

I think Kevin is right to move on from this lady.

Just my thoughts.

Stephen

[SteveG]

... in response to Re: I'd like to apologize . . ., posted by Don J on Aug 16, 2001

Don,
 Not wanting to speak for Kevin but he has been to the Philippines and was married to a Filpina (he met her as a penpal) for several years so his opinions/attitudes are not without some basis/experience.   OK, I'll shut up and let Kevin speak for himself from here on.
                                    SteveG

[SteveG]

... in response to I'd like to apologize . . ., posted by kevin on Aug 16, 2001

Kevin,
 I know you are going through a lot and I am sorry it didn't work out with Analyn.  As has been said before, it's better to end it now rather than later after even more emotional involvement.  Not much consolation at the moment though, is it?

 Some have suggested you back away from looking at Filipinas for an extended period of time.  I disagree with that.    After all, no matter what you are looking for, if you aren't looking, you definitely won't find it.  

 I think you should keep writing penpals BUT change your emphasis from finding a wife to just having fun conversations with female friends.   Just do it for fun and let things develop naturally if at all.   To up the odds of this working though it's essential to have enough penpals so that you don't have a tendency to overlook red flags to avoid losing any one of them.    I think many guys sabotage themselves by writing to only one or so few ladies that they plod along in a relationship they are uncomfortable with purely because of the time and effort invested.   They know it’s not right for them but they keep going anyway.   After all it's not easy to end a relationship after investing months or even a year or more if we feel we have to start all over again.   This is not nearly so true when you know several other ladies just as well as the one giving you doubt.    

 Sure there are some guys who just pick a woman, go after her and get married and all is well, but that's like watching the car in front of you stomp the gas pedal to beat an oncoming train and then doing the same because if he made it, I can too!   Your car is behind his and therefore closer to the train.   It's high risk behavior and the fact that someone else succeeded doesn’t mean you will.   There are literally thousands of Filipinas who have made their addresses available, so why limit yourself to only one or two when in the introduction stage?

 Hang in there, my experience has been that most Filipinas are very willing to live way below the means of the average American and ask for very little.   Sure most want to help their families but only to the extent that it doesn’t hurt their own immediate family, i.e. husband and children.  

 Just keep at it Kevin, you will find what you are looking for.

                                    SteveG

[Zebson]

... in response to I'd like to apologize . . ., posted by kevin on Aug 16, 2001

Kevin..no problem. I was actually so stimulated by so many things you brought up in your various posts to people below. I really became somewhat overwhelmed with so many thoughts I have had recently about relationships, etc. but right now I just can't seem to formulate them into meaningful words to make sense. Sometimes our biggest struggle often comes from ourselves. We want answers, we want things to make sense, we want to be given the bigger picture, but the timing is not there. For me, it lets me know I have only one course of action left that can resolve and provide the peace I need....and that is a simple faith in a merciful God that I can talk to anytime and find my refuge in.

Zeb

[Howard]

... in response to I'd like to apologize . . ., posted by kevin on Aug 16, 2001

Kev,

No need to apologize, we're all friends here :c)  Just step back and figure out where you are, where you want to be, and how you're gonna get there.  We'll be here to prop you up when you need it :c)

I am sorry that this happened, but better to be extra cautious now, than to regret not being cautious enough later!

Keep the Faith

H