Denial vs Reality...a matter of luck.

[Tai]

Just a thought....

The issue of why AM REALLY go to SA in search of a wife seems to be bouncing around in high gear right about now, so I thought I'd ante up...

True enough, lots of older AM go to SA and select women based on the "hotness factor", a woman that will make them the envy of all the guys back home, and somehow validate his view that he is still "the man". I have seen this personally in the extremes; a guy that looked like a tall lanky version of Barney Fife, holding out because the ladies he was meeting(easily 8's and 9's) were not "hot" enough. Now granted, the rest us noticing his pattern over the couple of weeks that it played out were dumbfounded....with the majority of the group feeling that he is in denial and setting himself up for major problems since he was looking for a perfect "10"(one with bad eyesight clearly) that wasn't aware that she was a 10. Now, watching this man was like watching the coyote build the trap for the roadrunner...you KNOW what is going to happen in the end.

However, if not taken to such an extreme...is it wrong to want someone that treats you well, who is also a physically gorgeous woman? Many successful unions are also based on luck, two people of a certain caliber being in the right place or situation at the right time. You may have an idea who you are marrying, but often the REAL person surfaces over time. In successful marriages the person that surfaces over time, through the trials of marriage IS in fact the same person you married. And though different men take various levels of precaution to "know" her first, really they are just attempting to favorably manipulate the risk(see gamble..a.k.a. luck).

So...if an older AM marries the young gorgeous woman, and everything works out then that is the "reality" of those types of relationships. If the guy marries the young gorgeous woman and the surfacing woman is not the one he married and she bails out, then the man is termed as having been in "denial".

I say if said guy goes into it with both eyes open, knowing the risks involved...so be it. However, if he is living the "dream" that the looks nor age of the AM aren't a consideration for the SA ladies(yes, there are some exceptions) then that is another story and an accident waiting to happen.

Most of what happens in life is influenced by luck...so when you get the opportunity to "choose" your variables, why sell yourself short? Go for the gusto.

I say if you're going to "go out", don't go out in a flicker..go out in a BLAZE.

just .02

Tai

ps - I'm not saying that all AM that travel down there should be on the "search for the holy grail", this is simply about the guy not "settling"(selling himself out) based on "what if..."  And to my man Steve out in MN, congratulations on your ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!(He's 55...she's 24, and looks at him with stars in her eyes)

[KADAMS]

... in response to Denial vs Reality...a matter of luck., posted by Tai on Jul 10, 2001

Good points, I have also noticed that when the Guys catch their future mate(or whatever) doing something wrong, they dump them and move on. In the USA, we are to "forgive" and "seek answers", who cares? Find a new one, and move on. This survival mentality is one that you will not see much in the States. Even when a guy is raked over by some inconsiderate Chica, he moves on and tries again. This is a good attitude, I hope to have this someday. But people seem to be very cautious about marriage, more than before, this is good. Thinking with reason, not reflex is what will save your arse, if it looks to good to be true-it probably is.

good luck

[FenixRises]

... in response to Denial vs Reality...a matter of luck., posted by Tai on Jul 10, 2001

Tai,
Good subject.
To misquote a few platitudes.
Know yourself if you want to know your enemy.
To thine own self be true.
You don't always get what you want but you always get what you need.
As you sow, so shall you reap.
What goes around, comes around.
IMO know yourself very well and don't lie to yourself about yourself.
Buena suerta
Fred

[Diego A.]

... in response to Denial vs Reality...a matter of luck., posted by Tai on Jul 10, 2001

Okay Thursday I leave Dallas for Latinaland! (Cali)YAHOO!
I have several things lined up.  One instant difference
is I have several dates lined up with AW you could go weeks
trying to get a simply lunch or a phone number! I've corresponded a little mostly with girls that are 20-28 I'm 37 is I feel that is a reasonable difference in age (especially since I feel mentally 18 not immature but have youthfull perspective, while I know people in their 20's that are mentally 50)
I mean isn't this the reason we do this because what I'm
hearing from others this is something we can't get at home.
If I can stay/improve physically I think it's reality.
and the HOT factor is definatly motivation to shell out all
the money but that's not the whole ball of wax much more
to our good fortune is that LW "generally" have more family
oriented values and are more loving and supporting than
their AW counterparts.  Kindness, intelligence,
faithfullness and a sense of humor are also very important qualities to seek in a wife.  The biggest question for me
can she love me as strongly as I can her.
D.

[Pete E]

... in response to Re:so is this Denial or Reality?, posted by Diego A. on Jul 10, 2001

Diego,
You are going to the right place and seem to have the right attitude so you should have the time of your life,literally.You have to experience it to believe it,and you will.
Can she love you as much as you love her?Sure,but it depends on the people.Sometimes colombianas kind of grow in to love with you instead of the instant sha sam a guy can feel,but if they care about you they will let you know right away.

Pete

[JunFan68]

... in response to Denial vs Reality...a matter of luck., posted by Tai on Jul 10, 2001

Here here!!  That's what I did...There is absolutely no reason you should settle for anything less than what you want in SA, especially Colombia.  There are sooo many single women down there that are good looking that it behooves one to be choosey.  I bet the percentage is the same of Colombianas who are good looking with the 'total package' and girls that are ugly who have the 'total package'....so, why not just start with the good looking ones and work from there.  Sure, you have to have somewhat reasonable expections relative to your looks, age, etc.  I absolutely wanted to meet the best looking woman possible that had the other values that I was looking for.  And for me, I have no doubt that I found what I was looking for.

Have you ever been around some georgous American girl who was the best looking, had the best body, great personality, down to earth girl that was married to an 'average looking' guy?  I know I have.  The question that would always come to me was 'how come she married him?' or 'why does that sh!t never happen to me?'  I came to realize what the answer was:  somebody is gonna marry her, why shouldn't it be me?  It's true. Most of the georgeous girls out there aren't married to a Tom Cruise type anyway. There is no rule that says that just because a girl has a great body and is good looking, she can't have the ultimate personality, or be humble, or laid back, or whatever...

just some random gleanings...

Mike

www.sparhard.com/colombia.htm

[JunFan68]

... in response to Re: Denial vs Reality...a matter of luck..., posted by JunFan68 on Jul 10, 2001

Sure, I guess you can say that the uglier ones have a higher propensity to have greater 'inner beauty'.  It's kinda funny the less attractive girls tend to also be...uhhhhh, more overweight, not so cute smile, big butts, worse teeth maybe (if they have teeth), throw in a little body odor, depressed, etc.  Interesting how that seems to be the case in the US too.  Wait a minute, could they have something in common?  Ahh ha! They are WOMEN !! I hate to break it to you guys, but women are women, no matter where they are from...at least in this hemisphere.

Later,
Mike

www.sparhard.com/colombia.htm

[El Diablo]

... in response to Denial vs Reality...a matter of luck., posted by Tai on Jul 10, 2001


Tai,

I don't think it is wrong necessarily to want a younger or physically more attractive woman.  However I don't see the desire for such, at the expense of other qualities, of any great virtue either.  In an IDEAL world, I would like to think that our care for our spouse would be based on his or her essence and not on appearance. But I don't think this is the case.

Think about your use of the terms "settling" and "selling yourself short".  I interpreted your words in terms of a woman's looks, not her character.  When we begin to define people in this way we run the risk of dehumanizing them.  A wife becomes something not to love but rather an object to have and to use.  

When we do depart from the ideal, we should at least recognize that it is a departure.  We should not attach false virtue to what essentially is a weakness in our nature but rather see it for what it truly is.  However I rarely if ever see this occur.  In fact we belittle the women in our culture for behaving as we ourselves often behave.  IMO it's hipocrysy of the worst order.

El Diablo

[Patrick]

... in response to Re: Denial vs Reality...a matter of luck..., posted by El Diablo on Jul 10, 2001

"In fact we belittle the women in our culture for behaving as we ourselves often behave. IMO it's hipocrysy of the worst order."

Well said.  Next time someone posts a AW bashing post, they should step back and read it from a female perspective.  Many guys bash American women for being too choosy, without realizing that they are exactly the same.  Then there's the guys who bash Latinas for being interested in more than one man at a time while they themselves have a string of women they're meeting to make their decision on who to pick.  If they're "engaged" they have a point, but if there's no commitment, don't complain if they too have more than one man they're considering.

Are they waiting for the most confident, well-off guy with the intention to blow you off if they find someone better?  Maybe, but how many guys are looking for the ultimate babe and blowing off one woman when they find another more attractive?

Be realistic and take an honest look at your own motivations and actions before bashing others.  There's plenty of guys in this who look at women as objects rather than people. It's obvious to those who are able to step back and look at the comments without coloring their thought process with bad memories of a previous relationship.  It's called emotional baggage, and it's something many men complain that too many American women have without ever considering the possiblity that many American men may be suffering from the same thing.

[Tai]

... in response to Re: Denial vs Reality...a matter of luck..., posted by El Diablo on Jul 10, 2001

El Diablo,

First let me say I always find your posts/responses both interesting and insightful....now...

My use of settling/selling yourself out, was not based on "looks" per se. Settling isn't a matter of "she isn't "drop dead fine" therefore she is a lesser quality woman." Looks are a subjective matter anyway...a lady that I think is FINE may be considered average or even unattractive to the next man. "Beauty is in the eye of.."

Settling/selling oneself out is something that takes place in the mind of the "searcher". If a man meets a woman AND she is young and beautiful and everything is lovely, but he passes on her simply because he is older(significant age difference) or says she is TOO beautiful for him(he is out of his league/zone), and he is afraid of something that may or may not happen some day in the future....that IS selling yourself out.

At that point you are living your life according to your fears.

Of course if you are in "search of the holy grail" and looks are your first and last consideration...then that is another issue entirely and trauma/drama is sure to follow.

We all have to check ourselves for cuts before going into the water. Because as another poster said, "if you're bleeding in the water the sharks WILL come."

Tai

[El Diablo]

... in response to Re: Re: Denial vs Reality...a matter of ..., posted by Tai on Jul 10, 2001


Thai,

Thanks for the compliment and I will say the same for your posts.  

I agree that the notion of settling or selling yourself short takes place in the mind of the searcher -- no real argument there. But my question is, what is it that we should not settle less for??

Listen I don't want to overdue the point. When I'm in Cali, I go out with attractive women by and large.  I wonder sometimes however,  how many women I overlook because of something that in the long run is of little significance.

El Diablo