Response to SteveM's re: "The One"

[BarryM]

... in response to Doesn't make sense to YOU Oksana, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

The 1960's created a culture of rebellion that changed a lot of peoples perceptions of society. The 1960's generation would deny this, but it was the most self-indulgent, hypocritical, and self destructive period socially that the world has ever experienced. They abandoned the legacy that the WWII and depression generation had given them for their own greed. We are still suffering the cancers of that generation.

-blm

[BubbaGump]

... in response to I have the same experience with MM, posted by BarryM on Feb 9, 2002

...only in America.  

Heard that sad tale many times before with older women waiting too long to have children.  I had one girlfriend that I really got along well with and I wanted to marry her but she had gotten to the point where she wanted to keep going with her career and forget about kids.  Some of these Russian women look like they waited too long to have kids too.

[Oksana]

... in response to Wart hogs with attitude...., posted by BubbaGump on Feb 9, 2002

This is just my opinion, and I am more comfortable with my plans then with theirs! It wouldn't bother her( your girlfriend) to have kids if she is strong enough. But i don't know, never mind.....

[BrianN]

... in response to You too?, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

AND I'LL TELL ALL OF THEM TO GO TO HELL!  THEY WANNA CHASE THE FAST DREAMY LIFESTYLE AND FORGET THE FAMILY OF IT ALL!!!!

CALL ME A LOSER?? BUT THEY WANTED KIDS AND A HOUSE AND YET IN THEIR MANIC DEPRESSION THEY CAN'T FIND STRENGTH OR PATIENCE TO FIGURE IT OUT IN THE LONG RUN.. SO THEY RUN ANYWAY FOR THE THRILL OF IT ALL???

THAT'S WHAT BEING MARRIED IS ALL ABOUT... WORKING IT OUT BECAUSE THERE IS A COMMITMENT.

Oh... well...

Maybe I'm just confused and lost in it all...

[Oksana]

... in response to YEAH, Give ME a moment to VENT!!, posted by BrianN on Feb 9, 2002

This is just attitude about the marriage, people get married because they love spending time together, because they trust each other, because they want to give the best of themselfs to each other because they want to have strong feelings in joy and sorrow!! If I would have attitude to the marriage like to the something bad.... i would never get married! I would never take advantage of marriage and never let anybody to do it either toward to me!!! I would use different way if i would want something else, and ONLY I would work on it. But to hurt a person... God sees everything anyway, early or late you can get punished anyway, so it is better and SMARTER be honest with youself and your partner!!!!!
Yes, you are confused!!:))))But not lost!

[MarkInTx]

... in response to YEAH, Give ME a moment to VENT!!, posted by BrianN on Feb 9, 2002

Sheesh Brian...

Don't hold back now...

Tell us how you REALLY feel...

[DE]

... in response to Response to SteveM's re: "The One&q..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

excellent post!

[ChipShot]

... in response to Response to SteveM's re: "The One&q..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

Mark:

You said in one letter what I've been trying to say in ten.

I'm also a single Dad. A big part of my decision making is finding a woman who is also a Mom, and who will be as loving to my children as I will be to her child.

I would love to be romantic in this venture, but I have to be very practical. I don't feel I have the luxury of five years to find a partner. I'm 39. I need to get my family life back on track. My son does not have a female parent in the home. I still feel badly that I told S that I would see others while in Russia. But, it's the truth. I can't put all my hopes that S will be as terrific as she sounds.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: Response to SteveM's re: "The O..., posted by ChipShot on Feb 8, 2002

It's amazing...

I'm a single dad. I was 40 when I went to St. Petersburg. One of the compelling reasons was that I wanted a woman's influence in my daughter's life.

Eerie.

But I commend you. I'm telling you, you are doing the right thing. Now do yourself a favor.

Take a deep breath and repeat this to yourself:

"I don't NEED to find a mother for my son. We're doing fine."

Keep repeating that. DON'T make the mistake I made. I married someone (an AW) because I thought my daughter needed a mother. It taught me one bitter and painful lesson:

No mother is inifinitely better than the wrong mother. I would do anything to turn back the clock and undo some of the pain that my daughter went through by being rejected by my second wife.

Thirty nine is still young. Maria was 23 (lied to me about it and told me she was 25) when she answered my personal ad. She saw absolutely nothing wrong with being with a 40 year old man. That seems to be the banner year for them, though. (BTW, she was NOT just hitching up with me because she thought I was rich. Go back and read my trip report. She was sincere in her feelings towards me...)

Take your time, and relax. Go and enjoy your trip. Put no pressure on yourself at all. Believe in God. If it is meant to be, it will be.

I know how hard it is to be a single dad. But, you're doing fine. Your son is all right. I can say that without ever having met you. Because I know the road you've walked...

-Mark

PS: Where and when are you going to Ukraine?

[ChipShot]

... in response to Chip, Your situation is startingly simil..., posted by MarkInTx on Feb 8, 2002

Thanks, Mark.

Yes, our journey is probably very similar. I agree with you, my son and I are doing great. We sat together tonight, watched the Olympic ceremony, and I carried him to bed after he fell asleep. Not a bad night.

It's funny. A big reason why I became interested in finding a partner in the FSU was the idea that, alongside with intelligence, beauty, and cultural attractiveness, I saw women similarly situated to me. Women with a younger child, who had been left to care for the child essentially alone.
Instead of blending my family with an AW, who might be also sharing custody with ex-husband, and his new wife, and their three kids, and vacations splitting time, amnd Christmas splitting time, and revolving door child visitations...aahhh...the ideas was that I would welcome an FSU woman and her child to my home, and we would build a life together. A simple idea, that just might work.

Mark, I enjoy all of your posts. Always intelligent, well reasoned, and helpful.

I'm destined to Russia on my next trip. Arriving SVO. I also have a list (shame on me.. ) of ladies in Ukraine, and if I can wrangle child care, I'll visit there, too, this summer.

Always, I'd be happy to hear more about your thoughts and experiences. Many thanks.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: Chip, Your situation is startingly s..., posted by ChipShot on Feb 9, 2002

That is the one thing which keeps bringing me back to the idea of a foreign bride:

I can do the blended family with no EX's in the picture.

I would never steal another man's child from him. (In fact, I broke up with an amazing Latina lady who lived the next state over because of that...)

But if he abandoned his child, I would love to have another kid in my home. My daughter would love a brother or a sister.

However... my second marriage did teach me this (and I guess some would disagree with this...)

I will only take a woman with A) one child and B) the same age or younger than my daughter.

Reasons:

Why only one?

If she has two children, they will form a "block" and your kid will be an outsider in her own home. That's what happened to my daughter in my second marriage. She felt like the four of us (my wife, her two boys and me) formed the family unit, and she just "lived there." Broke my heart when she told me that one day...

Why only same age or younger?

Two reasons: First, my daughter is 8. If I brought a Russian kid over who was 12 or something, and didn't speak English... it will be hard for him to adjust. This will make it harder for the mom to adjust as well. (Don't all parents feel guilt over things they put their children through?) But, besides that... there is something about being the eldest child. My daughter, being an only child, fits into that in the birth order. If I suddenly make her the baby of the family, it changes the dynamics too much. That might just be a "my daughter" thing. But I think she will be happier by far with a younger sibling than an older one...

Some decisions I made, FWIW

BTW... how old is your son?

[ChipShot]

... in response to Yes! Exactly!, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

"That might just be a "my daughter" thing. But I think she will be happier by far with a younger sibling than an older one...

Some decisions I made, FWIW

BTW... how old is your son?"

Hi, Mark.

I agree with you. my sense is that my son, who is 10, will enjoy having a younger brother or sister. In a way, the new brother will need to adapt and learn, and it might be hard for a 12 year old FSU boy to take instructions from my 10 year old. My son enjoys being around his younger cousins, so it seems like a younger child is a good fit.

It also occurred to me that it might be an easier adjustment for a woman in the US to have her child with her, to at least share the language, and to minimize the feelings of isolation in  a new country. Of course, I will put all my energy into helping her feel at home, but perhaps having her child will be a comfortable way to start a new life.

Another point. When I spoke to S last weekend, I asked her about her child's father. I expected her to say he had moved on, and wasn't around. I learned that he still lives in her city, and spends a lot of time with the daughter. Picks her up from school, etc. I told S that was a wonderful thing, that he stayed involved in her life. In my mind, though, it made me feel as though there will be complications involving the child. First, I would not want to be party to distancing a child from the father, if he is a loving father, even if S decided it was OK to do. Second, the father might intervene in the K-1 process, and refuse to allow the child to emigrate, or he might demand compensation, as I have heard happen. I'm glad I asked S about this, and will explore this question more.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: Yes! Exactly!, posted by ChipShot on Feb 9, 2002


Yes, I have had this struggle, too.

Let me tell you about the woman I referenced a couple of posts up.

I met a lady who was orginally from Argentina, but who had lived in this country since she was five. She spoke fluent Spanish, Fluent English (no trace of an accent) and fluent french. She was one year away from finishing her PHd, and had a thriving business as a physical therapist. She was a wonderful woman, highly intelligent, with good character, and oh yeah, by the way, she was a model, as well.

Perfect?

Except that she had a daughter. And she and her ex-husband shared joint custody. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't live in Louisiana. Which meant that if this woman and I had gotten married, I would be taking a little girl away from her father. I found out while we were dating that her little girl loved her father, and enjoyed the time she spent at his house.

How could I do to another man what I would NEVER let someone do to me?

When I broke it off, she couldn't believe it. She thought I was crazy for making a decision based on her child's well-being. That was not my call to make, in her opinion. It was hers.

But, I don't see it that way. I have to live with all of my decisions.

If S's child has a great relationship with her father... that's tough. So many men are MIA after the divorce, that if her ex husband isn't, it may say a lot about him. (And, of course the corollary is: If he is a man of good character... why are they divorced???)

As for the thought that a child here may help the woman adapt, it is a two edged sword. It could help her. Or it could give them both a feeling of "We're in this together... you and me against America..."

Believe me, the lines of demarkation in a "Blended-Family" are always visible, and is the largest challenge you have. How do you break down those walls, so the family can be one?

Having a different language spoken in the house that only half of the family understands is a great concern of mine.

Though, I agree, the plus side is that at least they have someone to talk to...

It's tough. It really is...

[BrianN]

... in response to More thoughts on Children, posted by MarkInTx on Feb 9, 2002

generally they're married to the ex as well.

Nothing wrong with that as long as all can get along.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to When one marry's someone else's ex,, posted by BrianN on Feb 10, 2002

It wasn't a question of getting along with the Ex.

If I married the woman, his daughter would have gone from seeing her dad every week -- all week -- to every other weekend.

I wouldn't do that