Whats more important?

[Bear]

In my post "I need help; The point of..." below i related a story I read and then later saw in movie form.  It basically told how two people came together in love and support and appeared to change and become better people for the love/actions of the other. Also Stephen related parts of the Beattitudes from the Bible which told about actions in love/out-of love.

Some guys her are going through the pains of divorce.  I can think of nothing more painful in my past.  I never want to have that in my life again nor would i wish it for those I love.  

So my question...

How do we keep from making the same mistake?  Does it come from love?  Or does it come from actions?  Surely there ust be love to act? maybe? Or does the efforts and expectations show love?  

I know my Heavenly Father loves me but he has increditable expectations of me too.  Should we have expectations of others in our marriages or just give them "freedom" and hope that they see the love and sacrafice of such a thing and love us back in return?

I know Honey has expectations of me that she has never even mentioned.  She wants safety and security, hopefully a simple, problem-low enviroment, someone to bring home the "ham and bacon", a roof over her head, a good family life with our children, respect and appreciation for her efforts, someone to be there for her when times get shakey and yes someone to satisfy greater expectations irreguardless of what they might be.  I have expectations too.  I want someone who will help me take care of the things I provide, and make my home a pleasant place to come home to, raise our children to try and put out reasonable effort and be respectful, someone I can have a "shoulder to cry on" when I come home from work due to the high stress service job I am in and someone who'll be there for me too when times are hard like when I was out of work or had a heart attack.

My ex said she loved me.  But refused to provide any of the minimum expectations I mentioned above.  If love is enough then was I wrong to have divorced her?  I do not think love is enough and in the end we will be judged for our actions because they say what we really are inside.

Ok so now lets say you all argree with me (we all know thats going to be true hehehehe).  What experiences can we share that shows how we get our message across to our mates.  How do we tell them we have expectations or no expectations?  How do we keep from making that fatal mistake(s) that puts repeling idealologies in the same bed because those opposites do not attract?

Oh well.  Time to shut up and get some comments from the bleachers?

Bear

[nealtl]

... in response to Whats more important?, posted by Bear on May 10, 2001

Bear
Now you no what mistakes not to make,so don't make them if you do then it is your fault
tneal

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Whats more important?, posted by nealtl on May 13, 2001

I was trying to get a discussion going here about how not to make the same mistakes a few here have mentioned they made.

Bear

[Carrisse]

... in response to Whats more important?, posted by Bear on May 10, 2001

If you truly love someone, then you will open the lines of communications and will also put your love into action.

Did your ex love you?  I think not.  How can she say that she does when she couldn't/wouldn't show it?  

That's why I said love should be the foundation of marriage. But I said it wrong; I should have said TRUE love should be the foundation of marriage.

When you love someone truly, you'll show it and do it.

[Dave H2O]

... in response to This is where true love comes in..., posted by Carrisse on May 11, 2001

Carrisse,

I believe in true love. I think that you are right. Love is great, but not hard to find. It comes and goes. True love is an entirely different matter. True love concurs all. It sometimes takes much time and patience to find it. Actually you don't find it, it finds you. I believe it was formed before each mate ever took their first breath of life, on earth.

Dave H.

[Bear]

... in response to True Love, posted by Dave H2O on May 11, 2001

Sorry but I do not agree Dave.  Love is something you build.  Brick by brick.  Yeah you have to have a foundation.  I even posted before a scene from the movie Shenanoah where the father asked the boy if he loved his daughter and he said, "I don't know?  I like her!"

You always start with an attraction, find some common ground and then start building on what you need (expectations).  The girl usually listens to your dreams and where she fits in them and both of you start changing and adapting to make it work.  But most of us forget to communicate our expectations.  We are willing to do somethings but we want others.

Yeah we are overwhelmed with the sight, touch and smell of them.  Oh and what we do for each other sometimes.  But then the responsiblity rolls in.  The hard part comes knocking.  We find out "liking" wasn't enuogh.  We didn't communicate our needs and didn't listen to theirs and now we are "stuck".  Instead of making it work because we love and care we make due till we can run away (not meaning any of us specifically-including me).

There are basically 5 types of marriages...
1) The Selfish marriage.  You think its going to be your way and since it isn't, get out.  Last 6-18 months
2) The "Compromise marriage". - You are willing to "sacrafice" for the other but you "expect" them to do the same.  If they don't then and you do not get what you want and your gone.  Last 18 months to 3 years.
3) The I liked you but didn't love you marriage" - It means you didn't communicate and things didn't go your way so ur out of there.  3 yrs to 18 years.
4) Single self-sacrificer - (this was me) Give it all you got even if it means you have to sacrifice everyhting for the kids but leave once the children are gone. Last 18 to 25 years.
5) 100/100 marraige - that is where each person spends their marriage making sure that their mate gets what they want.  This marriage is the most successful beacuse each person gets what they want out of the marriage but the other person gave it - even if it meant sacrificing something they wanted.  Of the families using the 100-100 marriage 1 in 17 get a divorce.

This is a synopsis of an article I read in a church magazine.  But I even disagree with the last one.  Most people really do want to please the one they choose, if they know how.  If either are selfish then the marriage won't work but if they willing to "give" then all they need is communication to make it work.  Communication is listening as much is it is yaking.  And honestly I think think I know two many people who listen.

Bear

[Dave H2O]

... in response to Re: True Love, posted by Bear on May 11, 2001

Bear,

I agree with what you say. Most forms of love come from the physical body and mind. It is in the "flesh" and therefore can be a conscious choice or physical attraction. These are often successful marriages, lasting for a lifetime. But often, while successful on the surface, something is missing. I believe that there is such a thing as "true love" or soul mates. This transcends life on earth. Man cannot create it, no matter how hard he tries. It involves the soul, not the heart, mind or body. It was created before you were born. It is a gift from God. Most people don't truly believe in it, or are not patient enough to wait. It is like grace and faith, you don't deserve, earn or create it. You are simply drawn to it when the time is right.  Sometimes you have an image of this person planted in your mind. Too many times it passes us by, because we were not in the position to accept it, or didn't recognize it when it was within our grasp. When you find true love, you often try your best to deny, fight and refuse it. Many times it seeks us out again and won't let us rest. It flows into the very depths of our being, until we can no longer deny it. It often involves people of different ages, races and cultures. It is often a very difficult, yet rewarding path. There are many words to express love. True love is beyond words...it is divine. I pray that we all find it. *S*

Dave H.

[midnightgirl]

... in response to Soul Mates, posted by Dave H2O on May 11, 2001

Dear H2O,

I really believe in soulmates, before i didn't met husband way back 1998 i was in Kuwait that time , i've been dreaming of a big man with a beard on his face but i could not really recognized his face until the time i met him last 1999. And also on my next dream , he kissed on my cheeks but can't see his face so when i came back to the Phils. that is the time i gave chance myself to go on a date with foreign men which is a thousand miles away from my country. Do you know that, i dated many men and the last one i dated is my future husband . He dated many filipina women too so i never expected that he choose me.

I believe that when you pray and seek God what you want to be your lifetime partner, he truly grant what you asked from him that you've been dreaming and wishing this in your life.

I know how God loves me so much and also the people in this whole world. If you just always gave thanks to him, praise , glorify and believe in him you will know.

[Carl]

... in response to Soul Mates, posted by Dave H2O on May 11, 2001

Dave H. you are so right. God Bless

[Dave H2O]

... in response to Soul Mates, posted by Dave H2O on May 11, 2001

Bear,

I think you found that! But you knew that before you met Honey in person. Even when you tried to deny it and everyone told you that you were foolish. It was a feeling that defied logic. ;o))

Dave H.

[Bear]

... in response to Oh, I forgot..., posted by Dave H2O on May 12, 2001

It was Honey and it was her she was calling foolish.

I know that the right one is your soulmate and that love means everything.  But I think love is something that can be acquired and learned not just devined.  Honestly it comes from effort.  If it didn't then people could walk around saying they "love everyone" else and this would great world.  I think we know it isn't.  Just like ole Clinton and his "I can feel your pain".  Words mean little without actions.

Bear

[Dave H2O]

... in response to Actually..., posted by Bear on May 13, 2001

N/T

[Honey]

... in response to Oh, I forgot..., posted by Dave H2O on May 12, 2001

Bear was never foolish. He was just trying so hard not to hurt me because he loves me so much. He even told me he loves me the most. I do love him the most too but he says I can't because I'm a little Filipina and he's a big bear, hehehe.

Well, I know I'm the luckiest, the most blessed and the happiest. He just doesn't want to allow me to be called such but I know he knew I am, .

Bear's Honey
the luckiest, the most blessed and the happiest

[Georgina]

... in response to Whats more important?, posted by Bear on May 10, 2001

One of the things that can show you how much the person that you love cares about you is when you get sick. How does your partner react to it? Is she indifferent? Does she pprefer to stay at home instead of going to work because you are sick? If she goes to work does she call you every hour to see how are you doing? Does she worry about you talking your pills? I have found it interesting how people react to it and I think when this happen you can see if she is really commited to you.

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Whats more important?, posted by Georgina on May 11, 2001

Good thinking Georgina.

Another good test is how the wife reacts when you lose your job and things get really tough financially. Does she provide moral and financial support or does she walk out and leave you on your own?

Ray