A story, any thoughts?

[Philb]

I posted a brief synopsis of my recent trip to Siberia a week or so ago.  At the time I
thought things were looking good for the 2 of us and I planned to return there in June at
which time I intended to formally propose and begin the Visa process.  I had been very
upfront with Tatyana concerning my intentions.  Yesterday something occured that
makes me doubt that I will be returning to see Tatyana.  Here breifly is the story.

I spent the month of August and 3 weeks this past January/February in Russia with
Tatyana.  She was affectionate, patient, kind.  We got along well and as I said we were
planning our future together.

Yesterday, I was wasting a bit of time on the internet playing with one of the search
engines.  I did a search using my own name and email address and turned up the usual
links to posts I had made here and there etc..

I then did a search with Tatyana’s name and email address.  I turned up a personal ad on
dating.ru.  This ad was posted quite some time ago and utilized pictures of her that were
taken during our time together this past August.

There was also a second site with a personal ad.  It was all in Russian.  I ran it through an
online translator and found that the ad was posted on feb 13.  This is one week after I left
Russia.  In fact on this very day I received a letter from her in which she professes her
love for me and talks about what an important decision coming to America will be for
her.

I sent her an email asking her about the first ad on dating ru.  I have not mentioned the
second ad yet. I am waiting for her response.

I never saw any red flags (maybe I missed them but I don’t think so).  No dissapearances
asking for money etc. We were/are in daily contact via email and weekly phone calls.

Thoughts anyone?

[BrianN]

... in response to A story, any thoughts?, posted by Philb on Mar 2, 2002

I think this deserves at least an honorable mention (repeat) from a below thread:

Bubba said it...

We can talk about how the RW/UW should love us for who we are but love will have to come in time. I want to be the husband they were looking for and not the husband they had to accept.

[BarryM]

... in response to A story, any thoughts?, posted by Philb on Mar 2, 2002

After reading your post and some of the responses, I think I know what I would do. First of all, I would wait a couple of weeks and check to see if the ad keeps getting refreshed. Don't jump to conclusions just yet, wait a while and think things out. Also do more searches and see if you find any more ads on Russian singles sites or on agencies sites. Especially look for more recent photos, ones that she hasn't posted before but may have sent to you. You have 3 solid months to investigate and you should be able to find out what you need to know in at least a month.

Now, if you are formally engaged with her, or have agreed to a commitment with her for engagement, you should dump her. It is possible that she wants to have a few flings in the sack before she decides in her mind to commit to you. For some guys, it's not that big a deal, for me, that would be a deal breaker.

After some investigation, I would confront her with the ad and any other research you came up with. Then I would dump her and make plans for the June trip to meet some new women. The sad thing is, how can you believe any BS story she is going to give you? The only way to resolve this in my mind is to put her status back to uncommitted and let her make a sincere effort to win you back. I would play hardball about it though. She got caught and her insincerity means that she may be playing you for a visa. She could do two things, walk away in guilt and shame, or try to win you back. If she is playing you for a visa, most likely she will try to find an easier "john" to hustle and therefore walk away. Don't be surprised if she gets angry and says a few choice words to you.

Just remember that there are plenty more women who are sincere and available. You should be choosy since you are making a big commitment and you deserve an equal partner in life, not a women who will cause you grief by her misconduct.

-blm

[juio99]

... in response to A story, any thoughts?, posted by Philb on Mar 2, 2002

I believe that both man and woman should keep all options open until formal engagement.  This lady is just being practical and doesn't want to face the down time that would occur if you and she do not work out.  You should be looking at multiple women and she should be looking at multiple men until engagement time.

[Rod]

... in response to A story, any thoughts?, posted by Philb on Mar 2, 2002

Philb,
   It is always so easy to just sit here and tell others what they should do but it is hard when it is pappening to you.
   The only possible reason for anyone to run an ad on a dating service is to meet someone.
   I think she is using you for backup and you will be gone when she finds what in her mind is better.
   I would dump her. There are just too many good women out there for you to be worrying and having to 'test' her.

                       Good Luck,
                          Rod

[Natalya]

... in response to A story, any thoughts?, posted by Philb on Mar 2, 2002

Don't want to dissapoint you but it doesn't look good to me. The biggest question I have why did she put her personal ad on Russian sites.If she was interested in meeting AM than logically she'd put her ad on one of those sites dedicating to meeting AM.The fact she put personal on Dating.ru tells me she wants to meet any man and this doesn't look good.I'm not sure what is she doing for living or she just looking for guy to have some fun but the bottom line something is wrong in here.

[greg2]

... in response to A story, any thoughts?, posted by Philb on Mar 2, 2002

this does not sound good but, she still could be a woman that could be a good wife to you. However, with this big red flag you have to respond with a test just like Den suggested.

I would be willing to respond to your ladies ad and try to get her attention. I can be anything you want. We can discuss it via e-mail. You have to do this. Too bad you already let her know about the one ad - just do not reveal any more cards to her. Do not. Do not. If you do------------------------ she may figure out she is being tested and thus it will be worthless.

There is too much at stake here. If she is honest she will not fail resonable tests.

[BrianN]

... in response to Phlib - ----, posted by greg2 on Mar 2, 2002

A guy goes to visit thousands of miles away, (not once, but twice), spends a LOT of time with her and her family exclusively...  and this is what he gets?  Either, she is spoiled, or she wasn't really interested in the first place. (after all, she spent her first 12 years in japan and then attended english school in russia later...)

There should be some reasonable standards applied here.  Phil didn't go over to date 3-4 women, he went with specific intentions, and the girl knew it.  She doesn't need a third party test, she needs to be truthful with Phil.  Her cards are already on the table.

She obviously wasn't truthful with him, (or was afraid to be), and what he's seeing now, is the proof of it.  Posting new pics and profiles after he's visited, is simply the axe in the casket so to speak.

Think about it... if you dated a woman, and THEN updated YOUR profile with new pics, then what would be YOUR real intentions with the woman you dated in the first place?

Time to clean house imo, and dump the dirty laundry....

just an opinion.

[thesearch]

... in response to I think she's already failed reasonable ..., posted by BrianN on Mar 3, 2002

to allow him to go to all this expense, effort and time when she is not serious (he is just a possible backup plan) is a real deficit in character. If all is correct as you suggest, she is a real slim ball - worse than most AW I have ever met.

[DE]

... in response to I think she's already failed reasonable ..., posted by BrianN on Mar 3, 2002

have to agree.  Why risk it?  Sure a lot has already been invested, but less now then what will be eventually if you bring her over.  Why risk a later attempt to upgrade on her part once she is here?  IMHO, she's still searching and that ain't good news cause it will be a whole lot easier once she is here.  Use the big head on this one and find one more committed to YOU.

[RickM]

... in response to A story, any thoughts?, posted by Philb on Mar 2, 2002

Hey Phil,
Geeezzz!!!! You gotta get that straightened out.That SOcks "big-time"...
I got your e-mail.I'll reply soon.
Good luck...Maybe it's only someone screwing around...But...How did they get "her" address

[BrianN]

... in response to A story, any thoughts?, posted by Philb on Mar 2, 2002

Sorry to bring up the past, but one particular thing that I noticed that seemed to show extreme disrespect for you being there, was in your last trip report....  

"............ I bent over to remove my boots and the next thing that occurs is Tatyana drops her coat on top of my head ( her aunt did not see this). Later, when we were alone I told Tatyana that I thought that this showed a lack of respect on her part. She responded to me that when I attended to my own needs (taking of myboots) before I saw to her's (helping her with her coat) I was being disrespectful to her particularly in her Aunt's presence. Her exact words were "this is treating me like a girlfriend and not a woman you care about".

I had my interpreter read it and here's what she responded last saturday:

I dislike behavior of that woman, I guess she wants to be put on a pedestal and probably she would abuse him always... Believe me, such a bahavior is NOT typical for Russian women.... even though we also have some spoiled, self-important, histerical women here :-). Forgive me for my frankness, but maybe that guy is just kind of since he lets her behave herself this way with him as if he is her slave ... I would only accept it, if that was kind of a joke from her, but if it was seriously... :-
-----------------------

Personally, if my lady had done that in all seriousness, then she would have been apologizing to me, not the other way around.

Then again, if Tatyana doesn't think you're serious enough about the whole thing, (don't recall how long you've been seeing her, but it seems like quite a while anyway), she just may not give a @#$^.  

Ya never know.  Have you ever thought that you might have been letting her lead you around on a leash - and never realized it?

(I've found myself in this same situation in years past with AW).

Oh well, just some food for thought.

[Den]

... in response to A story, any thoughts?, posted by Philb on Mar 2, 2002

Give her the acid test. Have a friend, or youself using a different identity and email address respond to her adds. Make the new guy richer, smarter, taller and better looking than yourself. I know the last part is a tall order. Then see what develops.

[Bobby Orr]

... in response to Re: A story, any thoughts?, posted by Den on Mar 2, 2002

Could not have said it better myself.

[Mike]

... in response to I like it, posted by Bobby Orr on Mar 2, 2002

She may just be having fun with the internet ?? This posting and answering ads can be intertaining ?? Well it's possible and I've heard of it being done here by women just for kicks, or she could possibly be wanting to go forward with her search until you do more then have a good time with her on your visits?? BUT I would think to myself " is this girl someone I  trust? If you were a blind man does she still attract you ? I suggest a test but in order for it to prove anything you must make her think that you are too busy to fly there, or you get air sick, or anything that will get her to say to your fake e-mail that she will be coming to America and then take it a little further and see how seriouse she is about really wanting to meet this new prince. Maybe see if she'll give out her number there and where she'll be living once here. Be slow and creative. In the mean time have her get prepaired for her visa by getting a police report, photos taken, and stuff like that,have her start the k-1 process and send you the things you need to submit, if anything you can have the satisfaction of knowing she watched her dreams go up in smoke.
Mike