Fears Of Your Lady "Leap of Faith"

[TomTx]

... in response to you don't, posted by KenC on Dec 6, 2002

I wish my lady shared those thoughts, she does feel that we are meant to be together because we met totally by accident, and destiny has played a big part of our success. But she is worrying more now so she will feel better in the future; she is worrying about making a mistake. I agree with her 100%, it is a large leap, and she is the loser if doesn’t work out. Money is one thing, but the emotional side for the woman is much more powerful. Yes they are taking the large leap. And I agree all we can do is reassure and give them hope and try to spend as much time as possible with them. I truly don’t think it’s fair to ask ladies to come half way around the world if we are not willing to do the same. I just wish I was rich.
Thanks,
Tom

[vagn]

... in response to Re: you don't, posted by TomTx on Dec 6, 2002

It may help to remind her that there are two
kinds of mistakes:

1. Doing the wrong thing.

2. Failing to do the right thing.

She is here worring about having made a
type 1 error?  She could as well be sitting
in Russia wondering if she made a type 2 error.

really, if circumstances are reasonable it
is the will to be happy, and knowing how, that
make the difference.

[oldbutspry]

... in response to Fears Of Your Lady "Leap of Faith&q..., posted by TomTx on Dec 5, 2002

My fiancee told me something that I found heartening (it was translated from Russian):

"I often think of our time together and I hope for a good future for both of us. The language barrier concerns me a little bit and the lack of time to learn English well too. But they say that the devil is not so black as it is painted. I think that one can reach everything if there's a big desire to it. And I have this desire."

[thesearch]

... in response to Re: Fears Of Your Lady "Leap of Fai..., posted by oldbutspry on Dec 6, 2002

It is here in your lady's quote

"I think that one can reach everything if there's a big desire to it. And I have this desire."

Obviously, for a lady to make this move she must already have the faith to make that leap or she would not do it. She has the desire as she stated. She is going to leap --- it is understanding about what is required in catching her and breaking her fall and making the landing as pleasant as possible.

The key is for her to feel the same two, three, twelve, twenty four months from now relative to holding the intensity of that desire she talks about versus the erosion of such.

It is more about doing what you can to maintain that desire that got her to leap. The question is what can you do to make sure this is the case.

Keep in mind that I have not gotten that far, however, some things are common sense modified by in the trenches experience. Many good posts have come from those who have been there to reveal their experiences in the trenches. These have been excellent posts discussing the challenges that two people tackled in this MOB venue of marriage.

Myself, I think that a lot of it has to do with who you are as a person and not necessarily anything anyone can teach you. If you are a sensitive person, you will be more capable to do what it takes to help your lady You will be more capable because you will listen to her, you will read her concerns hidden behind her smile, you will sense when she needs comforting. If you are the type to wait until troubles surface to a level that even a thug could read the situationl, you are not going to be as much help/support to her in this transition. Lets hope you got a stronger one in this case who is forgiving.  

Some guys will listen to what a woman needs, others will not. Some can hear better than others plain and simple and thus there will be those that will have to use a hearing aid of sorts or will need bend their ear a bit to glean the messages behind the body language.

Some are here because that has been their problem all along and they think that going to the FSU where women are more available to us for a variety of reasons will solve their problems of male/female relationships. There are those more evolved then me here in this and those that are probably less evolved and thus it is all about a willingness to grow and improve in human relations.

I think that the following is a safe barometer for one to us IMHO. If you find yourself thinking that you are doing a lot more than you think is needed then you are probably doing about the correct amount. Who in the He!! knows really. This could be all bullshirt and not apply to you but maybe the guy standing next to you LOL  Anyway if this is correct it most likely applies to the average guy. If you are more sensitive and responsive to women's needs then you need to feel less of this to know you are on the mark I would guess. Sometimes I guess good other times dead wrong.  

Here is one thing to keep in mind and I think that I am correct at least on this one but maybe not.  Most guys will make the extra effort initially but as time goes on, they will start to slip, drifting back to older patterns of less attentiveness. As long as this is in sync with your lady's adaptations and thus less need by her for your attention, this is fine. I would guess that this later aspect would be more difficult to judge. So, do more than you think, for a longer period than you think is needed. But, you know what, those simple things like a single rose she finds on the bed with a note written in Russian that says "I love you, I am so proud of how you are adapting to our new life away from your home" can do more than one can imagine. The problem is that guys forget to do this often enough. If you need to, put a reminder on your calendar at work to do one little thing at least once a week. Just my two cents worth

How can I comment with not having brought a lady over to engage in that aspect of all of this? The comments come from reading a lot of posts, my own experiences with women in general and because I have thought a heck a lot about all of this as a result of determining whether the MOB scene is something that is for me and how would I cope with the situation..

[Mike]

... in response to And in here may be the answer., posted by thesearch on Dec 6, 2002

Myself be it right or wrong from the start I told my wife "what she sees is what she gets", and what I ment by that (and I explained it) is I wasn't going to act,or do anything in our relationship that would eventually fade away with time and only do the things that I felt I could always maintain. I broke that habbit of a new relationship where I would try to impress them, over romance them, and do all the things that are hard to repeat over and over, basically I acted as if we had been together for a long time from the start. In my case I've always opened doors for ladies and been a gentleman, so treating one like a lady isn't a problem. Basically it's a "cut the crap" kind of approach and get down to team work. She too realizes that new relationships go through that first stage where everything is so wonderful then at some point it's gone, or the new wairs off, and sees that by jumping in at the mid point is more realistic and opens the door to reality faster.  So far it's been working and she has nothing to look back at and think " geeze those were the good ol days".

Mike --- who hopes to grow old with his wife

[thesearch]

... in response to Re: And in here may be the answer., posted by Mike on Dec 7, 2002

Good point  

I agree - always try to paint the picture that is because that is what she is going to be living with. The fewer surprises the better as the transiltion she will go through will provide enough of those on its own.

The less surprises coming from the guy, the more secure she will be in the home and thus more capable to deal with  the transition before her.

[TomTx]

... in response to Re: Fears Of Your Lady "Leap of Fai..., posted by oldbutspry on Dec 6, 2002

///

[TomTx]

... in response to Fears Of Your Lady "Leap of Faith&q..., posted by TomTx on Dec 5, 2002

Ok, aren't we missing the point. It's not us making the larger leap, no matter how you look at it, they the women are making the larger leap. How do we help them coup with the fears?
They are leaving friends, family and jobs, etc for a whole lot of unknown. AW and dating it's an advantage, the leap of faith is trust and commitment, and we know how they score in this area. FSU ladies score high on trust and commitment this is why we are looking correct?
So what can we do as gentleman to help them, how can we prove to them they are making a wise decision?

Tom

[Mike]

... in response to Are we missing the point?, posted by TomTx on Dec 5, 2002

how can we prove to them they are making a wise decision?

By showing them security, along with treating them the way you would want a man to treat your daughter.

Mike

[wizard]

... in response to Are we missing the point?, posted by TomTx on Dec 5, 2002

The Litany Against Fear...

"I must not fear... Fear is the mind killer... Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration... I will face my fear... I will allow it to pass over me and through me... And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see it's path... When the fear is gone there will be nothing... Only I shall remain..."

from Dune...
by Frank Herbert...

Be honest, respect them, talk to them, show them that you care... Do not fear the path...

[tfcrew]

... in response to Fears Of Your Lady "Leap of Faith&q..., posted by TomTx on Dec 5, 2002

Of course it is.

It takes two to make that leap. You leap together.
The idea that a marriage is a 50%..50% deal is based on a  lie. It's 100% from both of them/you/us.
Karl

[Jeff S]

... in response to "Leap of Faith" ??, posted by tfcrew on Dec 5, 2002

.

[Anastassia]

... in response to Fears Of Your Lady "Leap of Faith&q..., posted by TomTx on Dec 5, 2002

Jesus, Jesus is the answer!!!

He doesn't give us the spirit of fear... This is for EVERY CHRISTIAN!!!

Take more time to correspond, take more time to call, take more trips out there… till you are ready, till your heart says this is it…. and pray

www.translation.wasem.net

[WmGo]

... in response to Re: Fears Of Your Lady "Leap of Fai..., posted by Anastassia on Dec 5, 2002

Amen sister!

2 Timothy 1:7

That's why I can go anywhere in your homeland and never be afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of!

[JohnL]

... in response to Re: Fears Of Your Lady "Leap of Fai..., posted by Anastassia on Dec 5, 2002

n/t