Sexual Attitudes

[ChipShot]

Here's a serious question, which I hope only prompts thoughtful answers.

I traveled to Ukraine last year, and met a woman with whom I had a wonderful time. We spoke of our families, marriage. She is divorced and I am divorced, in our 30's, she early, me late. After returning home we continued to express love to each other, but the subject of sex was difficult. I had the sense that women in FSU might view sex as an activity of life that is not particularly significant. I was willing to refrain from sexual adventures with women here (new York area), mainly because the women I know here are highly educated, business women, looking for a relationship before sex. I've never feigned a relationship with a woman to get sex; I've always thought that akin to fraud. Like writing a bad check, without funds to pay for it.

I have wanted to ask my Lviv friend if she has a boyfriend, or regular lover. I've sometimes felt that she'll say "of course," as though a woman in FSU feels it's OK to have a fiance or love interest in the US, and a boyfriend at home.

This issue hit home as I was reading a FSU marriage agency site started by an American man and Russian wife. She writes about how she would visit her to-be husband away from her village, so that the boyfriend was not around. Presumably, she was falling in love with her American fiance, and also sleeping with her Russian guy, to pass the time. The fact that she writes about this on their website suggested that her husband was OK with the concept that while the K-1 is in process, the sex in the village continues. I don't think I would ever feel comfortable with this kind of situation, but I wonder if I'm being overly "American" or puritanical. Any thoughts on this? How does a male fiance discuss this issue, in terms his FSU wife might understand, without it seeming controlling, or offensive?

[jj]

... in response to Sexual Attitudes, posted by ChipShot on Jan 23, 2002

I know of one girl (she is 36 and has two boys) She is divorced from her Husband (They still remain friends) and is living with a guy and while I was visiting she was also dating other men, she now seeks to find a Foriegn Husband.  Now I am not sure if this is the norm ... but I had the discovered this was excepted behaviour for some .. a white lie.  Now I was not too impressed personally but then who am I to judge others morals...  only judge those that you wish to become close to and remain friends to the others is my motto...  As to a womens faithfulness on relcoating...  Well I leave that to others on this board with better understanding and experience on these cultural matters.. One thing I realised is that the Orthodox Church is a little more liberal then sum...  but thenm many who claim to be Orthodox do not attend church religiously...

[Mike]

... in response to Sexual Attitudes, posted by ChipShot on Jan 23, 2002

Chip,
I can only say how I see it and don't want to seem as if I'm telling you what to do, or what not to do, but if it was me I wouldn't even think about bringing a girl here unless I was 100% sure that she had the morals I desired and I would have to feel that I can trust her. The sad part is if you ask her in the wrong manner and she could sense you were worried then there is a strong chance she would say what you wanted to hear. If she is screwing one guy while waiting to come to you then it only makes sense that she could at a later time do it again once she is here. As for the man that has the agency I'd like to know the address to it. This guy also must have mental problems to except this behavior from her.
Mike

[hockeybrain]

... in response to Sexual Attitudes, posted by ChipShot on Jan 23, 2002

The girls run the gamut from virgin to tramp.  The more you meet the more diversity you will see.  The young girl who never was married could be a virgin.  The divorced girl certainly is not.  The rest is between you and the girl.

[John K]

... in response to Sexual Attitudes, posted by ChipShot on Jan 23, 2002

From what I've seen, Ukrainians seem to be more open and pragmatic about sex.  Sex exists and there seems to be little wrong with someone having fun.  I noticed erotica in the local newspaper, so I would have to assume that sex is more out in the open.

Of course each person has their own feelings on the matter, so I wouldn't take this as gospel...

[wsbill]

... in response to Sexual Attitudes, posted by ChipShot on Jan 23, 2002

That's alot of people in a day time....

[RW]

... in response to Sexual Attitudes, posted by ChipShot on Jan 23, 2002

Just sent her the article you read and ask her what she thinks.

That would be a good beginning for you to start discussing this topic. That is something you definitely should discuss and be comfortable with her attitude.

Russian Wife

[KenC]

... in response to Re: Sexual Attitudes, posted by RW on Jan 23, 2002

n/t

[Onephd]

... in response to Sexual Attitudes, posted by ChipShot on Jan 23, 2002

Just ask her? If you are getting a K-1, you better ask!!!

My limited experience with RW is they don't mind talking about it if you bring it up in the correct manner.

Best of luck!!!

[Stevo]

... in response to Sexual Attitudes, posted by ChipShot on Jan 23, 2002

I'd say that sex in the FSU is somewhat akin to a 'hobby' for people there.  Look, here in the USA we've got plenty of things to keep us occupied among work, family, recreation, hobbies, etc. (often to the detriment of our sex lives...you know, 'too tired').

In the FSU, for a lot of people there isn't much after work.  If you spend a lot of time in your small flat without opportunities to get out and about, without a house to take care of, without too many outside hobbies, pretty soon sex seems like an appropriate diversion.

Virtually every woman you talk to in the FSU will tell you the same story....that a man MUST have sex every day.  Well, if that's true, then it takes two to tango, so that means a lot of women are having sex every day.  In America, I'd think you'd be hard pressed to find 1 out of 10 women who would tell you the same thing regarding a man and his sexual needs.

Bottom line, others are certainly entitled to their opinion to the contrary, but as far as I'm concerned, women in the FSU are much more sexually oriented than women here, and they DON'T think sex is such a big deal....it's just something you do.  And your girlfriend/fiancee would never tell you if she was having a fling with the guy next door...they are experts at hiding their true selves after 70+ years of being conditioned by the state.

Stevo

[BubbaGump]

... in response to From what I've been told and observed..., posted by Stevo on Jan 23, 2002

You're not discouraging me here.  No muss, no fuss.

[SingleDad318]

... in response to From what I've been told and observed..., posted by Stevo on Jan 23, 2002

I'd say that sex in the FSU is somewhat akin to a 'hobby' for people there.
(do they have "hobbie stores" there also?)

Look, here in the USA we've got plenty of things to keep us occupied among work, family, recreation, hobbies, etc. (often to the detriment of our sex lives...you know, 'too tired').
(I kind of like the russian hobbies more) LOL

In the FSU, for a lot of people there isn't much after work.(So they have "hobbies")

If you spend a lot of time in your small flat without opportunities to get out and about, without a house to take care of, without too many outside hobbies, pretty soon sex seems like an appropriate diversion.
(would that include the self afflicted kind?)

Virtually every woman you talk to in the FSU will tell you the same story....that a man MUST have sex every day.
(That's another reason AW are having so much trouble)

Well, if that's true, then it takes two to tango,
(or one to "mingle")

so that means a lot of women are having sex every day.
(I'm envious)

In America, I'd think you'd be hard pressed to find 1 out of 10 women who would tell you the same thing regarding a man and his sexual needs.
(too many toys available here)

Bottom line, others are certainly entitled to their opinion to the contrary, but as far as I'm concerned, women in the FSU are much more sexually oriented than women here,
(another plus for RW)

and they DON'T think sex is such a big deal....it's just something you do.
(and do and do and do and do and do, oops... energizer bunny visions)

And your girlfriend/fiancee would never tell you if she was having a fling with the guy next door
(but would they keep the same attitude when they came over here?)

...they are experts at hiding their true selves after 70+ years of being conditioned by the state.
(why are you doing a 70+ year old?)

[KenC]

... in response to Sexual Attitudes, posted by ChipShot on Jan 23, 2002

Chip,
If you want to know, talk about it.  If your relationship is at a point where it should be monogamous then you dam well better talk it over.  If you are in the K-1 process, it should be understood by both parties what is acceptable and what is not.  You cannot even begin to compare what other's standards are on this subject (Russian or otherwise).  What is valid, is what you and your woman decide is best for the two of you.

I also agree with Dan's post below.  All the talk here about RW being promiscuous may be just an off shoot from their being such sexy feminine creatures.  (She's a hottie and dresses so seductively that she must "put" out.)  In a way what we do is use American standards and apply them to the RW.  RW revel in their sexuality, but where that stops is up to the individual RW.  I know first hand that not all RW have the casual attitude towards sex that you describe in your post.
KenC

[Dan]

... in response to Sexual Attitudes, posted by ChipShot on Jan 23, 2002

First, it addresses communication in a relationship. Maybe it's just me, but I cannot imagine, and would not consider for a moment, a relationship in which I did not feel the freedom to discuss any topic whatsoever with my intended wife-to-be. Anything less is unacceptable, in my opinion. In that spirit, it seems to me that you must have the sort of openness with communication so that you could discuss this topic freely and without restraint.

Next, as to sexual attitudes. I tire of the many posts that seek to characterize RW in any one way. The fact is, there are just as many different attitudes toward sex by RW as there are by AW. If you are looking for causative factors that may (stress *may*) lead to slight differences in behavior, the fact that Soviets suppressed open freedoms of religion has probably influenced their society's attitudes towards sex a little - as well as the sudden opening of their society to the West. Aside from that, I think you will find that the situation in Ukraine/Russia - if you were to meet and get to know enough women - is not all that different from what it is here in America. I do not see them as any more chaste, or any more promiscuous, than the women (in general) in America.

- Dan