Should this be considered a Red Flag???

[Chris F]

I normally post and read the latin board. However, I placed an ad on an international dating service for latin women and a russian woman responded. She sounded sweet and looked very beautiful from her picture. She uses a translator program and does not speak English so some things are hard to understand.

I decided to write to her and see where this situation might go. She told me all about her family and where she works at a school. She has no telephone and she uses a computer to write me.

What I found strange is that by her third E-mail to me she has told me that her heart is growing more each day thinking of me. Now on her fourth E-mail she tells me that she is in love with me and thinks of me all the time!!  She has never ask for money which I know is a red flag. However is this normal for  women from Russia to do this? You really cannot fall in love with someone based on four e-Mails and a picture?

Any comments would be greatly apprecited.

[Travis]

... in response to Should this be considered a Red Flag???, posted by Chris F on Nov 12, 2002

Just try to keep in mind that the Russian words for love and like are very simular (lublu, lublet...respectively). If she is using a translator, they may not be translating correctly. Been there, done that. She may be trying to say she likes you and thinks of you often.  Nothing wrong with that. But I don't know, I didn't read the email. But do continue to look out for red flags!!!

[juio99]

... in response to Should this be considered a Red Flag???, posted by Chris F on Nov 12, 2002

Chris, I would say that she is setting you up for a scam, whether it be a large or small one.  No one in a sound mind falls in love via e-mail or any kind of mail or phone calls.

Some of the guys advise you to proceed with caution and give her some benefit of doubt because of language barriers, etc.  While there is something to be said for that, you should also consider the element of the time and effort involved on your part.  For me, it would not be worth my time to play along with her for a while to see how things go.

In fact for me, I would not bother to correspond at all with a lady who could not correspond in English.  I know that many will disagree with this philosophy, but there are just too many hurdles to deal with in these cross cultural relationships without also dealing with language barriers.

JR

[WmGo]

... in response to Re: Should this be considered a Red Flag..., posted by juio99 on Nov 12, 2002

I concur in all of your points...

[Zink]

... in response to Re: Should this be considered a Red Flag..., posted by juio99 on Nov 12, 2002

I found the language barrier to be less difficult to penetrate than personality barriers. I can have more meaningful conversations with some of my Russian friends using broken English and crappy Russian than I can with many people who speak excellent English. If both people are patient and truly want to be understood and understand it's not a big deal. But both sides need to be forgiving of mistakes. If you can't tolerate mistakes you're in for trouble in any relationship.

I don't worry about the time and effort involved in writing. I'm not worried about dying before I get married so I'm not on a scedule. And everything is a learning experience. If your writing to a scammer and you let it play out maybe you'll learn something that will help you or someone else in the future. If you cut and run at the slightest excuse you could be missing a great opportunity for learning or driving away a potential match.

Just my opinion because I believe we all have to do it our own way. For me life is about the adventure of getting there not acheiving the end result.

[Quasimoto]

... in response to Re: Re: Should this be considered a Red ..., posted by Zink on Nov 12, 2002

Ditto!

One thing we have to remember when we are talking languages too, is that fact that there are about 5 words for love, or degrees for love in the Russian language. We have one word. Seems kind of over used to me. Maybe our singular definition is forcing her to overuse it also. Which love is she talking about. Perhaps RW or one of the married RWs can help share the different definitions with us.

Steve

[juio99]

... in response to Re: Re: Should this be considered a Red ..., posted by Zink on Nov 12, 2002

But here are my thoughts.  I am not on a schedule either, as I guess everyone knows and some critize me for.  I look at it in terms of options.  Yes, you can take the time and effort to follow through with someone who has given some signs of being a scammer, but why spend this time when there are thousands of other options available?

And I have some problems accepting your statements re meaningful conversations.  I have tried to talk with some of the RW who have weak English.  I have gotten a large headache and she has gotten a large headache, and in the end we still had no idea about what the other one was really saying.  Yes, I agree that patience is a virtue and that over time, things can work out with these situations just as many here have testified to.

However, everyone would agree there is much more risk involved in these situations than exists where both parties can speak fluently in one language.  And it serves no purpose for others to jump and say . . . he who takes no risk earns nothing and all of those similar things.  It all depends on options.  If a guy or gal has few options, then he or she must be willing to take on more risk.

But, we have thousands of options.  The smart thing to do in any situation, whether it be in romance or business, is to try to cut out as much risk as possible, and then sort through the remaining options, choose the most promising and pursue those lines of action.

Finally, no, I am not going to spend one minute learning Russian.  English is the world language and all of the RW ladies I met know this and heartily embrace it.  Several have told me that I would be stupid to spend time learning Russian.  And, I am not crass relative to the culture of Russia.  You can learn much about the culture of Russia through sources other than studying Russian language.

JR

[Zink]

... in response to Yes, you have some good points, posted by juio99 on Nov 12, 2002

I agree with much of what you say in principle. But for myself I don't use language skills as a criteria. There are much more important things in my opinion. Yes, any lady I'm with will have to learn English. I chose to learn Russian because every word of Russian that I speak will help my lady adapt easier. I can speak enough Russian to survive over there but I don't think that I will ever be considered good at it.

I've been in the same position concerning headaches that you mention. That's why I started learning Russian. Several of the girls I communicated with had supposedly decent English skills. But cut out the interpretor and they struggled. They felt stupid because I couldn't understand them. But when I attempt to speak in their language and they realize that I understand their difficulties they relax and start to enjoy the conversations.  

True understanding is more than just knowing the dictionary meanings of the words that are said. I have connected with people who's language was different than mine. And I have had incredible difficulty explaining simple things to people who have always spoken English. Just my experiences.

There are great risks involved in our search. And I think that being too quick in judging someone is one of the biggest. I am not a hasty man in love or business. I'm not a trusting person by nature but I keep my doubts to myself. Time will reveal all. Time is all we are given in life and it is up to each of us to decide what to do with that time. Personally I think that writing to pretty girls isn't such a bad waste of time even if I don't marry them all.

There is no such thing as a perfect person and we will all have to settle for some quirks that we may not like in our partners. We just have to decide what we can and can't tolerate. If you have a list with absolute parameters you may never find anyone to fill the position. The perfect person for the job isn't always the one with the best resume.

[Jski]

... in response to Re: Yes, you have some good points, posted by Zink on Nov 12, 2002

My lady speaks and writes English quite well, but I would still like to, and have been, learning Russian.  I will enjoy being able to say things to her without others knowing what we are talking about as well as being able to show her that I'm interested in her.  Why would I ask her to do something (learn a new language) that I would not be willing to do myself?  IMHO, I consider it part of the sharing experience of marriage.

On another note, sometimes having a common language doesn't help.......

I had spent a lot of time working in Basingstoke, UK last year.  Its amazing how different even a common language can be.  One of my co-workers tried to tone down a joke by using "fanny" in place of a $ $.  In mixed company that didn't go over well.  The guys were in tears, the women pissed.

US and UK, two English speaking civilizations separated by a common language.

[Patrick]

... in response to Re: Language, posted by Jski on Nov 12, 2002

To see that some of you guys are going to the effort of learning your wife's language.  I think the "America, love it or leave it, English is the only language" guys are more likely to have problems in their marriages than those who are interested enough to try to learn their wife's language.

Without any language skills, you won't be able to communicate with your wife's family.  If you have children, your wife will most likely want them to be bilingual and you'll miss out on half the conversations.  Studying her language will give you an appreciation of the difficulty she faces in learning English (it isn't easy) and will allow you to help her more in the process.  Learning the language of the ladies you're interested in allows you to get to know them better before you have to make a very big decision.

I think those are all good reasons why someone should try to learn their wife's language. I can't think of any good reasons why someone should not.

[Apk1]

... in response to Refreshing, posted by Patrick on Nov 12, 2002

I have not made much of an effort to learn Russian by studying it, nonetheless I am picking up phrases and words all the time from my wife and stepson.

It is comical sometimes to see my stepson's reaction when he is complaining to his mother(in Russian) about something, and I answer him like I have understood every word...he knows I do not like for him to complain, or demand....for the first time in his life(8 y.o.) he is expected to take out the garbage, make his own bed, take a shower (at least every other day) and brush his teeth without being told to do so.
So when my wife notices he has not accomplished his required task, she tells him to do so....and thats when the complaining starts. I listen for a minute and ascertain the nature of his complaint (he only complains in Russian) and I come to my wife's rescue...and without fanfare I remind him what is expected of him....he will give me a deer in the headlights look...and complete his task without any more grumblings. I usually tell him as he walks away...I forgot to tell you that I learned Russian today!

My wife and I have a good laugh every time...  )
She likes that he is becoming more disciplined, it sure eliminates a lot of stress in our home..

[WmGo]

... in response to Refreshing, posted by Patrick on Nov 12, 2002

And not only that, a man who cannot speak the local language is dependent on others for doing most things. Being able to read and speak basic words and phrases (preferably more) makes for a more enjoyable traveling experience, and also impresses the natives. I cannot imagine traveling to *any* country for whatever reason and not knowing the basic 100 words and phrases.

2 Southern kopecs

[Pordzhik]

... in response to Re: Language, posted by Jski on Nov 12, 2002

It used to help my wife to watch TV with the subtitles turned on so she could read the words as she listened, lately she don't bother anymore with this when watching British TV, but when watching American made TV she still needs this and I am forever asked to translate and explain Americanisms for her.

[Zink]

... in response to Re: Language, posted by Jski on Nov 12, 2002

I don't ask anything from other people that I wouldn't do for them. I actually enjoy learning Russian. It isn't easy but it is interesting.

I had it explained to me once what "fanny" is in England. That wasn't a good way to tone it down! The English language gets stretched enough just in North America. I have trouble understanding Newfies and some of the dialects from the states.

[Quasimoto]

... in response to I agree, posted by Zink on Nov 12, 2002

Ok,

So how about an English lesson in English. What is fanny in English/English? If it is that bad, just email me.

Steve