Abuse?

[missisG]

My friend that came here about a year ago, is being abused by her husband. There is some physical abuse, but also emotional type, when he calls her names and neglects her. She feels down, depressed and "on the egde". I don't know whom else to ask, please help with the advise if you have any. Thanks in advance
msG

[BubbaGump]

... in response to Abuse?, posted by missisG on Mar 5, 2002

Hate to be such a jerk but you slipped this post in after midnight Mountain time.

Why would a Russian woman come here and ask us this question rather than post on a Russian woman forum?  

Why not just call the police or some community women's abuse hotline?  

Where do you and your friend live?  

I just have a suspicious nature.

[missisG]

... in response to Is this post legitimate?, posted by BubbaGump on Mar 5, 2002

I wouldn't call the police, their married life is noones business after all, and nobody needs any police records, would you call the police if you thought that your neighbors were fighting? Where is a Russian woman forum? I would be happy to converse. As come to the time of post, is there a curfew for posting? lol had to do a spell check on this one and still not sure:-)

[Jack]

... in response to Is this post legitimate?, posted by BubbaGump on Mar 5, 2002

And I agree with you and thought the same when I first read it  (feel the same about cinderella also).

[Quasimoto]

... in response to Abuse?, posted by missisG on Mar 5, 2002

MissisG,

I was an abuse counselor for 14 years. I can guide you to specific agencies, including those dedicated to immigrant women. In my opinion, her situation is not going to be aided by counceling. I believe he is a batterer! Abuser! And nothing will change him. Abuse is a "Character" disorder. Character disorders can not be changed or fixed. A rapist has a Character disorder also, but simply expresses it differently. Her ignorance of domestic laws and processes was seen as a sign of vulnerability by this jerk. He saw her as an easy victim. Please reference the links below for some specific information for immigrant women. You can email me if you like.

http://endabuse.org/programs/immigrant/
http://endabuse.org/programs/display.php3?DocID=117

[Den]

... in response to Re: Abuse?, posted by Quasimoto on Mar 5, 2002

I think it is strange that an "abuse counslor?" with 14 years experience can diagnose someone as having a "character disorder" and have tried and convicted him based strictly on second-hand hearsay evidence. Only in domestic violence case can this happen. And it does happen. It can happen to anyone who marries a woman from the FSU, or from anywhere for that matter. It just seems to be more prevelant with FSU women. It could happen to you. It could happen to me. All the woman has to do is yell, "DV" and you are in jail with no one, except your lawyer, willing to listen to you. And if he doesn't get paid, even he won't listen to you.

[Quasimoto]

... in response to Re: Re: Abuse?, posted by Den on Mar 6, 2002

In my opinion there are two extremes here. One is not just a "tool of revenge for RWs, it is also a weapon used by AWs. I have seen many cases where AW claim sexual abuse of children just to get their way in divorce court, or as revenge against the completely innocent husband.

What I will say is this: Rapists, abusers, alcoholics, anyone with adictive behavior of this nature has a "character disorder". It can not be cured! There is a 95% recidivism rate among rapists. None are cured. But 5% control their behavior out of fear of punishment. The other 95% rape again. These are not seminar stats, they are from the director of the Washington State Prison for sex crimes in, I think, Ellensburg (not sure now). Abusers are exactly the same way, with exactly the same stats for rehabilitation. In fact there is no rehabilitation, on socialization of 5% of the offenders. I feel sorry for the falsely accused. But the truth is I have also had first hand knowledge of RWs who were and are being physically abused, and esentially being held a prisoner by their "loving" spouses. Neither of these two women is willing to do anything about it, out of fear, and fear of deportation.

Steve

[missisG]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Abuse?, posted by Quasimoto on Mar 7, 2002

This girl doesn't drive, doesn't know how to use yellow pages, doesn't have any access to any cash and even if she wanted to leave, she wouldn't be able to go to the airport and get on the plane. Her family wouldn't accept her back.
The husband is not an alcoholic but a big time dope smoker.
She doesn't have any money to go to a doctor to show her bruises and of course no money to proove anything after all.
She speaks very poor English. It's ugly but what could someone do?
My own marriage is alright, thank God, but sometimes I'm scared

[Mike]

... in response to not just fear of deportation, posted by missisG on Mar 7, 2002

Well if she screams he's a big pot smoker they will see him as someone that breaks the law, now if he was a big time drinker then they would understand the possibility of violence sense most people know that pot decreases a person violent nature. Of course if you use the term dope to mean Crack cocain then yes that is known for making people aggressive.

"She doesn't have any money to go to a doctor to show her bruises and of course no money to proove anything after all.

She only needs to walk to a church and show a priest her bruses and he'll figure out what to do next for her, like sending her to a shelter. She needn't be able to speak good English to get help. If she needs help it is out there even if she can't talk at all!
Mike

[Quasimoto]

... in response to not just fear of deportation, posted by missisG on Mar 7, 2002

MissisG,

You posted here that sometimes you are afraid. I must tell you that abusive men show their colors and intentions very early. Sometimes during the honeymoon. Usually within two months of marriage. Of course some men abuse as soon as they feel a secure bond, and have the woman under their control. If your husband has shown no real signs of unreasonable control, anger, or violence, then do not look for it. You are probably worrying about something that is never going to happen. So why ruin your life and happiness?

Steve

[missisG]

... in response to Re: Abuse?, posted by Quasimoto on Mar 5, 2002

n/t

[John K]

... in response to Abuse?, posted by missisG on Mar 5, 2002

It could be of two benefits.  First, if she can convince her husband to go, they might work out their issues.  Second, if she goes but he doesn't, I would imagine that it would make marks for her in any divorce proceding.

Either way, she should find a way to talk to both a divorce lawyer and an immigration lawyer before she attempts anything.  Have her pay cash, as it isn't easy to trace it then...

[Mike]

... in response to She might try marriage counselling..., posted by John K on Mar 5, 2002

N/T

[Mike]

... in response to Abuse?, posted by missisG on Mar 5, 2002

She should dial 911 if he harms her physically. If he doesn't have any proof of this then she can't claim abuse. If he no longer harms her like this, and she is simply unhappy, well it's her bed she made and she must lay in it until she recieves her conditional green card. Once she recieves this she can file for divorce and have her conditional statis removed as long as she entered the marriage in good faith. The INS could care less if she gets a divorce until the time comes to remove the conditional statis ( 3 months prior to the 2 years after receiving the condional card), and then and only then is she to send them a copy of her divorce and stating that the marriage just didn't work out. Durring this waiting period of filing for divorce she needs to learn how to live on her own, learn to drive, get a job, and establish credit. If she tries to take this man to the cleaners durring her divorce anything can happen! She could have a fatal accident, he could out smart her and leave her with nothing, and basically she'll be a poor homeless women if the man is smart enough to have all his assets put in a trust, or the many other loop-hole that are out there to protect ones assets. Each state is different on marrital asset laws.
Mike

[missisG]

... in response to Re: Abuse?, posted by Mike on Mar 5, 2002

I just thought about it, if she calls 911 and he gets arrested, he goes to jail for 2-3 days, he has no friends to bail him out, eventually he will get out and then beat the s**t out of her, or if she calls 911 again, he will loose his job and they both will be homeless. With all these bails and fines he will go broke, he is already hurting for money. He doesn't want her to work (controlling thing) so where would she go, concidering that she doesn't want to leave the country?
Here goes again, if she calls the police, there will be a court, but she has no way to get there, and even doesn't speak English to represent herself in court nor has any money to hire an attorney. It's a catch 22, go figure.