filipinas, family members, and $

[Bear]

... in response to filipinas, family members, and $, posted by senge on Aug 31, 2003

Senge all I can say is that in most third world countries families are very close and have been raised to help each other.  The R.P. is no different.  Many families have children in hopes that one or more will be successful enuough to help provide for their family.  Yes they go overboard when it happens and take radical advantage of the success of that member but its because no one laid out the rules.  Be proud that you sweetie wants to help and assure her that you will help to a limit and then the two of you determine what that limit should be according to the needs, use and or abuse of that assistance.

College is very cheap there.  I was paying for Honey and her brothers college (hers less than $600/yr and his was P650 every 2 weeks).  I stopped at the insistance of my wife paying her brother's college when he failed to follow our rules.  These rules were not hard and clearly spelled out.  Honey saw this failure as an insult to her and would not allow it to continue where if I hadn't spelled it out she probably would still be paying.  The next brother saw what would happen and decided not to even go.  Her sister though wants to attend college next year an agrees to our rules.

The average Filipino makes about $1100/yr.  To send even half that is to permenently aquire a dependant family for the rest of your life.  I send P2500 on the 1st of the month.  They used that money to purchase an entertainment center (TV, VCR/DVD player, etc.).

I have seen fools who sent  $300-1000/mo.  They find themselves in constant family predicaments and a marriage that has several of the leading causes of divorce confronting them daily.  I know one Filipina who many here know who made the mistake of send large sums home to help her elderly and ailing mother.  All her mothers family moved in with her an takes every penny.  When she threatened to stop sending or reduce the amount they let her know that her mother would suffer first.  She is now a very unwilling slave to her family in the R.P. while she lives in poverty here in the States.

The moral is simple.  Filipinas like "simple" life.  They need you not control but to lay out the rules (which you discuss with her 1st) so that they don't have to suffer with such unexpected surprises and/or make these hard decissions that look like they are "bad daughters".  If you think you are not going to help at all then you need to stop looking in 3rd world countries for a spouse because you are just fooling yourself.  Just be smart and discuss it.

Bear and Honey

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Re: filipinas, family members, and $, posted by Bear on Aug 31, 2003

Hi there, I am glad I am back, maybe you could advise me a little.  I am married now and the whole time I have not been asked for any money in the 8 months we have known each other.  I did pay for my wife's school the last 3 months of her graduation.  The Aunt she was living with is well off coz the Uncle is a chief engineer as a seaman.  They have jeepneys, taxies, sory, sory store and a nice house in Pardo Cebu.  The Aunt was paying for her collage for 2 years.  After our civil wedding the Aunt had me get a roast pig for the celebration and we could only eat a little of it that day.  When I came the next day to have a little more of the pig it was already stripped and packed away in the freezer, LOL.  Although the Aunt is the one that wheels and deals with small businesses and hands out spending money for the kids going to school she has never come close to ask me for anything.  Maricel's parents are in Mindanao in Lanao Del Norte in Kapatagan.  She has 3 sisters, and older sister who is 24 with a new baby and happily married to a man who works for the city.  The two younger sisters 12 and 15 are living with the parents.  The Dad now my father in law had a heart attack and had bypass surgery years ago.  He had to sell some of his land to pay for the operation.  They now have only 2 hectares of land where he plants rice, mangoes, coconuts and papaya.  They have a house and it is on the main road.  I ask how they get there water to the house.  Maricel told me it was her job to get the water from a spring half a mile away from the house with 5 gal containers.  The mom whom I met when she visited in Cebu has never asked me for anything.  I did buy her a nice gold necklace in January which she wears proudly.  I have been reading these posts and hear the horror stories of some family demands.  I have expected it especially getting married to a young Filipina.  We so far nothing.  I left her with $400 and an ATM card coz I didn't know when I was going to be able to send her more money.  I have $20 in the ATM card and she was instructed to try to withdraw it near where she lives, but the ATM which is 1st Union is not good anyplace.  We know it works in Cebu but that is faraway.  We will see what she does with the $400, she knows that it may be a long time till she gets any more money.  I offered to send her $100 a month as she is living at home.  She asked to send her $200 a month and I have no problem with that in a few months when her $400 runs out.  I told her not to do any investment of or business plans yet unless she confides with me first, she said ok.  Maricel has my motorcycle and is using it to help get water in the 5 gal containers.  I told her to have some fun with it.  It seems that she is far away from any e-mail café and she is using the cycle for getting there.  She used the motorbike to ride to a mountain town to get cell coverage.  I was surprised to get her call coz she has never called me from the Philippines before.  I feel bad knowing that her Dad is probably not in the best of health.  I ask Maricel if her dad would mind taking the motorcycle when she comes to the US.  Her answer was that he is to arthritic to ride the motorbike.  Wow, it put tears in my eyes, I feel this family has lots of pride and will never ask for any help.  In Jan I helped her Mom get some steel tip shoes for Dad, they also have my bicycle I bought in January to get around and her sisters are using it.
The last chat I had with her was that she was very bored living back with her family.  While we were in Bohol Maricel mentioned that some men were providing loans to farmers so that they can plant crops.  They pay back in the crops yield so the interest is always paid.  A $1000 investment is required to get started.  She also told me that her sister ran a sory - sory store attached to her house and ran it till she got married.  That requires a $500 investment to get going.  But the problem is that she should get over here in about 8 months if all goes well with the K3 visa.  I told her to study things more and not to do anything right now coz she won't be at home for long.  In Panglao Island we seen a resort for sale and I really liked it.  Maricel wants to stay in the Philippines and wants me to settle down and retire there.  I am also surprised that she has no great desire to come to the US.  But she says she will go anywhere that I am as long as we are together.  I plan to go back in Feb 2004, I want to check out that beach resort again it looks real nice.  Now I did not go to Mindanao to visit her parents.  Everyone I talked to said it was not a good idea.  Now in her last chat she said there was an American who married a girl near her home and he got married there.  He was 40 years old and stayed for 3 weeks.  Does any one have more information on the safety of Lanao Del Norte and Kapatagan.  I see it on the map and it looks like a boarder line to being safe or not safe.  I know little about that area and stayed away.  I almost went to Ozamis with a ferry to go part of the way to her home.  At the ferry when I picked up her Mom I did see foreigners stepping of the boat.  She has to go to anther ferry from Ozamis then a 3 hour motorcycle drive on a good road.  Anyone got any ideas?  Most of the Moslems are in Lanao South.  But there are scattered Moslems near where she lives.  I sure would like to meet her family in there home in Feb.  Her sister operated a profitable sory - sory coz the Army base is close by and lots of soldiers are stationed there.  On another note Maricel is showing that her Mom is unhappy that they were not attending our civil marriage ceremony.  She says that her Mom feels that I don't like her family.  All the talking of how that's not true doesn't seem to help.  Any comments or advice would be appreciated with my marriage situation.  I am lonely; I have never felt so lonely before.  
Till next time Peter Lee

[HaroldC]

... in response to Re: filipinas, family members, and $, posted by Bear on Aug 31, 2003

About Filipinos, exclusively men, not going to college even though someone, foreign or Filipino, has offered to provide. They have to know they are not going to get a job without that education.

I can only speculate they figure that they:

-won't get a job anyway, so what's the point?

-will fail and want to avoid the loss of face.

-will end up being taken advantage of, as Bear describes.

Or are they just spoiled? (I am flabbergasted at how my girlfriend gives priority to a four year old nephew's preferences.) Weird concept that- destitute and spoiled.

[nealt]

... in response to filipinas, family members, and $, posted by senge on Aug 31, 2003

My wife works and sends $100.00 home about every 6 weeks this is money she makes the rest she spends on the home and me (beer and chips).this has made her family go from very poor to upper middle clas
tneal

[senge]

... in response to filipinas, family members, and $, posted by senge on Aug 31, 2003

your answers were perfect info for me.  i understand better now.  for the record, i guess if i had to, i would not mind sending money home to her family, as long as it doesn't impact our own family's living standards.  and i'm sure my wife would not let that happen.  okay, thanks again!

[Ray]

... in response to filipinas, family members, and $, posted by senge on Aug 31, 2003

senge,

I think Nathan gave you a real good run down on the situation. Not all Filipinas here provide financial support for their families back home, but probably 95% do to one extent or another. Some send money regularly and others only occasionally or when family emergencies come up. To avoid future disappointment, you should assume that your Filipina wife will want to help her family in some way. She may not expect to send money home monthly, but there will be times when she will want to help them out. Also, you can pretty much assume that your wife will want to work outside the home, at least part time. If you aren’t asked to help out directly, then she may very likely want to send part of her wages home. Family support is not mandatory but it is customary in Filipino culture, so you shouldn’t automatically assume that those ideas are scams.

A considerable percentage of Filipinos may want to bring other family members over, but it is not the norm. You cannot sponsor her parents or siblings, only she can, and only if she is a U.S. citizen. She could theoretically petition them on her own, but normally would need your financial backing to qualify. Like Nathan said, it takes a long time. If you figure that it would take her at least 4-5 years to attain U.S. citizenship, then the soonest mom or dad could possibly immigrate here would be around 5-7 years and about 27-29 years for brothers and sisters.

You should also expect that she will want to visit home every couple of years or so, so you would need to budget for that. My first impression from reading your post is that you would probably not be happy with the typical financial arrangement that a typical Filipina wife would desire. Of course there are always exceptions, so you certainly don’t have to accept the norm. Supporting a wife is never cheap, but the financial responsibilities that come with a Filipina wife are not normally excessive overall.

Ray

[Nathan]

... in response to filipinas, family members, and $, posted by senge on Aug 31, 2003

[This message has been edited by Nathan]


  Contrary to the myth, it is not likely that you will be sponsoring an
immediate family petition for parents, brothers etc- the quota for this kind of petition has forced a waiting list of at least 20 years, so that is unlikely to be a factor.
  As far as family support goes, you need to realize that
most filipinas feel some obligation to their family.
Why is it that some guys ( and this may not be you at all) have been through every kind of financial screwing possible with an American woman to the tune of tens or even hundreds of thousands, and they think it must be a scam if the little filipina wants to send home a hundred bucks or so every month?
 If you are simply not interested in being any part of an extended family where you are going to chip in a few bucks, I would strongly advise against getting involved with most Filipinas.
  So...just where did that tan cutie who (unlike some AW in one's past) develop the attitude to run a frugal household, not max out the credit card, and sift through the clearance corner at the Gap, learn her attitude? Most likely from her mother, and yes, she likely feels a deep extended family connection to her mom for example. The Philippines is not filled with rest homes full of old folks parked there by
children who want to be free of family obligations. That science is being perfected HERE in the grand old USA.
  Now if one loves a filipina and just wants to be able to set reasonable limits, you can do well. Make it clear that you are NOT RICH, contrary to how many filipinas picture all Americans.( We are all millionaires, right?) Build reasonable expections, and don't set yourself up by strutting your cash, because compared to most filipinos, you are at least a bit rich. Set limits and make those clear from the start. Very often, the filipina soon has a job in the USA and is quite proud to be able to be the one who sends her family a little extra every month. Don't assume that this is always a one way street. If you spend significant time with an extended filipino family, you will see what I mean. You will see considerations and favors come your way in all sorts of ways.
If you have the difficulties that most likely come to all marriages, you will be glad that you have a credible close connnection to her family- they may end up being your biggest supporter in that situation.
   I hope this helps...I pass these tips on out of personal experience.

Nathan