the money issue

[Lori]

Since there has been talk lately on this board about money issues, I'd Like to tell you my experience with Thai's family.
As most of you know I saved and sacrificed alot to go to Vietnam. I had the intention of giving Thai what money I had left over from the trip. I planned on paying for several things like taxi's, trips, restraunts. I can only say it was a major battle. They did not want me to pay for a thing. I tried to sneak and pay...I got very creative in my tactics. But with the language barrier...it was usually them who ended up paying. I did get to pay for the taxi's. I'd grab the seat next to the taxi drivier, and pay him as soon as we stopped, before anyone had a chance to know what happened.
Thai has never asked me for a penny. Neither has his family. Right before I left, I tried to give Thai the money I had left over( minus a hundred). He refused, said his family would be very upset if they knew he took money from me. Said it was not their custom. I tried explain to him that it was my custom, that when we leave a person we love very much we give them money. Well, he did'nt buy it. He said, "I'm not as stupid as you think I am". Which was very funny because I had said that to him once and he remembered the saying(very smart man)....oh, but I am getting off the subject...I fianlly stuck the money in his back-pack before I left. he has never said anything about it. I would not be suprised if he showed up in america with that amount of money.
So, do you guys think my money situation is differant because I am a woman, or is it differant because of the vietnamese culture??

[Bear]

... in response to the money issue, posted by Lori on Aug 17, 2001

I think your right.  He'll bring ther money back with interest.

Both.  Men do not like to think they are being taken care of.  Its an insult to their manhood.  To be helped by someone who he is supposed to be strong for might hurt his ego.  Thai's culture might make those feelings even stronger.

It might be interesting to be a fly on your wall when you discuss this with him.

Bear

[Dave H2O]

... in response to the money issue, posted by Lori on Aug 17, 2001

...all of the above (or below in this case).

Lori,

It's impossible to narrow it down to just one thing. Thai's refusal of money was probably due to a combination of Love, Concern, Pride, Honor, Culture, Customs, and just plain being a man...and whatever else I forgot. ;o))

When I tried to leave Marife money, the same thing occurred. Well..except in this case she (definitely) is a woman. ;o)) I even tried hiding money in her belongings, but she is very neat and organized. She found it and returned it, scolding me. Love and concern for me and my sons was probably the most important factor in her refusals. She could not bear the thought that we might go without anything, because she took money from me. I am sure that was probably most important to Thai also. Eventually I was able to convince her to take a little money. I was only able to accomplish this after she was convinced that my boys and I had the latest of everything and did not want for anything...kids in the USA...yah right! But she bought it, having never been to America. Then the money was only accepted in the name of Visa expenses, with the promise to repay me when she started working in America. It was a bit frustrating...but a good type of frustration to have.

Dave H.

[Ray]

... in response to the money issue, posted by Lori on Aug 17, 2001

Lori,

I think Jeff S explained it very well.

San Diego has a large Vietnamese community, mostly “boat people” that came here with nothing more than the shirts on their backs. When these refugees were settled in San Diego, they were signed up for welfare assistance and provided with housing by the government. The one thing that really impressed me was that many or most of these people eventually paid back all the government assistance that they had received over the years while they were getting back on their feet. When is the last time you heard of an American paying back their welfare benefits after they got a job? I think it’s mostly a matter of pride that seems to be very prevalent in Asia.

Still waiting to hear more on the "honeymoon" :-)

Ray

[Jeff S]

... in response to the money issue, posted by Lori on Aug 17, 2001

Lor:
While it is partly a guy "thing" to be self sufficient and not be willing to accept money from a woman - even more so in Asia where male/female relationships are far more defined than here, so there is a pride dynamic at work. More than pride, though is that he's revealing a part of his character by completely taking money out of the equation and showing you what your relationship is really based on. We've read quite a few stories here of their fiances refusing money and other stories where dirt poor people help out others and expect nothing in return except gratitude. These are the things that reveal people's character. I think you have a real keeper there!
-- Jeff S.

[FilipinaCupid]

... in response to the money issue, posted by Lori on Aug 17, 2001


And I believe it is the culture also.  Desperate times makes it hard to be true to your heart and beliefs sometimes, so those that are strong in belief and character who stay true are to be cherished indeed.

Congratulations and thank you for sharing such good experience,

Blessings,

Jean
PS. Yes, your gift of money will still be in his backback in USA :-)  

I hope you frame it as ART of Love.

[outwest77]

... in response to Lori, I think it is LoVe!   . . plus jus..., posted by FilipinaCupid on Aug 17, 2001

too bad ur engaged

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Lori, I think it is LoVe!   . . plus..., posted by outwest77 on Aug 17, 2001

she know the right girl for you though.

Bear

[Stephen]

... in response to I bet...., posted by Bear on Aug 17, 2001

Jean does have some very nice ladies on her site....and the price is right.....FREE.

Get some addresses.

[kevin]

... in response to the money issue, posted by Lori on Aug 17, 2001

Frankly, I think your situation is special.  It's pretty obvious that you're in it because of love.  Contrast this to being "slapped-in-the-face" and bad-mouthed behind your back as being "kuriput", "thrifty", or a "cheap Charlie" because your money didn't stretch far enough.

It is obvious that some guys on this board think that they're hotshots because they can hop on a plane to the Philippines on a whim, throw money around, and exalt themselves that they have buying power for affections that the other guys don't.  Well, in my book, such an attitude is plain stupidity.

A man or a woman should realize how lucky he or she is, if he or she can realize that their "mahal's" affection is for real and not conditional on how much money he or she can dole out.

- Kevin

[Lori]

... in response to Re: the money issue, posted by kevin on Aug 17, 2001

Hey Kev,
I know you are going through a tough time right now. I have not responded to your posts because I don't think I really have anything construtive to say to you. I am not in your shoes. I have not lived your life, and I do not have your mind. So, definatly, I'm not gonna judge you. But I will give you a little advise, if you don't mind.
First don't ever base all your happiness into one single person. I think 9 out of 10 times you'll get burned. Believe me, I did that and was a wreck for a long time. Know what I did about it? I took a year off...from men all together. I learned to be happy with myself. It was then that I found true love. And i learned that you can't REALLY love anyone untill you can love yourself.
Second, honey, you REALLY need a break from filipina's. I am not really sure what this new women did. But it seems to me that you are ready to give up EVERYTHING you have with her all of a sudden. And yes, you do seem a little negative on the pinays. Study a few other asian cultures. The language barrier is not always there, you'd be suprised.
I don't know Kev, it's just hard to see you hurting like this and if I had a majic wand, I would wave it over you and give you all the luck in the world.
Frinds...Lori

[Ray]

... in response to Re:for kevin, posted by Lori on Aug 17, 2001

Oh, if you still need that magic wand, try here:

http://unrestrained.com/html/magicwand.html

Ray

[Lori]

... in response to Excellent advice Lori!, posted by Ray on Aug 18, 2001

you are very naughty boy!!!

[tomtneal]

... in response to Re: the money issue, posted by kevin on Aug 17, 2001

Kevin
Get back on your pills you are goeing nuts right in front of our keyboards
tneal
ps are you houndogs brother

[SteveG]

... in response to Re: Re: the money issue, posted by tomtneal on Aug 17, 2001

Tom,
 That's a low blow!     I don't know ANYBODY on any of these boards who deserves to be compared     to the infamous Houndog.   Especially Kevin.   Kevin is just going through a rough time and feeling sort of negative, Houndog on the other hand thoroughly enjoyed wildly attacking with curse filled insults anybody who even appeared to disagree with him.  There's no similarities at all between them in my opinion.
                                       SteveG