The Biggest Newbie Mistake

[MarkInTx]

Since there are a couple of newbies posting now, asking for advice, I will give just two pieces of advice (and some of the other guys will probably chime in)

First, the BIGGEST mistake a newbie can make:

Go to Russia (or wherever) with a sense of urgency.

That's the biggest mistake you can make. I felt the same pressures when I went the first time. (We hear it all the time: "Sheesh... this is $2500, I don't want to do this again." ... or... "I can only afford to go over twice... once to meet her, once to propose. So I need to find a wife the first time." ... or... "I'm a single dad. My child needs a mom fast!" ... or ... whatever.)

This will almost guarantee you will make a mistake you will regret. You are going over to meet someone. Period. Drill that in your mind. Enjoy the journey. It is a different culture and a fascinating place that was, for a long time, forbidden to us. Have fun. Make it a tourist trip. See the sites. Remind yourself this one important thing:

You don't HAVE to get married.

Really... you don't. You might think you do... but you don't. That will help you relax, have a good time, and see her as she really is.

You will hear stories of guys who have found the one, and it sounds so easy. But with a few exceptions, none of us found the one the first time out. Almost all of us have made multiple trips over, and met several ladies.

So... relax.. and take your time. And as far as going over... get used to it. You're MARRYING someone from there. Don't you think you'll ever go back once she is here? Would you leave YOUR homeland, and never want to go back?

Second: BEST thing you can do... READ THE ARCHIVES! There is a lot of good stuff there compiled by a lot of guys who made big mistakes, and were man enough to admit them, and talk about them so we all can learn. You also will find advice from guys who have been supremely successful, and even some advice from Russian Women who read the board and comment from time to time.

We all are here to offer advice. But it is tough to listen to the same questions over and over again, especially when we know that the answer is in the archive for whoever wants to go look.

[Rags]

... in response to The Biggest Newbie Mistake, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 11, 2002

Thinking that you are going to "save" some lady from a terrible life of toil and misery. That this lady is going to fall into your arms so that you can wisk her away from her homeland/family/friends never to return.

Get real, the love and marriage process are no different on the other side of the globe than they are here. And if they do want "out at all cost" where do you think that will leave you in a couple of years when she desides that there are greener pastures elsewhere?

[BrianN]

... in response to The (second) Biggest Newbie Mistake, posted by Rags on Jun 12, 2002

On day 4 or something or another, Lena and I were at her brother Igor's dacha... we slept there that night.

Next morning, I find myself walking with Igor through dachaville.  (fwiw - it's NOT dasha, it's daTCHa).  Dachaville phase 1, 2, and what seemed like phase 3.  

At this point I realized that I was in love not just with Lena but with the country, her family, the life... of a russian.  It is so simple, but yet can be as complex as what we have here.

I felt totally powerless then... that morning after seeing the simple beauty of the hard work that had gone into these dachas.  These places would make a home depot "expert" speechless.

It was then that I finally understood that she doesn't need a saviour.  She doesn't want to come with me... she just wants to BE with me.  My only disappointment with this was that I know that I could not give her what she already has.

Disappointing that I look at what I have, and treasure more, what she does.

[Rags]

... in response to Sad..., posted by BrianN on Jun 12, 2002

[KenC]

... in response to The Biggest Newbie Mistake, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 11, 2002

Mark,
I agree that one should not go to Russia with an urgent desire to get married, but they should GO.  The sense of urgency is a good thing when it is used properly.  I mean that I have seen too many guys here that are reluctant to "pull the trigger" on just going to Russia.  When a guy finds one (two?)(three?) women that have the potential to become serious, he needs to get his arse on a plane.  No amount of research can be better than just being there.

I find it hard to believe that guys communicate for many months with a woman they claim to be interested in, and still do not go to visit her.  Lena and I spoke on the phone for a couple of months and I HAD to go meet her!  I did that without any intentions of marrying her (or anyone else).  I went to Russia with maybe a 10% chance of anything romantic evolving, in my mind.  But I had to meet the wonderful woman that I had gotten to know quite well over the phone.
Which brings up another baffling question I have: what on earth are people talking about that they don't get to know each other after a short while?  When Lena and I first met, we KNEW each other rather well.  Sure we had to see how the bodies matched up with the souls, but there were few surprises.  I would estimate that we had about 30 to 40 phone conversations.  That translates into about 25 to 30 hours of talking.  How can you NOT know someone after that amount of conversation?
When Lena and I met, it was like two old friends getting together.  It was VERY comfortable for both of us.  About an hour after our first meeting, we were interlocking arms and toasting champaign.  Now that, my friend, is the kind of thing you CAN'T do over the phone!
KenC

[Stevo]

... in response to a sense of urgency, posted by KenC on Jun 11, 2002

"When Lena and I met, it was like two old friends getting together. It was VERY comfortable for both of us. About an hour after our first meeting, we were interlocking arms and toasting champaign. Now that, my friend, is the kind of thing you CAN'T do over the phone!
KenC"

Same here.  Wrote many long letters over a 14-month period.  Got to know Natasha extremely well.  Felt like two old friends when we first met.  That's why it only took one day to get engaged!

Stevo

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Same here, posted by Stevo on Jun 11, 2002


Stevo,

One day, huh? Took me two... What can I say, I am conservative by nature...

[tfcrew]

... in response to Re: Same here, posted by MarkInTx on Jun 11, 2002

That woman wears this ring with pride and great expectation. Let us never let them down. Me? Never been happier
Karl

[MarkInTx]

... in response to a sense of urgency, posted by KenC on Jun 11, 2002


Yes... I almost said that the number one mistake was not going over at all... Because that hurts other men who are serious. The women are all well aware of the "letter writers" who never go.

I hope that in my trip report I get aross the idea that the trip is fun. Yes, a large reason that I ejoyed myself was that I was with Victoria... but the whole journey is exciting.

And, when you figure the costs, its not really that expensive.

Do you want to know how I afforded my trip to meet Victoria? Simple: I stop dating American women. Take a few months off from the dating scene, and suddenly you will find the $1000 for the plane ticket. It is astonishing how much money I was "wasting" on American women.

That is why so many men have decided to: "Just go over there... worry about meeting someone when you get there..."

Also... I agree with the "getting to know each other" syndrome. Victoria was everything I thought she would be... except that I had no concept of the depth of her passion. You are right... some things HAVE to be experienced there...

But I think that is partly a difference in approach. You spent hours talking to Lena.. I spent hours writing to Victoria... and intimacy will definitely grow in those circumstances.

The guys who want to simply make introductions, and then go over to meet, obviously still have to spend that time getting to know her. It just makes sense...