Clarification of my latest Bogota trip

[lswote]

... in response to Hi Bruce, posted by greg on Oct 14, 2002

While chemistry is critical in a relationship, feeling a woman is "perfect" is not.  I am extremely attracted to this woman, it is just that based on appearance alone she wasn't my first choice to go after.  But getting to know her and her showing so much interest in me has compensated for the fact she has short hair instead of long and isn't quite as busty as I like.

This dating thing is not some casual walk down the mall where you window shop for the perfect woman.  If you are doing it honestly it is down and dirty in the trenches putting your heart on the line.  The very nature of these relationships intensifies things.  Or at least it can (and in my opinion should).  I know a lot of the men in the agency do have more of a detached attitude about things, but a lot of them hurt the women with this attitude because of their detachment.  The men hint or even blatantly talk of marriage only to get in the sack.  They pursue the women full blast while in Colombia to have a good time, then don't even call them when they get back to the states.  I have seen this with my own eyes, from guys who I thought were okay guys to hang out with otherwise.  But I think the women deserve better (and so do the men).

To answer your question, I guess a guy would rush himself, in large part because this whole process takes a toll on you and you can't keep it up forever.  Quite frankly, if things don't work out with this latest woman, I am done.  Or at least done for quite awhile.  I am a lonely man with no emotional support from anyone and I don't have the emotional luxury of traveling from city to city or country to country checking out every available women.  We all have our reasons and make our choices because of them.  I am not asking permission or even looking for approval for mine.  I can live with my choices.  But I am not settling for leftovers, just working within the reality of the circumstances of my life.

Bruce

[markxport]

... in response to Hi Bruce, posted by greg on Oct 14, 2002

Hi Greg,

I think Bruce said she did fit his ideal physical wish list.  In the greater scheme of things, its better to compromise on the physical elements, rather than on others, such as character.  After all, how many couples who have been married for +40 years, are still together because he has great pecs and she has tight butt.....

Take care,

Mark

[Tai]

... in response to Surprising answers, posted by lswote on Oct 14, 2002

[This message has been edited by Tai]

"I am sure many of you guys have the luxury of taking a lot of time, but I am lonely as hell, have no family or close friends and I want to start a life with someone."

"I am willing to take a certain amount of risk just to get out of my god-awful lonely life style."

These two passages tell all that needs to be told. And given the tone of your post, chances are that these words will fall on deaf ears, nevetheless...

As lonely as you may be, loneliness is not a good reason nor a good foundation on which to build marriage. I mean truthfully, aren't you just looking for a warm body to occupy some space?

Why not place this ad in the paper?:

"I am a god-awful lonely man, in search of a wife. You can have anything that you want; walk all over me, abuse me, see other men on the side, just spend some time with me so I don't feel so lonely."

Sounds a bit ridiculous doesn't it? Well, that is basically what you are saying to these women, by asking them to marry you without even knowing them. Women can smell desperation on a man like a bad cologne.

"You know a lot of these girls lose interest in American guys because they aren't willing to commit to marriage but treat the agency like some kind of dating service."

Yes, there are cases of that. HOWEVER, there is a gap(wider than the Grand Canyon) between that, and proposing marriage to someone that you BARELY know; especially someone that speaks a different language than your own.

Lastly...

When you ask a woman to marry you FIRST, and then try to get to know her...what you are doing is setting yourself up; virtually coaching the woman into saying everything that she "needs" to say, and everything that she knows you want to hear...in order to keep "the deal" in place.

just .02

Tai

"If you are bleeding in the water, the sharks WILL come."

[puckster]

... in response to Re: A Cry for Help, posted by Tai on Oct 14, 2002

Don't know if your aware that satistics of arranged marriages are just as likely to survive as any other. thats a fact. And they don't even have a chance to look at each other.
If your not lonely and perfectly content then why bother with the whole thing, let's face it, it's a lot of work, I'd rather get fat drinking beer watching football.
Or maybe it's better that you put the clothes of man who feels no pain and once you have convinced yourself of that you can act meaningfully

[El Diablo]

... in response to Surprising answers, posted by lswote on Oct 14, 2002


I'm probably being too tough on you but your posts give me the impression that you don't see reality very clearly.  For example, your comments about being dumped aren't entirely accurate from my understanding of your posts about Martha.  Being "dumped" implies that a relationship existed but I don't believe you ever had a relationship with her. You went out on a date or two and that was it and her interest was lacking from the start.  When I think of someone being dumped, I start with a real relationship where both people cared for the one another in a romantic way and then someone moves out of the relationship for some reason.  You're characterization of what happened as being ''dumped'' elevates your interest in Martha into something it most likely was not, a romantic relationship.

I think you are showing similar behavior with your new amiga also, you are taking the beginnings of what might be a relationhip and elevating the feelings into a lifetime committment for marriage.  Remember the day before your proposal you had a date with another woman, yet you are able to propose to a new woman the very next day.  

El Diablo

[El Diablo]

... in response to Clarification of my latest Bogota trip, posted by lswote on Oct 14, 2002


Come on, I think you are deluding yourself bigtime.  Did you really know the girl before this weekend?  OK maybe you've seen her at an agency party, said a few pleasantries but other than that you don't really know her.  It's sounds like this trip, your main interest was in a 37 year old who reminded you of Martha.  Is it a coincidence that you were pursuing another Martha type gal? I find it interesting that you continue to bring up Martha despite never having a real relationship with her, you went out with her once or twice and it was clear she was not interested in you which is sometimes the case.

With regard to your new fiancee, when the 37 year old Martha look alike stood you up on Friday night, you wisely moved on and met this other woman on Saturday.  When the date Saturday afternoon went well you asked her out for an evening date and then proceeded to pop the question!  So the reality is you didn't even wait a day, you proposed the night of the first day you went out with her and I'm guessing you know very little about her other than that she makes you feel good when you speak with her.  

I'm really not trying to pick on you per say but someone needs to shake you up and make you think about your choices.  I don't really know you but the way you have described your time in Bogota, it leads me to believe that you make relationship choices from desperation and fear rather than from stronger qualities like love and conviction of your heart.  I can't imagine a reason to propose on the first day other than out of desperation.  After reading your stories, I question whether you're psychologically ready to deal with a relationship at this time.

El Diablo

[Michael B]

... in response to Clarification of my latest Bogota trip, posted by lswote on Oct 14, 2002

Miss 30yo might be a fine, sincere woman. We're just saying SLOW down a little and GET TO KNOW HER first. The odds are 99% that she will still be availble next week....and if she isn't, well, won't you be glad that a woman that flightly becomes somebody ELSE'S problem?

No offense, but you went from scheduling dates with 2 women  you knew and "several new ones" in one weekend to engaged on your second date in a two day period. And this time last month you were going to marry Martha, weren't you?  You know, some of the agency girls know each other, and word does get around. You don't want them saying about you "Watch out for that one, he will ask you to marry him the second date, but then he will change his mind"....get that kind of reputation and there won't BE any second dates (and a lot less first dates too, except with the ones that only want is a night on the town on your credit card).

True, if you go back through the archives you will find I got engaged Martha (not your Martha, it's a very common name down there) on the first trip, but it was to a woman I had been speaking to for 6 months (in her own language) before I made the trip (to see only her, BTW and she knew that I was seeing only her), not to somebody that I had talked to through an intpreter for 3 hours max.

Best luck to you, just be careful and think things through, that's all.

[Bueller]

... in response to Re: Clarification of my latest Bogota tr..., posted by Michael B on Oct 14, 2002

What's the hurry?

[Jebster]

... in response to Clarification of my latest Bogota trip, posted by lswote on Oct 14, 2002

Just because you "saw" someone at a party 2 months ago does not mean you have "known" her for a while. You only know someone when you have been alone with them, communicating with them and experiencing them, their friends and family. And, doing all of this over an extended period of time. Since she does not speak English and you do not speak Spanish, you are taking a very, very risky and unwise course. I would also worry about a woman who would go so fast.

I wish you the best of luck, but your approach to this is simply naive and has a very low chance of success. With your proximity to Colombia and ability to travel there frequently, what is the pressure to rush into this, ignoring common sense and the expereince of many here who have seen this type of relationsghip fail time and time again?

Again, best of luck, if anyone will need it, you will.