I tell you what....it's just a shame

[hilton]

Brothers,

If I could stop and say one thing that makes me 'want' to feel bad, is to know that I broke a woman's heart.  

I just got an email from a young lady(not the girl that broke my heart, but another older woman who wanted me badly) that, that has a 13 year old child, expressed her disappointment in me not wanting to date her because I didn't want to do two things:

1) Date an older women; I'm 30...she's 37(imagine what it would be like to marry a 37 year old women, she has a child within 2 years, and by the time the kid(s) are 15 years old, she's 52!  Nope, ain't gonna happen...

2) Date a women who has a child.  In her case, a 13 year old child.  I can't even imagine being fiscally responsible to someone elses child(ren) because I want to have 'my own'.

The stupid things that the devil influences people to do in order to get to my weakness; my emotions.

Anyway, she emails me and tells me that she hopes that I don't find the next 'victim'.  Hmmmmm?  Victim.

All I did was tell her that I didn't want to date her 'seriously' because of the two reasons above!  She get's mad at me, emails me to make me feel bad about my decision, then tells me that she hopes I don't do this to another victim.

But, but...but....what she don't know is that I have plans on finding my wife in Cali!

Being that I'm very emotional, I don't do well when I make someone feel bad.  But, I have to tell the truth according to what I know I don't want and what I don't have a good feeling for.

And, I had a good feeling, and didn't want, to date an older women who was 'prepackaged'.  I said to myself, "lord, please forgive me.  I didn't mean to hurt her.  I just want the best for myself".  Brothers, my emotions is my weakness!  But, I don't let it get in the way of me telling the truth and how I feel about what I want for my own future.

It's a shame that a 'good man', or just a man at all, have to go through the 'guilty' trip in order to overcome an obstacle for the sole purpose fulfilling a dream.  In my case, a dream of meeting and marrying a latin women from Cali.

Unfortunately, I had a feeling that this was the last email or communication that I will receive from this woman.  This could be a good thing!

Now, brothers, I can concentrate on fulfilling my dreams.  There's going to be alot more temptations to come my way, but I will have my utmost goal in my heart and mind.  And, that is to get my, as Hoda would say, narrow azz down to Cali and find my wife.  

And, that's my mission:  To find what I want, deserve, and see myself with for the next 60 years!  I believe in true love, but there won't be any shortcuts for this 'brotha'.  

My concentration will be on my business and my goal of meeting my 'other half' in Cali.  I'm determined got-dangit to do the will of my heart.

You know, it is said that if you want to understand what will God has for your life, all you need to do is to understand that God's will for your life rest in your deepest desires that you can see yourself with.  He will give you the tools(this board) and people(you guys) to guide you along the way.  He will open doors.  All you have to do is find a way to walk in.

It's just a shame that this women; a 37 year old woman that I can't see myself with for the rest of my life(which means that this is probably not the will of God) is tempting my emotions.  But, all I have to do is go to Latinlove.net, allcolombiangirls.com, and latinbrides.com and look at those pictures to see my dream and the possibilities.

This is all I will ever need to combat my weakness; my emotions, from the email I just received.

Hoda, you're right, the 'devil' is certainly beginning to kick in high gear.  But, oh,  I have the armor!

Peace and Love To All,

Hilton

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to I tell you what....it's just a shame, posted by hilton on Dec 13, 2001

It might be good that you have empathy rather than sympathy for her.  I hope you will consider that maybe much of what she said was said in anger.  From the few things you quoted out, seems to me that might be the case.  

As far as wanting the best for yourself, If you are not willing to look after yourself then who would?

One thing that wasn't completely clear to me from your post is if you didn't date her, or didn't date her "seriously".  I guess I'm looking for a way to get her off the hook, that if you did go out with her and she did think it was serious...  Even so, it would seem that someone that would lack the ability to refrain from lashing out in anger and trying to hurt someone, or someone that would not later apologize would solve the "mystery" as to why they are not in a long term relationship.

It's good to see that you believe in signs and I hope that you will balance your emotional, spiritual, and physical and see your goals clearly.

Oh, and I gotta make my pitch.  If things aren't quite what you're expecting in Cali, give some more consideration to Brazil and the "pen pal" route.  But I imagine you'll be posting a few thank you's to all the people that posted "just go!"

[David W]

... in response to I tell you what....it's just a shame, posted by hilton on Dec 13, 2001

If you have never had a child, that is not your own, look you in the eye and tell you thanks for loving them or just being there for them...then you are in for something beautiful if it ever happens.  If not, then I pray and wish you well when you have your own.  No, I am being sarcastic with that last comment, just sincere.  I am not a biological father, but one child I was involved with does call me dad at times and thanks me for teaching him and being there for him...and not just because he was his mother son and I was dating her.  It is a memory that I will never forget or would trade for any money.

Hope you understand Hilton, I wasn't attacking you just giving you food to chew on and possibilites to think about.

David W (W)

[David W W]

... in response to I tell you what....it's just a shame, posted by hilton on Dec 13, 2001

Hold the phone there budy.  First I am going to appologize for giving my opinion her.  

You bring up G*d's will and all that, and other G*dly references, correct?

I am going to speak both spiritually and biologically.

1)  Most women outlive men by about 10 years.  So someone 7 years older than you would almost actually live out your lives together and not the later parts alone.

2)  Is she a good mother.  This might give you insight because you never know with a never-been-a-mother-before lady.  (OH, I am assuming she is not a player, so why condemn her for having children...only G*d can judge).

3)  You are getting mad at her for feeling what she feels and that she is hurt....I forgot since she is from S.A. she doesn't have the right to feel ... right... NOT.

4)  Did those children have a right to be fatherless....I don't think so.

5)  BIG QUESTION...did you know she was 37 and had kids before you wrote her?

6)  In the Bible it says that G*d will not forgive you for what cannot forgive.  If that is the case...I hope you do not have kids or die at a early age...He might hold it against you that you had kids or that you are "old" enough to die.

I guess I am a little upset because I know a lot of people (men and women) that are judge for things they cannot control.  I mean if you and her personalities were not compatable or if you were not attracted to her that would be different but don't hold things against her that she cannot do anything about.  Some of the best women I have known in my life were older than me and had kid(s).  Don't close your heart.  You said something about things in your life would be G*d's will.  Did you ever think that maybe G*d might have in his plan for you to be a father to a child that isn't yours because you will help develope the next President, Cancer curing doctor, next Pope, next something wonderful, or maybe your next child.  

I admit, I had cancer before and now might not be able to have children and maybe that is why it doesn't bother me (naw, don't think it is maybe...it is).  Before I used to think like you do, "Nope, no one older or with kids."  Now that I have been "blessed" (yes, I said blessed) with what happend, I have been able to live in a way that I never thought possible.  I have dated several women with children and though some of my past relationships there are no more communication...I had a chance to help shape the life of a child...and have had a few thank me for the time they had with me and all that I did for them.  I tell you this..there is no feeling like it.  If I marry a woman with a child or not, I will love it as my own.  Heck, G*d loves us as His own even though he only has one "begoten" son, Jesus.  

Well, again, I was not trying to flame you or anything like that.  Just, if you like (or love) the woman.  Just let her know you that you have reservations about being a father to other children, but if she understands that then maybe you can make it.  You never know...you might like it.

David
(sorry about being a little jumpy in my typing of thoughts)

[NW Jim]

... in response to Re: I tell you what....it's just a shame, posted by David W W on Dec 14, 2001

David,
"...but don't hold things against her that she cannot do anything about." As I recall there was only one immaculate conception.

Hilton and every other seeker, has the right and responsibility to set out their standards and goals. If Hilton, I and others decide we don't want ladies with children, then that's our right...lets knock off the political correctness crap!

There are very practical concerns. There is the cost of raising another man's child, not only financial but emotional, possibly crowding out those resources for your own biological children. Parenthood ain't free. You are also rewarding the irresponsible behavior of the fathers which may perpetuate this behavoir in future generations.

You are surely aware that second marriages/relationships in which children are involved have a much higher divorce /separation rate, and that's just between Americans, throw in additional cultural and language strains and the problems can multiply.

David, best of luck in your search, but be careful with the knight in shining armor approach.

[David W]

... in response to Re: No shame in having standards, posted by NW Jim on Dec 14, 2001

I did not say you do not have a right to your "standards and goals".  What I was saying (yes, in a long winded way) was why did he (sorry, Hilton) write, talk, converse or whatever with someone that he knew was not in his "standards and goals" and then let the other factors come into play.

I was also saying just open up yourself to the possibility to different things (i.e. in his case...older woman, possibly children).  Wouldn't it be something if you got married only to find out you were steril?  (hopefully not)

Now, in my futile rant...you said, "You are also rewarding the irresponsible behavior of the fathers which may perpetuate this behavoir in future generations. "  Well, you are right about the irresponsible behavior of the fathers, but how does that help the child by letting him fell that children are not worth anything (i.e. if she already has them then you don't want them)..that teaches open love doesn't it, also by punishing those fathers you are punishing the kids which is why we are in this mess.

Oh well, I am not trying to turn this into a flame post.

P.S.  I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas

David W

[Aaron]

... in response to Re: I tell you what....it's just a shame, posted by David W W on Dec 14, 2001

Did you ever read this?

"Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them. But, Jesus said, 'Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven" Matthews 19:13-14.

There are other verses in the bible that corroborate this verse. I understand that you may not want to be with a woman that already has a child. That's fine. But, a good child is a beautiful thing, and it takes exceptional people to care for and raise children other than their own.

As for the Calenas with children, you'll be suprised to see that many of the single and more mature women with children, are more stable and look allot better than many of the younger girls without much experience.  

As for your idea that the "devil" is trying to prevent you from meeting the "ideal" woman in Cali, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO CALI YET, so how do you know if you will find a soulmate there without meeting anyone in person?

I highly doubt the devil is using that older woman to prevent you from meeting your soulmate. Keep in mind the MOB scene, including some agency owners, some female members, and some male clients are not necessarily saints.

Aaron

[hilton]

... in response to Re: I tell you what....it's just a shame, posted by David W W on Dec 14, 2001

.

[hilton]

... in response to I tell you what....it's just a shame, posted by hilton on Dec 13, 2001

Group,

In the post, above, I wrote: "You know, it is said that if you want to understand what will God has for your life, all you need to do is to understand that God's will for your life rest in your deepest desires that you can see yourself with. He will give you the tools(this board) and people(you guys) to guide you along the way. He will open doors. All you have to do is find a way to walk in."

But....

What I wanted to really emphasize, according to a guy, who just wrote to me, is that your heart has to be set in a righteous manner.  Alot of people have evil hearts and evil wills that are not in accordance to Gods plans for their lives.  This is something that I wanted to write, but by the time I hit the 'submit' button it was a second too late.

This is just a revision of what I said to make my point just a little bit more clear.

Peace,

Hilton

[Red Clay]

... in response to I tell you what....it's just a shame, posted by hilton on Dec 13, 2001

As you meet/correspond with a number of ladies from SA, you will feel a little sorry for some of them, or at least I did. The combination of the lack of economic opportunity and the lack of desirable men in their country [their words, not mine] will have you wishing you could do something to help all of them realize their dreams. All of the numerous ladies I corresponded with seemed so sincere, it was heartbreaking to think some of them might never find the relationship that they deserve.

  On the issue of the lady who is telling you you did something wrong, sounds like she is just very disappointed that things did not work out with you. Deep down, I doubt that she really thinks you are bad or did anything to deceive her, it's just her way of making herself mad at you to help her get over it.

  Don't let it get you down.

[stefang]

... in response to Re: I tell you what....it's just a shame, posted by Red Clay on Dec 13, 2001

I myself would never want a divorced woman from America. I have to many friends that were cleaned empty and are basically enslaved to their ex's by our so called equal courts. I say I wouldn't want one because it would be to scary to take a chance with her. I know there are some who were treated bad by their men but you just don't know which ones. The bad women hurt the chances of good women. I think if all men did the same, the divorced women couldn't find anyone then you would see the divorces go down and people would stay together, but to much greed right now so South America is a better place to look I believe.