ending my engagement..?

[Flyboy]

... in response to ending my engagement..?, posted by SteveD on Jan 24, 2002

Steve,

I'm not an expert, but you didn't ask for one.

Ask yourself this question:  Would I marry and live with a person exactly like myself?  If your answer is Yes, stop reading now, turn your PC off and weave an indian blanket from the hair on your bottom side.  Just kidding about the blanket.

One thing for certain, you will both change once she is here.  Hopefully for the better.  Don't put all your thoughts in one basket and assume she will be exactly like she is now when she gets here.

My guess is that she is feeling down because her world (i assume) is dark and gloomy.  You would feel that way too after living the life she has for so many years.  Again, I am assuming things are rough on her turf.  As for being late, it's a common way of life over "there".  Ever been to Mexico?  "No problemo senior, your room will be ready shortly."  5 shots of tequilla later...you're in your room.  Most foreigners I know have never heard of "time management".  My wife hates that I plan the weekends.  She thinks we should lay around in bed, get up whenever, and do whatever when it happens.  Yikes!  We still have those weekends sometimes, but I involve her in planning fun things to do on the weekends.  Now, she's kickin' me in the butt to get moving so we can go ice skating or ice fishing on saturday.  Bottom line, our habits change when we co-habitate.

Relax a little and enjoy her for the conversation and not so much the context.  I called my fiancee every week for 6 months before she got here.  I thought I knew her personality pretty well.  (buzzer sound) Not even close, bud.  She's a whole different person in person.  She thinks the same of me.

If I had a nickel everytime I got cold feet, I'd be a rich man.  Now, I wouldn't trade a million nickels for her.  She's the best and I would have never known until I tried.

Good luck with your situation and I hope all works out.  I will close with one of my Toddisms:

There are 3 types of people: 1)Those that want things to happen, 2)Those that make things happen, and 3)Those that wondered what happened.  Which one are you???

Flyboy

[tfcrew]

... in response to Re: ending my engagement..?, posted by Flyboy on Jan 24, 2002

Sneaks in under my post. There used to be a time stamp here
There are no "experts" here.
But I agree w/ the Flyguy.....
There are two types of K1 petitioners  ...
Successful, and "those who wonder what happened"

[KenC]

... in response to ending my engagement..?, posted by SteveD on Jan 24, 2002

Steve,
If you have enough doubts to ask the question, then you should stop moving forward. The things that are bothering you are very minor. It appears as though you are searching for an excuse to back out. You don't need one. Feeling uncomfortable about moving forward is enough reason.
My wife takes forever to get ready. Does it piss me off? Occasionally it does, but for the most part I plan for it. And she is worth the wait!! Taking pride in one's looks is a major appeal of RW. You have to pay the price for it. My wife also had a casual approach to being on time. Did it piss me off? Occasionally it did, but I planned around it. Moving the times up a half an hour removes all stress in this matter.
As for you being pissed about her cutting your phone call short, that sounds very selfish on your part. If she didn't feel well, you should be more understanding.
KenC

[Zink]

... in response to ending my engagement..?, posted by SteveD on Jan 24, 2002

Steve,
This is probably the worst kind of question to be asking. When it's something this serious you need to have a deep discussion with your fiance, not a bunch of yahoos on the net.

I've been in the same situation that you are in now. My relationship is now dead and gone. Getting over it hasn't been easy. But that has nothing to do with you or your lady. I'm not going to tell you what to do but I am going to ask you some questions. You don't need to answer any of these questions, just think about them and decide for yourself what you need to do.

Why are you engaged to her?
What was it that made you feel that you couldn't live without her?
Did she ever tell you why she was with you?
What are your arguments about?
Was it a really important point?
Do you feel that you can openly discuss anything with her, without fear of causing even worse arguments?
Think very, very hard about why you are angry with her. Is it really her or something with yourself that is making you angry?

Sit down and make a list of everything that you like about her. Include everything, no matter how silly or inconsequential it seems. Make another list of everything that you hate about her. Compare the lists and decide how important each item on both of the lists are. Do the good things outweigh the bad?

There will always be things that annoy us about other people, even the ones we love most. But if you truly care for them you will be able to ignore the minor things. If you notice a huge problem that you feel can't be reconciled, then maybe you should call it off. I don't think that a couple arguments and some bad phone calls are enough reason. Only you know what you can and can't put up with.

[Deckard]

... in response to Re: ending my engagement..?, posted by Zink on Jan 24, 2002


I won't take away from it by adding anything, but I agree with everything you said.

Good luck, Zink, and Steve...

-Deckard

[thesearch]

... in response to Gosh, that was a good post, Zink, posted by Deckard on Jan 25, 2002

asdf

[BarryM]

... in response to ending my engagement..?, posted by SteveD on Jan 24, 2002

It seems to be a personality thing. It is a tough call. How she reacts when she it not in the best frame of mind is definately a consideration. Her being late is another thing. There's a difference in being fashionably late and what you're going through. It sounds like she wants to dominate you in some way and being late is her way of showing it. It comes down to consideration. If she is not willing to change a little, what makes you think she is going to be a suitable wife? She certainly is going to DEMAND that you change for her.

Maybe....

-blm

[thesearch]

... in response to Re: maybe, posted by BarryM on Jan 24, 2002

My experience with women like this is that not uncommonly if you give into them and do not get hold of the situation they ultimately do not respect you. Even though they fight you, they really want you to take charge.

And, when you quit trying or give up, things actually get worse. It is not the most healthy of relationship.

[micha1]

... in response to ending my engagement..?, posted by SteveD on Jan 24, 2002

Steve, no one can tell you what to do.
If 95% of the times all is well, perhaps the other 5% she blows her top because you are not there and she needs you.
If she needs you that bad, she must love very much.
And when a woman needs you (or her man)  and he is not there, it is his fault, no matter the reason for his
absence.  So be patient.  How can anyone tell you to break up your engagement
Perhaps, wishing that I am right,  have you found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

[Charles]

... in response to ending my engagement..?, posted by SteveD on Jan 24, 2002

Steve, I don't think you are at a point to throw in the towel.  You mentioned two things:  1)  the phone calls and 2) lateness.  Regarding the latter, these women take a great deal of pride in themselves and often take their time.  I have learned with my wife that she needs a good 1-2 hours to prepare herself to go out.  So that's a problem you're going to have to accept.  When things are time-sensitive, I try to move the time up to compensate for the inevitable delay  (We need to leave at 10 when we really need to leave at 10:30).  On the phone calls, it sounds like you caught her at a bad time.  Another POSSIBILITY is that she's lonely and out of work, and would love to hear from you more than once a week.  Maybe you should call her more often and try to cheer her up.  And on the fiance visa let her know you are doing everything you can - there's a wealth of material on this subject.  In any event, the good thing is that it sounds as though you are able to talk about your differences which really bodes well for a successful marriage.  In having these discussions about areas of disagreement, try to emphathize with her feelings as best you can, and talk about ways that you can communicate better so that a little argument does not become a big one.  She sounds like a nice lady - focus on that and don't sweat the small stuff!

[Clay]

... in response to ending my engagement..?, posted by SteveD on Jan 24, 2002

I'm new here, but I would have some advice to offer in this situation.

Reading your post, I think you may have answered your own question.  You think mebbe your both dragging your feet, because deep down yur not in love.  I'm no expert when it comes to RW, but I also think that women are still women, and people are still people.  So I think it saves a lot of time to bottom line people's actions towards you and ingnore their words (they tend to get in the way).  Not showing up on time is not showing you any respect - any way you slice it.  Think about women here at home, how far did you ever get once she started not being on time, or breaking dates.  The answer is always nowhere.  And when her reply to your issues is basically 'deal with it', she's not being supportive, reasonable, or giving much consideration to your feelings.  She's showing her hand pretty early (IE she should be making EVERY effort to keep you happy - just like you are to her.) - imagine what it will be like when you are married, and essentially HAVE to tolerate her behavior?

As far as her headache?  Every woman I've ever known gets pretty squirrelly when they aren't feeling well.  Most of them just want to be left alone until they feel better (My experience).  I wouldn't overreact to this one, even though it's tough to not take it personally sometimes.

Bottom line would be advice I've given a million times to friends about to tie the knot.  Take every little thing that drives you nuts right now, and amplify it a million times, because marriage only tends to make it worse, and nobody changes unless they decide to (IE, you can't love people out of their bad habits).  If it makes your head spin and your chest ache, it's time for some VERY serious soul-searching.

My .02 for what it's worth,

Clay

[wsbill]

... in response to Re: ending my engagement..?, posted by Clay on Jan 24, 2002

On the third trip over.  I'm just as guilty as you friend.

I've been over twice and have dragged my feet and really haven't taken the time to understand what papers need to be signed, etc...until recently, like right after my 2nd trip.

But to go over 4 times and not get much done, sounds like someone is living off your money.

Send me a photo of this girl... Sounds darn near like mine!
hi hi....  

I told her a while back I was going to pay someone to get those papers together for a fee and she said no, shes has friends that can do it...of course for my fee.

I'm dumb, but not that dumb to send her $$$.  I have given her a few hundred bucks to live on, but I would have thought she would have saved some dollars for the paper process fees...she must think it grows on trees over here!

She seems like a nice girl, but if this keeps up at this rate, I'm going to break everything off and start in another direction.  I would hate to do that.  But, if they're not really interested in there future.  The heck with them... I know there are plenty others that would love to have a decent roof over their head and a good guy by their side.

[KenC]

... in response to Re: You should have gotten the paperwork..., posted by wsbill on Jan 24, 2002

Bill,
If you really don't give a sh!t, then why bother?  Give THE GIRL a break and let her find someone that truely loves her.  It is obvious that you don't.
KenC

[wsbill]

... in response to Gee, that sounds like true love LOL, posted by KenC on Jan 24, 2002

I'm not a super rich guy, In the last 6 months I have recieved a home (free) which I had to refurbish and as a small business owner in a recession.  It's kinda hard generate cash.

I'll get the girl over here and her son.  I'm taking on one helluva burden.  Which I don't want a bunch of loose ends to foul up the relationship.

Prior to me coming along, nobody had ever written this girl as she said she was listed with the agency for well over a year.  I mean how many guys want a lady with a kid and one with a thyroid problem (though not active).

No, doubt that'll send every dude running in the opposite direction as it could really turn out to be a expensive little boy.

I'm not stringing this girl along, she'll eventually get here.  This is just going to take time for me to get all the my stuff done.  Get the house squared away and even get a real job...  (Got my application in for work at Goodyear and General Tire, they're hiring $15+ hour, union job).

I worked for General Tire for two years prior... I use to work the Midnight to Noon shift... Try staying up and doing that for two years.

But they have atleast changed their hours to 7pm to 7am.

whew.

[KenC]

... in response to Re: Well it's a financial kind of thing...., posted by wsbill on Jan 25, 2002

Bill,
I understand that your in a tight spot right now.  Hey, we have all been there and you sound like you are taking the right steps to change your situation.  That is not the issue though.  In reading your posts, I see no excitement at all about your girl.  The closest thing to a compliment was that you think she is a "decent girl."  I see an attitude that she and her child will be a great burden for you.  I read that you are doing such a great favor to her and her child and if things don't work out, then you will be someone else's prize.  That is an awful attitude to start a marriage.  Maybe you better re-think it.
KenC