Learning from Mistakes: Belated Trip Report

[John O]

I admit to being a "veteran" at this game, but I still seem to be making rookie mistakes. After several trips to LA & having several promising/budding relationships fall thru, I'm still single. I began this whole process thinking it would be easier & more successful than finding a wife here in the U.S. I still think women in LA make much better wives than AW (for me, at least), but I've come to learn the MOB/long-distance relationship process has pitfalls we don't encounter with AW, or with women who live nearby.

In any case, I've got an "inside job" to do. I'm trying to evaluate my previous decisions & actions in order to correct my mistakes & do better in the future.

In the past, whether at agencies or with penpals, I thought my mistake was having too many choices & taking too long to decide. So, the last go-round, I tried to do it differently. I initially wrote to many Colombian women, but narrowed my penpal list to 3 ladies, all of whom were 23-24 y.o. & lived in the same area. They all had great personalities, and seemed to like me a lot. I visited each of them on a trip 3 mos. ago.  

No. 1 on my list (call her PM) had a wonderful sweet personality, but I just didn't feel much chemistry with her on our 2 dates. No. 2  was clearly too heavy for my tastes. I chose No. 3 (JX) because she seemed to have a good personality & we had a lot of mutual chemistry. By the end of the trip, we were discussing marriage vs. fiancee visas.

Well, it didn't work out. After I'd left, JX showed more interest in school than in communicating w/me (infrequent emails, many missed phone dates). When she tried to put the onus on me for the communication lapses, I knew the relationship was in trouble. But I'd already bought my return ticket for August. So I went back to my list. I spent a week in Ctga/Bqlla & met with several new ladies, and a few old ones.

JX came to my hotel in Ctga. to see me. She was somewhat apologetic; I was cautious. Told her I was going to see friends in Sta Marta, then made the mistake of calling her later from Bqlla. Didn't know they had Caller ID in Colombia... D'oh! She caught me in a lie, which put the last nail in that coffin.

My former #2, PM, told me she'd be happy to see me again, but only as friends. When I met with her, I realized that I'd made the wrong choice in June. Maybe I should have wined & dined her, but in the past I haven't had much success persuading Colombian women to change their mind once they've dropped me (or in this case, been dropped once by me).

There are 3 other nice ladies I met on my August trip, but no one who really excites me like the ladies on my prior list. Right now I'm trying to decide whether to pursue PM or stick with the ladies currently on my list. Above all, I'm taking a hard look at myself & my past decisions/actions with a view to improving the odds of having a successful relationship.

Thx. for reading. Feedback or flames, lemme have it.

[Pete E]

... in response to Learning from Mistakes: Belated Trip Rep..., posted by John O on Sep 22, 2002

John,
I'm going to venture a guess,if I am off base please disregard.
To me it always seems a little unusual when guys have trouble finding a compatable woman in Colombia because to me it seems so easy.It seems to me it can happen first trip(Like myself) or 3-4 ought to do it for sure.If not there is something else going on.I suspect that often(this may or may not be so in your case)guys are shopping over their head even in Colombia.Its easy to do because the very young and attractive girls will give you some attention even if they are not attracted to you.Just being an american who is interested in them gets you some milage,but not a loving partner if it doesn't click for her.
Each guy has his own set of positive attributes,be it looks,money,personality,ect.If you find girls not responding to you you may be shopping over your head.In a way its worse than in the US because if you do that here they won't give you the time of day,in Colombia you can get some response even if they are not attracted to you.This is easy to get in to there.Beautifull girls who do pay some attention to you.
The solution?Dig a little,perhaps alot deeper in those books.If you are 45 + you might want to forget the 22 year olds and concentrate on over 30.There are lots of girls who are still more attractive than you will ever get here and they are relatively unspoiled.Gringos are basically giving them no attention.Alot of these girls look a whole lot better than their pictures,and there is that quality of attraction you experience when you can tell for sure they are attracted to you.This counts a whole lot.So find that girl that really resonds to you.Keep adjusting your parameters untill you get to the group that responds to you.Here is where the really good relationships start.Don't chase girls who show little interest in you just because you are interested in them.Thats a recipe for disaster.
That girl that really responds to you,who lights up when you enter the room will move up about 2 points on a 10 scale
in attractiveness to you.
This may not fit your situation at all.I think it does fit a some guys we have heard from recently.
Another possible problem is to limit yourself to the ones you corresponded with.This is a numbers game,you sometimes need to meet alot of women for it to click.Spending a trip seeing 2 or 3 girls who it doesn't click with is a slow way to go about it.I would say no chemistry,don't waste another miniute of your time,move on.

Pete

[CaliBound]

... in response to A possible reason for not finding the ri..., posted by Pete E on Sep 23, 2002

Pete, I agree with you about the age difference.  If you are over 40 you have not business getting involved with a 22 year old -- Unless you want to post a sad story on this board a few months from now ... and want to hear lots of "I told you so!"

My future wife is 37 years old and is one of the most beautiful ladies in Cali. I would not trade her for two 22 year old! I was her second interview in almost two years.  No one was asking for a date with her, but when she came to agency to meet me, there were about 5 guys salivating and asking for the next interview. I just can't wait to have my Colombian bon-bon! lol

Frank

[Calipro]

... in response to If You Are 40+ -- Forget The 22 Year Old..., posted by CaliBound on Sep 23, 2002

You are right about one thing if you can find a women 30 and over that you are attracted to, you should grab her. The over thirty crowd of women are not doing all that well in the agencies that have a lot of young women. So, you have a lot less competition from other american guys and most colombian guys won't marry them either(and if they have kids there is no chance for them). If you marry a women over 30 you should be able to cash in on the appreciation factor.

   If you marry a beautiful women under 20 without kids, like I did. You are competing head to head with just about very american that goes down there and every colombiano with some cash. I don't get the benifit of the appreciation factor. Yonger colombian women in my opionion are more demanding right from the start.

My wife is still living in Cali until I can take her to the embassy in December. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she wanted me to send her down 8 million pesos so she could buy a car to drive while she is waiting. I told her no and she was pretty mad at me until I sent her a picture of the sports car I bought her here.
 No doubt about it younger chicks are higher maintance. But, I'll pay the price. If you can find yourself a women over thirty that you are really attracted to, you will probably save yourself some headaches.

[Pete E]

... in response to If You Are 40+ -- Forget The 22 Year Old..., posted by CaliBound on Sep 23, 2002

Frank,
I would state it a little less absolutely.I think most guys over 40 are better off with girls a little older.Maybe 26 up and there can be some real winners in the over 30 group as you and I have both experienced.I took my wife out to dinner Saturday.Not only was she the best looking woman in the place but the restaurant has a big bar and I remembered
being there for a ski club singles party shortly before I met my wife.There were maybe 50 women at the party,no one even close to my wife.So I am thinking I did pretty good here.And I chose a 33 year old.She had been at the agency 6 months and I was her first interview.She is 36 now and even more beautifull.Maybe thats the clothes and hairstyles I am paying for!
But,I wouldn't absolutely say a 40 plus guy has no business choosing a 22 year old.I think its more risky but I know a couple of guys who did and its working well for them.One guy is 42,22 year old wife,the other 47,24 year old wife.
both georgeous ladies,particulary the 24 year old.Wow.The guys I would describe as well above average in looks and assets.It is possible if you are the right over 40 guy and find the right early 20's girl.If not you could be looking at trouble so caution is advised.

Pete

[Calipro]

... in response to Learning from Mistakes: Belated Trip Rep..., posted by John O on Sep 22, 2002


 Guys at work ask me how I met a young beautiful colombian women and got married to her in about two months time. The answer is I asked her to marry me and then I followed through. The bottom line is women in Cali lose interest in you if they think you're not interested in marriage.

[Pete E]

... in response to Have you ever asked any of these women t..., posted by Calipro on Sep 23, 2002

Once you find the right girl it is important to follow through.They will not wait forever but I think a girl who is really interested in you may wait 6 months or so.So guys need to understand that they will most likely get successfull and need to look ahead  to the follow through,be that a fiancee visa or marriage as part of the whole picture.
But,this is a big but,don't propose to a girl who is not right for you,don't propose to a girl who shows little interest to get her attention.Bottom line she needs to be VERY interested in you and no red flags,no funny stories or suspicious circumstances.
From Johns post above none of the women he talked about met the criteria to marry,so he needs to keep looking.Bruce,the same.
There are lots of Colombianas who will marry a guy they are not attracted to just for the benefits.Watch out for this,you are buying trouble and unhappiness.

Pete

[Patrick]

... in response to yes but, posted by Pete E on Sep 23, 2002

Getting married isn't that difficult.  A good marriage is tougher though and pushing a relationship that's not right is a mistake.  That's what makes this whole thing difficult.  If the goal is simply to get married, anybody could do it.  Patience is a great asset to have and it's definitely better to be single than be in a bad marriage.

[lswote]

... in response to Have you ever asked any of these women t..., posted by Calipro on Sep 23, 2002

This isn't guaranteed to work.  I let the girl I met in Bogota know that I wanted to marry her and I think it scared her off because she felt I was getting serious too fast.

[sb25]

... in response to Re: Have you ever asked any of these wom..., posted by lswote on Sep 23, 2002

Yeah that's a tough call. I'm glad you posted. I was beginning to think "Screw it, I'll ask her to get married".
I can't figure out where I stand with her, so that would definitely let me know eh? I'll just have to exercise some patience.

[Patrick]

... in response to Re: Re: Have you ever asked any of these..., posted by sb25 on Sep 23, 2002

They're hard to stop.  Someone not too long ago brought up the point that once you start the ball rolling, it's hard to stop it.  I definitely wouldn't recommend proposing to see "where you stand."  If she's a good catch and wants to find a good husband, you're being in too much of a hurry may be a red flag to her.  If she's more interested in marriage to a gringo than marriage to you, then she might respond favorably.  Best to take it slow in my opinion and if the woman doesn't want to take it slow as well, then that should be a red flag to you.  This all assumes that you're looking for a good marriage rather than a marriage to any woman who looks good enough.  Unfortunately, I think that's not too uncommon for guys in this process.

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Re: Have you ever asked any of these..., posted by sb25 on Sep 23, 2002

Proposing to her might not let you know where you stand with her,even if she says yes.There can be much motivation for a girl to say yes even if her heart says know in this foriegn bride experience.Better to find out where you stand with her first,without making any offers she can't refuse.
I thought a story when I was posting above.A friend of mine was in Korea in the late 60's.They were partying all the time with Korean party girls.This one kid was crazy about a girl another guy had.The guy traded him a case of beer for her.She still wouldn't give him the time of day.So he says I will marry you.That got her attention.He married her.Don't know how it turned out,but not good I don't think.

Pete