I think I have a problem

[Cordobes]

... in response to I think I have a problem, posted by terry on Mar 25, 2002

Hello Terry,

   Obviously I am no expert but I will give you my humble opinion about this with the intention of giving you another point of view.

   My first question would be if you have asked her "how many accounts do you have under your name" if she told you a number that is not the same as the one you find out about then she is a lier, but did you ask her this question ?    If you didn´t ask her I think she is not doing something wrong.

   I don´t know how to say this but for me it is a little strange that you have been in contact with this lady for 2 years and that you guys haven´t formalized your relation.  I am assuming that you guys have been together in several ocasion maybe you have visit her 4 or 5 times but for me 2 years is just too much time not to determined what is it that each one of you expects of the relation.    Again in my very humble and personal opinion I think that as far as you don´t completly formalized your relation with her your relation will not be solid enough and she will have the right to have as many accounts as she wants.

    I will see this as an isolated incident and make a recap of the good and bad things she represents to you and then take the decision.    I don´t want to sound like an idiot but there is an old saying that says that every time you are confused about a situation you should analized the problem with your head but decide with you heart.    What it is very clear in any relation is that with out respect things don´t work and if she is not respecting you and giving you a special place in her life then I see no future but if this was something that just make you feel uncomfortable or that make you feel second best maybe you should talk to her before finishing with a nice friendship.

    Obviously a good communication and mutual respect will always be the basic element of any relation.   But terry self respect is one of the basic elements of any man, we have to make others respect us and if they don´t respect us we don´t need them in our lifes.   I honestly think that nobody is indispensable and that we can choose the kind of people that we want around us so again if I were you I will ask her if she is capable of respecting your integrity as a man and if she will respect you 100 % of the time because what I see about this AM - RW   relations is that they are one sided and when a guy do so many things for the girl he loves it is natural to expect a little love and respect in return and when your lady dissapoints you it can really hurts.   because of this is that I think it is very important that you determined the kind of relation there is between both of you.

    Terry I am 29 and ended up with a lady from St, Petersburg almost by accident.    I had a girl friend at the time I meet her but my heart just told me that this lady was special and she really is.   So I finished my relation with the other girl and a few months later started a new relation with this Russian Lady.    In our case I was not desperate looking for a girl and she was not looking for a guy so when we started dating each other the first thing we make very clear to each other was that this relation was going to be very dificult because we are going to be half the world appart from each other and that we had no necesity to complicate ourselfs like this because both of us could date almost anyone we want back home si we understand that this relation had to be very special or it won´t last and it can not be a one sided relation because I will forget about her in 10 seconds so we decided to make the wish of having something special in our lifes and everyday we fight for this and with out been clear to each other about what we expect of the relation and without mutual respect our relation would be nothing close to special.

    I hope you take the right decision Terry and please remember that the bottom line is to find a lady that makes you feel special.   Take care and please have a nice week.  

[Mike]

... in response to I think I have a problem, posted by terry on Mar 25, 2002

Some girls are just hooked on the internet thing and have fun with it, and some are just down right scammers. Whats your gut tell you? I'm married to one and from what I've learned, if she is saying the I love you stuff then that too would be a red flag. Typically it takes them a very long time to say these words with any meaning behind them, and some of them never say it, it is more important to show it then say it. From what my wife says these words are very very powerful and isn't used unless there is something there more then words could describe and usually that takes a longgggggg time of being together and proving all the many little things that are important in a relationship. Which isn't done 5 or 6 thousand miles away from each other.
Mike

[terry]

... in response to Re: I think I have a problem, posted by Mike on Mar 25, 2002

Mike , I think it is a little of both, she is playing onthe internet, but when she can get money from someone , she gets it. I have give her some. no big deal. I never ask her if she was writing ot other guys, she is the one that would tell me  that I was the only one she wanted to write to.  If i wrote to another lady, I allways told her that I wrote to _____ in .  she did not like it, but now I see it was just a part of the game she is playing.

[Richard]

... in response to Re: Re: I think I have a problem, posted by terry on Mar 26, 2002

Have you considered that she seems to be willing to commit to you, but you seem to be unwilling to commit to her? (At least you seem to be willing to commit at this time.) Perhaps she is tired of waiting for you and has decided to move on?  In other words, it is not (or was not) part of a "game" for her - she wants a commitment and has concluded that she will not get one from you.

You sent a strong message when she tells you that you are the only one she wants to write to and you tell her about the other women that you are writing.

[terry]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: I think I have a problem, posted by Richard on Mar 26, 2002

You are right Richard in that up into a few weeks ago, i had not make any commitment to her. and she may have decided to move on. But she is not saying that. Ihave got an E-mail from her allready this morning wanting to talk to me about our furture.  You know , I really do not think that  any of these others she is writing mean anything to her. the point is , now, she was not honest with me.  I do need to go see life over there. she keeps telling me  that I do not understand their way of life and that is why this is such a big deal to me. My thinking is, if she is not being honest about one thing, is there other things she is not being honest about. that is a lot of money to put into going to see one lady just to see what she is being honest about. so, may see her anyway, but i think I will see others while I am there also.

 Right now, it is her that keeps mailing me and asking me to forgive her and she stills wants to be with me and only me. how do you understand that. I will admit, there has been times over the last two years that I have not been very nice at times to her. not mean or anything like that. But she still keeps writing me and telling me how much she cares about me.  Just not normal to me.

[Richard]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: I think I have a problem, posted by terry on Mar 26, 2002

As I remember it, this woman started out as your translater.  This put her in a position to get to know you as she interpreted for you and the women you met.  These other women would have asked so many questions about you that she would get to know a lot about you.  

My guess is that, over time, she became quite attracted to you and developed some strong feelings for you.  Given that she is / has been helping her friends meet someone, she has met many men and has found no one that, in her opinion, is as good as you.

Given that you are looking for someone special, and she has become attracted to you, she has been hoping that you will develop similar feelings.  For reasons known only to her at this point, she seems to have decided to become more open to other opportunities.

That is my best guess.

Best wishes,
RIchard