I know a lot of guys do not like that way I did it (meet my Asawa) but I think what matters is doing what you feel comfortable with and bringing it to the point of marriage and family.
When I met Honey my divorce was in the bad stage and I was a pain to a lot of people here (reminds me of Humabdos, Shadow, Kevin). I was so sure I was getting a divorce I had started writing 14 other girls (BTW, I had been separated for over a year at this point). Two penpals were worth more effort but later on several more wanted more to see what would come from more communication. I met everyone of them in chat rooms. I stayed away from the #manila and #filipino chat rooms but used those chat rooms to locate other Filipina hangouts in other chat rooms. It seemsed to me that the larger city girls would be too Americanized. I still think I was right about that.
I do not like long waits. I was thinking about useing Filipina Cupids service and ordering some addresses after my divorce was final but I never got a chance. I met one girl in Cebu (a nurse who until she started treatening suicide I thought would be the one), another working as a stewardest, and then Honey in Davao. I developed a list of questions and I let it be known from the beginning what I was looking for (so did they) and after about 3 letters/e-mails I sent the questions. They were impossible to decipher what my intent was but it allowed me to see what they were really thinking. Honey was the only one who answered everything perfectly. If the other girls had answered them right I would not have still been looking. I always intended (per advice from the guys on this board and the old www.bridesbymail.com bulluitin boards) to write 20-30 and meet 5 or so on a trip there. But for some reason when I saw foolishness begin I stopped dead in my tracks and concentrated on others. I think I knew exactly what I wanted but I never did, and should have, wrote it down. I highly recommend you right it down.
I was using the handle "A_Lonely_Male" in the chat rooms. I mean hundreds of Filipinas chatted in with me. And I do mean hundreds. I know this sounds unbelieveable but when Honey chatted in using the name "Sweet Darl'", I looked at that name and said "This is the one". What the girls always liked about me was I immediatedly, using mail forwarding, sent a letter with pictures. Man it only took a few days but then they would chat back in and praise me for sending them letters and pictures and they responded with the same. Honey was no different. She sent me a picture on the first chat. I thought, "she sure looks sneaky and confidant". I liked it. The next day I had an e-mail from her thanking me for chatting with her. She scared me silly though because of the age. I still have fears and concernes over our age differnce but i also know I love her so I'll deal with it.
She was diffrent from the others because she was not specifically looking but still looking. So marriage was not her intention when we first started writting. She also had something else only one other girl had so far shown which was the ability to communicate for hours at a time, every day. She worked in the computer lab of her college.
I am very religious (not fanatical) and I believe that we should all make our own decisions after doing lots of research and putting out efforts. Still I wanted Heavenly Fathers approval. I believe that marriage is too important a decision to make without his approval. Honey agreed with me so we prayed about it together. No one else had been willing to do that with me. The answers she and I got were miraculous. Both separate prayers and prayers together. She prayed to see a flower (it was after midnight there but she turned and saw a woman carrying 2 dozen roses). I said I would marry the first girl who sang a song to me. Honey was singing to me within 5 minutes of that prayer because she had seen the flowers. I did something I had never done before. I told her I would hold nothing back and tell her all the truths about everything.
That's when the governement got involved because of some stupid legal things I had done 20 years earlier (I actually filed lawsuits against the president, several senators, congressmen, judges and government officals - hehehe. But I dropped it after an understanding a few years later). They made some ignorant mistakes and I knew if I had pushed it I could win millions in court. So I broke up with her. That's when she made the "Foolish Girl" posts here.
Yeah I know I had all the answers before that and that Heavenly Father had confirmed our prayers both together and apart. But it was not until I read her posts here that I really understood how much she loved me. Funny at that same time my "ex" decided to not sign the divorce papers and my bishop told me he would not support the divorce either.
So I grabbed a tape recorder and went to the governement officials office and recorded his treats and lies. I typed them out and sent him a notarized copy with a copy of the tape and told him I wanted my passport in 30 days and I would not sue him. I had it in less than 2 weeks.
I did some incrediatbly cruel things to my "ex" (I honestly didn't think I had it in me) like taking all the money out of her account and taking the new car away from her, putting different locks on the storage, others things as well. She signed the papers that night and I returned everything to they way it was the next day.
Then I told my bishop that the divorce was signed and his support was not nescessary anymore.
I told Honey what I had done and as you can see we are now married.
With Honey I left no stone unturned, no making the same mistakes I made in my first marriage. We talked about every aspect of marriage and what we would do under various circumstances. I made my expectations more than clear. And I wanted to know hers as well. She appreciated the truth even though it was pretty hard to deal with, even for me. It nearly killed me when she cried at some of the things I had done. She wanted to help her family but only if it was possible, not as a requirement (at least 3 of the other penpals made it a requirement).
What we have in common. We are both people who did not have a lot of confidance in ourselves but we do in each other and we constantly build each other up. We both put immediate family first and things like her staying home and not working to homeschool the kids was easily agreed. Neither of us like TV much (although it is always on in both our homes). We both agreed to live and raise our kids here in the States but retire to the Phils. We both wamt to be good members of the church and to be active there. We both agreed to submit to the other in their areas of responsiblity and not to be angry without communicating the problem. Communications is a must, no tampos here from either of us. We talk about our dreams a lot and decribe them to each other in great detail.
I do not believe a single generalization I have heard about Filipinas. I think they make good wives because of the religious atmosphere they come from, the hardships they deal with daily and the "it takes a community" lifestyle. Take them out of that enviroment without replacing it with something equally as powerful in their life (taht had better be you) and you will have a woman that makes AW's seem tame. They put more efforts into their education because they are motivated to and they will do whats best for them if they do not see you are what's best. If that means using you to get to a place where thay can provide a better life for themselves and family, they'll do it.
But I think most want to be married to the right guy. My answer to this is discuss it with them. What would it take for them to leave? How do you have to meet their expectations? I personally do not think its wrong to want to improve onesself so it is up to us to make sure we have communicated those expectations. You got to remember most of these girls come from extreme poverty with little or no hope of getting out of it. They respect strength and see it in their lives every day - it gives them security. They'll try real hard if they know what you espect of them and they see their goals for themselves. If they do not see them and you have not understood their need and built a loving relationship, I think many will now-a-days leave you and never look back. Nor will they feel they did anything wrong.
Love is a feeling and an emotion but most of all its a act of physical effort. To meet and marry a woman from a differnt country, lifestyle, religiopus upbringing and with different expectations without planning on putting 10x the effort you would have an AW is a recipe for pain.
I honestly don't think I could be happier. I have never experienced the love Honey shows me. I want absolutely nothing less than her happiness. It is my goal in life. But she also knows it has to be within my sense of morality.
Its a little more that $0.02 worth but keep the change.
Bear
