Crab Mentality

[Carrisse]

... in response to Crab Mentality, posted by Bear on Jun 28, 2001

Its called poverty and taking advantage of the good fortune that befell the family---YOU.

Crab mentality is when someone pulls down Honey through slander or bad gossip because of jealousy or envy.

Didn't you say that Honey's family is poor?  Well, you are not completely blameless either.  You gave her things--things that are virtually unheard of in the barrio. Cellphone, laptop, some other gizmos and now telephone.  Of course the whole barrio will help themselves.  And I think the parents are enjoying being the center of attention in the barrio because of the rich Kano who married their daughter.

And as with any Asian culture--we value our parents alot.  In Japan, ancestors are worshipped.  The word of the father is law in the household and mothers are considered the light of the family.  So I can understand the parents statement to Honey about them bringing her into the world.

There's no solution to the problem except that Honey move out of her parents home and alienate herself from them.  I'm not sure if she's ready for that.  I suggest that you stop giving them all these gizmos in the hopes of making it easier for Honey to contact you.  Love will find a way--if she really loves you and wants to contact you--she will find a way.  My hubby and I used regular mail and my work phone. I suggest that Honey talk to her parents and make them realize that they are losing face with you because of their actions.  Nip this in the bud, otherwise this will go on and on even when Honey is finally reunited with you.

[Bear]

... in response to Actually its not crab mentality, posted by Carrisse on Jun 28, 2001

I didn't post everything in the sense of I didn't have the time.  The neighbors have the crab mentality.  And the parents rather than protect their own throw her out to the dogs if she doesn't give to them what they want.  They basically tell her to stay in her room and shut up or they continue their bullying of her.  They and other realatives have actually told her not to discuss this with me because her (Honey's) actions are a shame to the family.  What they really mean is if she discusses it with me I'll get mad at them and not help anymore and they won't be able to control her and get benefit from me.

Lets not forget the "cruellage" that tried to charge her double because they thought that since she married an "kano" she'd have the money.  Basically they act like, "well you're too poor to argue it".  But it didn't stop me.  I wanted to take it all the way and make an international incident out of it and only backed down because Honey asked me too.  I had already talked with the Archbishop here and a good friend in the governement.  

Still I can back down.  I do get hot under the collar.  I am a "bear" put you just poor a little "honey" on me and i'm fine.  

But her parents hurting her like that.  GGGGggggggrrrrrr.  That is evil!!!

Bear

[kevin]

... in response to yes it is, posted by Bear on Jun 28, 2001


Jesus said "money is the route of all evil".  This is what this is all about.  Are not Honey's parents God fearing Christians?  Do they regard you as a fellow human being who loves their daughter and wants to make the rest of your life with her?  Or do they regard you as their true "savior" who deserves to be punished for "reneging" on his "duties"?  It's an ugly situation, Bear.  But what ultimately matters, of course, is Honey's attitude about you.  It doesn't matter what the rest of the family thinks, the rest of the Philippines thinks, or the rest of the world.  True love can not be bought or sold whether directly by the suitor, or indirectly by the suitor's kin.

Think about this.  Why are Honey's parents still together?  Aside from divorce being unconstitutional in the Philippines (and both men an women in the Philippines, married to Filipinos, commit adultery; an ugly fact of life there); do they not love each other?  Did they not marry each other for love?  For richer or for poorer?  It should be the same for you and Honey.  I hope and pray that deep down in her heart that she loves you for you, and not what you can or cannot deliver to her in terms of material things.  But, at least to the folk that brought her into this world, that doesn't matter.  In their eyes, your skin is white, so you owe all of your in-laws the Brooklyn Bridge.  What matters is that deep down in her heart, Honey does not have the same mindset.

My "kuriput" 2 "centavos" worth.

- Kevin

[humabdos]

... in response to Actually its not crab mentality, posted by Carrisse on Jun 28, 2001

Welcome to the Philippines Bear!   This is all no suprize to me!  Carr is somewhat right about what she said. Take the phone out ! NOW   Humabdos

[shadow]

... in response to Crab Mentality, posted by Bear on Jun 28, 2001

this scenario happens all too often in the PI. A little bit of help for the family is one thing, for them to expect it on a regular basis and to take advantage of it is something else entirely. Personally, IF I ever get tangled up with a filipina again (or anyone else, for that matter)this would be one of my pet peaves. I guess that narrows my prospects down considerably, huh. Oh well, live and learn. Larry.

[tomtneal]

... in response to Crab Mentality, posted by Bear on Jun 28, 2001

you should do what i did,i asked Jessica family for money eaven before she got here eaven after 2 years they have never asked me to help them i think they are afraid to
tneal

[Dave H2O]

... in response to Re: Crab Mentality, posted by tomtneal on Jun 28, 2001

tneal,

That is a brilliant idea! It seems to have worked like a charm. I think Bear should incorporate that into his outstanding idea:

"Dearest family, I lost my job, send money!!!"

Dave H.

[jim in the pis]

... in response to Crab Mentality, posted by Bear on Jun 28, 2001

hi bear,
sorry for what honey is having to go thru. first i would tell her to buy her own cell phone, and take the other out!
if she has her own the fine, use that to call her on that,even if its not convinent.
it seems that filipino's look at ferners as the money for all their needs, and wants.
i personally dont have that problem as i took the only one not married, and she was 29!!!!!!!!! they thought she was going to be thre forever. lol
i would try the i cant work line.
you know i go to the public market all the time here in angeles, its funny to see the kids and the old women running to hold their had out to me, but if they see a filippino, they dont even bother to get up. i decided that i cant give to all, so i give to none.
one day an old woman at the market held out her hand in front of me, she had twopeso init, i took them, told her it cost more for me, a ferner to live here than it did her. oh the look on her face, but i did give her her two peso back.
if you dont stop it quick the nightmare is just begining.
good luck, and its a shame that honey must endure it.
jim joanne and jay

[kevin]

... in response to Crab Mentality, posted by Bear on Jun 28, 2001


Her family is "killing the Goose that Laid the Golden Egg".  Such debaucheric greed just disgusts me.  Is it any wonder why social and economic problems persist in the Philippines?  With that kind of collective freeloading mentality, society will never achieve prosperity and stability.  Now they're trying to destroy you because you're an American with unlimited resources.  They can bleed you dry.  But once you die, they'd probably not even remember you.

Remember, America may be the best country in the world in terms of quality of life.  But over the past 225 years, it took collective morals and ethics, from the most enlightened and talented, down to the ordinary citizen (or immigrant).  Relative prosperity was achieved over time.  Laws were framed to deliver justice with orientation to human rights.  Democracy in its true sense thrived.

Now comparing this to the chronic plight in the Philippines, when there are leaders like Imelda Marcos and Joseph Estrada, of course they do no good for their people.  The just serve themselves at the rest of society's expense.  But these values aren't just typical of those at the top of society.  For those members that do rise and gain power, it promotes the crab mentality on those that lose out.  I think such values are reflected (typical to Imelda Marcos' actions), when a "mail-order-bride" goes to extremes in lying, and trying to "legally steal" by making somebody else (her ex-husband) responsible for her subversive actions.  When I say extremes, I'm thinking of things ranging from sneaking big-ticket credit card purchases (with every intention of making the husband legally responsible), to false charges of abuse in order to profit in the divorce process.

My biggest concern is finding someone who will truly love me, as might be akin to when a Filipina falls in love with a Pinoy, versus being regarded as somebody to latch on to, to serve their own kin, and bleed dry.  Sometimes I think that a Filipina will hold a man to a different set of standards based on whether he's Kano or Pinoy.  Is it any wonder that among the more virtuous in the Philippines, that when a Filipina is seen with a White guy, the gossip spreads that she's sleazy and with an American only for his money.

Personally, I don't send Analyn large sums of money (like hundreds per month) because if I did, of course I'd be on the path to bankruptcy.  I earn less than $40,000 per year, but I think I live relatively comfortably.
I do send money to help with communication costs, etc.  Yes she is poor.  Yet I don't want to create a sense of the "milk the Kano" mentality among her family.  What really annoyed me is that when I did send money (I stuck cash in between pictures), Analyn showed my snail-mail to a friend.  Well, that friend remarked about how "thrifty" I was because of the "little" amount of money that I sent.

Like I'm already being judged as being no-good.  Perhaps I've been bred that true-love between a man and a woman does not revolve around money.  The challenge about that is finding a partner who embraces the same mindset.  Was Analyn's friend comparing me to the Kano that sendsa his pen-pal $200 per month?  Probably she was thinking of something along that line.

Well, I have to get ready for work.

- Kevin

[Windmill Boy]

... in response to They're killing the goose!, posted by kevin on Jun 28, 2001

Thanks Kevin for the reminder.

Wow we are officialy 225 years old in a few days.  this should be somewhat of a milestone year for us and This is the first I hear of it?  Has America really lost it's patriotic Focus?  

I remember at age 11 our Bicentenial celebations were a pretty big deal.  We even toured the "Freedom train" one of AMTRAK's finer accomplishments and it was a rare father - sons activity that I can recall doing with him.  I am sure he reluctantly took us at my mothers prodding and that we had to help him clean an office building (a part time job) afterwards  ha ha ha.

I'll be the first to admit holidays really don't mean any thing to me.  I have worked way too many a  christmas thanksgiving, memorial day, new years eve .... You get the Idea.  But I do have a soft spot for the Fourth of July and Halloween.  Good memories I suppose.  

Actually by luck of the draw I scored the fourth off this year and I will let my latent Pyromaniac side rear it's ugly head again  At least as a spectator.  I also hope to help Yuki my Japanese Coworker celebrate Her birthday.  I told her at least in America You get free fireworks for your birthday,  does that happen in Japan?  She told me to Urasai (shut up) Eric ha ha ha.

Windmill Boy

[The Mog]

... in response to They're killing the goose!, posted by kevin on Jun 28, 2001

You know, I kind of think of them all like little kids, they will try to get you to give them as many pieces of candy as they can. Haha. Even if they really want it or need it, just to see how much they can get.
I dont know, I guess it just something to deal with.
If the roles were reversed who is to say we wouldnt be the same way.
Know your role, if you are the guy with the cash, give it when you want and as much as you want. I dont like sending ANY when someone ASKS for it. I like to give surprises haha they are more fun.
Thank the Media and Hollywood for portraying the US as a country of people all driving around in new cars wearing the newest designer clothes.
Once they get over here and see what rent, food and clothes cost maybe some realization will set in.