My Horrible Russian Experience

[doctahd]

Tonight I just got back from 10 ghastly nights in jail, the product of my first and only arrest, a rather horrible experience for a 62-year-old with diabetes and arthritis. And I owe it all to my lovely Russian wife, age 45.

We were married September a year ago, after a whirlwind (1 year) Internet romance. My idea was that, even if the marriage did not work, at least I would be rescuing a woman and her son from a terrible existance in St. Petersburg. (Had I met her 18-year-old son, Ivan the Terrible, on my only visit with her in Russia, I know I would have searched elsewhere for a bride. Over the past year, I have not been able to elicit one conversation out of this kid -- only grunts.) It was a classic case of no good deed going unpunished. The marriage is now ending looking something like a painting of the torments of Hell by H. Bosch.

It was not long after the civil marriage ceremony that I knew this romance was never going to be a romance. For one thing, I never heard her say she loved me. Not once. (Strange she couldn't lie about that, too, as she did with so many other things.) Within four months, it was obvious she was only here to get her green card and get her sullen, arrogant kid into an American university. (Now that the universities in Russia are no longer free, she had no hope of getting him into one there.) She nagged and attacked from morning til night. She disliked romantic play, did not understand teasing, and would turn the most innocent remark into some kind of attack on her or Russians in general. After a while, everything DID become an attack on her or Russians in general. In short, she taught me to hate her.

But when I suggested divorce, she practically went into epileptic fits, yelling that I had promised her a place in America, etc., etc. I would think about it overnight, then relent. Eventually I settled on a plan whereby we would share the house (but not my bed) until the conditions were removed from her visa. When she and her kid obtained employment, they would share in covering the living expenses. This was especially necessary, as my jobs were general contract affairs, with periods of unemployment between them.

When I got laid off in September, I pointed out to her that I needed $500 a month out of their salaries until I got back to work. She was not happy about that, but protested only a little. Then, a week ago, she decided she could go off on her own and not run the risk of deportation for breaking up the marriage. Her plan?: portray me as a vicious wife-beater and psychological abuser.

I fell right into the trap. When she told me she was moving out without paying some of her bills (especially the $750 phone bill she ran up on calls to Russia), I went ballistic. There was an argument which ended with me throwing one of her silk blouses at her. (That was the extent of the "violence.") She rushed out and called the police.

Little did I know that in Texas they can throw a guy in jail on an uncorroborated charge of abuse by a woman. Had I no more than raised my voice to her, she could have had me arrested, thanks to the Draconian laws of this state.

Once I went into the pokey, I had a hell of a time getting out. Now I face big attorney's bills because of her actions. Meanwhile, during the time I was sitting in the hell of the Travis County Correctional Facility, her son was ripping off my computer, a CD player, and a backpack. With the money they had been stashing away, they rented an apartment and bought a car. They have moved off to parts unknown, and I don't care to know where they are, as I have no desire for any kind of further contact with these two.

Needless to say, I am now determined to get this woman deported before the conditions are removed from her visa. America does not need this kind of citizen.

I am posting this message as a warning to those who think all Russian women will be eternally grateful for the opportunity you give them for a better life (some may be, and you may even get a "Thanks" from them, but don't count on it). For what it's worth, I have met five couples here in Austin where the man is American and the woman Russian. Two of the couples are younger, with the spouses under 30. These appear to be okay matches. But for the three where the husband is over 40, either he or the wife do not appear to be happy at all.

A second reason for posting this is to solicit opinion from those with similar experiences. I had taken this woman to be somewhat naive, someone who was excessively unfamiliar with American bureaucratic procedures and even a bit dumb. But I now think she knew all along what she was doing; to say she is devious and manipulative is to use terms that are much too mild. I believe Russian women over a certain age are skilled con artists with survival skills they learned in order to deals with the harsh realities of life in Soviet (and Glasnost) Russia.

I would not care that this woman skipped out on her bills or even that her son had lifted some stuff that did not belong to me had she not gotten me thrown into the slammer on a bogus charge of violence against her. Are there any suggestions out there on how I can assure that this harridan and her evil spawn get their butts kicked back to St. Petersburg where they belong?

[BubbaGump]

... in response to My Horrible Russian Experience, posted by doctahd on Dec 14, 2001

Get to know them a little better next time.  If she doesn't appear to like you at all, why the heck are you marrying her?  There's another board for guys like you, find it and join your fellow complainers!

My friend got thrown into one of the worst jails in the US but his wife was American.  He spent 4 nights in jail and was threatened by other inmates for complaining about being thrown in jail.    

[thesearch]

... in response to My Horrible Russian Experience, posted by doctahd on Dec 14, 2001

My what a horror story. Sorry to hear this and thank you for taking the time to post your experience.

First of all you need to realize that you have placed yourself in a position to be a look a like of a typical troll so do not be offended by such being suggested.

Why do I say this? - because so many times before the pattern of the troll can imitate your scenario - first time poster who comes here after the fact with a horrible story. This is a typical troll approach. Usually people who have not posted and have such an experience are not looking for Russian forums to talk.

Your reasons for coming here now at this time, as best I can tell, could be two fold.

One is to get advice as to what to do now since the event. This most likely is not the best forum to find those answers. There is another site that was started by Shane Neff where there are several men who have had problems like you describe. This would be an excellent place to present that question. Guys here are either searching, in process or happily married. I can not give you that address but I am sure someone here can.

Your second reason would be because you are of a compassionate and  altruistic nature and being such, you are compelled to do what you can to try and help someone else avoid that which was your plight.

Most likely no one knows you here. You could be a gentle kind man who has had a terrible experience or you could be a real ass hole trying to force a situation on your lady. No one really knows at first when you present yourself. So, there will be questions posed. As dialogue ensues you start to form shape hopefully reflecting correctly who you are. If trolls did not exist, you would not be put through this. Just accept it, don't get upset with anyone here - blame it on trolls and you will be correct.

If you honestly want to help others to not go through what you have gone through, more than just the unfortunate facts of the end result are needed. I would encourage you to share as much as you can. Simply telling guys to not seek a bride from the FSU will not help most as they will proceed anyway.

The types of things that can help would be what warning signs did you see that you did not take seriously. They had to be there. This will help others to not make the same mistake of ignoring such.

How much precaution did you take? Did you just jump into this? How many times did you go see her?  Did you have a prenuptial done? Did you seek advice along the way at some other forum? Did you ever read this forum before bringing her over here? At age 62 how do you look compared to her? Do you look like a good match? Why did you look to the FSU? All of this would be helpful.

Again, I am sorry for what you went through - others have gone through worse and others have their dream wife years after the two year limit has passed. It is all about being the latter position and not the former and any information that you can provide that might help someone get the latter versus your result will be greatly appreciated.

In time this will all be over for you, just hang in there.

[juio99]

... in response to Could have been worse could have been pe..., posted by thesearch on Dec 14, 2001

1

[yoe]

... in response to My Horrible Russian Experience, posted by doctahd on Dec 14, 2001

Man that is ONE sad story. Hey check this out. I had this AW, I paid for all of her clothes, food, housecleaning. Seh never did one dish or cooked one meal or washed one pair of panities--------------and she had the gall to write checks off my corporate account to her, steal my $500 watch and a Gold Graduation ring-MY MOM GOT ME-----------then sleep with other dudes...........................poor me..........poop on that dude...............I knew what was up-I just did not want to see it. Let it go bro. You asked for it now learn from it and move on. If you think that is bad..............I got a story of my college 'love' who was having sex with a republican congressman.
Good luck dude,
Joe

[RW]

... in response to My Horrible Russian Experience, posted by doctahd on Dec 14, 2001

anybody should think about Russian women is that they are naive or don't know anything about US laws. Believe me, if she does not know now she would learn after she gets to USA.

As I discovered, there is more information posted on internet and discussed between Russian women here about divorces, legal rights, freezing assets, separation than any other topic - and that is not because all Russian women are shrewd, but because there are very different stories from both sides.

There are a lot of questions to the story as with any situation, but what strikes me the most is one question "why did you marry her?" - she never said she loved you, you never SAW her son, you made only ONE visit to Russia. What were you thinking? It is the most "polite" question I can come up with.

Honestly, I don't think there is much you can do about it. If she does have green card - no matter if it is temporary or permanent one, she can not be kicked out of the country. And I am sure she knows that as well.

Russian Wife

[doctahd]

... in response to Last thing, posted by RW on Dec 14, 2001

One more thing. My wife has a conditional resident visa. This is supposed to mean that her stay here is not guaranteed unless one condition is met: that the couple remain married for two years.

As I understand it, this condition is not being enforced by the INS. The woman has only to demonstrate her husband battered her -- as evidenced by her call to 911 -- to get around that condition.

If the INS is not going to enforce this stipulation (and, admittedly, there are good reasons for not enforcing it), then the agency should tighten up the rules for the K-1 visa. Maybe they should require that contact between the man and woman be for something like 30 days over a two-year period before submitting an application. They should also discourage female treasure hunters by making exceptions to the community property laws for a set number of days that would be a trial period for the relationship. And, for that matter, the man should have to put into escrow an amount that guarantees a return fare to Russia during that period. Finally, the 90-day grace period before a required marriage should be extended to 180 days, and this would be the trial period.

[Dan]

... in response to Re: Last thing, posted by doctahd on Dec 15, 2001

Maybe the man (that would be - or at least *should* be - YOU) would take responsibility for themselves - rather than whine and moan that someone else should protect stupid men from themselves. Don't you think??

As for the "trial period" - the K-1 is not now, and never was, intended to allow a "trial period" before marriage. It was designed to accommodate those people who had met someone overseas and fallen in love and wanted to find a mechanism to allow them into this country legally so they could marry *here*. It has always been possible for a US citizen to marry elsewhere and then petition for the new spouse to enter the US (albeit sometimes with a lengthy wait) - but not always possible for a fiance to enter the US legally for purposes of marriage here.

So it would seem that you propose:

a) revision to the visa regulations so that petitioners may bring people into the country for a "trial" marriage - presumably so that it will be easier to send them away if things are not to the petitioner's satisfaction (you know, snoring or walking with a slouch - whatever), and

b) institute legislation that would push more of the burden of making good decisions to law-makers, rather than the person making the decision taking that responsibility themselves.

Yep - you're absolutely correct - you'll fit right in over at the Whiny-boys board (that would be the RWNA-TT board).

- Dan

[wsbill]

... in response to My Horrible Russian Experience, posted by doctahd on Dec 14, 2001

Your story line sounds just like what we are looking for.

WE are always looking for failed foreign marriage stories.  Your sounds perfect for the part.

[BarryM]

... in response to My Horrible Russian Experience, posted by doctahd on Dec 14, 2001

It seems like that evil piece of sh!t Shane Neff his having a recruiting drive for his cult again.

-blm

[juio99]

... in response to Looks like we're being attacked by RWNA ..., posted by BarryM on Dec 14, 2001

posts assumed to be valid??

[BubbaGump]

... in response to Why are negative posts assumed to be Tro..., posted by juio99 on Dec 14, 2001

But the stories sound so familiar.

[pat]

... in response to Why are negative posts assumed to be Tro..., posted by juio99 on Dec 14, 2001

because a lot of people here are living in a dream....
don't buy all the bulls h*t you read on msg boards...go there for urself and get ur own opinion of it, this is the best advice i can give u...
But in my opinon, after a few times only u start to understand pple there, and i'm just saying that u start...
For me Russians are like matriochkas...it's a surprise after another one, but that' s why they are so interesting!

[Dan]

... in response to Why are negative posts assumed to be Tro..., posted by juio99 on Dec 14, 2001

If you had - you'd know that many regular posters offer some rather horrific stories - and we KNOW they are not trolls. It is the ones that pop in here for the first time, claiming to have been around a while - and with the same general tone and lack of substance to their posts - that arouse suspicion.

Unlike some claims, this board is NOT all about the positives of women from the FSU. Quite to the contrary, there are loads of reports of scammers and the potholes that can befall the unwary.

Read the board - you may find something of value here.

- Dan

[doctahd]

... in response to You Haven't Been Reading the Board for L..., posted by Dan on Dec 14, 2001

Doctah D again.

Trolls?

I guess there are all kinds of nut cases who write into various forums around the Web, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised that there may be bogus messages about bogus RW being the queens of evil.

Trust me, mine isn't bogus. I was simply so surprised and shocked that this marriage turned this bad this quickly and (though I shouldn't be so surprised by this) that a woman would be so desperate to hit the U.S. jackpot she would enter into a marriage she didn't really desire. (By the way, I don't believe this woman had this devious master plan worked out from the get-go to pass her first INS hurdle, get a job, then kick me into jail; I think she picked up the information on how to do this elsewhere. I think she really did believe she would grow to love me and that I would grow to accept her horrible kid. Neither dream came true.)

I wrote into this site because I only now found it. I wanted to warn AM to do the reality checks I skipped and to find out if there was anything I could do to guarantee this woman will not continue to play hopscotch with my life. I guess I'm looking in the wrong place for that.