The Desperation Factor.. C'mon guys, get real here

[newby Jim]

OK here's my beef with this whole process. Why would a really pretty girl from Columbia want to marry someone 20 years older and 100lbs heavier than her if it were'nt for a better life ? If I were one of you (I want this for my sweet bro, too) I'd want someone who wants YOU and not your lifestyle. Call me Mrs Skeptical...

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to The Desperation Factor.. C'mon guys, get..., posted by newby Jim on Jul 9, 2001

I think if you truely want to educate yourself, you might want to make more effort to separate the many myths from the reality of (for lack of a better term) intercultural relationships.  As with many myths, there are some people that "prove" the validity of them, but if you keep an open mind, you might find that this is an oversimplification.

I don't know how accurate the stereotype is about AM and LW as far as the age difference.  In my case it is not true.  I am 37 years old, 5'11" and weigh 165 and have a 31 inch waist (It should be 30 inch but I've been lazy to go to the gym recently).  So for what you said to be true I would have to find a LW that was 17 and weighed 65lbs.  I can assure you this is not the case.

Since you have a "beef" with the process, why don't you introduce your brother to some of the many fine AW that you know?  I think you will find this explains why someone would go to the trouble of considering other alternatives in spite of the complications.  If you don't like what he is doing, why not offer him a better choice, that you would support?

[El Diablo]

... in response to The Desperation Factor.. C'mon guys, get..., posted by newby Jim on Jul 9, 2001


The whole MOB process is a study in human behavior IMHO.  The choices people make are both interesting and somewhat predictable. They are predictable because as a people we make choices that we perceive will be in our best interest. Our perception however is influened by many things; culture, family, values, religion and the list could go on.

The culture here in North America is extremely materialistic  and superficial. Women often choose men not on character but rather on wealth and position.  For those of you who are AW bashers, consider that men choose women more often than not,  soley on beauty.  Really think about this -- a women's VALUE is tied to a totally random event in nature and something that she has no control of or ability to change.  

Our culture is much more forgiving to men.  We can control to some extent the way we are perceived by women.  We can at least try to be successful in the things that we do. We may ultimately fail but at least there is hope.  

I think AW or AM bashing is really a sign of frustation.  People feel that they are being judged unfairly and so they lash out at the opposite sex.  But the problem exists not so much with this sex or that sex,  but rather with the culture at large.

I am speaking the obvious but we travel to Colombia or LA because we perceive the situation to be better there then it is here.  What "better" means is open to some debate here on the board however.

I think some men believe that the choices a LW makes are in general based less on materialism and superficiality than the choices an AW makes.  I think this position is open to some debate and somewhat self serving, however I agree that is an appealing reason for looking South.  Whether it is true or not, are the guys who travel South less materialistic and superficial than AM or AW who don't?  

I don't think so, too many of us want what I described above however we are unwilling to put it into practice ourselves.  It's the proverbial having your cake and eating it to.  Doug Y and Patrick are the only guys on this board that I know of who are even remotely close in age to their novia or spousa.  Sit in Latin Love for two or three months as I have and watch what women are chosen for appointments. Men are looking for young attractive women first and foremost.  

If I can come full circle, men and women do what they perceive to be in their best interest.  Those of us who look South or North are no different than those who don't in this respect.  When I am in Cali, I can date women who in terms of their looks and age are not attainable to me here in California.  The same may be said for the women of the agencies, with an AM many oppurtunities open up that would not exist otherwise. As long as both parties are sincere, realistic and truly understand the comittment they make to one another, I see no harm in these relationships.  

My thoughts on our culture and the MOB process may be a bit too Darwanian for some, however ask yourself the following questions. Would you travel to Colombia for matrimony if you could only meet women who were your own age as is predominately the case here?  Do you believe the MOB business would exist as it does today in Colombia, if the economy and stability of their government was equal to our own?

My answer to both questions is a resounding NO however that does not mean that I am against the process nor do I apologize for it.   It is what it is.

El Diablo

[KADAMS]

... in response to The process, posted by El Diablo on Jul 10, 2001

I don't understand, why is it so that when poor qualities of AW's are pointed out, it is bashing? They do it to us and it is cute, I saw an rootbeer commercial where they called the man "thick-headed", would they do that for a woman, no.

AW's have the luxury of the Media, they have biased laws dealing with Divorce and Child custody, they can be anything they want. Look at the result, they have really let themselves go. If you walk into the Grocery store and look at all of the women, how many would you consider worth your time? Go ahead and look, and we are not even talking about personality yet.

[Jeff S]

... in response to The process, posted by El Diablo on Jul 10, 2001

My wife is a couple years older than I (but lots better looking) You know why, I ended up marrying her. She was the FIRST woman I'd dated in over 18 years of looking, who didn't look at me as a project - something to be altered into something SHE wanted. My wife accepted me as I was.
-- Jeff S

[Houndog]

... in response to Re: The process, posted by Jeff S on Jul 10, 2001

I'm with you all the way. One of the most enduring features of my wife is that she accepts Me for Me and not a project like you say.

I've dated a lot of AW and even married one...all the serious ones felt compelled to whip me into shape/submission. Yet they were attracted to me for my Independence, Individuality, Strenght, etc.....an enigma I finally just got tired of fighting and dealing with.

HD

[buzzy]

... in response to The Desperation Factor.. C'mon guys, get..., posted by newby Jim on Jul 9, 2001

Ok..you remember that movie where Richard Dreyfess gets mentally obsessed with building a mound of dirt and clay after an encounter with aliens? Then he sees the object of his obsession on tv and realizes that is where he has to go?  Ok well in this movie if you just substitute a latina MOB instead of that obsession of the Colorado mountain.... you will begin to understand what we gringos have experienced.  It's a mental spiritual connection so to speak that yearns to be continually satisfied.  We are no longer satisfied with status quo.  There are only a few of us with this mission.  We are committed to this end come heck or high water.  It's not something we can control.  Not now.  It's much bigger than that.  I hope you understand now a little bit more what we're trying to do here.  And if you don't we understand. Take care and good luck.

[DallasSteve]

... in response to The Desperation Factor.. C'mon guys, get..., posted by newby Jim on Jul 9, 2001

sis

OK, now I can talk.  My wife and I worked out, washed off, engaged in other activities ;-), and then we logged back on to Planet-love.  She's learning English and she has started lurking here.

Over the years I've seen the young men that young women pick in this country to father their children and sometimes marry.  A large percentage of them are bad apples and you know it.  If you think the young men are any better in Colombia I think you're dreaming.

A better question is why would an attractive woman want an unfaithful, insensitive, unsuccessful, lazy, beer-drinking, computer-game playing boy when she could have a man like me?  And why should I want an out-of-shape 40-something American Woman who wants to complain and dress like a man?

And in case it matters, I'm 5'9", 150 dripping wet after I run 3 miles or lift weights like a madman.  My wife wants me to gain weight, but I know how hard it is to take it off.  I will still have ripped abs when I turn 50 thank you very much.  You should be so lucky.

Steve

[FenixRises]

... in response to The Desperation Factor.. C'mon guys, get..., posted by newby Jim on Jul 9, 2001

I just returned from Cali, Colombia last night.
I have never thought that I was more than average in appearance.
I'm 52, 5'8", 160 lbs, fair skinned with light brown hair and hazel eyes. I went to Cali hoping to find a woman who was between 30 and 40 years old. I stayed at one agency the entire time. Many of the Calenas that came to the agency did not have appointments to see anyone specific. Some were interested in joining and some were already members. And some were just checking out the new meat, I am sure. As I said I was only interested in meeting what I considered age appropriate (for me) women. Yet I often noticed that women, in their very early twenties and sometimes only 18 to 20 of age, were looking at me with appearant and sustained interest and ready to return my glance in their direction with a big and warm hearted smile. Where they only being friendly? Or maybe I am being a bit conceited and was only dreaming or maybe they perceived $$ stamped on my forehead, my reality would have disappointed them, or maybe some really were interested in someone who appeared stable, polite, kind and considerate and when looked at did not require the need for a flight sickness bag. But one thing is for sure, AW of similar caliber and age have never looked at me in quite that way.
Fred

[Pete E]

... in response to The Desperation Factor.. C'mon guys, get..., posted by newby Jim on Jul 9, 2001

The answer,sis,is that in Colombia it is hard for a woman to find a good man.Just being a good man doesn't get you much in the states unless you are also young,tall good looking and rich or at least have a very good job.Women here,particularly if they are good looking,are very spoiled
and tend to treat men badly.Also,lets look at their other choices a woman in Colombia has.She can get a good looking young guy,but he will probably never marry her,and if he does he is almost certain to fool around on her,it's a Colombiano pastime.In defense of the guys,getting married probably means a hard life so why not stay with momma till she dies and just fool around.They don't have alot of money but if they live at home they can afford to play around.
I like to use the word opportunity,not desperation.Most of these women are not desperate,they can continue to live with the family and get by.But they,as I think all people,want opportunity,a chance for a better life.Marrying an American can give them a better life and also a more faithfull and supportive husband.
Also,big age differences are common down there.Marrying an older man means stability.Young guys there are not likely to have much going for them,so they are already used to that part.
Its a whole different world down there.Its hard to shift your thinking from what the expectations are here.For a guy who actually goes down there its hard to believe at first,but you get used to it and don't want to settle for any less.For an american women,who seems to care about her brother,I would say hide and watch.If he is serious and carefull enough to avoid the problem women,who may be 10% of the women,you will see him come home with a sweet,loving wife who will treat him very well and stick with him through about anything.You,as well as he,will be amazed.You can't help but like most of these women.
You have to see it to believe it.No amount of analysis from afar will get the point across.
So guys,catch a plane,look for character over beauty,because you can get enough beauty in the good ones to suffice,and more beauty in a bad one is just trouble.
For American women,if you are a family member or friend who has the guys best interest at heart you will be pleased.If you are an ex girl friend or wife you will be jealous.

Pete

[newby Jim]

... in response to Re: The Desperation Factor.. C'mon guys,..., posted by Pete E on Jul 9, 2001

Thanks for all of the responses.. I've learned quite a bit watching the posts here, and it seems to me a real opportunity that sure does'nt seem to exist here. Sis wants me to marry good the 2nd time; she hated my first wife, and it turns out for d@mn good reasons. After reading your posts, she's a little more comfortable with it also (until next week); she especially took heart in hearing descriptions of the Colombian guys who are available. I'm more comfortable with the notion of latina/gringo marriages are in part because of the riches & stability we have here.. it's part of what a woman looks for, and it's perfectly fine, so long as it's not the primary reason. Still, I'm going to be lookin for someone in their 30s; for me, there's a maturity and an appreciation for a good,decent,stable guy that does'nt exist in many younger gals.

[Hamlet]

... in response to My sis...hmmm..., posted by newby Jim on Jul 10, 2001

Your sister may derive motivation from comments one of my Panamanian pen friends made to me last week:

It's strange, Latin men don't like Latinas so much.  They are MAD about tall, blond, American, Canadian or Russian women.  They (Latin males) would lick the dirty floor for marrying an Anglo-Saxon woman.

[rick13]

... in response to My sis...hmmm..., posted by newby Jim on Jul 10, 2001

Jim, tell your sister she has no need to worry about you whatsoever. Unlike many on this search you are a realist. In search of a stable appreciative woman,not a girl who still needs "to get it all out of her system" before she can even think of becoming a wife.This whole process can be a bit tricky though. I am finding out a lot of foreign women think that all AM are rich and really do not believe if you say otherwise.I am trying to be careful because though we accuse AW of greed, there seems to be a level of greed in most women no matter what her country.      
  Though I understand no woman wants a man without goals, I think many foreign women(notall) see us as meal tickets for themselves,and at times even their family. It seems some family members always need financial help somehow. I am not saying this to discourage you, but just to warn you not to be too trusting.  
   
  There is lots of advice on this board,some good,some not too good. But it's always up to you to weed  out useless information. Good luck with everything.                                    
   Your sister seems very nice. Tell her if she wants to meet a nice guy,try some of the internet dating websites that has  pics and a bio. There are many nice guys out there who are shy (the kind you should look for), but will use those forums to meet women. No,they are not loosers,but the search for a good AW is booming.There are few to be found. She would be suprised at the high caliber of men that join. Tell her to get a free trial membership:)If a man is out there and willing to pay a membership fee to meet someone. Sit there and get to know her through e-mail he is more sincere than most who just want to play.  

[Cali vet]

... in response to Re: My sis...hmmm..., posted by rick13 on Jul 10, 2001

As a matter of fact of I've met a goodly number of Colombian men who are dying to meet a real American gringa.
Sis could probobly have her pick if she learns a little Spanish and heads south with her brother.

[JUAN]

... in response to Re: Re: My sis...hmmm...Colombiano?, posted by Cali vet on Jul 10, 2001

As attractive, as exotic, as different as latinas  are to some AM that is how exotic, attractive and different a blonde, blue eyed or red haired AW is to a good # of latinos.

African American women are also very popular with  latinos.

Look around, you'll see plenty of AW with latinos,  it's going both ways guys.

The guys that constantly harp on how unsucessful AW would be going down south need to wake up,  I was in Mexico last year (Cancun), AW were getting hit on like crazy by Mexican men.