Last minute jitters...

[ChipShot]

I am just weeks away from my trip to SVO, and the lady I have been writing has not written me back yet...you might remember that I was honest with her..I told her i am coming to see her, which is true..I wouldn't be coming but for to see her. But, I also have a plan B and C, in the event she doesn't care for me or vice versa. There's a lady in another city that I've written a few times, and she seems nice. If I'm going to travel 4000 miles, it seems I should be honest and say I need to accomplish this task of visiting more than one girl....such a dilemma!!

I feel kinda crummy that I told her about possibly seeing others on my trip. I wonder if she felt that I was her one and only, and now I look like a jerk. She's attractive, and I have to believe that I'm not the first guy to write her...

These LDR's do create a level of paranoia..maybe healthy paranoia...I may land at SVO, and she won't be there...I'll then have a few days to twiddle my thumbs...

[SteveM]

... in response to Last minute jitters..., posted by ChipShot on Feb 7, 2002

Chip,

My opinion should probably be discounted because I never went hunting for a Russian wife.  I simply met a Russian woman online; we got close; I came to see only her; we met at SVO; fell in love; got the K-1/K-2; got married; and have been living an increasingly happy life together for the past 16 months.  I can't tell you anything about the correct "strategy", because I never had one.

BUT...

I don't know whether you follow the Russian Women List listserve, but there is a guy on there who has corresponded with over 2,500 women (US and Russia) and met with at least 150.  If "playing the percentages" always worked, he would have 16 wives by now.

So, everyone, and everyone's prospective fiancee, is different.  Yours simply may be the romantic type, who was hoping that you and her were a magical match made in heaven.  Others with a more competitive nature may be happier knowing that they won a contest with several entrants.

Which type are you?  Would you be happier if your prospective fiancee was seeing several Americans before deciding, or was only interested in you?

BTW, most of the Russian women I have met through my wife fall into the latter category.  One did correspond with more than one American man, but as a result of the well-understood prospect that many who write never make the trip over.  I don't know any who tried the "Let's have 3 of them over, then choose" approach.

One of the greatest features of my wife is her deeply ingrained romantic nature--not just about relationships, but about everything in life.  With that comes jealousy (which is getting better over time) and the certainty that if I had been going over to Russia to meet several prospects, she never would have been interested in meeting me at all.

Yes, I could have been left standing alone at the airport.  But when I look into my wife's eyes at night and say "you are the only one for me", it is the truth.  Somehow "you ranked highest out of the 12 prospects I met" wouldn't sound quite the same to me...

Steve M.

[ChipShot]

... in response to A Long Reply and a Quick Question, posted by SteveM on Feb 8, 2002

I agree with you. A year ago, I fell in love..sort of. She and I wrote each other, shared thoughts, dreams. I flew to FSU, spent two weeks with her. At end of two weeks, She told me some new details. It changed the relationship. I left, feeling confused. My one and only did not work out. Now, feeling wiser, I plan to see a few ladies.

The disappointment of trip one has fueled my impulse to see more than the lady thta I'm writing. I just don't want to travel so far, and roll the dice, on one lady. Maybe my bad expereince on trip one has already ruined trip two, yet to be taken. MY lady still hasn't written back, after I told her I might see others in her city, only for coffee. Sometimes, being honest doesn't always work out. But, if she doesn't want to see me because of this, it might be a sign that she's not patient or understanding. Or, it's a sign I'm an idiot for saying anything...

[micha1]

... in response to Last minute jitters..., posted by ChipShot on Feb 7, 2002

After having slept on it,  please let me say this.
Write to her, tell her to be at the airport.  No more,  just so you two can have a good talk.
You do have honesty on your side, she has to understand that, if she doesn't, you did yourself a favor by telling her
about your agenda.
Perhaps she expected too much from an exchange of messages,  but even if she is a dreamer (such as we all are)
sanity has to take over at one time or another.
How can she fall in love and you for that matter, with a person you have never met face to face.  The both of you
can, legitimetely, have high hopes and dreams.
But with high hopes,  dreams and one dollar, you will get a coffee at a diner.
It is my opinion, that because you are honest you became very smart.
It will be the great test, exam about compatibility between you two.  The first hurdle, if the both of you can't jump
over it hand in hand, no use going any further, so you  saved yourself a lot of hardship for the future.
Think about that if you had not told her about plan B and C, and that everything went so well (because the both
of you would have been on your best behavior) that you got married eventually.  She would still have these
traits in her character,  the sh1t would have at one time or another to hit the fan.  Then you surely would have
something to post about, with a crying towel close by.

What follow, I am hundred percent sure of.            Honest people have a tendency to trust and believe that others
are honest.   Dishonest people tend to believe that everybody is dishonest.
There is no but, if and in between.  

[Mike]

... in response to Last minute jitters..., posted by ChipShot on Feb 7, 2002

Chipshot,
write me and let me know your itenerary. I may be able to help you if you're stuck twiddleing your thumbs for a day or two. My cousin is in the air to SVO as I'm writing this and he has a few ladies to meet and I provided him with some options for those days he had an empty schedual.
Mike

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Last minute jitters..., posted by ChipShot on Feb 7, 2002

Millions of guys writing...

are not worth one who is actually coming over.

If she is smart at all, she will realize this...

BUT... DO NOT write emails begging her to "at least email me and tell me you are OK" or some pathetic, typical AM response.

Be a man.

If you haven't heard from her and want to write her one last time, the tone should be one of being slightly pissed off. Tell her that if she expects you to see her that you need an answer. And that if she doesn't want to see you anymore, that was her choice, but you think she's making a mistake.

DO NOT WHINE for attention.

AW's have taught us the behavior... but RW will be disgusted if you turn into a whiney sycophant.

[BrianN]

... in response to Last minute jitters..., posted by ChipShot on Feb 7, 2002

it just doesn't work.  Either you're with this girl you've been writing, one on one, or you're out of it, with your primary game being looking for love and an honest relationship from whatever just pops up.

You're young enough to break a lot of women's hearts.  Be careful.

Best of luck.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to You can't play both sides Chipper...., posted by BrianN on Feb 7, 2002

He can certainly go and expect to meet more than one lady.

It all depends on how he has framed his trip. If he's saying "My Darling, I cannot wait to see you, I just know you are the woman I have been dreaming of!" ... then, yes, he has committed to her.

But if he is simply being cordial in his letters, and says he is coming and he would like to meet her... he can say that he is going to also visit one other woman.

That's fair. The woman may not like it. But she'll understand it. Who can know if they will have any attraction when they actually meet?

I was writing a lady, and when this discussion came up, she said "Thanks but no thanks. I do not want to be part of a parade of brides!"

I wrote her back saying that I understood. And I can see why she would feel that way. But, it was not how I viewed it, and I would hope she would let me explain.

Then I told her about my trip to see Maria in St. Petersburg. And how I was sure, when writing letters, that she was the one. It was not until we actually met and talked that I knew that she was not the one for me. "A thousand letters cannot replace one meeting."

I told her.. suppose we meet, and you decide that I am not the person you thought I was, and you would rather not date me? Then what? You will feel honor bound to escort me around Odessa, all the while thinking you had better things to do.

We don't want that. So, let us not put too much pressure on our meeting. If it is meant to be, I believe we will know it when we first see each other. And then, no one else will matter.

She thought about it, and wrote me back saying, of course, I was right. We could meet. Why not? (The famous Russian phrase!)

But she thought that we should not get too intimate or personal in our letters then.

(Which, by the way, is EXCELLENT advice.)

I agreed, and the correspondence resumed.

So, depending on how you set expectations, I do not think it is dishonorable at all. And I think it is wise and prudent.

[BrianN]

... in response to Not a question of playing both sides, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

This guy, has carried on a relationship with a woman, and based on what he's telling here, it's a one on one relationship thing.

He got scared because of the usual issues.

Of course, he has EVERY RIGHT TO DO WHAT HE WANTS, but he's the one that posted his dilemna with THIS WOMAN on this board.

He helped to create a situation that has the potential to hurt two people, him an her.  Obviously, by her not responding or sending an email, she is definitely hurt by it.

Ok, So, let's all pat him on the back, and say the hell with THAT WOMAN, JUST "go have fun".

Who's lost here?  Her or him?... or both?

It sounds like most would think that the women (no matter where they come from), in this instance are worth crap, and the man's trip report and ego are the most important thing thriving on this board.  

Take some time to evaluate how much you're going to mess up another persons life before you embark on such a venture.  This U.S. male egotism crap is for the birds, and losers.

Step up to the plate, and take charge of yourself.

Just my opinion.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Full of it... or just confused you must ..., posted by BrianN on Feb 8, 2002

OK, I'll plead ignorance.

I haven't been following the ChipShot saga. That's why I prefaced it with: "As long as he hasn't been saying THIS..."

I guess my advice would be, in general, don't fall in love with a picture and a letter.

If you've already done that.. Ooops. Can't help you.

Of course, Ken will pipe up and say: "It worked for me!"

And so it did. I just think that statistically, its not your best approach.

But, you know what... I haven't found anyone yet, so whadaIknow?

Course, I've heard stories of guys who got hooked up at a social, and they swear by them. Then there is good ol' Mdante who went over, found the first blonde he could, and had her pay her own fare back to the states and accomplished his whole thing in about $2000.

But, as Damon Runyun once put it:

"The battle does not always go to the strong, and the race  does not always go to the swift... But that's the way to bet."

So, I prefer to play the percentages...

[BrianN]

... in response to confused you must be --sounds like Yoda ..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

if a guy starts up a relationship with another woman, be it email, telephone, or snail-mail, then it is what it stands on, as it's own, "a relationship".

If then, there are Options for said guy to go looking around instead of being determinate in his original objective, (with said woman), then that must be the issue that is the most forefront in his travels.

Playing with a lady's head, or anyone's for that matter, is a dangerous thing to do.  Why did he post his concerns in the first place?

It's because he blew it to hell without any kind of commitment on his own part.

Either make a commitment, or get the hell out of the cesspool.  Wanna go over and do some door knocking, then do it.  Wanna go visit one woman?  Do it.  Want to have backups in case the worst situation happens?  Do it.  Just keep it to yourself.  100 percent honesty will only screw your dreams (and options) to hell in this instance.

Nothing against you Mark.  I'm just a little sick of the back slapping that goes on to cheer a guy on, when someone else has obviously been offended, or hurt, by a simple misunderstanding that could have been resolve much earlier on.

OH Yeah... the hell with her.. lets just go find us a wife, after all, its all about us ain't it?

There's two sides to everything.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Not playing any favorites..., posted by BrianN on Feb 8, 2002


Again... dunno what Chip did or didn't say.

Also agree that these women have feelings, too.

However, you must agree that as Bill put it so well: "We're pearl divers who can only hold our breaths for so long while searching for that gem..."

So, it is reasonable to see more than one woman. If you have said that you wouldn't... or implied that you wouldn't... then you should stick with that.

But if you are up front and honest, and the woman can't deal with that, then you should move on. Back-slapping or no... you SHOULD move on.

You can only hold your breath for so long...

[Stevo]

... in response to Last minute jitters..., posted by ChipShot on Feb 7, 2002

...ladies that I planned on meeting at the Anastasia socials I was going to attend (Fr/Sa/Su).

I told the lady I had been writing to that I would be arriving in Moscow on Thursday (mistake #1) and that I was travelling with a tourist company (mistake #2) since I didn't want to travel by myself the first time to Russia.

I said I would have jet lag, so don't meet me at the airport and that after doing some 'touring' with the group (Anastasia), I would meet her on Monday morning.

Well, mistake #1 meant that I had to cover up my plans for the weekend (the socials).  But mistake #2 was NOT a good cover up...it turns out she knew all about the Anastasia socials and had been to one in the past.

So all weekend long all she was alternately really PO'd and really worried.  She told her friends that she was not going to even show up on Monday...just leave me hanging.  Of course they tried to talk her out of that since we HAD been corresponding for some time.  She also thought about just showing up at one of the socials...which would have been an unmitigated disaster as you can well imagine.  Particularly since I didn't even recognize her when we finally did meet in person on Monday.

So, in hindsight, I should have just told her I was arriving on Sunday evening instead and all problems could have been avoided.

Live and learn.

Stevo

[BubbaGump]

... in response to When I visited Moscow I had backups, but..., posted by Stevo on Feb 7, 2002

So far I've been going on one guys opinion that he hated them.  I was wondering if they're well run.  To a quiet guy like me, socials are torture.

[Stevo]

... in response to How did you like Anastasia socials?, posted by BubbaGump on Feb 8, 2002

at the Anastasia socials.  At the time I went (Oct 99) I had no complaints.  I met several interesting/beautiful ladies whom I considered good backup candidates had things not worked out with my lady.  They were worth it for me.

One reason was that they got me use to talking to RW and the communication problems, and helped me get over my nervousness before I met my lady on Monday (I hadn't been on a date of any kind for more than 10 years, so I was learning to 'ride a bike' again, so to speak).

Stevo