Sometimes they do leave...

[Stevo]

Just found out that one of my wife's aquaintances here in the US is leaving her American husband and going back to Russia (not your typical 'runner' destination, I would suppose).  So I wouldn't call this woman a visa 'scammer', just someone who couldn't make it work here.

She has been married for 5 years, so it is kind of surprising that she decided to leave and return to Russia after all this time.  Although she doesn't fit the profile of a visa scammer, she did admit to my wife that she didn't love her husband when she got married, but that she hoped she would learn to love him.  Obviously that never happened.

I met this woman once when this couple attended our wedding, and my impression was that she was a Russian woman living in the US, not a Russian-American, meaning that she never really assimilated into our culture/society.  For example, after 3-1/2 years her english ability was still very poor, she still didn't have a driver's license, no job, etc., etc.  She was more interested in visiting Brighton Beach, NY, and partying with other Russian immigrants than she was in making life at home with her husband work.  I'm sure that if she had learned to love her husband, that she would have made more of an effort to adapt, but after having met this woman, I'm not sure even that would have turned the tide.

So now, she is returning to Russia (Moscow region) with all of her acquired stuff, buying a new flat with the large sums of money her husband sent to her mother every month, and will probably resume her former life.

Forgetting the love issue for the moment (obviously of most importance) one of the lessons to be learned here is that you must make sure that your future wife assimilates into American society.  As I've said before, she must become a Russian-American, not a Russian living in America.  If she doesn't, she will never be happy and down the road she may decide to leave, to either go back to Russia, or more likely to somewhere where there is a large Russian immigrant population with which she can mingle and feel at home.

Stevo

[BrianN]

... in response to Sometimes they do leave..., posted by Stevo on Oct 22, 2001

I've seen it both ways, mostly with asian FW marrying AM... these misguided men ended up crying on my shoulder because they were so hyper about their women cheating or leaving or whatever, and went into the defensive mode, instead of supporting mode.  

Otherwise, it was complete apathy about the relationship.

That said, my advice to anyone would be, if you bring a foreign woman here, be prepared to take care of an infant with a high growth curve, using the level of respect, expected of all adults.

Lastly, don't marry a woman for the mother(ing) respect and care you missed for so long, and ignore the real woman behind it.

Good thread here.

[tfcrew]

... in response to Sometimes they do leave..., posted by Stevo on Oct 22, 2001

I understand. A young guy of 25 does not usually have the experience or mental maturity to handle a relationship as described. Sorry, not trying to be smug but....that's how it is.

[Stevo]

... in response to After further review...., posted by tfcrew on Oct 22, 2001

ggg

[Charles]

... in response to Sometimes they do leave..., posted by Stevo on Oct 22, 2001

I think that the rationale described by this woman is more common than one may expect, particularly where there is a) a large age differential and b) limited contact prior to marriage.   I think in most cases the man is kidding himself that a woman 20 years older really loves him, although there is always the possibility that may result at a later date.  Some of the other woman that I corresponded with expressed a similar approach, so be wary!  I don't think there is nothing wrong with meeting and assimilating into America through other Russian friends and acquaintances who, in many instances, are AM/RW marriages.  At first there is a lot of this, but as time wears on there is less of this as they meet your family, friends, etc. and find "non-Russian" ways of assimilating into America.

[thesearch]

... in response to Sometimes they do leave..., posted by Stevo on Oct 22, 2001

The major point to me of this post - is be sure she LOVE'S YOU!!!!!!!!

There is a certain way that a woman is when she is in love. You have to make it a criterea that it must be there. If it is not there - leave. If you are wrong and she is in love - she will respond to let you know.

I have heard too often about women not being in love hoping it will happen. Yes it can but man are you gambling more than you should IMHO

I can not believe guys who say well she was not that affectionate and start the K-1 process.

[KenC]

... in response to Sometimes they do leave..., posted by Stevo on Oct 22, 2001

Stevo,
I tnink that the option of not adapting to America is limited to those large cities (NY, LA?) that have a large Russian population.  Every where else, the RW are forced to assimilate to our lifestyle.

I also know of a UW/AM marriage that is "on the rocks."  This one is a couple in their 20's that rushed into a quickie marriage.  Even though they are close in age, they have very little else in common.  After over 3 years the relationship is just breaking down.  Having a green card has little to do with the breakdown, even though she will stay here after the divorce.  I know that she had hoped it would work, but it just didn't.  How much they loved each other and how much effort they both put into their marriage, only the two of them know for sure.  Knowing this couple rather well, I would assess the blame equally.  Their mistake (as I see it) is the casualness in making the original committment.  
KenC

[Stevo]

... in response to Re: Sometimes they do leave..., posted by KenC on Oct 22, 2001

The couple that I was describing are older...she is 35, he is plus 20.  They 'should' have known better (at least he should have).

I think you'd be surprised at the large number of Ukrainian/Russians living in just about any medium size city (at least on the east coast).  Even Hartford (pop around 180K), has at least 2000 recent (less than 10 years) Russian/Ukrainian immigrants...this surprised me quite a bit.

Stevo

[KenC]

... in response to Re: Re: Sometimes they do leave..., posted by Stevo on Oct 22, 2001

Stevo,
I agree that you can find Russians every where, but the concentration of Russian areas are still limited to large cities.  
KenC