Would you try again?

[Travis]

As some of you know I met and married a Russian woman and it wasn't exactly a good thing. I admit that I made LOADS of mistakes. Those mistakes I am taking care of now and they will be fully addressed in due time. I think I did learn from those mistakes, at least I hope I did! The question for those that know what happened: Would you try again? I worry about messing up again and finding another gold-digging, green-card wanting suka. But I am attracted to Eastern European women. I just found the wrong one...not that she's hard to look at, just impossible to live with and impossible to trust So, the question is this: Should I use my expierience and find a decent woman or leave well enough alone and thank God I'm not in jail or homeless. To be honest, most of my close friends thought I was a bit crazy to marry a Russian woman to begin with. If I try again based on all that happened, I may be disowned! To their credit, it was my closest friends that helped me through the ordeal I went through...I don't want a repeat, nor do they.

P.S. After the divorce is final and she's outta her (the wife I mean), I will post her name and photo so noone her has to deal with her or her friends! But then again, someone here posted a response a few months ago that made a lot of sense: "buyer beware".

[DanM]

... in response to Would you try again?, posted by Travis on May 2, 2003

I agree you should not lump all RW in any category. They have good and bad like all groups. The important thing is to do a better job with your search next time.

Like you, I had a bad experience with a RW. Luckily I did not marry her, but she still took me for some cash as my fiance.

When it happened to me, it really messed me up. More than I understood at the time. My advice is to give yourself a little break from all dating so you can clear your head and approach this again with a healthier perspective. Just take a little time to heal emotionally. Its not fair to you or the next girl to do otherwise.

Also be more careful next time. Think about your mistakes and learn from them. Don't just beat yourself up as some sort of pennance. Just try to rationally think about the things you could have done better. Also learn from this hard-won expereince of many posters on this board.

When you are ready to start your search again, I am sure you can find the right girl. There are millions of decent and honest girls in the  FSU. The trick is to put yourself in a position to meet them.

Whatever you do, don't give up hope. If I would have used one bad experience as an excuse to quit trying, I never would have found my wife. The bad experience I had with my former fiance was not a tragedy, but it would have been a tragedy if I had not met my wife. She is easily the best thing that has ever happened to me.

[Travis]

... in response to Re: Would you try again?, posted by DanM on May 5, 2003

I think one thing that ticks me off is that I think I met the right one. At least it really seemed like it. She and I used to write almost every day, talk a few times a week and play pool til all hours of the night. We had a lot more in common than my wife and I ever did. But being the brilliant guy I am, I blew her off and married my wife...which obviously turned out to be a HUGE mistake. You know what they say, hind-sight is 20/20. Maybe a trip to China is in order sometime next year...if they get their SARS problem under control! What am I saying, I don't even know if she'll give me the time of day at this point

[DanM]

... in response to Re: Re: Would you try again?, posted by Travis on May 5, 2003

So the other girl is from China?

Just try to learn from your mistakes and make better choices next time. We all make mistakes, but the smart people learn from them.

I really do think you should also consider a little "me time" before you take the dating plunge again. Spend time with friends, family, hobbies or whatever. After a little break, it will be a lot easier to put all of this in perspective.

Take it easy.

[Travis]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Would you try again?, posted by DanM on May 5, 2003

Ethnically she's Russian, is a citizen of Kyrgyzstan but works in China. No matter, I won't be doing anything anytime soon anyhow! Thanks.

[John K]

... in response to Would you try again?, posted by Travis on May 2, 2003

Travis, the only person who can truly answer that question is you.  You say you have learned your lessons.  That's easy to say and easier to think, until the next pretty face crosses your path.  Once your libido and/or romantic spirit kicks in, people tend to forget common sense and everything they have learned the hard way.

Marina and I both approached our relationship in a suspicious manner.  We built up our trust slowly, and we were both careful to question each other over anything that didn't sound right.  When questioned, we were careful to be honest and open with our answers.

In a way, consider it like a job interview.  You each are interviewing each other to see if they are "fit for the job."  A smart interviewer doesn't just hire someone for their looks (except possibly in mass media).  They look for the personal qualities in the candidate that make the best match for the position.

Marina and I were very careful to qualify each other, before she ever got on the plane to come to America.  Even so, we had some difficult times "settling in".  Luckily, because we had done our homework beforehand, we each had what it took to make the relationship work.  

While this may seem cold hearted and calculating at first glance, Marina and I were focused on the end result:  A happy, productive, and successful marriage.  A lot of guys are too focused on "getting her" and don't think a lot about what happens after she's "got".  Failure to mutually define your relationship and marriage early on is going to bring you a lot of misunderstandings and heartaches.  Failure to keep on defining the relationship after marriage, will likely lead to many personal heartaches.

When Marina and I are together, we take a walk together every night.  While we did it initially for exercise and weight control reasons, it became more important to us as an opportunity to talk without distractions.  We talk about how our day went; we talk about where we are and where we see ourselves going; we talk about our feelings regarding issues that are important to us; we explore our concerns and fears regarding issues we feel threaten us.  All of this helps to keep defining where we are at as a couple.

I guess at this stage, Travis, you need to take some time and solidify your "lessons learned".  Once you've done that, you need to decide if you have the willpower to stick to those lessons the next time a pretty face comes along.  If you feel confident you can do it, and if you feel you are ready to try it again, then take the appropriate precautions and go for it.  If you're not certain you can handle it, then do yourself and the lady a favor and stay away from the MOB scene, until you are really ready.

As always, this is simply my 2¢ and strictly my opinion.  Your mileage may vary.

[Travis]

... in response to Learning your lessons., posted by John K on May 3, 2003

The libido factor I realize is a problem. That hit's the nail pretty squarely on the head!

[tim360z]

... in response to Would you try again?, posted by Travis on May 2, 2003

I don't think it would be wise to lump ALL RW in with the one you met and married.  That would be an inaccurate depiction.  

First,  chill out and relax and get this whole episode you got yourself into...over with.  Loose it all.

Next:  Consider what you really want and if its attainable.  Be honest with yourself.  Take your time. Be practical.

Then:  You're on your own.  Choose wisely, grasshopper.

[Travis]

... in response to Re: Should you try again?, posted by tim360z on May 3, 2003

I really don't put all these ladies in the same catagory. I believe that the majority of them are honest and are nothing like my wife and her friends. I guess my concern is if I'm capable of telling them apart before it's too late

[Deckard]

... in response to Would you try again?, posted by Travis on May 2, 2003

Travis,

I'm no expert on these matters, but I would say definitely wait a while, analyze what happened, then listen to your head but follow your heart.

And definitely, don't force yourself to settle for localized dating out of concern that this might happen again should you look to FSU women. Because you know that you won't be happy later on if you settle. At least, I wouldn't.

Best of luck to you,

-Deckard

[tbirdjoy]

... in response to Would you try again?, posted by Travis on May 2, 2003

I also was married to a Russian woman and she was from Moscow.  The marriage lasted about 3 years. She was not a gold digger at all.  She came from a upper middle class enviornment and was an English professor at a university. She gave up a comfortable life to move here to be with the man she had fallen in love with....me.  She was sweet and kind. However there were issues that we couldn't seem to overcome and as sad as it was we decided to get divorced. She even wanted to be my girlfriend and continue to see each other but I decided the best thing for both of us was to part, so I moved to the southern part of the state and we started seperate lives.

My experience is quite a bit different than yours but like yourself I am forever hooked on Eastern European women. I learned a lot about myself and about what I really need in a woman. I won't ever get envolved again with a woman who has a child and I decided to stay away from women from the large cities like Moscow, St. Pete, and Kiev. However I knew I would never be happy with our domestic breed of female here in the USA. So taking all of my experience and knowledge from this experience and knowing all of the pitfalls and hard work ahead of me I started this process again. To make a long story short I'm headed to Poland this coming Friday (9th) to accompany my Ukrainian fiancee to her visa interview and then I'll bring her home with my after a few days of sightseeing in Warsaw.  

Of course there is a lot more to this story and if you want to talk more than send me an email and we can talk further. What I can advise you is to follow your heart and mind. Give yourself the time you need to heal and continue your quest. Take all of the knowledge you gained from this experience, learn from the mistakes you have identified that you may have made and go back out there and try again. For those men on this Board who have found it there really is nothing sweeter than the love of RW/UW. If RW/UW are truely in your blood no substitution is gonna satisfy you. Best of luck to you!

Mark

[robobond]

... in response to Re: Would you try again?, posted by tbirdjoy on May 2, 2003

Mark,
You say, "I won't ever get envolved again with a woman who has a child".  If you wouldn't mind elaborating on this, I think that a good percentage of the readers would benefit from your experience.  It seems to me that the addition of kids into the mixture makes a complicated situation extremely more complicated --- especially if there is a language barrier making it very difficult to discuss methods of child rearing prior to bringing the new woman here on a fiance visa.  Also, how can a guy establish even a basic relationship with a kid who speaks even less English than his/her mother? Again, I'm speaking of BEFORE actually bring the new family here on a fiance visa...  
Bob

[tbirdjoy]

... in response to Re: Re: Would you try again?, posted by robobond on May 3, 2003

Robobond asked me to elaborate on a comment I made with this thread. Part of my response to Travis included this sentence "I won't ever get envolved again with a woman who has a child". Before I talk about this phylosophy of mine I want to qualify that I am 48 with a 25 year daughter and a 23 year old soon from my first marriage. I married a RW from Moscow back in the late 90's. There was a 15 year age difference between us which was not a problem at all for either of us. When she came to the US she came on her own.  About 4 months later she returned to Moscow to bring her 10 year old son to the US. He had stayed with his grandparents to finish up the school year in Russia.  I had specifically spent time with him when I first went to Moscow to meet Marina.  It is very important to establish that there is compatibility between you and the child of the woman you are wanting to be with.  He and I got along just fine.  His Mother was a college English instructor and so George spoke fairly good English.

During my marriage to Marina George and I got along very well. In fact as I realized that things weren't gonna work out with his mother I felt very sad because I loved George and just wanted the mom to go and not him.  I was very lucky with George as other friends I had were having terrible times with their Russian step-children and they thought George was a great kid.  The main thing that really killed the marriage was fiancial stress. If you think the "dating" process is expensive then what until you get your new family here.  I had forgotten the cost of raising a family. Almost everything in my life tripled in expense. From INS fees to living expenses, another car, larger apartment, increased auto insurance (new driver rates), and the list goes on.  The big problem was that Marina had an extremely difficult time adjusting to her new life in America. The first couple of years I was sending them back to Russia a couple of times a year (at $2000 each visit just for airfare)for visits and bringing her mother out here for a visit. I am a professional and in addition to my regular job at the time I started teaching part-time at a local university to make some extra money. I was sinking in credit card debt and that really makes me stress. At that time I was living in the San Francisco Bay area and it is an extremely expensive place to live.

So I went from being single to having an instant family. As you know we don't have a lot of opportunity to "date" our women due to the distance they don't have grandparents here to drop the kid off at so you really don't have much time to be alone with your RW. She wanted the kid to go everywhere with us. I never could get away for a weekend just with her. Also guys let me tell you that if there is a conflict between you and their child the mother always takes the side of their offspring.  So here I am working 1.5 jobs, for three years I couldn't afford to take a vacation because I'm spending all of my money sending them on "visits" to Russia, I never get to spend much time alone with my wife, and I realize that this is not how I want to spend the second half of my life.  I've rasied my kids and I don't want to raise anyone else's. I want to play with my sweetheart, travel, and for the two of us to run around the house naked if we want to.  You just can't do this with step-kids around.

Another thing I observed with my married friends is that RW/UW tend to really spoil their children especially the boys. I mean way more than what you would consider normal. Again I didn't have this problem but I saw it with my friends.  So for me when I added it all up I just realized that for me to be happy I need to be with a woman who doesn't have kids and understands that pigs will fly before we have any of our own together. :-) (And no I took care of this 15 years ago so there will be no accidents.)  

So understand I'm not advocating one way or another about getting involved with single moms. It really comes down to personal preference and desires. I just learned that hard way that it is extremely expensive having an instant foreign family.  Keep in mind that it could be a least a couple of years before your woman will even get out into the workforce.  She's got obligations to her child and herself to make sure they both adjust in a healthy way to their new homeland. This takes time.

So this was my experience. I hope it may help some of you guys out there if nothing more then to just better plan ahead for life after you get them here. I learned the hard way....but I learned.

Mark

[thesearch]

... in response to Would you try again?, posted by Travis on May 2, 2003

Travis,

My answer would be yes and no depending on things that one can not know.

I guess it depends on how better prepared you are now as compared to then.

First of all, you should wait at least a few months after you are totally rid of your ex. During that time frame you are going to go through some changes that will help you arrive at the answer to that question.

If you are going to consider it, I would continue to post here and help those out that you might think might be making the same mistakes that you did. In doing so, you will most likely get even better understanding yourself in all of went wrong above and beyond what you know now.

If you do get back into this, write down everything that you see you did wrong and keep it somewhere and go back and read it periodically.

Also, to increase your odds of success make sure you do not stretch the age limit or the beauty factor.

Good luck to you.

[Travis]

... in response to {}, posted by thesearch on May 2, 2003

I won't do anything anytime soon. I still have three more months of being married to my current tramp unless she agrees in mediation to a final divorce decree...which she won't because she's going to try and get more money and I ain't giving her cr@p without a court order! But as soon as the divorce is final, all my problems with her cease and her problems begin!

Even though I will be divorced at that time, I really have no intention of looking for a relationship of any kind for quite some time. It's going to take me a while to get over things and get back to being me. I've had a few dates recently and I have noticed that I'm a little colder I guess. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe not. But what I don't want to be like is meeting a lady, whether she be American, Russian or whatever, and immedietaly being suspicious. I don't want to start a date off trying to figure out if she's up to something. That I think is what I need to get over first. I also need to recover finacially and that in itself is going to take close to a year. So, I won't even be able to afford a honey anytime soon other than a temp at the local dollar store...every man has needs

I will continue to post here though I don't want to give people here the impression that my marriage and expierience is the norm because I really believe it isn't. I don't really care to be a negative voice in this endeavor. There are many more success stories on this board than horror stories and I think the successes are truly the norm...at least I hope this is the case. Maybe I'm just being overly optimistic.

You ain't telling me to search for a old ugly woman are you? j/k I know exactly what you mean, been there done that!