When things go wrong

[Bob S]

... in response to Still a doormat, posted by Alvin1 on May 23, 2003

Sometimes success is the best revenge.  Sometimes you have to settle for schadenfreude (taking pleasure in another's misfortune).

[Stephen]

... in response to Wow, posted by outwest77 on May 23, 2003

"It's not the generation gap, it's the individual Filipina.

[nealt]

... in response to A wise man once said....., posted by Stephen on May 23, 2003

I agree with you, i saw a women married in Cebu taken to the alter in tears by her family and MADE to marry a REAL JERK who had about 200 keys on a chain hanging from his belt that fit NOTHING in the PI,This really upset Jessica and myself,but on the money matter do what i did ask her family for money from time to time to help out our family you will never be asked to send them money it is a slap in the face if you send it to them and they can" help when you ask
tneal

[Michael B]

... in response to Re: A wise man once said....., posted by nealt on May 23, 2003

My lady is a Latina (but I don't mean this as a slap at Filipinas, I'm talking INDIVUALS, not GROUPS in this case). When I was down there visiting her I foolishly didn't bring enough money....come time to leave, I couldn't even pay the airport tax, let alone the hotel. Her neighobr's husband took all the cash he could (about $200US) out of the till of his own small business (no, he didn't steal it, he's the owner, but it did leave him very short) to help me out. It all depends on if the indivual woman is USING you or really CARES about you.

PS..darn right, the day I got my direct depost (paycheck), I wired them the money.

[outwest77]

... in response to Re: A wise man once said....., posted by nealt on May 23, 2003

LOL ask them for money, i bet that shuts them up in a hurry
i have a friend who does that to the bums in our town, before they can open their mouths for a handout he asks, they step back, begin stammering an excuse as to why they dont have any, i piped in once that "hey you ask a lot of guys for spare change you must have some spare change yourself"? dumbfound look like deer in the headlights. LOL

[Stephen]

... in response to I did not do any of this but I agree wit..., posted by Alvin1 on May 22, 2003

gf

[Peter Lee]

... in response to Preparing for when things go wrong, posted by Bob S on May 22, 2003

Well Bob S thanks, these sound like good common sense basics that I will implement.   The problem though is the house has a 100,000 mortgage on it and homestead.  With what you told me a prenap doesn't have much weight in this case anyway.  I have other property and assets in an irrevocable trust that no-one can touch.
I was rather surprised on a first positive response to the reality of our situation.  I was expecting the first comments to be scolding me for even thinking of divorce before I get married.
I trust that more information about what to prepare if things go wrong will be good for the board members and me.  To begin with most Filipinas would not have the disposition to seek gain from a divorce.  But friends will get them an attorney and all hell will break loose.
I for one am clueless on what I should be preparing for before the marriage legally.  We are all so wrapped up in the complicated INS paper work we give the other a low priority.  I hope I don't give off the wrong impression of the why I chose this subject.   When in Davao I met the girl I emailed for many months.   It just didn't work out but I made sure she had more than just bus fare to go back home with her and her chaperon and gave them both expensive perfumes as promised.  It was the right thing to do and if the unthinkable would happen and the marriage didn't work out there should be some compensation for the former wife so she could go home if she wanted and not be overly burdened.  It may not be her 100% fault that it just did not work out.   But the nightmare of her living in your house with a new boyfriend I am sure has happened.  So all we are doing is like you said think with the Big Head.  

[Patrick]

... in response to Re: Preparing for when things go wrong, posted by Peter Lee on May 22, 2003

Perhaps you could take a second out on your home (interest rates are really low right now) and pull the equity out before getting married.

One thing you definitely need to do is talk to a family law attorney in your area.  I talked with three myself before I even got serious with anyone.

[Howard]

... in response to Re: Preparing for when things go wrong, posted by Peter Lee on May 22, 2003

Peter,

As others have already stated, whatever you bring to the marriage, is yours if you should leave.  Your wife's entitled to 50% of any assets--including equity on your house--accrued during the marriage, but also responsible for 50% of any debt incured during that same period of time.  In my case, do to the cost of the wedding, bringing her here, taking care of her initial needs, etc... we were about even in a two year period.  In fact, I was awarded $2500.00 (Which she never paid and I never pursued the payment of)in the settlement because of medical bills I paid on her family's behalf that she had a greed to reimburse.

If something is gonna happen, you usually see it coming far in advance.  Sometimes even before the marriage.  It has been my expirience that if anything is gonna happen, it seems to in the first couple of years.  Given the situation, you don't really gain a lot during the first few years of marriage, because of the expense involved and the small amount financially that your spouse/fiancee brings to the table. At least not if you are a typical middle class type.  Or so it would seem

Now... Personally, I would never, ever, enter into a marriage where I felt compelled to consider it's demise and my battle plan, in the event that it does, before it has even begun.  If I had those feelings, I would look until I found someone that didn't make me feel that way and then marry her.  In my opinion, planning an escape route undermines the committment to making evrything work no matter how difficult.  

Many of us have been burned and that's why we're here. We are looking for something better.  Some of us have been burned even after taking these drastic measures.  Some of us could have avoided our misfortunes with a little common sense and some of could not not matter how wise we were.  

That being said, preparing a Golden Parachute is defeating the purpose, in my opinion, of going to the lengths we are willing to, to meet someone with whom we don't have to worry about the things that make marriage to another American unattractive.

Marriage is about trust, friendship, respect and ultimately, love.  I feel if I concentrate on those aspects, a Golden Parachute won't be necessary

For the Record, I was 14 yrs older than my wife and the Generation Gap was just too large for me to bridge. I am by no means "un-hip", but I never anticipated being marrried to a member of the MTV generation, which she quickly became.  The lure of Pop Culture is great on the very young, that is what many foreigners deem "American".  Just thought I would share that.

You picked a good topic for discussion  Keep it coming

Keep the Faith!

H

[Alvin1]

... in response to My Take, posted by Howard on May 22, 2003

Hello Howard

I do not think it is the generation gap that separates.  It is the motive of the Filipina that separates.  You had a bad experience that will only make your next relationship that much better and wonderful.  The reason for failure is failure to plan.  Not plan for divorce but plan to prevent those things that lead to divorce.

Good luck with your new (wive)life to be.

Cheers
alvin

[Ray]

... in response to It is not the generation gap, it is the ..., posted by Alvin1 on May 22, 2003

...that you are no longer strongly opposed to large age differences???

Ray

[Alvin1]

... in response to Does that mean..., posted by Ray on May 22, 2003

Hello Ray,
As long as the Filipina or Filipino (saw a two caucasian women with Filipinos on my last visit)  has reached an age where they are capable of making a mature decision.  Some of us old ferts set our age goal too low out of an unreachable fantasy that will only lead to divorce and unhappiness. My posts are really to make someone look at the other side of the coin to make sure they do not have a two headed coin (or two asses coin).  I have never criticized Carl and Velma (46 years age difference) and I have always been kind to them.  I know that I appear to be mean at times becasue this is what it takes to get attention to a fault or the appearance of a fault.  I always thank people when they criticize me constructrively and do not take offence because they may be right.  I learn a lot more from a bad mistake than self perceived brilliance  (or should I say foolishness)

Some American consider Filipina easy pickings because of their 3rd world poverty which gives the Filipina a great advantage.  When someone thinks lowly of your circumstances or interlect, it is easy for the arrogant American to be exploited.

There is a 20+ years age difference between me and my wife and I get happier every day that I am with my wife.  The beginning of the relationship was very rough to say the least becasue of an interfering cousin who wanted my wife to leave me, only for the reason of control and her own unhappy marriage.  It may be cultural for Filipina to try to creat unhappiness in other relationships so that they can identify with them.  Unhappiness loves company.  This was an older cousin who introduced us and the Filipino culture is to respect the opinion of the elder.

I leave home late and leave the office early each day to be with my wife and two beautiful daughers each day.  Not making the money I used to make but a lot happier. I used to work 36 hour days and lived in two houses in the same city just to avoid going  home and was money rich but emotionally poor.  I know this is off the subject but I never follow the rules.

Cheers
Alvin1

[Alvin1]

... in response to It is not the generation gap, it is the ..., posted by Alvin1 on May 22, 2003

nt

[Stephen]

... in response to wife not wive, life and wife are the sam..., posted by Alvin1 on May 22, 2003

A couple of years back there was a doctor from Texas that married a lady from  Mindanao (Butuan City, I think).   They married and got to the US.  The wife got pregnant.  And that's the last I heard from them.

Is that you?

If so, I'm glad to hear from you again.  I had wondered about you several times and hoped you were doing okay.

Stephen

[Alvin1]

... in response to Say, Alvin....., posted by Stephen on May 22, 2003

Hello Stephen,
I am the one who tried to introduce you to a beautiful young lady in Butuan City and I sent her your picture but you were already totally occupied with your now wife.

My wife is from Butuan and knows Marife, the wife of Dave.  Marife actually attended my birth party in Butuan
before her entrance to the US.  Marife is a very nice person with a quiet personality.  I still have picture of her and her family.

I think my wife "knows of" your wife's family.  I think your wife's family lives near the airport??

I plan to post pictures of my family when I hook up the scanner.

'Cheers
Alvin1