Breaking up is hard to do...

[John K]

Those of you who marry younger ladies may find a situation similar to what I am seeing now.  My wife spent all her life with her mother and grandmother prior to her coming to America.  Now that she has been here for over a year, the growing pains are coming to a head.  Having always before been under the protective wing of her parents, Marina is now having a difficult time getting them to accept her as an adult woman, with her own ideas and independence.  This "breaking free" process occurs for most people, but it is often a difficult time at best.  Combine it with the frustrations of living in a foreign land and depression can easily set in.

I have noticed the deterioration of my wife's relationship with her parents, and I have made extra efforts to be more attentive to her needs.  The married lifestyle has also affected my relationships with my family.  There is now distance between myself and my sister that didn't exist before.  I remember when my father married his second wife, our relationship changed with him quite a bit.  I think that this is normal for many marriages, if not most.  For those who've never married, be forewarned of these changes.

One thing that has helped my wife is her best friend, back in Iowa.  She called Ira and they talked over an hour on the phone.  Ira has faced the same exact situation earlier and was able to share her experiences with Marina and give her some advice.  I cannot stress enough that you need to build a support network for your future spouses, once they get here.  Find Russian speaking people in your area and get your wife in contact with them.  Hopefully, when the time comes, your wife will have someone to fall back on when they need it.

As always, this is simply my 2¢ and strictly my own opinion.  Your mileage may vary...

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Breaking up is hard to do..., posted by John K on Jan 16, 2002

Well...except that Bashing America post ;-)   j/k

[KenC]

... in response to Breaking up is hard to do..., posted by John K on Jan 16, 2002

John,
I don't think this issue is a Russian or American thing.  It is based more on personalities and family rearing methods.  As an example my first American wife had the same difficulties you speak of in your post with cutting her "apron strings" with her Mother.  My current Russian wife, Lena has had no difficulties in this area at all.  Even when her Mother came to visit us for three weeks this summer, there was never any doubts that Lena was the "woman of the house."  I would also make the observation that Lena's family was much closer than amy Ex's family.  Go figure?
KenC

[Stevo]

... in response to Breaking up is hard to do..., posted by John K on Jan 16, 2002

Following along the lines of dependency on parents.  My wife was just telling me how she noticed her friends fawning over their children, to the point of not letting them experience the normal trials and tribulations of growing up, such as the simple act of learning to walk and falling down.  They would pick up the child (who would start to cry) and follow the child around the apartment so that he wouldn't fall...mama was always there to protect the child.

My wife never noticed this before, but now she realizes that it just makes Russian children overly dependent on their parents as they mature into early adulthood. Quite the opposite here in the USA where children are encouraged to be independent and grow up without being so attached to Mom's apron strings.

Interestingly, whenever our daughter (7) would call my wife while she was in Russia during this most recent trip, she would start to cry.  Then my wife would ask me (more like yell at me) "what's wrong with our daughter, why is she crying!?".  And I would tell her that she didn't cry one bit until she got on the phone with mom to elicit sympathy, etc.  The kid is happy-go-lucky until Mom is around to see/hear her cry (she never cries with me because she knows it would be falling on deaf ears).

Stevo

[apk]

... in response to More observations from wife..., posted by Stevo on Jan 16, 2002

I agree, from my experience with my Russian wife and her 7 y.o. son.
The boy was mostly raised by his grandmother and was spoiled terribly, to the point of treating his mother and babushka as his personal servant.
Since they have been here for almost 4 months she has noticed many changes in him, a lot to do with the fact that I do not put up with his demands and used rewards for re-training him, refusing rewards for bad behavior...etc.
What a difference! The most important change she sees is the fact that he is polite and asks for things now and can accept our refusal without a temper tantrum. My wife admits she had no control of him before and now she tells all of her friends how great a father I am, in the beginning she had a hard time with my methods...she thought I did not like the boy....I told her to be patient and she will see improvement in time.
My next goal with my step son is to get him to behave more like a boy instead of a girl, he prefers to play with my daughters old toys and does not like to go outside and play sports...something my wife does not see as a problem...

[Rags]

... in response to Re: More observations from wife..., posted by apk on Jan 17, 2002

I'm running into much the same with my 3 y.o. daughter but I haven't gotten as far along as you. Thank goodness that V did realize that there was a problem from the start and had some patience with my methods. Still you don't want to get directly between a bear and her cub do you?

Hopefully I will see much of the same results that you have with time. Patience, patience, patience.

On the other hand, I've a tom boy on my hands. So much for all the cutesy girl stuff that I bought for her arrival. She wants to roll in the mud with the dog, shoot guns, and climb everything.