moving forward

[young gun]

  i plan to return to cali in march. i plan to stay at all colombian girls an latin encounters. i plan to ask the tough question an try to get to know the ladys as best as i can .but i know making a relationship like this work will be hard but i must that i fell in love with the women in cali an can't see my self married to anyone else. i don't think i know it all this get what i learned on my trip i hope this may help some guy out there. i have tought alot about what i will do different this time.
1. ask the lady how will her living effect her family income.
2. put here in english classes a for a least 4 to 5 months before getting married. also locate an esl class in my area this a great place for ladys to make friends so my friends wife tells me.
3.talk alot about how mch i work an how much time i will have for her
4. ask her were she would like her life to be in 2 to 5 years.
5. advise not to tell anyone here in the states that you meet in an agency people do not understand. they think you went out an bought a slave.
6. ask what she thinks of the u.s
there more but you get the idea deal. again i don't think i know it all just tell you how i plan to handle things. i wish all you guys good luck go in with your eye wide open.

[TG]

... in response to moving forward, posted by young gun on Nov 22, 2001

Maybe there is a positive side to sending money to the family. Could it be that that contribution to help them live a better life in Colombia will be to your benefit? After all, with things going well and her family being supported, one could reasonably assume that your Colombian girl would want that to continue - her side of the relationship would be to keep you happy so the funds keep flowing south.....

I don't want to reduce a relationship to money, but I think it is good when all parties can gain from a situation.

[Sol]

... in response to A net positive, posted by TG on Nov 23, 2001

*** Deep thinking alert!!! ***

This issue of sending money south is an important one to me. My fiance was not contributing to the family income and they're not poor enough to need money on an on-going basis but my wife-to-be and I will probably send money down from time to time, maybe even regularly. My reasoning is that sending down, say, $100 every month means we miss out on a nice dinner out and a movie every month. If having the $100 every month will make enough of a difference to her family, more than missing that night out will make to us, then I think it's worth doing.

There's a bigger issue here for me. A number of people on this forum have refered to marriage as a transaction. I partly agree with this notion. In my case I wanted a pretty, passionate, sincere, enough younger than me, lady with traditional values, who would love me to death. In order to not spend forever trying to find that here in the US, my part of the transaction is to spend the time, energy and money to find her, court her, marry her, and bring her here. What I think some guys haven't seen is that marriage is much more about relationship than about transaction. If I maintain the posture that I've spent X in order to get Y then I'll whine and be dissatisfied later if my wife changes in some way that I don't like. Or if her needs change, or if mine do. So, back to the money thing, I think "What's best for the relationship?" This is much more important to me than what I often see here which is "What's the least I can risk in order to get the most 'value' for my investment?" Sadly, our culture has reduced itself to a posture of fear, where we all run around fearing that we're going to get ripped off in this marriage transaction and we approach the search from this posture. My intent is to throw myself into my marriage from a place of giving as much as getting. If we "sacrifice" the nice night out to give money to her family and she sees that I care for her family as part of my own then I believe she will more deeply love and respect me. She, in turn, will like make personal "sacrifices" of her own to please me and my family. There's a give and take here. I invest in our relationship and so does she.

I'd even be willing to argue that it's not what you do but how you do it that makes the difference. If you grudgingly send money down there, and feel used for it, she'll figure it out - that won't increase the flow of love.

In general, I'd like to see more discussion on this forum of what guys have to give to a relationship than just on what they can get. In my case I'm giving my bride a nice (but not fancy) home, a couple of dogs to love, a community of friends and neighbors that will take care of her, the material things she needs that we can afford, my love, my affection, my protection, my passion, my commitment to doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work, and the compassion and the understanding it'll take to help her to acclimate to life in California. I'm far from perfect and I've exposed my flaws to her plus I know of some of hers. So, I also commit to loving her just as she is and she has expressed the same intent.

Some post-Thanksgiving philosophy.

Sol

[Wayne]

... in response to Re: On sending money south, posted by Sol on Nov 23, 2001

This has always been an interesting subject for me.

Because these relationships start out on such an unequal level in many aspects, the sensitivity of sending money south is heightened in my opinion.

When a guy marries someone who may be younger and more attractive then he is accustomed to in the States, I believe there is often a little question in the back of his head...(Does she really love me, or is the money, green card, better lifestyle etc. etc. effecting her judgement in choosing me?)  I think we all want to be loved for ourselves, and chosen for our personal qualities.  I think sometimes guys are so resistant to giving to the family, not because they are greedy, but because it raises that little haunting question lurking around in the back of our heads.  (Are we being used?)  Being used is one of the worst feelings, and I think that most guys are pretty sensitive to it.

When I married my RW, I told her that all the money was ours now, and to be used in ways that we both agreed upon.  Considering the length of time that I knew this girl, and how young she was, I sometimes wonder if I was konked on the head by the Russian Mafia in Moscow, and I just don't remember it because of the mild brain damage I suffered.

The most difficult question in my mind after my marriage to my RW was, did I get used, and really how much cash from my business got Western Unioned to Moscow when I wasn't paying attention.

No matter how much these girls devote themselves to you, that little question just doesn't go away for about 24-36 months.  Some guys are able to bury the question deep, but it's there.

That is the one thing I miss most about being with American women.  They don't need me, things are more equal, and I'm usually pretty sure they are with me because they are interested in me, and not these other perks that cloud up the relationship.

I think for a Colombian girl to sail on my sailing yacht, have brunch at the yacht club, and live in one of the most beautiful cities in the US, while her family is living in abject poverty, without helping them, would tear the girl to pieces.  I would not want to be married to a girl that had so little heart, that she didn't worry about her family.

I'm planning on sharing with no strings attached, when I find the right girl.

Wayne

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to Re: Re: On sending money south, posted by Wayne on Nov 23, 2001

Thanks for the thoughts of having heart, sharing and finding the right girl.  This thread was very enjoyable and insightful to read.  You'd never guess I agree huh? =)

[Sol]

... in response to Re: Re: On sending money south, posted by Wayne on Nov 23, 2001

Wayne,

You made an important point about money. We all have to ask ourselves and hopefully discuss with our potential wives how money is to be used and shared. In theory I'd love to just think of all of my income going into a pool that both my wife and I share. I'm sure that the reality, for quite some time, will be that I exert a stronger influence over how the money gets spent, partially because I know how to navigate the world of money in the U.S. and partly because I make all of it! I hope that I'm always able to be generous in giving my wife as much access to our money as possible. Even though I completely trust my fiance to not steal from me I do fear that she might not spend wisely or manage money well so I'm going to be running the finances for some time to come.

I do believe, although I have no direct experience of this, that if we want our marriages to grow and deepen that we have to let go of this 'yours' and 'mine' mentality and the sooner the better. Now I did not grow up in a family that modeled any good values about money and I've got plenty of my own fears around money but I am commited to growing beyond those fears and giving my wife lots of input into how our money gets spent.

Sol